We're delighted to once again bring you recaps of Lost Girl, now airing its fourth season in the United States. Don't forget to check into all our Lost Girl coverage, but be warned there are discussion posts for later episodes (we've been talking about the show as it airs in Canada) that contain SPOILERS. Thanks, and please weigh in with your comments!
This post contains spoilers for all aired episodes of Lost Girl, including last night’s 4x12, “Origin.”
Dyson stands at a podium before a large group of people in a lovely garden to give Hale’s eulogy. To his right is a standard with the Clan Zamora crest draped with a red cloth. To his left, a small table holds an ornate urn in which burns incense. Dyson is giving Hale’s eulogy. So I guess everyone else’s reactions to learning about Hale’s death happened off screen. Probably too dramatic an ordeal to be shown on a, um, drama. “I never said good-bye to Hale,” Dyson says. “It was always ‘see ya later,’ ‘talk to ya,” or nothing at all.” More likely, “later, bro”. “Just that look between old friends that says ‘we’ll be together again soon’.” Kenzi sits alone in the front row, hands clasped, still wearing Hale’s ring. Her face is empty and set. Two empty seats to her right, presumably meant for the Hale’s absent father and sister who apparently
weren’t deemed important for the episode couldn’t bother to show up to his funeral. Kenzi’s dress is hideous, a black sheath with strings of silver that streak down its length from her neck. She looks fresh from the disco or possibly as though she’s wearing Barney Stintson’s shower curtain. She’s also wearing a black fascinator with a few feathers and a sheer black veil, which is classy and much more Kenzi than that shambles of a dress. “He was a man of complexities,” Dyson continues. “A traditionalist with a modern style.” Bo sits across the aisle from Kenzi with Tamsin, both considerably more appropriately dressed than Hale’s grieving fiancée. Bo’s dress is particularly classy and lovely with a lace top and matching wrap in the crook of her elbows. Tamsin’s in a black business suit which suits her (heh). The shadows under her eyes prove she’s been crying too. She checks Kenzi as Dyson speaks. “An old soul with the optimism of one just born.” Bo sighs and watches Dyson as he finishes. “Hale Santiago of Clan Zamora forged his own path. He became a cop and he liked being called a cop.” Beside Bo, Tamsin gives a small smile when Dyson talks about Hale being a cop. “He befriended without judgment or expectation.” Here Dyson’s look turns inward as though remembering all the times Hale stood by him without question. “And he loved without bounds.” Dyson looks at Kenzi with concern. Her mouth purses as though she biting her inner lip to keep from crying. Dyson looks over his shoulder at the Zamora family crypt behind him. “But as Hale’s closest clan members sit with his body in silent mourning, so we begin the Day of Silence where we pay reverence to our dear and departed Siren.” His voice breaks a little over those final words.
That was a rather bloodless speech from Hale’s best friend and partner. No mention of his penchant for tea. No anecdote about his hat. No reference to his beautiful smile or smooth manner, or easy-going disposition. No talk about how he stood up as Acting Ash when called upon or how he never, not once, failed show up as back up when called on, no questions asked. Kris Holden-Ried worked hard to make it count, but Tamsin could’ve given that speech for all its personal value. Here’s hoping K.C. Collins’s goodbye party was a lot more personal and loving than that.
The camera zooms in on Kenzi’s face as the silence descends. In the next shot, she’s alone in the garden. Time has passed and people have left while she sat there alone in silence, time she didn’t notice passing. Bo strolls over to sit beside her, so I guess she and Dyson handled the receiving line in Kenzi’s stead given Hale’s family failed to show up at their only son’s and brother’s funeral. “I think I might scream,” Kenzi says in a tight voice. Bo promises her whatever she needs. “I needed him alive,” Kenzi replies with accusation. “It will get better,” Bo assures her. Kenzi sighs hard at the platitude and steps up to the altar, which we can now see holds a large crystal dangling in a bronze stand. Hale’s hat is on display before it. Kenzi cradles the hat as Bo repeats that it will get better. “Maybe not for a long time, but I will be there for you.”
The words are hardly out of her mouth when an armored knight sweeps out from the bushes and draws her sword. Immediately, Bo draws her knife and steps forward to confront the knight and defend Kenzi. Seeing Bo, the knight removes her helmet. Say, it’s Casey Hudecki, Anna Silk’s stunt double! “I am yours,” she announces without preamble. Yeah, there’s a lot of that going around these days. She goes down on one knee and bows before Bo. “I am a knight from the
Round Table Order of Raina,” she pronounces. Ah, it’s Rainer honey. Unless this is a Tolkien thing and you refer to Rainer’s slightly less well-known sister Raina, who for centuries has only been referred to in hushed tones as “The Meanderer,” in which case, carry on. “And I pledge my fealty. To my queen!” the knight continues. “To you.”
Kenzi sighs audibly. “Uh, of course,” she sneers, rolling her eyes. Did you think for one moment that it wouldn’t be all about Bo? Silly human. Kenzi stalks off. Bo calls after her to wait…but doesn’t pursue her. Instead, she turns back to the knight. “Where do we begin, my liege?” the knight asks.
Credits. Say, they changed the voice-over!I will live the life I choose…unless destiny randomly comes along in the form of a bearded hot guy who’s been cursed and appeals to my overblown savior complex by claiming he needs me to save him in which case all bets are off.
Oh, all right,fine.
At The Dal Riata, Bo repeats that the knight claims to be there to see her. There’s a tattoo of a crest on the knight’s shoulder. The knight decides she arrived just in time as she was attacked on her way. “Attacked by whom?” Tamsin asks. The knight thinks it was someone who does not want her to deliver her message. Bo is barely paying attention. Instead, she watches as, across the room, Dyson circles around where Kenzi’s lodged herself in a back corner to sit beside her and offer comfort. “You are in danger, my Queen,” the knight says. “I am here to protect you and fight by your side.” Don’t cock block Bo!
The knight holds her armored gauntlets out to Bo and Tamsin snatches them from her hand. “I haven’t seen these since the battlefield,” she exclaims with excitement and then shoots Bo a wry look. “It’s been a long time.” Bo has heard enough. “Look, I don’t know you and I don’t know what you’re talking about but I do know that I am not your queen! So you can be dismissed.” Shocked to be discarded, the knight insists she talking about mortal danger. Realizing Bo needs an intervention, Tamsin strips off the gauntlets. “Look, we just got back from a funeral. Do you get that?!” Bo glances between the two women as the knight claims there will be more funerals if they don’t heed her message. “It was foretold that with the death of the Una Mens, the Pyrippus would rise. It is you he seeks,” she tells Bo and holds out an old book as proof. Tamsin snatches this too and reads from it. “He shall rise and seek her out, The Succubus, The One.” As she reads, the knight tries to put a clunky necklace on Bo who holds her off. In the fuzzy background, Dyson murmurs to Kenzi and glances over at Bo and the others. Tamsin wants to know what “he” wants from Bo, but the knight doesn’t have that information. “The prophecy also says the slaying of the Una Mens also creates the power of The Origin Seed.” In the corner, Kenzi breaks. “Not now, Dyson,” she snaps before rushing away. Bo leaps up to follow her. “The prophecy says there is very little time!” the knight shouts practically in her face. “Look, I don’t give a shit about prophecies or seeds or Pyrippuses,” Bo snaps back. “This is my family and they need me.”
