Feb 25 2012 3:00pm

True Blood Season Five Demands: Alcide Booty, Alpha Eric, and Mean Bill

We are coming up on the start of Season Five of True Blood debuting this summer.

If you have memory issues like I do, click here to see my recap of True Blood’s Season Four Finale

There, feel like you just went through it all again? Still angry from the events of last season? Moving right along, I present you with my list of demands.

After last season’s weird-ass finale, I have a list of thing that I would like to see happen and things I wished would stop happening. There were so many things that should have happened last season and didn’t, or things that shouldn’t have happened and did….like Tara getting capped, Jesus kicking the bucket, and Rene’s ghostly return.

The Loose Ends…..

True Blood has this horrific habit of leaving things open ALL SEASON LONG. Close that shite people; we have how many storylines going at once? Last season, the fairy in the woods with Andy disappeared, and then two old characters came back. It’s like they thrive on things not being resolved. I can only handle four storylines at once, maybe more if they are interesting but really, does anyone care about Andy’s sex life? I don’t. And what happened to the panthers? Can we close that up because they really ick me out!

Pam in True BloodForget More Cowbell, I Want More PAM!

Can’t Pam get some happiness up in here? I love her character—she’s sarcastic, sexy, and will bite your throat out. But there is a huge back story just waiting to get out of her. Less Andy, more Pam. Less Jason, more Pam. I might be alone here, but doesn’t she seem like she’d be a helluva lot more in your face than Andy?

Tara, Oh, Poor Tara.

What.The.Hell. Poor Tara, the girl has been through hell and back with Eggs and now she’s all dead on the kitchen floor? Tara just can’t catch a break; she’s always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Give the girl a happily ever after! And please tell me Sookie got dusted with fairy powder and this was all a dream. As much as Tara irritates the shit out of me, I don’t want one of the main minority characters with a bullet in the head. But if she is “dead” please please please DO NOT MAKE HER A VAMPIRE! Let her die with dignity, cause you know she’ll flip her shizzle if she is turned. Bill better run fast and far away.

Lafayette in True BloodCGI Is Not Campy.

I’m currently holding prayer sessions that the powers that be behind the show have gotten a better budget together (after five years, people!) so we don’t have to sit through craptacular CGI like we did last season. It’s not campy, it’s cheesy.  All the scenes surrounding Lafayette and his new witchy powers last season were some of my least favorite, which sucks because Laf is my favorite character. And he’s been through so much with the death of Jesus. *wipes a tear away* But thank you, Alan Ball, for keeping Lafayette around.

Alcide. Booty. Yes Please.

Can we just get more booty? Please. Can Sookie also not ruin this Alpha? I just don’t want to see him weakened over his Sookie obsessions, please don’t do it. But more of him naked please, we would all appreciate it. Thankfully, Debbie is Alpha enough to rip some shit up. Watch out, Sookie.

Eric in True BloodEric, Alpha Please.

See above. More naked, less “nice” and please stay being the ruthless man you were before you lost your memory. Sappy Eric wasn’t fun. Sexy sometimes, but just a bit too wimpy. He has a lot coming up this season, with Russell and now Bill as the big man. But let’s hope Eric meets a nice vampire (or Natasha) and settles down. I know I know that’s not how the books go, but stranger things have happened.  

Bill, Mean Bill

I like this new-found meaness Bill is rocking in his new job. He doesn’t take shit and he’s out to kick ass and take names. With Sookie I felt he was all Southern Gentleman and now we have a whole new Bill to deal with. I can’t wait to see how this storyline fleshes out and how he acts with Sookie now that she broke not just his, but Eric’s heart. Maybe they will turn on her in tandem? Who knows, but I like the ideas my head wants to take with this story.

Jessica and Jason in True BloodJason/Hoyt/Jessica Strange Love

I really could care less about these three. We can already tell Hoyt’s going to go all Anti-Vampire, Jessica is going to continue to try to seduce Jason and, well, Jason at some point will give in and get some. Boring. Next.

Pastor Steve Newlin/Russell Edgington: Return of the Macks

Steve is going to be the one to help push Hoyt over the edge into full on vampire hate. And again, I could care less. Why was he brought back? He annoys me. Same goes for Russell, but I like him and his old evil ass. He’ll bring the evils and the LOLs. And you know he’s mad as hell, come on, he was buried in a parking lot!

Arlene and Terry in True BloodArlene/Terry

Another one of the storylines that could have been so much better than it was last season. Can’t someone discover Arlene is psychic or a witch or something? Give the woman a better storyline!!

