We're delighted to once again bring you recaps of Lost Girl, now airing its fourth season in the United States. Don't forget to check into all our Lost Girl coverage, but be warned there are discussion posts for later episodes (we've been talking about the show as it airs in Canada) that contain SPOILERS. Thanks, and please weigh in with your comments!
This post contains spoilers for all aired episodes of Lost Girl, including last night’s 4x08, “Groundhog Fae.”
It’s a hot day in Faeville when, at a petrol station, Bo washes the succumobile like she’s Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video. Better idea would be to put the top up before hosing down the convertible. Bo’s wearing a loose white tank top that’s cut low on the sides, but cinches at the waist with a black lace bra underneath. “Coming for You, Baby” by Jay Price plays on the soundtrack. Oh my God, there’s something happened to me; I can feel a change is gonna be; now baby watch your step cause I’m in love. 'Cause you once said that you don’t understand the way one man can be so in demand, you’d better watch your back 'cause I’m in love. At one point, Bo stalks down the side of the succumobile to siphon down the tires. I like that shot as it’s full of her natural attitude and virtually Kitaen-esque free. Doctor Lauren stops in her tracks, stupefied by Bo’s soaked down, pin-up display. The doc’s ice cream cone drips over her hand unnoticed because that’s not a heavy-handed metaphor.
Behind Doctor Lauren, Dyson comes out of the convenience store, beer in hand, because what this BizzaroFae moment needs is Dyson and Doctor Lauren in a bonding moment. “Hey doc, what do you think about the–” Without looking away from Bo, Doctor Lauren holds up one hand to stop him. Dyson stops mid-sentence as he catches glimpse of the Bo Kitaen show just as she straddles the hood of the succumobile and squeezes soap and water down her chest. Bo stretches out over the hood, tosses her hair over her shoulder, and shoots him a broad come-hither smile.
“Whoa,” Dyson says. “Should we help her?” he asks after a moment. His head tilts toward the doc but not so much that he takes his stunned gaze from Bo. “No,” Doctor Lauren quickly objects, also without taking her eyes from the scene. “No, it’s good for us. I mean her,” she corrects as Dyson’s brows pop up—it is that—and he takes a slug from his beer can as if needing the moisture to wet his suddenly dried up mouth. “I mean, I think it’s therapeutic,” she adds.
In a tie and jacket but sans hat, Hale joins them, filling the space between them. “How many failed missions does this make?” he asks taking in Bo’s show with considerably less loss of brain cells. “Girl really wants that Hel shoe,” Dyson drawls. Hale shoots him a look of amused disgust—man, come on. He snaps his fingers on the outside of Dyson and Doctor Lauren’s heads next to their respective ears. Dyson visibly jerks as though being snapped out of a trance. He frowns, looks at Bo, and tilts his head as if puzzled. Huh. What was I doing again? Doctor Lauren…blinks as she too comes back to herself and notices the dripping cone in her hand. How’d that get there?
Crouched in front of the succumobile’s front grill, Bo efficiently siphons off the last of the debris. “Goodbye UnderFae guts,” she declares with satisfaction. “Hello brewkies.” Her matter-of-fact delivery gives credence to the idea that Doctor Lauren saw Bo washing the car and got sucked into her own fantasy, pulling Dyson along with her when he showed up. It may also have been a side effect of her succubus pheromones or something, though Hale seemed to remain unscathed. Eh, whatever. It was cheap exploitation any way you look at it and I’m just glad it’s over. Bo bounces up and takes no note of Doctor Lauren still gawping at her with the ice cream still melting in hand, Dyson stands at rest next to the doc, thumb hooked in his jean pocket, beer in hand, fixated on Bo. Behind them, Hale pays Bo no attention and checks out his phone. Heh. Shading her eyes, Bo shouts at the store asking who to pay for gas. In the back of the shop, an old mechanic leans over the opened hood of a sedan. He shouts back for Bo to leave the money on the counter, “We trust ya!” Ah, Canada. A younger, smaller mechanic appears in the foreground. He crosses in front of the sedan to crouch before a toolbox. Inside the store, a suited extra chooses a sugar-covered jelly from a candy dish on the counter that’s surrounded by candles. Bo stalks into the store and past Doctor Lauren and Dyson who crane their necks to follow her passage, each wearing anticipatory smiles. “I got a good feeling about tonight,” Hale chortles. “Me too,” Doctor Lauren and Dyson say simultaneously. They exchange a somewhat friendly “game on” look. Wait, how can the doc be anticipating any sexy times with Bo when she’s made it perfectly clear multiple times that she’s not interested in rekindling her relationship with Bo? What is she doing there in the first place again? Ow, my brain hurts. Doccubus plot hole drink! Careful with those. These days they’ll get you drunk before the end of a cold open.