She sits before Kenzi on the couches. “Bo, we have to get him,” Kenzi whispers. “He has to die.” Bo promises that Massimo will pay, which isn’t the same thing exactly. Bo looks over her head at Dyson who has heard every word. They share one of their speaking looks and he nods. Oh yeah. Massimo’s a dead man.
In the Una Mens’ dungeon, Massimo is cooking up some potion, or possibly a basting sauce, when Bo, Dyson and Kenzi walk in. That’s—anticlimactic. Massimo greets them—“look what the puss dragged in—as they corner him against the table. He leans Geraldine against his shoulder. “Looking for something?” With disgust, Kenzi notes her sword still has Hale’s blood on it, “so when I slit your throat, think of it as a present from us both!” Massimo doesn’t believe Kenzi came only to kill him. “Why else?” Dyson drawls. He’s got that “I’m looking prey” expression going on. “You know, for supernatural creatures and all that, you guys don’t know shit about what’s going on in your own lives.” Preach it, druid. Kenzi starts breaking Massimo’s stuff as he continues. “I suppose you know nothing about Rainer dying,” he says to Bo. “And soon too.” Dyson asks what he means about Rainer. Massimo glares at Kenzi from the corner of his eye, but knows he can’t do anything about her for the moment. “When The Wanderer rises another curse shall befall him and in seven days he will expire unless the curse is broken. It’s in your history, moron.”
Kenzi grabs him up by the collar and demands to know where he’s stashed the Twig of Zamora. So that wasn’t all random destruction for random’s sake. “Oh God, you are so annoying,” he sneers in her face. “You know I did Hale a solid when I drove that sword into him. Can you imagine the disappointment that he would’ve eventually felt knowing he was forever bound to your pathetic, weak human ass?” Kenzi screams and is about to hit Massimo when Dyson pulls her out of the way. “What else do you know about Rainer?” he asks voice low as though barely holding himself in control. Massimo sneers that he knows a little of this and that. He revels in having the power over them. Dyson’s temper breaks free. He grabs Massimo up and slams him against what passes for a wall. “Tell me!” he growls. Massimo leans forward to whisper in his ear. You will watch your friends die and do nothing about it.
Massimo giggles. Dyson grimaces. “We can’t kill him yet,” he tells Bo and Kenzi who, naturally, object. Strenuously. “What did this gut rot say to you?!” Bo asks as Dyson cuffs Massimo. Good question, because what he did say is not enough to keep Dyson from killing him. Unless he thought it wiser to first find out who’s supposed to die. “I need to take him to Trick,” Dyson says, a little frantic as he hustles Massimo out. “Dyson, NO!” Kenzi yells and grabs his arm. “Kenzi ,you think I don’t want to tear his heart out and eat it in front of him?! I DO!” he shouts. “But there are larger things at stake here than revenge.” He shoves Massimo out the door. Kenzi begs Bo to intervene. “He will suffer, Kenzi. Dyson will make sure of it,” she assures her. “No, you promised me that he would die!” Kenzi accuses. “But if Massimo has information that can help us…” Bo caveats. Help Rainer, you mean. Once again, she’s putting that stranger above Kenzi’s needs. Kenzi holds up the reclaimed Geraldine to stop her excuses. “First you betray me. Now Dyson betrays me.” Bo protests, “Dyson loves you.” Kenzi shakes her head. “No.” She whirls around and runs out. “Kenzi, we have to trust him!” Bo shouts after her.
Over in the Dark Archives, Doctor Lauren is doing some research of her own…by flashlight. Thought she had carte blanche with The Morrigan. So why the sneaking? Hey, I just realized she wasn’t even in the last episode. Didn’t even miss her. But she’s back now and muttering about Bo’s new beau. “Rainer. Wanderer. Asshole. Whatever your name is.” She’s looking for proof of Rainer in the history books as “history keeps a record of everyone and everything.” Puzzled, she realizes the ink is coming off on her fingertips. She turns a page and discovers something interesting. It’s a drawing of Rainer with fangs and horns and surrounding by flames of fire. He’s Rainer Wanderer, the Guy on Fire! “Behold the demon beast, evil pure. Fanged teeth and horned. Him they call Rainer. Gotcha!” As the doc watches, more words appear on the near empty pages. “A thousand years shall be ended, he shall be unbound.” The doc takes a breath and tells herself not to freak out. She keeps reading. “To wreck torment beyond comparison, and betray the Fae. I knew it!” Sweetie, we all knew it.
Doctor Lauren hears somebody come in downstairs. “You think because the Mens went tits up things will just fall into place?” The doc gets up and looks out from the balcony in which apparently the Dark Archives are stored. “We need to intervene. Bo and this Wanderer freak? They took out the Una Mens. Probably the heir of Zamora too.” Evony is speaking to someone, but her partner is blocked from Doctor Lauren’s view by a pillar. “It’s only a matter of time before they come after me, after you,” Evony warns. “Everything would be easier if the succubus was dead!” The doc freaks out because, you know, The Morrigan has never threatened Bo before and have nothing come of it. Oh wait, she has. Not waiting to hear more, Doctor Lauren shoves the book in her bag, grabs some scrolls and parchment, and hurries off. Naturally, the moment she’s gone, Trick reveals himself. “Evony, you’re not going to kill my granddaughter,” he orders wearily. Evony scoffs at his obsession with family. “I warned you about her from the start.” Trick reminds her he’s missing Hale’s Day of Silence in order to meet with her and suggests Evony makes it count. “Ah yes, The Siren,” she muses. “Bit of a stick in the mud, wasn’t he?” Trick takes a moment. “He was a better leader than either of us will ever be.” Evony brings them back around to the topic of Rainer. “Shall we figure out what to do with him?” Trick points out that they first have to put their differences aside, “for now.” Evony reluctantly agrees. “That’s no fun.”
Back at The Dal, Tamsin is speed reading through the book the knight gave Bo. Rainer sits across the table from her while Bo stands next to it. “Massimo said that you’re dying,” she tells Rainer. Where is Kenzi again? The door opens as the knight arrives just as Bo says she thinks someone might have the answers. Rainer leaps to his feet as he recognizes the knight. “Rosette!” He rushes over to take her hands. “She was my best lieutenant,” he tells Bo. “Spent every moment trying to get us off that train.” Us? Rosette whinges that she failed Rainer but he denies this and Bo suggests Rosette could help them now. “All these prophecies that you keep spouting, is there anything about Rainer dying?” Rosette claims that to be impossible. “The alliance between you both would ensure that the earthly curse was lifted.” Bo has no idea what she’s talking about. “What earthly curse?! What alliance?!”
“If The Wanderer is rescued and the first curse should fail, he shall be cursed again to suffer and perish within seven days of being on this earth,” Tamsin reads. “Crap, he’s been here six days.” Bo tries to wrap her brain around the mumbo jumbo. “So in case the first curse was broken, a fail-safe was built in by the person who cursed him. Trick.” Tamsin reveals that only by the blood of your enemy can the curse be broken.” Bo realizes that Trick’s blood is in her. “What is it with my family and blood?” Rosette realizes that they can break the curse. “And maybe find this Pyrippus,” Bo adds. “The one who’s been manipulating me,” Rainer says dully. “The one whose ass I’m going to kick when I find him. Which is how?” she asks Tamsin. Rosette decides they need something that both Bo and Rainer shared. Like bodily fluids? “A symbol. A clue,” Rainer adds. Bo thinks for a moment. “There is one thing,” she says though she doesn’t sound too pleased about it.
