Jul 24 2011 4:00pm

The Men of True Blood: Sam vs. Alcide

I didn’t know we were going shirtless already...First came Sookie’s suitors, those Vicious Vamps, those Dynamos of Darkness, Bill and Eric. The votes are still being tallied, but round 2 is about to commence. This time around we are proud to present the Shapeshifter Showdown. 

In one corner we have “Sweetheart” Sam Merlotte and in the other corner, his opponent, Alcide “The Wild Werewolf” Heveaux. Remember the two winners of the weekend showdown will face each other in a King of True Blood final bout. So let your voice be heard!

Roar, Sweet Sam, RoarGet you a drink?

He’s just a good old boy with a tiny little secret. But hey, what’s a little shape shifting when you live in a town like Bon Temps full of bloodthirsty vampires, hairy werewolves and drugged out panther people? Please, shapeshifting is practically a Junior League requirement.

Poor orphaned Sam was adopted by the Merlottes, then abandoned once he revealed himself as a shapeshifter. Sam does eventually find his birth parents, the Minkens, only to be disappointed once again when they turn out to be totally trashy losers forcing their own son, Tommy, into illegal dog fighting.

It seems Sam just can’t catch a break, but if you ask me, all those woes just make him that much more loyal to those whom he considers his friends. Now how sweet is that? Almost as sweet as the tea they serve up at Merlotte’s along with their yummy pulled pork sandwiches.

How do you like me NOW?Besides, is there anything sexier than a man with sun-kissed dirty blond hair, lake water blue eyes, fine-fitting Levis and a well stocked bar? Sam is the man with the smooth Southern voice who can sweet talk you all night, and then serve you up a hot home cooked meal in the morning. And no worries if you’re out of milk—Sam will just, let’s say, dash on out to the store in two shakes lamb’s talk to pick up some more.

His preferred shape is the ever loyal border collie, but our man Sam is not one to be fenced in. If need be, he can take on any shape he’s set eyes on even being fierce as a lion to protect his own. No, Sam’s not like those mangy wolves, sniffing after the strongest scent or those fickle vamps, likely to suck you dry if they lose their cool. Sam is the man you can rely on to have your back and your front in a tight spot.

King of the jungle. Oh yeah!

Oooo I can wear plaid tooThe following rhyme is in the style of Missy Elliot’s “Get Ur Freak On:”

*Insert head boppin intro beat here*

Alcide be puttin it down, He’s the hottest hound
I told y’all mother (*skurt*), no Vamp can’t stop him now
Listen to me now, He’s lastin’ twenty rounds
And if you want him (people) then come comment now
Do you want him now (YES) the way his booty bounce (YES)
I know you dig the way He sw-sw-switch his style
Go, get your Alcide on (*repeat 6X*)
Go, getcha getcha getcha getcha getcha Alicde on

Alcide Herveaux. HA. CHA. Friggin’ CHA.

But seriously, you cannot even begin to argue AGAINST Alcide. He is the man to beat in Bon Temps. I hear some of you snickering, but hear me out:

First and foremost he is NOT a Vamp. That means he is available DAY and night. If someone is trying to kill me at noon, he’s got my back. (All while I stare at his front. Yum.)

You have to admit that is a ginormous package, I mean advantage to survival in a town plagued by bloodthirsty supernatural beings.

Even though Bill is King now, he’s still a vamp. And let’s be serious, who the heck wants to hear all those whiny ’woe is me’ Scarlett O’Hara BS lines he dishes out anyway? Barf. Alcide’s voice is like steel silk. All deep, throaty, and… deep. He could read the phone book and make my girly parts twitch.

If I were a Were or a shapeshifting poodle I’d be howling with each syllable that passes those plump, juicy lips.

Eric is all kinds of hotness wrapped in a frozen popsicle stick body but he too Sam keeps his six-pack in the fridgehas the whole sunlight issue. And let’s face it, unless you’re Sookie or Pam, he’s not exactly going to put his life on the line for you, unless something is in it for him. Drop Dead gorgeous he may be, no pun intended, but not exactly 100% loyal.

Alcide, by nature as a canine, is as loyal as they come. He will even help someone save a Vamp he doesn’t care for very much and put his life on the line for a V-addicted woman who doesn’t want him. Sigh. Oh, Alcide, I’ll never try to have you killed or save my ex-boyfriends….