In the shop, Bo pulls
soaking wet money out of her bra strap and tosses it on the counter. Suited Man yawns just as the mechanics in the back room goose the auto drill, which makes it looks as though the sound comes from Suited Man’s mouth. Heh. Bo smiles at him and her gaze falls on the gumdrops. She snatches one up and heads back out to rejoin the others.
Hale and Dyson are trading stories about how big a deal Yule was when they were young Fae. “We used to stay up all night hiding from Krampus,” Hale fanboys. Doctor Lauren smiles as she wipes ice cream from her hands. Dyson even remembers the rhyme they used to say to ward off Krampus. So Young Hale eagerly waited for Krampus and Young Dyson chanted to keep him away? Oh-kay. They each cross their wrists to form a warding symbol and recite it together. “Beast of burden. Fool’s delight. Spare me on this Yuletide night!” They laugh as Bo joins them. “Course back then Krampus would actually beat you with a stick before he threw you into a sack,” Dyson adds, still grinning. Good times. “If I may Kenzi in her absence, who’s got cramp ass?” Bo asks. Heh. And yeah, why is Doctor Lauren there instead of Kenzi? Ow. “Kram-pus,” Hale sounds out for her. “He’s like your Santa Claus only the complete opposite.” The doc adds that one difference is that Krampus slides down the chimney on the hottest night of the year. “Mmm, sounds like my kind of elf,” Bo quips. She opens her palm to display the gumdrop. “Whoa whoa,” Dyson says playfully. “Are those Yule candies for Krampus? You’re gonna be on his naughty list.” Honey, you are my naughty list. “Oh bitch, I am the naughty list,” Bo snarks. Close enough. She pops the candy in her mouth and heads back to the succumobile. Hale follows. Dyson takes another swig from his beer can and tracks Bo. “Can’t argue with that,” Doctor Lauren says to him in an aside. Dyson: “Nope.”
Bo yawns and hands the keys to Hale as she complains of being tired. Re-enacting a Whitesnake video will do that to you. She opens the passenger door to climb into the back seat muttering, “I gotta get outta these wet clothes.” Dyson and Doctor Lauren exchange glances. Both move at the same time to take the seat next to Bo, which only wedges them both in the open car door. Dyson smirks. After a pause, Doctor Lauren deliberately moves his bent knee aside like pushing open a swinging gate. “After you,” he quips as she smugly climbs into the back seat. He smacks the seat back into position, which has the added benefit of slamming it back into the doc’s knees. “Ow,” she says pointedly followed by a genuine laugh. Grinning, Dyson gets in the car as Bo does a drum roll on Hale’s seat in her eagerness to get going. Look, Kris Holden-Ried and Zoie Palmer are always gold when given a chance to work together, but how can you have a friendly rivalry between potential lovers when one candidate has repeatedly removed herself from contention? Eh, whatever.
While “love triangle” shenanigans happen out front, in the back Young Man Mechanic shoves a struggling Suited Man under the opened hood of the sedan and down into whatever nefarious bowels await him. Old Man Mechanic gives Younger Man Mechanic two thumbs up (heh) and shuts the hood. With a gummy smile, Old Man Mechanic puts his hands in his pockets and looks after the departing succumobile with anticipation. Behind him, Younger Man Mechanic follows his gaze and rubs his hands together with maniacal glee. MWAH HA HA!!