Now at Hilton Hovel, Bo, Rainer, and Rosette contemplate The Wanderer tarot card. Bo sums up how in order to keep Rainer from dying in the next 24 hours and find the Pyrippus who’s dicking around with their lives, they have to form an allegiance and their only clue is the tarot card. Rainer explains that the purpose of a tarot card is to guide, so maybe there’s a message in this one. Bo relates how it revealed itself as a ticket to Kenzi when she touched it in Turn to Stone. Bo touches it and when nothing happens, she grabs a box of matches and lights it up. Once again it displays the roman numerals MMXV which Rainer helpfully identifies at 2015. I’m telling ya, that’s going to come back to bite us in S5 i.e. 2015 itself Bo relates how the card did the same thing with Kenzi. Then it was meant a time, 8:15, when the Death Train would arrive so Clio and Dyson could get on it to find Bo. Rainer wonders if it could mean something else this time around like a code or a date. “It could be cartography coordinates,” a new voice interjects. It’s Doctor Lauren and she’s brought the Dark Archive book and apparently her cartography degree from season one. Bo should really learn to lock her door if only to keep out the riff raff. The doc gives Bo sad puppy eyes. “We need to talk.” Bo glances at Rainer; understanding, he rubs her shoulder in support. Bo leads the way upstairs while Rosette and Rainer contemplate the tarot card.
Upstairs, Bo looks at the picture of the guy on fire who looks like Rainer. “Fangs? Horns? Obviously this Wanderer is not the guy in my kitchen.” Bo checks out the tome. “The book doesn’t even feel real; is the ink still wet?” She tosses it back to Doctor Lauren who admits that she was also confused at first about the book’s state until she remembered there was no memory of Rainer. “When his memory returned, history’s memory of him returned as well. And it’s not pretty.” She reads from the book. Nothing bad ever came from reading a book…
“The Warrior shall escape his curse. The Valkyrie shall be reborn. The blood of a Zamoran shall be spilled. Any of this sound familiar to you?” Since she can’t deny that, Bo stays silent. “The woman of the horse shall rise. I don’t have any idea what that means,” the doc allows. “Between the Warrior and the Queen, one of the two shall die.” She hasn’t figured out yet who the queen is and Bo brings her up to date that they think it’s her. Who else? “Holy shit, Bo, then it’s coming true! Don’t you see? We have got to get you out of here.” the doc exclaims. But for once, naturally at the wrong time, but for once Bo stops to wonder about Doctor Lauren’s motivations. “Why are you doing this?” she asks. The doc leaps up to pace. “Something is coming for you! The Morrigan—” But Bo is back to being stuck only on it being about her. “To get back at me?”
Doctor Lauren is actually shocked. “I stayed with The Dark for you! I isolated myself for you.” Exactly how and from who has she isolated herself when she’s around all the time?! Never mind as whoooosh! There goes all of Doctor Lauren’s character growth and agency claiming this season right out the window as it’s all reduced to being only about Bo. “This was all for you—everything that I do is for you!” Stop cock blocking Bo! She doesn’t need or want your help or want your protection! She can take care of herself! Remember? Oh wait, no, that’s only when it’s Dyson. When it’s Doctor Lauren, it’s out of sacrificial, heroic love. Right. Sorry. Forgot the unmitigated hypocrisy of Lost Girl there for a minute. Carry on.
For once, Bo calls the doc on her bullshit. “Except for telling me your plan. Or the truth.” The doc insists she had to make Bo believe it if she was going to convince The Morrigan. Also, because everything she said to Bo in episode 5 was the truth. Bo is pissed. “I can’t even hear this right now. There’s too much going on! Kenzi is hurting so badly and where were you? Playing around in the Dark archives digging up shit on the man somehow intertwined with my destiny.”
The doc is pissed now too. “So that’s it, huh. You choose him?” Bo reminds Doctor Lauren that she chose her in season three and the doc rightly realized that it wasn’t working, “and you broke my heart.” The doc relaxes her combative stance a little because she knows it’s true. I’d be more encouraged about them finally speaking truth to each other if I wasn’t so sure it wouldn’t mean jack shit as any second now Bo’s bound to forgive her and probably jump on her. The doc takes a step toward Bo. Here it comes. For once, I’m glad to see Rainer as he gently interrupts them. “Whenever you’re ready, Bo, I think I’ve figured something out.” Bo nods and gives him a small smile. The doc looks over her shoulder at him with resignation. She nods and rolls her eyes. Yeah. All right.
The Morrigan enters her bedroom while bitching on her phone about how she booked Serge three months ago, “and this puss-puss isn’t gonna wax itself! I don’t care how sick his mother is, you make it happen!” Always a giver, our Evony. She stops in her tracks when she sees Doctor Lauren sprawled on her bed in a sexy negligee with two flutes of champagne in her hands at the ready. So, clearly she’s quite broken up over that scene with Bo that she just had. Seriously though, that was a majorly abrupt editing segue. “(Doctor) Lauren,” Evony exclaims, not unhappily. “Make yourself at my home.” Very pleased with herself, the doc tells her they’re celebrating. “Heavens, doctor what did you do?” Evony quips. “Discover a new spore?” Doctor Lauren announces she wants to officially join the Dark. Evony, no one’s fool, doesn’t believe her. “Changes of heart don’t happen for no reason.” The doc shrugs off her doubt. “I’m a human in the Fae world. Something that’s been difficult to reconcile over the years. Something that’s made me feel weak and small. You’ve given me strength. Confidence.” The best lies work because they’re full of truth and Doctor Lauren is never more honest than when she’s lying. Because make no mistake, she’s running a game on Evony for sure, but she’s speaking truth all the same. Like she did in the season three finale to Bo and again in episode five this season. Evony may even have met her devious match here.
“Oh, you’re not falling in love with me, are you?” Evony exclaims, genuinely horrified by the idea. The doc neatly skirts the question. “You know The Light kept me imprisoned. They made me wear a dog collar disguised as a necklace. The Dark gave me respect. Freedom. Trusted me with their research.” Which you then used for
nefarious “noble” purposes. This satisfies Evony enough that she unbends some and sits on the bed with the doc. “You could sell diapers to a Sumo.” The doc scoots forward on her knees and hands Evony a flute. “Do you know that I feel more like myself than I have in years?” She strokes her hand through Evony’s hair. That I totally buy. She asks Evony to claim her and The Morrigan chuckles. “Honey, I don’t need to claim your clam to claim you.” The doc smiles and hums. Evony gets up and invites the doc to tell her what all this is really about so she adds some more truth to the pile. “I have nowhere else to go.” Evony refills her flute as Doctor Lauren joins her. “Look, I’m not asking to be your girlfriend,” the doc says even as she caresses Evony’s hair again. To be fair, she has gorgeous hair. “But I might want some of the benefits.”Evony gets a cagey look on her face. “I have never understood you humans, but you are fun to play with.” The music swells and they mack. It’s a shame the doc’s spy banging her. They’d actually make a great couple. Of course Doctor Lauren is totally spy banging Evony. It’s her thang.
