Dec 5 2012 5:30pm

Squick Me Out, Part 3: Revenge of the Moist

Red velvet cupcake image by rottnapples via FlickrAs you all know, I absolutely detest the word “moist.” Since my first post on Squick Words, I’ve been known to get “moist bombed” on Twitter. That’s when a random author who knows of my moist-related phobia, has a conversation with me and throws the word moist into said conversation out of nowhere. It’s mean and cruel, but makes me cackle every time.

So I am a glutton for punishment and have come back with Squick Words post number three. Some of the not-so-lovely words I have come across or heard about this year.

Velvet sheath: now what in the bloody hell is that? Either a really rocking heavy metal band or the coolest looking outfit known to mankind.

“What are you wearing?”

“Oh, the Velvet Sheath Collection, dahling.”

Piston(ed): Ladies, I am deathly afraid of any peen that can piston. Look up the definition for piston and then tell me you’d appreciate something going so fast your teeth would rattle right out of your head. I’m all for hard and fast, but not when I damn near bite my tongue off.

Strain: That is something I only refer to when I am hurt, as in 'I strained my abdominal muscles because the piston peen was going way too fast and hard.' Or a male refers to when he goes the bathroom and heaves from the other side. In no way is the sentence “he strained into her moist cave” sexy.

Engorged: Just not sexy. EVER. I’m glad we can make a male peen engorged, but the internal visuals I get from reading about it kinda turns my stomach.

Weeping pussy: All I see is a gang of kittens crying in the corner. I know they are probably tears of joy, but still the visuals aren’t appealing in the least. Somebody hand kitty a Kleenex!

Squish/Squelch: As soon as I read it, I hear it. I’ve never found the sound attractive in real life, so god knows I don’t want to read about it….especially if it’s a moist squish. *shudders uncontrollably*

Cave: Any sexual reference to a vagina with the word cave in it automatically makes me think his peen needs a mini flashlight and a pickaxe because he’s going to get lost in there. Maybe the Seven Dwarfs will come out and sing him Hi Ho until he finds his way out.

Mushroom head: All I can think of is fairies dancing around mushrooms or the metal band by the same name. We all know peens look like mushrooms; must we try and make a vegetable sexy? “His mushroom head was firm like a ripe cucumber.” No thanks, moving along to a non-vegetable peen.

What are some words you’ve read this year that made you do a double take? I don’t even know why I want to know, I’m sure you’ll all disturb the hell out of me with some of them…but the more you know, right?

Red velvet cupcake image courtesy of rottnapples via Flickr

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Natasha Carty reviews Paranormal Romance and Urban Fantasy on her website Wicked Little Pixie and lives in Toronto, Canada, with her cat, Seamus.

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Pamela Webb-Elliott
1. Spaz
Piston(ed): Ladies, I am deathly afraid of any peen that can piston.
*dies laughing* me too, Nat, me too.
I JUST finished a book that referred to the lady's part as "dewy", and thought of you. Dewy. NO. THANK. YOU.
Lynne Connolly
2. Lynne Connolly
So what would you use instead? Wet? Over and over and over again, for 400 pages?
Some of those are really squick-worthy, but sometimes it's so difficult!
Natasha Carty
3. WickedLilPixie
@ Pam: lmfao I think Donald Ducks nephews when I see Dewy.
Lynn: Instead of which one, there's a bunch.
The Mighty Buzzard
4. The Mighty Buzzard
Penis and vagina(or any derivative) hold the same attraction for me as referring to someone's knockers as mammary glands. Anti-viagra FML.
rachel sternberg
5. rae70
LOL!@ WickedLilPixie!! Thanks! I have a male"Dewey" here at work and now it just sounds wrong!! Ewwww!!