At Hilton Hovel, Kenzi decorates for Yule as Trick reads out loud from a book about Krampus. Trick is reading from a book! Out loud! Will the Yuletide surprises never end?! “The Lord of Yule; the Son of Hel.” Son of Hel? Say, does he have a spare Hel shoe lying around? “To him our secrets we must tell lest Krampus…” Kenzi’s groan cuts him off. “Okay enough Stephanie Meyer.” Sigh. “How ‘bout you get off your Kringle and help me put up some tinsel since Summer Christmas was your idea.” She gets up to add her crafty ornament to the already festooned Christmas tree. Trick shuts the book with an audible snap and ponderously insists that Yule is a sacred celebration of contrition, “not some…Franken-holiday concocted to sell melon ballers!” Kenzi points out that Trick has Rudolph on his sweater. “It’s Eikpyrnir, the stag,” he contests, mildly insulted. “He has a red nose! It’s Rudolph,” Kenzi shoots back not without affection.
Side by side, Dyson and Doctor Lauren stroll into Hilton Hovel noticeably Bo-free. “Welcome to Santa’s Workshop. Ni hao,” Kenzi greets them. Both smile fondly at her. “How are my favorite nutcrackers?” she asks, raising a hand to each for a high-five. Dyson connects with a solid smack; Doctor Lauren misses with epic if unnoted levels of awkward. Hee. I love those throwaway moments. Dyson says they’re tired and hit another dead end. “Actually, it was an ogre,” he adds as an afterthought. He and the doc amble over to the bar stools. “Who knew finding a magical Hel shoe would be quite so difficult?” the doc quips wearily. Considering the last time Dyson saw Angel, the shifter to whom he gave the missing hell shoe, she was in 1899 Paris and you all are looking around the outskirts of modern day Faeronto, I’m gonna go with “pretty much everyone.” Dyson’s been glancing around the decorated Hilton Hovel. “Place looks great, K-Star,” he compliments as he straddles the stool next to the doc. Kenzi thanks him and asks after Hale’s location.
“Who’s Hale?” the man himself asks in a creepy voice. Hale slinks into Hilton Hovel wearing stag horns on his head with a bag of candy in hand. Dude really likes Yule. “I’m Krampus; get in my sack,” he growls at Kenzi and, THANK KRAMPUS, he holds up the large bag of candy so she knows to what sack he refers. “Oh, buy a girl a drink first, horny,” Kenzi flirts as she fondles Hale’s horns. And I do mean horns. Hale chuckles and they kiss. Filling up at the punch bowl, Dyson and Doctor Lauren glance over at the lovebirds and stop like they’re trying to reconcile Kenzi and Hale as lovers after four years of sidekick solidarity. Coming up for air, Hale tells her the place looks great and that she must’ve had her hands full. “Not as full as they’re gonna be,” Kenzi whispers. They kiss again only this time, Doctor Lauren rudely clears her throat. For his part, it’s Dyson’s turn to affect the really dude? expression as his best friend essentially macks on his younger sister in front of him. Chagrined nonetheless, Kenzi breaks free and she and Hale join the doc and Dyson as Kenzi lays out everyone’s marching orders. “BoBo has been very stressed out lately so we want to show her a good time so I don’t want to see any fa la la la lazy-assed partying tonight. Got it?!” Dyson nods. “Full-on partying. Got it,” he agrees in a decidedly not-party hearty tone. Doctor Lauren agrees. “We have to show Bo that we still love her.” Kenzi agrees. “Yes that even though she’s Dark…” Hale: “…And suffering from Wanderer PTSD…” Dyson: “…That we are here for her.” The doc smiles at Dyson at this. “That she is not alone,” Kenzi emphasizes, wrapping up the round robin. Dyson holds up his red Solo cup and they all put theirs in. “
Break Here Here,” Kenzi concludes.
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. Despite Hale, Doctor Lauren, and Dyson all being in the exact same clothes as they wore at the petrol station, indicating they all did just arrive back at Hilton Hovel, Bo has managed to not only get dried off, but completely change into party clothes. Now that’s a supernatural quick change! She tastes something foul in her mouth— that’s what you get for drinking gas station beer—and sleepily wonders how long she’s been out. When no one replies, she rouses fully with the realization that they all left her alone in the succumobile. “And I’m talking to myself,” she realizes wryly. “Perfect.” Hey, sometimes that’s the only way to have an intelligent conversation. More than half way on her way to being pissed, she climbs out of the car and stalks into Hilton Hovel, barely dodging a guy in a pink polo shirt and a woman in a red dress making out hot and heavy in the hallway.