Somewhere in downtown Faeronto, Bo, Rainer, and Rosette enter a “Spiritual Center.” Bet they got some looks walking down the street with Rosette dressed for battle. Bo has changed out of her funeral dress and now looks like she raided Xena’s closet while sporting a hair extension that puts the pony in ponytail. The center’s street number is 2015. Guess this is the lead Rainer conjured from the tarot card. There’s a 60s-ish painting of a sunrise on the bottom half of the glass doors and I swear it’s the same place where Bo and Ryan investigate the cult whose brainwashing tactics lead to them almost getting married. Inside, on the wall is a Celtic drawing of a horse against a red canvas. “The woman of the horses,” Bo recites when she see it. The three study it, barely noticing the woman in monk’s robes who approaches them. She introduces herself as Sister Epona. “What is it that you seek, children?” Rosette immediately assumes she’s a threat and, calling Bo “her queen,” she leaps forward, draws her sword, and tackles Sister Epona to the ground with the blade against her throat. When Bo orders her to stand down, Rosette explains it was Sister Epona who attacked her when she first arrived. Sister Epona swears she’s never seen Rosette in her life. Bo eases Rosette back and helps Sister Epona up in order to zap her with the succutouch. “You’re more beautiful than I expected,” Sister Epona gasps. With an irritated chin jerk, Rainer rolls his eyes and silently scoffs. This again. HA! I admit I’m entertained that he’s the one new addition who gets irritated by the sycophantic worship of Bo. True, he’s still “Bo is The ONE” about it all, but that move just went a long way to making me hate his existence a little less.
Bo asks the impaired Sister Epona what the deal is with the horse. She calls the horse great and all-powerful, “with dominion over life and death. Only the mighty one will denote the worthy from the fallen. But if you find it…” Bo wants to find it. “Your blood will destroy him. He must be protected!” Bo demands to know from whom the Pyrippus needs to be protected. “The Succubus. You!” Sister Epona hisses. Bo wants to know what she has to do with it. “The daughter’s intentions are not clear,” Sister Epona recites. Rainer recoils at that. “Daughter?” Bo braces herself. “The Pyrippus,” she begins, tentative. “Is he?” “Your father,” Sister Epona answers, still succujuiced.
At The Dal, Kenzi strokes the still bloodied Geraldine while she broods over a picture of her and Hale. Gotta say, it looks more like Ksenia Solo and K.C. Collins goofing around than it does Kenzi and Hale, but I don’t even care. She flips it over as Vex enters and plops down on the stool beside her. “So, what should we do then darling? My vote?” He holds up a bottle already at the ready. “We get rip-roaring drunk and settle into a stack of oh, I dunno, something Rachel McAdams-y.” He hops behind the bar for glasses. Kenzi snaps that she didn’t call him for cuddles. “I need to get revenge.” Vex is game for that too. “Revenge is my middle name,” he quips while pouring out two shots. “Well second middle, actually, after Chauncy. It’s a family thing; don’t judge.” Heeeeeee.
Hang on, where’s Dyson? No way he leaves Kenzi there alone with Massimo downstairs. Or did we just not think that far ahead again, show?
In high dudgeon, Kenzi slams her hands down on the bar and stands up to make her point. “I’m talking blood spilled, guts, pain. I’m talking payback.” Mouth full of booze, Vex wordlessly orders her to stop. “You’re givin’ me a stiffy,” he says after swallowing. “All right,” he decides more seriously. “Tell Uncle Vex. Who’s the unfortunate sot who’s going to meet his untimely end?” Kenzi names Massimo and Vex laughs. “What that low-level, teabag human druid? How in the world did he manage to kill Hale?” Kenzi rattles off in a rush that Massimo had the Twig of Zamora. “What stupid idiot gave that to him?” Vex wonders. Miserable again, Kenzi closes her eyes. “Me,” she whispers. Vex is done joking around. “Do you have any idea what you’re dealing with? Do you even know where he is?”
Kenzi shouts that she knows exactly where Massimo is, “he’s in The Lair! And you are the only one
who that can help me! So come on!” Not waiting for an answer, she gets up to lead the way. But Vex is having a personal dilemma. “You’re putting me in a real fix here, you understand?” he shouts. Kenzi’s body language says she does not, in fact, understand. “Honesty’s not my strong suit. You know that, love. I’m not a good Fae! Screw or be screwed.” Kenzi goes back to the bar to deal with his reticence. “You’re having a crisis of conscience now?!” she says, incredulous. “Vex, I need the real you. Killer, crooked, cocky, dirty-till-the-death Vex.” Vex considers her a moment. “Okay. Okay. We’ll take out this crumpet muncher, Massimo. But!” he calls after Kenzi who is already hot to trot for Tolkien’s Lair. “Let me handle him, alright? I’ll Instagram you every gratuitous little bloody tick. In Kelvin, ‘cause it’s one of my favorite filter.” Kenzi’s not having any. She wants to be in on it all. “I know you’re trying to protect me, but that insect killed my almost husband. He took my happiness and my future, so this one is mine!” Vex reluctantly agrees, but as Kenzi heads off again, satisfied, he gazes at her with a look of doom. Vexy’s got a surprise coming for Kenzi and not one she’s going to like neither.
Bo paces Hilton Hovel and frets about the thing that she’s not supposed to get her hands on. Rosette silently watches and Rainer lounges on the couch and adds that they need to know what it has to do with Bo’s father as well. Bo crouches behind the couch and thinks for a
change moment. “In my YDawning I saw a horse in the room where my father held me when I was a baby. Last year I was haunted by a carousel.” Rainer thinks they’re all delaying tactics to draw out a storyline beyond which anyone can bother to care clues. Ya think? “He wants to meet you.” Bo grouses that he never has before. “I’ve been wanting to meet him my whole life and now I’m terrified.” She’s only known she was supernatural and ergo adopted for ten years and only known about being Fae and her parentage for four, but sure. Okay. She’s wanted to meet him forever. Rainer gently allows that this is because terrible things have rightly been said about Bo’s father. “For a reason,” Rosette snaps. Bo and Rainer look at her sharply, their absurd tender moment interrupted by the reminder of her presence. “So I have heard,” she backpedals.
Bo thinks if her father’s evil, than a part of her must be evil as well. Ah, you’ve met your mother Aoife, right? Think we passed “a part” a while back there. “Come on. Look at how the history books painted me,” Rainer scoffs. Accurately? “Malevolent and depraved beast.” Bo strokes his bare arm. “History really likes the ugly.” Rosette again interrupts, though more tentative this time. “My queen, I must tell you, according to the prophecies, your alliance with Rainer will release your father from his prison.” Bo only hears one part of that statement. “He’s in prison?! Why? By who?!” Rosette doesn’t have any answers or at least isn’t sharing any. Bo frets with indecision. “I don’t know what to do. If we align then you live but my father will be released.” Rainer sympathizes with her dilemma. “And because you know nothing about him, the danger may be too great.”
Down in Tolkien’s Lair, Massimo eagerly watches as Vex undoes the chains from the makeshift cell door Dyson cobbled together beneath the spiral staircase. Why didn’t he just use the dungeon underground where Trick keeps the Underfae who didn’t survive their Dawnings? Where did Dyson go again? Massimo cowers as Vex drags him out from under the staircase to toss him into the center of the room. “You buggered up big style,” Vex snarls at the cowering druid. Very carefully, Kenzi advances on Massimo and holds Geraldine against his jaw. “It must have been horrifying to know what an ugly monster you’d be if you survived that fire,” she says quietly. Massimo trembles and then finds his balls to sneer up at her. “Every inch of my body was searing. I could smell the stench. My stench. Burning flesh and hair and sweat that burned the instant it appeared.” That’s…visual. He gets to his feet, sword still against his throat. He smiles over Kenzi’s shoulder at Vex and then at Kenzi. “But I prevailed,” he chortles. “Thanks to your boyfriend.” “My fiancé,” Kenzi corrects through gritted teeth. Massimo rubs his neck against the blade. “Even better.” Kenzi demands to know the locations of the Twig of Zamora. Massimo trills that he really can’t say. “You’ll understand the irony of that once I cut out your pretty little tongue,” Kenzi menaces in a whisper. For someone unaccustomed to being a murderous psychopath, she’s doing a damn fine job. “Ow,” Massimo moans in earnest. “Vexie!”
