Feb 27 2012 2:30pm

Bloody Good Fun: Molly Harper on Vampire Nuptials-Planning

Wedding flowers image by katclay via FlickrMolly Harper’s Nice Girls Don’t Bite Their Neighbors is out tomorrow, so we’ve asked author Molly Harper to stop by to gives us the deets on how to plan a vampire wedding. Guessing the toast will be red...

Planning a wedding is difficult enough, but planning a wedding for vampires?  This is not a job for amateurs.  Yes, in some cases, the fact that the bride’s parents have been dead for more than a century can make some decisions easier. But just imagine how an undead happy couple can complicate issues. Do you serve bottled or donor blood at the reception? How do you serve solid food to the human guests without nauseating the vampires? And forget wedding silver, because it will burn every guest it touches.

So, to recognize the efforts of Jane’s wedding planner, Iris Scanlon, we will share a page from her “reminder list” for the Jameson-Nightengale nuptials:

June 20 – Two weeks until wedding

  • Remember that Jane has set a password for all changes to the wedding plans. Unless I hear the word, “Pemberley,” the request is not to be honored.
  • On that note, cancel the pink roses and baby’s breath.
  • And stop believing Jane’s mother when she says, “Trust me, I know what Jane wants.”
  • And don’t trust Dick Cheney (the vampire) no matter what he says.  The man’s incorrigible.
  • Remember to have a special sparkly vodka flask made up for Jane as a wedding gift.
  • Confirm back-up civil officiate in case Reverend Neel loses his nerve to do ceremony.
  • Remember to provide discreet spittoon under the wedding cake table in case Mrs. Jameson forces the “exchange a bite of wedding cake” issue.  Buttercream, plus vampire gag reflexes, equals big mess.
  • Double the catering order. Jolene has confirmed that several of her cousins plan to attend.  Jane claims they can decimate a buffet faster than locusts at a potluck.
  • Potluck reminder: Confirm with Jane that she REALLY wants me to dispose any hot dish provided by her cousin Junie.  Throwing away perfectly good Pyrex seems like overkill.
  • Remember to pick up the real bridesmaids dresses from the bridal shop and hide them.  Jane seems committed to torturing her bridesmaids, making them think they will be wearing a neon yellow concoction called “Ruffles and Dreams.”
  • Replenish bridal emergency kit: Blood-removing stain-wipes, safety pins, iron supplements, bobby pins, Fang Brite Mouthwash and Razor Wire floss, white thread/needles, tissues, SPF 500 sunscreen, and granola bars.  (For me, not the vampires.)
  • Remember to pack back-up flask.

Wedding flowers image courtesy of katclay via Flickr


Raised in Mississippi and Kentucky, Molly Harper graduated from Western Kentucky University with a bachelor’s degree in print journalism. She worked for six years as a reporter and humor columnist; her reporting duties included covering courts, school board meetings, quilt shows, and once, the arrest of a Florida man who faked his suicide by shark attack and spent the next few months tossing pies at a local pizzeria. Molly lives in western Kentucky with her husband and daughter.

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Megan Frampton
1. MFrampton
Does this mean that the wedding is at night, too? And think of how much money the bridal couple will save on catering!
Heather Waters
2. HeatherWaters
@MFrampton -- Very true about the catering. Seems like it'd cut lots of decisions about what to serve out too; say you want to offer a selection of all blood types and you're done.
Christopher Morgan
3. cmorgan
Sure your saving on catering, that's why you invite those annyoing, non-vampire cousins from out of town. It's one of the few weddings where food pays for itself.
Dolly Sickles
4. Dolly_Sickles
I loved How to Seduce A Naked Werewolf. Never had I planned to like anything about Alaska, but now it tempts me for travel. This one sounds good, too. And talk about a cheap date.
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