The Yule party is in full swing but, with the exception of Bruce in a toga—Hi Bruce! —no one familiar is in the room. A bit put out there’s no fanfare for her entrance, Bo watches a random guy toss a volleyball at another couple making out and then join a busty blonde in a lime-green partially shredded top and Toga Bruce who’s sucking on a beer hose. Bruce spits beer onto the floor to the gales of laughter from blondie. Bo moves to join them but is intercepted by Choga— “S’up s’up?” —who’s got the cure for whatever disease Bo may be sporting and likes to talk about himself in the third person. “Cash only, but uh, for you, Choga work something out.” Choga’s about to work his hand out of his throat if Bo’s expression is anything to go by. “What is a Choga?” she asks. Choga can’t believe Bo doesn’t know him given he’s all side to side up and down the dial. Yo. “You want to ride the dragon or what?” Bo: “Was any of that English?” Word. Choga demonstrates his particular blend by taking a long lick of his own arm. “Mmm. You ain’t never had a high so fly, girl,” he promises. Unimpressed, Toga Bruce shoves Choga out of the way. “Let’s not bother the nice lady,” he orders. “Hi Bo. Happy Yule.” Bo smiles with genuine affection. “Thank you, Bruce.” Choga sticks his head around the side of Bruce. “Armpits is half-price!” Snort. “Now I’m tasting vomit and I just got here,” Bo sneers as she stalks off. Choga: “Yeah Choga can work around that.” Heh. Vex’s voice calls out from off screen. “Oi Choga! Give us a lick!”
Upstairs in Bo’s bedroom, Dyson swigs from a beer bottle and unhappily contemplates the opened wooden box Doctor Lauren has brought with her. Not like that! “Is that what I think it is?” The doc expositions that it arrived addressed to the Dark Archives in care of Bo in Bo’s handwriting, “and not only did I not tell her about it, I kind of opened it.” Dyson can see that. He shuts the box and tells Doctor Lauren they can’t give the box to Bo. “Says you,” Doctor Lauren sneers. Hey, you’re the one hiding it from her, missy. At that moment, Bo bursts into the room with a gasp. In tandem, Dyson and Doctor Lauren spin around and sit down on the foot of the bed, handily blocking Bo’s view of the box. Dyson: “Whoa! Hey!” Doctor Lauren: “Hey!” Bo: “You guys scared the chi outta me.” Dyson and Doctor Lauren again respond simultaneously Dyson: “Sorry.” Doctor Lauren nods. “Dyson’s fault.” Dyson side-eyes the doc with a raised brow, but nods. Great, more pot shots at Dyson. Nifty.
Bo wants to know the deal with the party downstairs. “Did everyone lick Choga?” Dyson tells her to ask Vex as Choga came with him while Doctor Lauren hums in rare agreement. “And thank you for feeding my growing abandonment issues by leaving me alone in the car,” Bo whines. You’re the one who keeps running out on everyone, not the other way around, chippie. Vex takes that moment to stumble into the room, hilariously wearing Bo’s righteous purple corset from episode 4 only the costume people have spared him the freaking hip waders they added when Bo wore it. Look how much better it looks without them, even on Vex! “At least you have two hands!” he drunkenly yells in Bo’s face, apropos of nothing. He holds up his bandaged right arm sans hands and it looks like he’s strapped some kind of autumnal lantern on his stump. “I mean, I’ve only got one and forty more of these to drink!” Clutched in his remaining hand is a bottle of Dark Belch. So I guess Evony supplied the party drinks?