Vex waves his Mesmer arm and with a yell, flings Geraldine out of Kenzi’s grasp. “I’m sorry, love,” he says sincerely. “But this hot mess is mine.” WHAT the actual FUCK, SHOW?! “Yours?!” Kenzi replies in disbelief. “This psychopath killed our Hale!” Vex knows this. “But his mum abandoned him and I gave my blood oath I’d take him in. I mean, he used to curl at my feet then stab them with forks, but, like a fine mold, he grows on you.” No, seriously, where the hell is Dyson?
Vex takes Massimo to task while Kenzi tries to get her head around the newest absurd revelation. “I bought you your own shop of herbal druidic shite and still you’re nothing but aggro, you little Muppet!” Kenzi picks up one of Trick’s heavy candlestick holders. “I’m so sick of you Fae and your blood oath bullshit!” She swings the holder at Massimo but Vex mesmers Kenzi and flings her across the room to sprawl inelegantly on the chaise. Massimo picks up one of the lit candles. “So you want to feel what burning flesh feels like?” he threatens. But Vex mesmers him back. “Let me deal,” he orders. He might save Massimo but he’s not happy about it. He backs Massimo up with his power. “I do everything else for you. So just get out before I change my mind.” He gives the druid one final mesmer push and Massimo runs out and up the stairs, candle still in hand. Kenzi scrambles off the chaise, picks up the candlestick holder, and runs after Massimo, but Vex catches her up in an embrace to stop her. “NO!” she shouts. “Sorry Kenz,” Vex says, holding her tight. “But we all got our burdens to bear.” He thrusts her back from him then strides off after the druid. “No,” Kenzi moans. She drops the candlestick holder to the ground with a clatter and grabs her head in distress.
In a different, more pleasurable kind of distress, Evony is getting oral therapy from Doctor Lauren. She screams with release as the doc burrows her way up and out from down under. Evony trills about how oral sex with Doctor Lauren is like being a virgin all over again. Doctor Lauren chuckles smugly and the women link fingers as they lie next to one another and savor the aftermath. “(Doctor) Lauren, who knew?” Evony flirts. Bo. NotComaNadia. Crystal. “Well, the doctor is in,” the doc quips and then moans over her own bad pun. They giggle and sigh and then The Morrigan makes an unpleasant noise as she tastes something foul on her tongue. “Ew, salt.” She licks her lips repeatedly. “Ew, so much salt.” The doc props herself up on one arm high enough to affectionately kiss Evony’s forehead. “You’re sweating,” she murmurs in kind. “Good sex will do that.” This seems to be Doctor Lauren’s cue as she immediate shuffles up out of the bed while Evony processes the fact that she’s sweating. “No,” she says definitively. “Not to me. Never me.” She struggles to sit up, suddenly woozy, and wonders why she feels so weird. Dressed now, Doctor Lauren preens as she buttons her shirt. “Because Evony,” she says lightly as though they’re discussing what to put in their coffee. “You’ve been transformed. Welcome to my world. You’re 100% human.” What the ACTUAL FUCK, SHOW?!
Evony glares at Doctor Lauren. Without a word, she lifts her hand to melt the doc where she stands. Shocked that her wonder powers of all things medical evah have failed her in this crucial moment, Doctor Lauren screams first in rage and then in pain as, like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark, her face slowly melts until she’s a hideous version of herself and then the rest of her turns to goo as she melts to death into a puddle before Evony’s eyes.
Oh all right. But that would’ve been awesome.
Evony glares at Doctor Lauren. Without a word, she lifts her hand to melt the doc where she stands. Nothing happens. The doc laughs at her. “Are you trying to melt me?” Evony drops her hand with a frustrated growl. “That’s adorable,” the doc mocks. Evony wants to know how the doc did it. “I used your own DNA to create the serum that transformed you.” Because all it takes to rewrite someone’s DNA is a freaking serum. STOP THE PRESSES! Got a pesky genetic disease? Take a swig of Doctor Lauren Magic Serum and presto! All healed! “What serum?!” Evony asks. “Ow,” Doctor Lauren teases. “Forgotten already? It’s only 20 minutes ago you were down there.” It’s a vaginal serum? Are you freaking kidding me? So once again Doctor Lauren pimped herself out for nefarious means? I’m shocked! Shocked, I—nope. Can’t even manage to pretend to be shocked on this one.
Evony follows the bouncing ball and Doctor Lauren preens as she watches The Morrigan catch it. The doc is mighty pleased with this little sexual assault of hers that’s rewritten Evony’s DNA, a woman who has done nothing personal to the doc but protect and empower her and encourage and enable her agency. Clearly, she must be stopped! “You know, books will be written about this,” she crows. Except you can’t tell anyone about it because the Fae are a secret society and the humans will lock you up in the loony bin at the mention of supernatural creatures on whom you’ve performed experiments. On second thought—preach it, girlfriend! Doctor Lauren continues to brag about her
crime accomplishments. Every good villain loves to monologue. “I’ll write the first one. It’ll be called The Lewis Solution for Difficult Fae.” Subtitle: How I signed my own death warrant. Make it so. It’d be nice if she name-checked here how this revolution in Fae medicine is based on Taft’s research on how to turn a human Fae.
Why again hasn’t Evony, the leader of the Dark Fae, called for the guards yet? Oh right. It’s in the ridiculous script. Got it.
“Shit!” Evony yells as Doctor Lauren collects her things. Something is happening to her nose. “Get it off!” Doctor Lauren patronizes that it’s just an itch. So the Fae don’t get itches? That doesn’t seem at all likely. Evony scratches her nose as the doc…packs up her tools? The Morrigan considers her next move. “Bo has a soft spot for humans,” she observes. That wipes the smug smirk from the doc’s face. “Her distrust just falls away, as do her panties. She’ll grow to like me,” she taunts. “See that we have so much in common. For example,” she adds, voice going hard as the doc approaches her. “Both of us will obviously screw anything.” Doctor Lauren hauls off and slugs her because beating her is the natural next step, now that she’s violated Evony’s identity at the fundamental level and changed the true nature with which she was born.
The doc shakes her hand and apologizes reflexively as Evony squeals in pain. “No, I’m not sorry,” Doctor Lauren corrects. “I was going to prick you but this works too.” She takes a sample from Evony’s now bloody lip and puts it in the blood sugar monitor she brought with her while warning Evony that an experiment of this magnitude could be very risky for a Fae of her age. Hey, at least she didn’t get a needle in her hip without anesthesia. Count your blessings, Evony. “Your system could accept the sudden and all-encompassing changes very well. Or it could all wear off and you’ll be dead within the hour.” This possible outcome doesn’t bother Doctor Lauren at all. Evony flinches and then gets an idea and slyly reaches for her nearby purse with her toe to dig out her mobile.