I am just as equally laughing over your use of "peen".. reminds me of grade-school gossip!! LOVE IT!!) I know I have run across most of these references and usually grossed or laughed out by them as well. Thanks for reminding me of even more squick-tastic words!
The Mighty Buzzard
6. Eerie
My favorite line of the week "...he impaled himself into her gloving depths." um...1st I don't want the hero impaled on anything much less the heroine. 2nd her gloving depths ... yeah does the hero need air; he went cave diving right? lol sometimes I just don't know.
The Mighty Buzzard
7. CdnMrs
Just read a number of books by an author who uses the words "gate" and "entrance" to say vagina.
Every time I read it, EVERY TIME, I wondered where the gate went to. Is it the gate to a magical kingdom with skittering kittens, butterflies and prancing unicorns, a gate the the underworld or just like the gate into my backyard? Totally ruined the sex scenes.
Lege Artis
8. LegeArtis
Crevice- They can get really creative with this word... ::shudder::
Member- "His member twitched". Penis have so many names already, do you have to give it a postion? Every time I think of Parliament. And I don't want to think about that in a middle of sex scene.
Mushroom Head has twin brother- "His soldier's helmet was wide and dark red". For God's sake, it's sex, you're not going to war...
Nicole Leapheart
9. BoxyFrown
I cant think of anything to add right now, except I love these posts and everytime I read a sex scene (which is quite often) I think about this subject!
Robbie Thornton
10. Button
"He plunged into her hidden depths..."

Snorkling anyone???
11. Kareni
I find the word mewl decidedly unappealing and way overused.
The Mighty Buzzard
12. Katie T
Any similes between female genitalia and flowers makes me cringe...
Aly O'Hare
13. wingZER0angel
@Katie T "Any similes between female genitalia and flowers makes me cringe..."

Any similes between female genitalia and flowers make me think of Louis CK...
Natasha Carty
14. WickedLilPixie
@TMB - but of course
@Rae - as a kid my mom would call out lady bits, Dewy's. Needless to say, grossed out.
@Eerie - Gloving?! Wth!
@Cdn - Narnia!
@Lege - His soldiers helmet is made of giggles!
Natasha Carty
15. WickedLilPixie
@Boxy - Yay!
@Button - He needs a breathing aperatis!
@Kareni - I just started noticing the use of mewl, it gives me the heebies
@Katie - But such pretty
Saundra Peck
16. sk1336
I need the Kleenex from the gang of crying kitties in the corner to wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes.... Thanks, I needed to laugh like that!!!
Shiloh Walker
17. shiloh_walker
Dear WLP: You know and love me, so ... forgive me... I can't resist...

Moist. Moist. Moisty. Moistness. Moisture. Moistiness.Moist. Moist. Moisty. Moistness. Moisture. Moistiness.Moist. Moist. Moisty. Moistness. Moisture. Moistiness.Moist. Moist. Moisty. Moistness. Moisture. Moistiness.Moist. Moist. Moisty. Moistness. Moisture. Moistiness.Moist. Moist. Moisty. Moistness. Moisture. Moistiness.

The Mighty Buzzard
19. Emma Cunningham
Oh make me laugh.
The Mighty Buzzard
20. tadyena
Thank you so much. I really needed the laugh. Now my coworkers are giving me weird looks, because I almost fell out of my seat.
The Mighty Buzzard
21. Smeech
I hate the word loins. "Her loins clenched with fire" "She felt a fire in her loins" It's not meat people!

And the word womb. "Her womb felt empty" "She could feel him touch her womb" What the heck! Are you having a baby? No? Then we don't need to use that word do we?
The Mighty Buzzard
22. Geurtie
Thank you for the best laugh-out-loud moment of the week!
Strange that so many authors feel the need to use such ridiculous words. Really is beyond me.
And yes, there are better words to convey wetness. Moist? *shudders* Eeeeuuuwwww...
The Mighty Buzzard
23. Bridget Locke
*giggle snort* Oh, do I feel ya. The other is turgid. Don't know why that bothers me. I think it's because it's such a strong word. Makes me snort every time.. heh
The Mighty Buzzard
25. butterflybug
@sk1336: I fully agree with you