Bo grabs Vex up by the cleavage. “Is this my corset?” she mutters. This is such a missed opportunity for some Fae gossip mag “Who wore it better?” contest. “You can’t own possessions!” Vex trills. Taking advantage of Bo’s distraction, Dyson fidgets on the bed to glance over his shoulder at the Box of Mystery while Doctor Lauren shoots him a quelling look. Guess Doctor Lauren isn’t quite so keen to give it to Bo after all. Annoyed again, Bo stalks out of the room shouting for Kenzi. Dyson side glances at the doc again and then shrugs. Okay. Let’s tell her. “Bo!” he calls after her but is immediately muffled as Doctor Lauren slaps her hand over his mouth and keeps it there until she’s sure Bo is out of range. So now they’re switched intentions as Dyson wants to tell Bo about the Magic Box of Mystery while Doctor Lauren now doesn’t. Dyson’s expression is hilarious and I swear he’s thinking what’s up, doc? A curious Vex swigs from his bottle and watches them both. Hand still in place, the doc tugs Dyson’s face toward hers. “We’re gonna need more booze,” she quietly orders. Vex points his lantern hand at them. “Agreed.” Holy shit, I actually am in total agreement with Doctor Lauren. It really is Fae Christmas! The doc releases Dyson and, again in tandem, they both lift their bottles and Drink! Looks like the doc stashed hers in a leg pocket of her cargo pants, a practicality of which I approve. Krampus, I must have a fever.
Upstairs, Hale and Kenzi are making out. Something brings Kenzi up for air. “My Kenzi sense is tingling.” Hale: “Damn girl, lemme catch up.” Heh. With a smile, Kenzi decides it was probably just gas. “Yeah, sexy gas,” Hale says. “Daddy’s gonna fill your tank,” which effectively finishes ruining the moment. Kenzi recoils. “Excuse me?” Realizing he’s missed a step, Hale tells her to ignore that. “I’ll get it better next time.”
Downstairs, Bo stalks up to the food table, bitching about how Kenzi dared to lock her door. “She’s never been with a Fae before,” she says to the old man on the other side of the table as she loads up a plate. He just happens to be the same mechanic from the petrol station. I’m sure that has no meaning whatsoever. “And Hale better behave himself,” Bo goes on. “But still can you believe she still hasn’t even come down to check on me?” Why would Kenzi do that again, you-who-is-so-quick-to-tell-everyone-you-can-take-care-of-yourself? Oh right, because everything is always all about you. Forgot there for a minute. The old man lets her ramble on. “Oh, and speaking of inconsiderate? Hello (Doctor) Lauren. Dyson. The new Wonder Twins? Am I right?” I would totally watch that show. “If you can’t beat ‘em…” the man says nonplussed. Bo trips over the unfinished cliché. “Join ‘em? I can’t even get them to notice I was missing. Again!” You were in the car; it’s not like they didn’t know where to find you. The old man advises that Yule is the perfect occasion during which to confront one’s fears. Bo scoffs at the idea that she’s afraid of anything as the old man slips on a pair of Groucho Marx glasses. “Okay, so maybe I’m running out of excuses to not get back on that train, but…why am I even telling you all this? Who are you?” He tells her sometimes the answers are staring “us” in the face. “Hilarious,” Bo sneers. “Always kills at the orphanage,” he returns and then strolls off cackling at his own joke.
Tamsin, in a red and black leather jacket to die for, crosses the room to Bo’s side. “Bo?!” she calls, ducking without looking as the volleyball sails over her head. “You’re here!” There’s a lot of relief in her voice. “Tamsin!” Bo exclaims. But Tamsin puts one long finger against Bo’s lips and shakes her head. “I’m so sorry,” she says and then smiles before laying a huge kiss on Bo. “What was that for?” Bo asks when they disconnect. “Doesn’t matter,” Tamsin sighs. “You’re not gonna remember any of this in about two seconds.” Immediately, the lights flicker. The volleyball sails back across the room to crash into a stack of empty, plastic champagne glasses. Choga and a Pink Polo shout “OPA!”
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. She looks around. “What the eff?!” Seriously pissed, she climbs out of the car and stalks into Hilton Hovel, barely dodging a guy in a pink polo shirt and a woman in a red dress making out hot and heavy in the hallway. The Yule party is in full swing but, with the exception of Bruce in a toga—Hi Bruce! —no one familiar is in the room. Puzzled, Bo watches a random guy toss a volleyball at another couple making out and then join a busty blonde in a lime-green partially shredded top and Toga Bruce who’s sucking on a beer hose. Bruce spits beer onto the floor to the gales of laughter from blondie. Bo moves to join them but is intercepted by Choga—“S’up s’up?”—who’s got the cure for whatever disease Bo may be sporting and likes to talk about himself in the third person.