Jason may be human—for now—and hot, but he’s not exactly the brightest either. Plus, he may have a litter of kids coming and I don’t need all that backwoods baby mama drama. Jason’s assets, aka his ass in those Levis, just isn’t enough for me to change all those diapers. Plus, you’ve seen those kids, there isn’t a dental plan in the world that would take them on.

Alcide’s assets however, are 100% worth the splinters I may get helping him at work. He also makes plaid seem naughty. Like Catholic school girl naughty. Like come over my house and change a light bulb naughty with the first six buttons undone and your fly down, and….Sorry. I digress. You know you liked where that was going. Just look at him. He wears those shirts and those tight ass jeans like second skin.

Sam may be a sweet gold ol’ boy but you’ve seen him change this past season. A wee lil’ temper he has apparently. Plus, will he ever really be over Sookie? Think about it. He has loyalty issues, too. After loving Sookie forever he goes and sleeps with her BFF. Not cool, and totally against the Girl Code. As a shapeshifter he can turn into anything. I’d see flies in the house and wonder if he was spying on me. He did kind of stalk Sookie.

Alcide is a werewolf. You can see those coming a mile away. No surprise there. He can shift and go hunting for dinner. Go for long walks on the beach in either form, and in the sunlight. He can watch the sunrise or sunset with worrying about burning to a crisp. He can even keep you warm at night with his body heat alone.

So, Aclide it is, ladies, and you know it.

He’s a werewolf, the toughest shapeshifter of them all. He works with his hands. And can work me with those hands. He’s fiercely loyal. He pays his debts. In other words, gainfully employed.

He’s hot. He’s really hot. Like I mean smokin’ hot.

HA. CHA. Friggin’ CHA.

Kwana Jackson is a writer of Women’s fiction and Young Adult, a former fashion designer, a wife, and a mother of teen twins who has a love of knitting and a strange obsession with “reality” TV.

Philly native Charli Mac is an aspiring author, mother, wife, friend, and part-time clown. Come find lost love along the Jersey Shore at Twitter her @CharliMacs

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K.M. Jackson
1. kwanawrites
I don’t care I’m voting anyway just because of that unfair repeat of Alcide taking his pants off again and again. Yeesh. Brains of brawn. Go Team Sam!!!!
3. timussk
Alcide. No contest. I would write more, but I'm too busy swooning.
4. Sapphire
Alcide! Caring, sexy, and loyal.
5. Miss Deidre
Seriously ... Sam is like your best friend, the guy you go to when you want a guys opinion on a dress you plan on undressing in front of Alcide ..

Alcide ALL the way ... it's a Were thing ...
Belinda Bullock
6. bellie7
ALCIDE FOR THE WIN!!!! I mean just look at him! He growls and he's sexy and those muscles. Mmmmm!
Ms. Dawn
7. Ladybellesfic
Sam...compassionate, caring, Sexy as hell....that drawl is a real panty dropper!
8. BarbaraW
Sam's boobs are rounder and slightly droopier than mine. It's impossible for me to ever take him seriously. It has to be Alcide - but I want to lodge a complaint. Whether he actually did take his pants off all the way or not in that scene, I think you owe it to us, your loyal readers to arrange for that .gif to show Alcide finishing the job and totally dropping trou.
10. Smash Attack
Alcide. No friggin contest.
11. lanchid
Alcide. His chest is a mile wide. Alcide. Gah.
Aliza Mann
13. AlizaMann
One look at those rippling biceps... I melt! Alcide!!
A.J. Wilson
15. AJWilson
@Barbara - HELL YEAH! Gimme it all!

Alcide all the way, baby! :-)
Tara Pennington
17. e.sadlersfan
I can't pick the are both HOTT. Also I have actully had the chance to meet Sam so. BOTH!!! I'm taking the cake and eatting it to!
18. BrooklynShoeBabe
This is really tough. You two make very good and compelling arguments. However, I'm going with Sam. He could say anything in that drawl and I'd get naked in a minute. Also, he has chest hair. I love chest hair on a men.
20. magda61
ALCIDE!!!!! All the way!!!
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