Okay, first of all, a serum that can rewrite someone’s DNA let alone a supernatural someone in 20 minutes is absolutely, 100% absurd. Contrary to appearance, being a fantasy show doesn’t mean you can just make shit up as you go along. Fiction must make more sense that reality, not less. Any and all outlandish maneuvers in that fantasy world must be rooted in reality so that the audience can take those leaps of suspended disbelief and have it make sense to them within that world and theirs. Do you need a Johns Hopkins approved way of transforming a Fae to a human? No, but does have to sound like something that could come out of Johns Hopkins if the Fae were in fact real? You’re damn right it does. A vaginal serum that’s orally transmitted and can rewrite DNA in under 30 minutes doesn’t cut it in either world. Hell, a regular serum doesn’t cut it. Second, I don’t care how amoral, murderous, or eeevvvviiilll Evony has proved to be in the course of the life of Lost Girl, she has never directly done anything against Doctor Lauren and in fact has done more for the woman than anyone else on the show, including Bo. Plus, it doesn’t matter how bad the bad guy is in a fantasy show (or mystery or science fiction or thriller) or how much he/she may “deserve” a comeuppance. What matters is how the—and I use this term facetiously when it comes to Doctor Lauren—“heroes” of the story respond and react to that bad guy. They must make the hard choices to be better than that evil, not sink to its level and indeed below it as the doc does here and that’s before she brags about it. If there was any chance that this was the beginning of a journey for Doctor Lauren into taking up the reigns of being a full Fae-terrorist with her medical mojo, maybe even the Big Bad of season five, that would be one thing. That would mean there could be cost and consequences ahead for her actions and a deeper intent and plan than just getting a naughty one over on The Morrigan. But the tenor of these scenes is one of triumph, not ambiguous complexity. There’s no sense of horror, no “my God, what have you done?” moment.
When in truth, Doctor Lauren’s assault against Evony (and however willing she was, the ultimate outcome of their sexual encounter redefines it as assault, whether Evony knew it at the time or not) is akin to the ‘80s urban legend of AIDS-infected hookers who left lipstick messages for johns after they’d had sex with them welcoming them to the world of AIDS. Even if Doctor Lauren claims to have done it “for Bo,” that does not excuse her malicious intent and execution not to mention the fact that she takes pride and pleasure in her frankly terrifying accomplishment. Finally, in a show that prides itself, nay, trumpets its ethos of a woman powered show both behind and before the camera, to have one woman character who is an acknowledged lesbian sexually assault another woman character for nefarious purposes and then paint that assault in heroic tones or, even worse, with the heavy implication that Evony deserved what she got is, quite frankly, deeply offensive and borderline reprehensible. Those are some blurred lines you got there. Shame on you, show.
Back at The Dal, Dyson sits at the table across from Bo, his hands on a scroll Bo goes on about her angst…again. “All this talk of destiny.” Dyson looks up at that. The last time Bo mentioned destiny to him was the last time they were in The Dal together and she was fracturing his heart while waxing on about Rainer being her destiny. “Dyson, I am being pulled in every direction.” She admits to him she doesn’t know what to do. Drop the poser, return to the man you love, and stop ignoring your devastated best friend would be a good place to start. He admits he doesn’t know either. “This one is your call.” Bo flinches; she’s not used to him not giving her what she needs when she needs it. “Oh Dyson,” she murmurs, putting her hand on his on top of the scroll as though they’re in it together, as though nothing has changed between them. Dyson deliberately looks down at where her hand lays on top of his. “Did we do the right thing?” Who’s this “we”, lady? “With Massimo?” he clarifies. Bo moans about how much Kenzi is hurting, “and we let her down!”
There’s a grunt from behind the bar as Tamsin levers herself up. Dyson looks over as though just remembering she’s there. He quickly looks back at Bo, now a tad chagrined as he recalls what happened the last time he was in The Dal with Tamsin. Immediately, he snatches his hands out from under Bo’s. Bo glances at Tamsin and then back to Dyson as she notices his recoil. For a moment, she frowns at him, puzzled. “Trick’s good at hiding the real stuff,” Tamsin acknowledges. She holds up a bottle. “But not that good.” While Tamsin makes her way over to them, Dyson and Bo have one of their silent conversations that speak volumes. “Okay, let’s drink,” Tamsin decides and clunks three glasses down on the table. “A little to remember the good stuff. A lot to forget the bad.” That’s a great line. Also, I love Tamsin’s attitude. Hale is dead. Shit is going down. Which of them is banging the other and who’s being a first-class, selfish bitch to whom and why just doesn’t matter right now. She drags a chair over to sit between them. Dyson broods over the scroll; Tamsin shoots him a look from the corner of her eye as she pours and asks if he’s going to open it. “It’s the Zamoran family code,” he explains as he unfurls it. “Although I don’t know why Hale gave it to me.”
The unrolled scroll reveals a sampler with another quaint Zamoran poem. Puzzled, Bo frowns and reads the family code from it as Dyson raises his glass to Tamsin. Here’s to Hale. Tamsin clinks it with hers and they both drink. Dyson grimaces violently as the “good stuff” goes down. Tamsin likewise scowls. Bo reads: “Complexity, courage, strength, and beauty. Mindful always of your duty; To ties of blood and those we love; with gentle hands, wings of a dove; Ready thyself, on guard, be keen.” She notes it’s not much of a poem. “It inspired Hale when he was a child,” Dyson sadly reminds her. Tamsin checks him as Bo holds out the sampler and asks if she and Dyson are seeing what Bo sees. With a glow of light, an extra line appears at the end of the code. Tamsin rereads the new couplet. “Ready thyself, on guard, be keen. To reunite with the Queen.” She quirks her brow, unimpressed. “Well, there’s your rhyme.” Bo scoffs. “Zamoran poetry? Rainer remembered? History rewriting itself?! What’s next?!” Curious himself, Dyson turns the sampler over. “Ta da,” Tamsin says, still unimpressed. On the back of the primer is a red and black crest, the same crest tattooed on Rosette’s shoulder. “I know this crest!” Bo exclaims, snatching the parchment from Dyson’s hands. “It’s from the Order of the Knights
Who Say Nee of Raina. It means loyalty.” She looks up at Dyson with dread. His brow furrows. Loyalty? “To their queen,” she adds duly, glancing at Tamsin. “Not just their queen. THE Queen,” the Valkyrie adds with emphasis. Tamsin braces herself and explains that when she was collecting souls on the battlefield, knowing who served whom, “I had to memorize every crest there ever was.” She grabs the sampler and holds it up. “See this crown how it hovers over the coat of arms? And the bee.” She points to the bee image at the top of the crown. “The queen bee. Literally.”
“They think that I am that queen,” Bo says to Dyson, stunned. Well, people do tend to want to taste her honey. But Dyson too knows about crest and fealty. He knows there’s more to it than that and that knowledge is forming across his face. “No Bo, it’s so much more than that,” Tamsin tells her. She squeezes Bo’s hand in support as she lays it out for her. “‘The Queen’ doesn’t just mean ‘The Queen’.” Well, now that that’s all cleared up… Bo looks to Dyson for clarification. “Bo, it means you’re The One,” he tells her. He doesn’t look too happy about it either. The Queen of what? The One what?! Or are we just supposed to be glad no one’s brought up the C word? (That’d be “champion,” you pervs.)