Anybody else got a strong case of déjà vu?
“Seriously, what the hell did you slip me?” Bo accuses Choga. Choga sucks on his teeth and drawls that Bo knows Choga is all side to side up and down the dial. Yo. “You want to ride the dragon or what?” A bit shaken, Bo tells him they already did all of this. “Nah, Choga never forgets a tongue, girl.” Creepizoid. Toga Bruce shoves Choga out of the way. “Let’s not bother the nice lady,” he orders. “Hi Bo. Happy Yule.” Choga sticks his head around the side of Bruce. “Armpits is half-price!” Bo cautiously thanks Bruce…again. Keeping a wary eye on Choga, she moves through the room. Bruce ambles off past a retaining wall against which appears a man concealed chameleon-like by blending into the leafy wallpaper and it’s the smaller man from the petrol station.
Tamsin, in a red and black leather jacket to die for, strolls across the room to where Bo is at the table loading up a plate. “Yo Valkyrie lips! What was that?!” Bo demands without preamble. “You actually remember?!” Tamsin replies, ducking without looking as the volleyball sails over her head. Behind her, a Hot Young Thing tracks her with interest. “I’m not alone! I can’t believe this!” Bo orders her to explain what’s going on. Tamsin clasps her shoulder and sighs. “In about three seconds, Fugly over there calls Brunette by the wrong name.” On cue, Pink Polo tells “Christie” that she’s totally hot. She slaps his face. “That’s not my name.” Pink Polo sighs. “Oh. Carrie.” She slaps him again. “It’s Jeanette.” Pink Polo shakes his head. “I was way off.” Heh.
Tamsin takes up narration again. “Lady Roids (aka Busty Blonde) makes it about two more sips before…” The Lady Roid in question sucks on the end of the beer hose while others chant “Chug! Chug!” and then let’s out an enormous belch. Tamsin smirks. “Fire in the hole.” Bo moans that she can smell the belch from there. “She’s a Sasquatch,” Tamsin says with a roll of her eyes. “She probably ate like a hundred kittens. And duck.” Before Bo can react, the volleyball smacks her in the face. I kinda enjoyed that, I won’t lie. “I said duck!” Tamsin chides. “How long have you been doing Groundhog Day?” Bo grits out between her teeth. “And haven’t you tried telling anyone?!” Tamsin gets a wondrous looks on her face. “Like, oh my gosh! I didn’t even think about that like a hundred times.” She grabs Pink Polo as he walks by. “Hey! You! I know this is gonna sound crazy but we are stuck in some sort of quantum paradox and the same night keeps repeating over and over again!” Random guy laughs in her face. “Yule fools!” Tamsin: “Thanks asshat. And good luck with that rash.” Heh. Pink Polo stops laughing. “What?” Tamsin squeezes his cheeks together with one hand. “You’ll find out.”
Serious again, she tells Bo that no matter who she tells about Groundhog Fae, she gets the same reaction. “Nothing…until you and I kissed.” Both women think about that for a moment and then, with a murmur and a shrug—why not?—they kiss again. Afterwards both women glance around their unchanged circumstances. “Nada!” Bo notes with frustration. “Speak for yourself,” Tamsin replies softly, visibly affected. Bo takes in her meaning as Tamsin shakes it off. “Anyway. Maybe you need to do it with someone you have a connection with. Have you talked to (Doctor) Lauren or Dyson…” Bo cuts her off to bitch again about how both her lovers left her in the car alone. “Besides, I already went upstairs and they’re being weird with Vex.” Now that sounds like a good time! “And Kenzi hasn’t even come to check on me!” Oh no! THE HORROR! Tamsin chuckles. “Please. That girl’s stuck from Hale to Eternity.” Oh I like that one! She grimaces that for them it’s just party as usual anyway. “They are not stuck in the loop.” She nods at Bo. “Say ‘opa’.” Bo: “What?” Tamsin counts them down: “Three…two…one…” Immediately, the lights flicker. The volleyball sails back across the room to crash into a stack of empty, plastic champagne glasses. Choga and Pink Polo shout “OPA!”