That’s all I’ve got right now. Yes, I demanded. Even though I know they’ve been shooting the new episodes for a few weeks now, but a girl can try, right? Will I watch if they don’t take into account my recommendations? Dang straight. If only for a glimpse of Alcide’s booty.

So are you excited? What do you wish they would change? What do you wish they would keep the same? Or are you done with the series and refuse to go on?


Natasha Carty reviews Paranormal Romance and Urban Fantasy on her website Wicked Little Pixie and lives in Toronto, Canada, with her cat, Seamus.

Subscribe to this conversation (must be logged in):
1. Tracilynn
I agree on Alpha Eric, please do not swamp his character down any further than they did last season. Oh, and I love Pam, so more of her is always welcome!
2. CindyS
More Pam! Would love that but I'm afraid they will make her less than and that would be wrong.

I do think Tara will become a vampire and self loathing will commence - unless she's dead, dead. I commented when the season closed that Tara got royally screwed with a best friend like Sookie.

I know Lafayette has to grieve but I so need his spirit and extremely bawdy language to be back.

Love mean Bill. Need Eric from season 1 back without the bad hair. Blergh.

I actually love Jess and would like to see her with Hoyt again because Jason gives me hives - as does that minister man with the fangs.

Loved Russel because he was just gloriously bad and funny.

So, did Debbie live? I thought she was dead also. And I like her with Alcide but he would have to stop being a lone wolf and create a pack. Him and Sookie? Can I say I'm not a big fan of Sookie. I know, weird that I even watch the show.

And I hope I never see another were panther again - also, I can do less with Sam this season.

Like you said, there are only so many stories I can care about and they are cruising to me fast forwarding through too much of the show if they keep it up.

OH - Little red riding hood in the forest from last season (yes I went back and read the re-cap) - maybe forshadowing that she belongs with Alcide the big bad wolf! - Okay, that would totally rock so I'm guessing a big fat no on that one.

3. Lege Artis
I want bad-ass Eric back. As Pam said to him when they were in the cell:
" Eric, snap out of it! You are a viking vampire god and you bow to no one!"- it was my favorite line of 4th season... I hope they get back on the right track with 5th season-that Eric/Bill bromance sounds promising...:)
Natasha Carty
4. WickedLilPixie
@Tracilyn & @Lege Artis - Pam is my all time favorite, she just doesn't get enough screen time!

@Cindy - I'm sure Deb lives, characters like that just don't die! LOL
Marquetta Whitmore
5. lovetoreadforfun
Amen sista! I love Pam and she needs a good storyline and to be front and center! How about they get rid of Sookie? I'm all for that. She truly worked my last nerve last season. She's a character I could give two poops about. Poof! Be gone please. Yes! More Alcide! More naked Alcide booty PLEASE!! I love mean Bill and have no feelings about Eric (even though he's everyone's fave. I find him kinda meh). And the amnesia storyline went on wayyyyy too long. It got boring after like the 3rd episode. Last season was a huge disappointment. I hope they have their ish together for season 5.
6. Lege Artis
@WickedLilPixie - Oh, I adore Pam, she has the best lines ("Are you picking up what I'm putting down?")- if anyone didn't embarase vampire community of True Blood with sissiness in fourth season-it was Pam. I hope that bringing back old Eric will get us more Pam awesomness also... I know for sure that in 5th season will see how did Pam became a vampire.
7. ASfandancer
From the top of your list:
Tie up the loose ends, but for the most part don't take a lot of time doing it. Andy's fairy sex ugh not even worth addressing again, and I don't care if he and Holly get together or not,I Just Don't Care so drop it. Same with the panthers (ghost daddy and mamma was beyond stupid) kill them all off and forget about them.

Of course who doesn't want more Pam, we love her, and Kristin plays her to perfection. I definitely want Eric to kiss and makeup with her they are so good together. They have more chemistry together then all the other actors put together. They are mainly why I continue to watch this train wreck of a show.

I really miss the old, mouthy Lafayette no need for him to be any kind of supe.

I am probably the only one who has no interest in Alcide's body or for that matter his character. There are 1001 actors around today with as good or better body, and hey a lot of them have acting talent unlike JoeM who plays Alcide like a wooden rube.

While I want the bad-ass Eric back I will love Eric however I can get him. Alex has so completely made that character come alive for me since he first appeared on the scene.

I liked Bill a little better in season four, but he still pretty much bores me to tears. He is still just too sanctimonious for my taste.

The rest, Jason needs a good storyline, Jessica is wearing thin, Hoyt who cares, Russell was a hoot and I really miss Franklin he was great, I liked Steve Newlin looking forward to him as a vamp, while I like Arlene and Terry I would not miss them.
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