Down in the Una Mens’ lair, I guess, it’s hard to tell at this point, Massimo is packing small boxes into his satchel when Vex enters, pocketing his mobile. “I’ve made a call to a friend in Warwickshire, Bill. Famous playwright. Nice guy!” Of course Shakespeare is Fae! He tells Massimo they’re going to stay with “Bill” until things in Faeville blow over. Massimo opens a jar to fiddle with strands of Tamsin’s Valkyrie hair. Vex shoulders his go-bag. “Flights are booked. So come on, let’s go.” But Massimo isn’t going anywhere. He’s too busy getting his crazy on, nattering how he can’t leave until it’s finished. “You killed the heir of Zamora, you unappreciative little shit!” Vex yells at him, adding a smack to Massimo’s shoulder for good measure. “No wonder your mummy didn’t want you.” This sets Massimo off crying and he flings himself at Vex.
“What am I going to do with you, eh Mo?” Vex wonders, not without affection. “You were such a wee thing when your mum dropped you off with me. I tried everything I could to raise you right. Didn’t I feed you proper, eh? Teach you everything I know?” Anyone else charmed at the idea of Vex as Mummy? “It still wasn’t good enough for you, is it? Every little psycho needs their mummy.” Are you my mummy? Vex tells Massimo he’s all the druid has left and begs him to come to England with him. “Just you and me! As it’s
never in this entire show always been.” Crying, Massimo nods agreement, which makes Vex happy. “Bill is a lovely guy. Just don’t mention Hamlet to him. He’s obsessed with the ending. Thinks it should’ve gone the other way.” He leads the way out just as Massimo’s mobile rings. Massimo gets a manic, eager look on his face as Vex begs him not to answer. “It’s only gonna end badly. Please Mo. Come with Vexie.” But Massimo answers the phone instead and promptly runs out of the dungeon. Vex sighs heavily.
Back in her bedroom, Evony finishes getting dressed. She slides her heels on as the door bangs open. “What took you so long?” she snaps. “And what’s wrong with your face? You look like a walking chemical peel gone wrong.” She mockingly chides the newcomer for pouting then holds out her arms to him. Massimo comes into frame and Evony kisses him like a lover. Ecstatic, he kneels before her with his head on her breasts. She strokes his hair. “It’s true. The doctor has turned you. I can hear your heart beating.” Her heart didn’t beat before? She’s Fae, not the walking dead. Fae have heartbeats, show! They’re a species, not a zombie classification. Oy. Massimo goes on in raptures over how wonderful it is that they’re now the same kind. Evony is less thrilled. She shoves him away. “Gross.”
Massimo rallies and says they have to hurry, “because when (Doctor) Lauren finds out that I sent the text and not Bo and Bo isn’t downstairs, she’ll come back.” And what? Taunt you with her Fae STD infected needles? Oh nos! You’re a man plus not Fae, so no fear of the vaginal serum double whammy there. And since Doctor Lauren doesn’t have a nearby surgical table on which to strap you down, you should be good. Unless there’s a pipe bomb nearby… In a temper, Evony agrees to go. “I’m itchy and I think I might be getting my period for the first time.” Massimo is her son—SPOILER ALERT—and we’re supposed to believe she got pregnant without having a menstrual cycle, even a suppressed one? Is this why nobody among the Fae ever worries about or acknowledges safe sex…except Hale and Kenzi? Show, do you even hear yourself sometimes?
Evony snaps that Massimo better have some miracle cure-all in his bag. Despite the acknowledged need to leave right away, she takes a moment to rifle his bag and bitch about its contents. “Some blonde’s extension,” she grouses, completely missing the gleeful smile Massimo gets at the sight of Tamsin’s hair. She pulls out the box that holds the Origin Seed. “Bad Barbie rattan furniture?! That’s it!” She tosses the box across the room. Massimo hurries to retrieve it. Smiling he holds it up. “I found something very powerful and this is going to make everything better. Trust me!” Evony is done trusting humans. “How can I trust an albatross so utterly fantastic at failing?” She lists his offensives. “Bring home a cute university pal. Fail. Bring me the head of the succubus. Fail. Fix my eye. I still see spots!” She takes his hands. “Always such a disappointing monster.” Massimo begs her not to call him that. Evony ignores him and instead says she always knew he was a monster on the inside, “but now you look like a monster on the outside too.” Massimo grits his teeth. “Stop it, MOTHER!” Now Massimo. You kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh wait, you actually do. “Mother?!” Doctor Lauren exclaims from the doorway. Dun dun DUN!
Bo, Rainer, and Rosette arrive in some random portentous room. I gather this is the back room to the “Spiritual Center.” How they got there, when and wherefore Rosette and Rainer showed up again, whether Bo and Dyson know that Vex freed Massimo and Kenzi is alone in Tolkien’s Lair, and where the hell Dyson and Tamsin got to apparently have no bearing whatsoever. What the hell is happening in this show? A cellist plays a dirge while novitiates dressed like Sister Epona, only in white robes rather than black, gather before a wall tapestry depicting Trick’s monster horse drawing in full color. “Recognize anything?” Rainer asks Bo. From where?! A bronze horse statue is in the foreground with the cellist to its rear. “I was secretly hoping this thing I’m not supposed to find would be easy to spot,” she admits. I think the Bo, Dyson and Tamsin at The Dal “You’re The Queen” scene was supposed to come after this one not before. Rainer thinks there’s too many people for them to fight at once and suggests they spread out. “All I see are horses,” Bo says. There’s like twelve Equus jokes I should be making here.
“Intruder!” A novitiate shouts the alarm because she can see through the rock behind which Bo, Rainer, and Rosette hide. Bo saunters out. “You don’t like me very much, do you horse whisperer?” Heh. Sister Epona repeats that if it comes, “you will bring death and destruction.” Bo wants to know what she’s talking about. “Do not play games, betrayer of all,” Sister Epona demands. “You are interfering with destiny.” Bo strokes the head of one of the horse statutes. That’s not a euphemism. “No, I’m finally facing it.” She takes note of where Sister Epona is very carefully not looking and strolls over to that statue. As the camera tracks her, revealed behind Rosette and Rainer, is a stone ziggurat flanked by two pillars topped with bowls of fire. Boulders fill the ziggurat’s entrance, blocking the way. Rosette draws her sword very slowly. Bo strokes her hand down the back of another horse statue and notes how upset Sister Epona gets. “Oh, does that bother you? You only like horse play when you’re the one doing the playing?” Sister Epona lunges for her. “You must die!” she cries, revealing a hidden sword. Rosette swoops in to fight her while Bo and Rainer try to figure out what to do with the horse statute.
“Be careful,” Rainer cautions. “Could be a Trojan horse.” How long have you been waiting to use that line, show? Bo realizes it’s literally a Trojan horse as what they’re looking for must be inside it. “There must be some sort of trigger or something.” Maybe it’s in silver too. Hi ho. Rosette and Sister Epona continue to epically duel. Seriously, it’s an awesome fight. Go Casey. Bo and Rainer struggle to open the horse when Bo remembers the Zamoran poem. She rattles off the rhyming couplet; immediately the statue’s saddle clicks open revealing the inner chamber. Bo pulls out…a braid. “NO!” Sister Epona screams. She raises her sword above her head exposing her belly; Rosette takes the advantage and stabs her. “The hand fasting. It cannot be,” Sister Epona moans with her last breath. “Hand fasting?!” Bo exclaims. “Oh no no no no no. Been there, done that. With a Loki in a cheesy Niagara hotel.” Ah, Ryan. Good times. I love Ryan. I miss Ryan. Rainer gives her a priceless what the hell are you talking about? look. “What?!” Heh. If there was more of that from him and less of this destiny bullshit, I might not loathe his very existence so much. Bo looks at the braid in her hand. “Tell me if I’m getting this wrong, but are we supposed to get married?”
