Aug 6 2012 10:49am

True Blood Season 5, Episode 9 Recap: Drink a Bitch

Jason and Jessica in True Blood 5.09, Everybody Wants to Rule the WorldThis week Bill tries to out-do Alcide’s sex scene last week by sort of having sex with three women. And the hate group gets unmasked.

Oh, and Pam and Lafayette continue to be totally awesome.

Last week we learned: Sookie’s parents were killed by a vampire, faerie cousins can be cool, Eric isn’t buying into the Lilith business, Pam gives the best gifts, Jason’s opinion of vampires is changing, vampire-blood drinking werewolves have returned to the show and Alcide looks good having sex with just about anyone.

(Need to catch up? Check out our previous recaps: Episode 5.01 |Episode 5.02 | Episode 5.03 | Episode 5.04 | Episode 5.05 | Episode 5.06 | Episode 5.07 | Episode 5.08)


Bill never struck me as the domestic terrorist type, but his idea to burn down Tru-Blood factories was put into action.

Salome is so not amused by Steve Newlin—or Russell’s interest in him. This tickles me more than it should.

Our Lala really is getting his swagger back. Love seeing the bravado we fell in love with revitalized in him. Also, who doesn’t like “pretty new eyelashes”? Better yet, he gets to talk with Gran.

I haven’t been that invested in the Sam/Luna story this season, but their fight leading to saying “I love you” was perfect. It felt so true to their characters and made me grin.

Terry said, “Survival brings out the ugly in all of us.” If there were ever truer words spoken about the culture in fictional Bon Temps, I’d like to hear them.

Pam’s limit on female bonding kills me. She can only handle maybe 30 seconds of chatting with Tara before she is done. And it lent itself to great banter between the two tonight.

Vampire Barbie.

Alexander Skarsgard as Eric with guest star Lucy GriffithsEric as the voice of reason is wonderful. Using Sookie against Bill was smart. The more Bill digs into this Sanguinista bit, the more it’s hard to know what he’ll do next. But would we ever see him attack Sookie? Doubtful. (Also, I’m betting Kiersten Krum is going to comment and say she’d want to see that. Discussion point?)

Vampires stealing blood from other vampires. It’s a thing.

Impressed to see Jason and Jessica working together to save Hoyt.

Teenage Alcide flashback! The teen versions of Alcide and Debbie are adorable. Also, crazy to see a not gross or slutty version of Debbie.

Bud Dearborn really hates vampires. And clearly doesn’t care for Sookie as much as we had thought. Shameful.

Arlene with a gun = scary.

Salome wants Bill for herself. Originally, I thought she was playing him, but she now comes across as completely convinced he was picked by Lilith for her. We’ll see.

Seriously? Feeding people to pigs? Clearly Bud & Co. have watched Snatch one too many times.

Andy shot Bud, and I was impressed. It’s taken Andy such a long time to try and adjust to being Sheriff. He wanted power, but this time we see him do what’s right without hesitating. About time.

A new Sherriff of Area 5?! Nooooooooo.

Russell and Steve are cute together. Less cute when they steal Emma.

Curious to see where Alcide’s story with his dad goes. Will this take him back to the pack? Will he help his dad or vice versa? If it gets back quickly with the pack, it certainly has potential to be a strong subplot.

Two words: Turncoat Bill.

WTF-ERY as only True Blood can provide

The hate group’s “Making Soup Outta Supes” video. Barf.

Idiot reporter asks if President Obama is behind the murder and kidnappings – because the criminals are wearing masks with a likeness. Really?


Naked human male strapped to the table at the Sanguinista/Authority headquarters, served up as a feast. Rare that we see male full-frontal nudity on the show. Too bad it couldn’t be Eric instead.

Salome dances about topless, while a mostly naked Bill reclines in her bed. This is followed by vampire sexy times—where Bill imagines Sookie beneath him and then she turns into a naked Lilith. And back to Salome. Four naked people in one sex scene, because that’s how True Blood does it.

Naked Sam! Huzzah! He shifts from a pig to catch Sookie as Bud tosses her in a pen to be dinner. Then he fights people—kicking and punching—will completely naked. Expect lots of Sam booty.

Luna tracks down The Dragon, tackles her, shifts back to human. We see a naked Luna beat the crap out of the other woman. “That’s for shooting me!”

Lafayette in True BloodFAVORITE QUOTES

Eric: “Put the baby fangs away before you piss me off.”

Sookie: “Do you see anything?”
Lafayette: “Yep. One fine ass motherfucker with pretty new eyelashes.”

Lafayette: “I ain’t Gmail for dead bitches.”

Pam: “There are two things I try to stay away from, humans who eat a lot of fish and politics. So whatever comes next, we keep our heads down, our tits up and the Tru-Blood flowing.”

Pam: “Just because we drank a bitch together does not make us Oprah and Gayle.”

Tara (to Pam): “Suck me! Vampire Barbie.”

Eric (to Bill): “You better get back to slaughtering people in the name of God.”

Lafayette: “Dead folk, why you got to be so cryptic? It ain’t cute.”

Andy: “No, the President of the United States is not actually in Renard Parish shooting and kidnapping people.”

Russell: “You think dogs are good pets, wait until you try a werewolf on V.”


While Chelsea Mueller runs Vampire Book Club, she won’t turn down a sexy werewolf, demon or faerie. Her appreciation of Alexander Skarsgard is well documented. Bother her on Twitter - @ChelseaVBC — she likes it.

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Smash Attack Ash
1. SmashAttackAsh
The scenes with La and Sookie = MAJOR cackles from me. I scared my cats. I swear, if they ever kill of Lafayette, I will boycott. Heh.
I am truly loving Pam and Tara. A match made in snarky bitch heaven! Heads Down and Tits Up, FTW!
2. ChelseaMueller
@SmashAttack - Will that be your new rallying cry? "Heads down, tits up!"
Kiersten Hallie Krum
3. Kiersten
Don't tease. You know I would LOVE to see Bill attack Suckee & drain her. Tho I'd take anyone doing it at this point...
Lege Artis
4. LegeArtis
Oh, Lala was awesome in this episode!
Is Bill pretending or not?
I don't like new Sheriff of Area 5... And it totally contradicts my "I'm under authority of Sheriff of Area 5 " T-shirt....
Great recap, Chelsea!
5. CindyS
Great recap and yes, loved Lafayette.

I don't think Bill has a back up plan - I think he drank the blood (kool-aid) - unless he realized that Salomes blood is the cause of the halucination - at least, that was the only think I could think of - of she's a shape shifter too.
6. ray121006
I want Eric Northman to kick everbody's asses I hope the writers don't mess up with his storyline and give him better stuff to do, he is the reason I'm still watching this mess.
rachel sternberg
7. rae70
I love Lala and his new eyelashes!) I'm with Kiersten and would love to see Sookie drained... She can get on my nerves!! The scene in the beginning with Alcide and Maria Star was OMG! and it didn't help my mother was tsking away next to me when she popped over in the middle of my Truebie & Liquor meeting with a couple of my fan-friends.. I should have just printed this blog out and handed it to her because all she did was ask questions and crack jokes while we where trying to watch.. Is it me or do they make Alcides and Erics scenes hotter than Bills or even Jasons?

So glad the Ifrit storyline is over! Yeah!! Only 3 more episodes left and I really don't know if Bill is drank the Koolaid like Cindy said or if he has other plans... I love Eric and his wanting no part of it!! I want to see him kick some butt and show some while hes at it! LOL!
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