The one that gets me is "he felt like hot butter over silk". Does anyone ever think about how the hot butter would RUIN the silk immediately and thereby negate the feel of butter over silk? I think I've seen "hot butter over velvet" too.
The Mighty Buzzard
26. Jaelynn
I hate the word 'pussy'. I really REALLY hate it. In fact, I LOATHE it. IT'S NOT A BLOODY CAT, IT'S PART OF A BLOODY WOMAN, D@MM!T! *ahem*

But yes. I share the hatred of moist, dewy, piston, mushroom head (SOOO overused, that one!), turgid, mewling, weeping, and pretty much all the rest. The only one that's been listed so far that I don't dislike, in fact, is loins, because saying 'groin area' is just...well, gets stale, plus it's too stifled. =P
The Mighty Buzzard
27. Joani S
That was the best laugh I've had all week! The Best!! Thank you so much, I needed that.
The Mighty Buzzard
28. bookfool.77
Like velvet covered steel! Oh how many times I've read that...I think we all know what moisture does to velvet!! Hahaha..
The Mighty Buzzard
29. Susan H.
TOO funny---I've been listening to/reading paranormal romances all year & had oftened wondered when an author is going to tital a book "Her Moist Heat" or just "Moist Heat." I can handle just about anything, but one author repeatedly used the "unt" word (no, not AUNT). I felt sorry for the narrator, and secretly wondered if the writer was actually a 14 year old boy. I mean, c'mon.......
Natasha Carty
30. WickedLilPixie
@ Emma - YAY! I love making people laugh
@Tadyena - Tee Hee!
@Smeech - Loins reminds me of pork, which makes me giggle like a 12 year old.
@Geurtie - You are most welcome.
@Bridget - That word always makes me want a dictionary or to cross my legs
Natasha Carty
31. WickedLilPixie
@Avenging - Agreed.
@butterflybug - third degree burns aren't sexy.
@Jaelynn - Meweling pussy must set you off ;)
@Joani - I aim to disturb :)
@Bookfool - eww that isn't a pretty image.
@Susan - AHHH the M word!
The Mighty Buzzard
32. ChelleB
Then you can use them all at the same time - His engorged member pistoned into her moist cave, the squelch of her weeping pussy against his mushroom head making him groan and strain with passion. ROFLMAO
Sandy Pochapin
33. Sandypo
@Spaz - I think I've read three books in a row this week where they used the word "dewy" and I'm in total agreement!
@Smeech - You are SO right about the womb..."he touched her womb" Really? I don't think that's physically possible for a penis to touch a woman's womb, is it? Even if it is, it sounds awful.
@Jaelyn - I think "pussy" actually comes from the French, they referred to a vagina (I almost wrote "a woman's vagina" and then I remembered, is there any other kind?) "Le Chat" or the cat. I think it was because they stroked the pubic hair like petting a cat...? Shudder.
The Mighty Buzzard
34. Jen Loves Romance
Oh my goodness so many good points on here! I laughed so hard, but mostly because it's all so true! Especially the glove one. I just think whenever it says that her vag is tight like a glove, it sounds slightly uncomfortable. I HATE the world plow. It sounds like it hurts a lot. And takes a lot of unnecessary force. And it just really grosses me out. Also, I think it's ridiculous when they talk about a woman getting turned on and feeling womb clenches or weird stomach sensations. Makes me think she's gassy or something...
The Mighty Buzzard
35. Cheryl C
Most words and phrases don't bother me. I get turned off by bad analogies and flowery descriptions, but I just skim it until I get past it. (Although substituting the word "peen" for penis is absurd and sounds childish, not at all sexy.)

That being said, I am currently reading a book that has twice now had the hero referring to the heroine's "toe cleavage". I am completely turned off by this phrase and more than a little grossed. Ewww! I mean, I like cute shoes as much as the next girl, but that phrase should never be thought or uttered, much less written down for others to see. Bleh!
The Mighty Buzzard
36. Rivka
I have issues with the word orifice. I don't know why. I've always hated it.
The Mighty Buzzard
37. Nancy Goldberg Levine
I hate the word "pussy" (weeping or otherwise). Pussy is a kitty cat. I'm not fond of "cock" either. That's a rooster.
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