Alone at Hilton Hovel, Kenzi stares at that same picture of her and Hale in happier times. The Big Book is open before her. She tears the photo in two and crumples up Hale’s half. Bo trots in. Kenzi pulls the book closer. Bo tells her she’s glad to find Kenzi there. Where else would she be? “How you been?” Kenzi asks with false interest. “Showing your new lady knight the sights?” Bo leans over the table. “You can try and push me away, Kenzi, but it’s not gonna work.” She doesn’t need to push when you abandon her every second you get! “I love you,” Bo says fiercely. Kenzi bangs the book down on the table. Her gaze is full of disillusionment. “It’s really interesting stuff,” she tells Bo. She reads the prophecy aloud. “One with eyes both brown and blue. One who shifts; a Valkyrie too. One with blood that rules the world.” She falters for a moment. “One who sings, his life unfurled. A warrior to be her guide. A healer always at her side.” Hopefully not always. “The professor and Mary-Ann!” Kenzi concludes sarcastically. “Everyone’s in here except the weak, human girl.” Ah, the healer’s a weak, human girl too, kiddo.
Bo assures Kenzi that she’s a part of all of them. “Unclaim me, Bo,” Kenzi flatly demands. Bo is gobsmacked to hear it. That’s one even Rainer couldn’t have seen coming. “That is your grief talking,” Bo insists. “That is not what you want.” Kenzi is sure it is what she wants. “I know I don’t want to be here anymore,” she announces firmly and gets to her feet. “My queen!” Rosette calls as she enters. Bo tries to brush her off. “It’s Rainer,” Rosette insists. “There’s not much time.” Bo hesitates, and that’s the final nail for Kenzi. “Can you just do this one thing, this one thing that I’m asking of you?” she asks bitterly. Bo refuses. “I’m not letting you go. I can’t.” “This is not about you!” Kenzi shouts. “Kenzi, this is a tough time,” Bo equivocates. Fed up, Kenzi slams something onto the floor, cutting Bo off. “Un-claim. Me.” Bo stares at her, just barely getting it. “Fine,” she snits softly. Pause. “I unclaim you.” Kenzi starts to sob. She rushes off as Rosette again calls for Bo to attend to Rainer. Bo scratches something on a sticky note and hands it to Rosette with instructions to give it to Rainer. “Sorry, it’s the best I can do.” Whatever. I don’t even care enough to try and figure out what’s going on at this point. Rosette takes the note and hurries out…with Kenzi right on her heels. “Kenzi, we are not done!” Bo shouts at her. “Yeah! We’re done!” Kenzi yells back with finality. Bo shoulders drop. Well damn. Guess I shouldn’t have sent Rosette away so fast.
Back in his Greenhouse, Massimo is in full meltdown mode, screaming about how nothing he does makes Evony happy. Not the Valkyrie hair. Not the Origin Seed. He loves her. He hates her. Wah, wah, wah. Cowering in a corner, crying, Doctor Lauren trembles with fear as Massimo rages. Oh look. Doctor Lauren needs to be rescued again. How surprising. He screams at the doc that he will get Evony everything she’s ever wanted, be everything she’s ever wanted. “And you, you’re gonna help me.” The doc whispers that she won’t but he ignores her. “We’re going to make a great team!” Given how close he is to being like Taft and how well the doc did with that crazy scientist, plus her handy trick turning humans Fae and Fae human, Massimo may be on to something there. “Of course, you’re gonna have to die…” Doctor Lauren finds a stray bit of her spine and swears she will not help a madman...at least, not again. “I’m not a monster!” Massimo screams. “Stop calling me a monster!” Doctor Lauren sobs with fear. Massimo entreats that what he’s about to do is science. “You are really, really gonna dig this.” It’s actually almost exactly what the doc just did to Evony only in the opposite direction. So more like what the doc did to Taft. Who’s the madman again?
Laughing, Massimo pulls out the Origin Seed to display it to the doc. Where did Evony get to? Doctor Lauren begs him not to eat it and swears she will do anything if he doesn’t. “Whoever takes this seed will have the combined power of the Una Mens and that means all power. And it is all mine.” He eats the seed and relishes it while the doc whimpers. Massimo laughs maniacally and then falls to the ground and screams as the seed transforms him while Doctor Lauren watches with horror.
Devastated by Kenzi’s desertion, Bo has called Tamsin and Dyson and the three are out combing Faeville searching for their missing friend. Hang on. Wait, no, Bo is so upset, she’s joined Rainer and Rosette in a random glade to get married. Rainer lounges on a log, but gets to his feet when she arrives as Rosette lights the bonfire. Rainer says he came as soon as he got Bo’s sticky note and asks if she’s all right. “Everything is changing around me,” she says. That’s what happens when you ignore people and take their presence for granted for too long. Rosette carefully backs up between them and then steps out from between them. “I can’t stop that,” Bo continues, “but I can control this. So I will bind with you and save your life and face my father on my own terms.” Rainer takes her hand and asks if she’s sure this is what she wants. Behind them, Rosette struggles to contain her glee. “Just to be clear,” Bo says to Rainer. “This isn’t about love. This is about what’s right for my family.” What’s right for your family is for you to go be with your family, you dumbass. Oy, this woman!
“Bo,” Rainer says firmly. “It is our destiny to fight together for the good of the Fae. To unite will be to join in a mutual quest. And for the record, I do love you.” Whatever, dude. Bo smiles and gets a little teary. She holds up the braid. “Here we go.” Rosette takes the braid and binds it around Bo and Rainer’s joined hands. She chants a bunch of Latin while Bo and Rainer stare at one another. As she finishes, Rosette backs away, gaze fixed on their bound hands. “Is that it?” Bo asks. “Well, you did just save my life,” Rainer reminds her.
But that’s not all. Rosette bursts loose with a proper evil chuckle. “The prophecy has been written! She will rise with The Wanderer as her soldier and together they will release the Lord of Darkness.” She cackles again. “The Dark Lord rises from Hel. He will be here any minute.” Rainer glances over at the bonfire. The guy’s giving the definition of “laid back” a whole new line item. “Hell, hell?” Bo asks, shocked. “No, the mirror of Valhalla,” Rainer clarifies. “H-E-L. You betrayed me, you bitch,” he snarls at Rosette. She sneers at him. Bring it, Wanderer. “All those years by my side—a ruse. You will pay!” Rosette denies this. “He will protect me. He promised me everything. Everlasting life. Power of my own! He will be here.” She shifts in place as nothing continues to happen. “The prophecy said he would come!” Bo snarkily wonders where he is then.
The bonfire flares. A powerful force drags Rosette toward it. She goes screaming all the way in denial even as the Dark Lord forces her into the fire. “It was all for you,” she screams. Bo and Rainer watch her ignite and do nothing. Suddenly, as one, their glowing hand tattoos painfully spring to life. “Oh God, Rainer,” Bo gasps. “What have we done?!”
Back at the Spiritual Center, a light springs out from the top of the ziggurat. The flames on the pillars turn to blue fire and the rocks baring the entrance blow open. Daddy’s home.
Next week: Season 4 Finale, “Dark Horse”