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. “Cause this song just gets better and better.” Increasingly pissed, she climbs out of the car and stalks into Hilton Hovel, barely dodging a guy in a pink polo shirt and a woman in a red dress making out hot and heavy in the hallway. This time she’s pushes between them. “He is getting a rash.” She gestures toward Pink Polo’s groin. “Everywhere.” The Yule party is in full swing but this time is noticeably Bruce-free as a random guy tosses a volleyball at another couple making out and then joins Lady Roid at the beer hose. Choga arrives—“S’up s’up?” Bo calls for Bruce and then again with concern when she doesn’t see him anywhere. “Yo, whatchyou callin’ that meat mountain for?” Choga asks, annoyed. “He can’t fill your prescription.” Patience gone, Bo clocks Choga with a right hook that drops him to the ground. Closed captions read “thwack!” Heh. Bo glances up the back stairs and then joins a now-waiting Tamsin. “You know what? Screw it. I am calling time out on Hel shoes, on being Dark, all of it. Everyone here is having fun. Now it is my turn. Starting with him,” she finishes, pointing to the same Hot Young Thing who previously tracked Tamsin. “Oh yeah,” Tamsin sighs unimpressed. “I got to him about fifteen repeats ago.” Bo decides that settles it. “Time to get our Yule on.” As one, they lean back to dodge the incoming volleyball.
Cut to Bo arm-wrestling Lady Roid to the shouts and calls of a wild crowd. Bo wins and she and Tamsin gleefully collect money from the bystanders. Next the “Chug! Chug!” calls come as Tamsin lifts up a Costco-sized can of Dark Belch and opens the spigot to pour straight into her mouth. Hilariously, Choga, Pink Polo, and Jeanette all crowd around Bo. Waste not extras, want not extras. OPA and reset and Bo grabs up Tamsin and they start making out to the delighted catcalls of the crowd. “Here in front of everybody?” Tamsin asks. “Oh they won’t remember,” Bo gibes as she pulls Tamsin’s jacket off. Behind them, Pink Polo and Jeanette huddle together as they get turned on by the show. “Besides, tell me this wasn’t on your list.” They kiss again as the crowd applauds. Closed captions say “everyone cheers.” Choga purses his lips and goes bug-eyed. Pink Polo and Jeannette high five. Snort.
Upstairs in Bo’s bedroom, Vex preens in front of her mirror wearing her corset as Dyson sets down the rules for the annual Yule drinking game. “We shall drink to decide whether or not we tell Bo about the box. Agreed?” Doctor Lauren lifts her shot glass and agrees. Dyson calls for a listing of the pros. “Well, Bo is always very big on the truth,” Doctor Lauren points out though she neglects to add how Bo conveniently forgets to hold herself to such standards. Dyson nods, “true,” and they both drink! The bottle Dyson has reads Black 25 and there are already four used glasses set before the box, presumably two from each of them. “Cons,” Doctor Lauren prompts, grimacing. “Cons,” Dyson repeats. “We may lose Bo to the big locomotive in the sky forever.”
“Well, as someone who knows Bo beyond her rack size and underwear line…” Doctor Lauren says almost slurring her words. “Ooh burn,” Vex drawls, with appreciation. Dyson lets the doc’s jealous bitchiness sail by with only an arched, amused look for her and Vex. No need to counter what the whole world knows is patently untrue. “I think the best course of action is caution, because although I love her you know she is sometimes a very sexy bull in a china shop.”
Sail by, but not go unanswered. “Well, as someone who sacrificed his love to save Bo’s life…” Dyson pointedly emphasizes. “Oh, wow, God, really? Boring!” Doctor Lauren drunkenly scoffs. “Hi!” Vex chimes in with sarcastic agreement. Oh, so we’re just openly channeling all the fandoms at this point. Okey doke then. “Rather than lying to her countless times,” Dyson continues, undaunted, now deliberately addressing the doc. “Wow,” she says, smiling nonetheless. “Wow!” “Mmm hmm,” Dyson murmurs with his own goofy charm. Two can play this game, doc. “Amazing,” Vex mutters, unnoticed as he now leans against the bed post. I love a good Kris Holden-Ried/Zoie Palmer scene as much as the next person and a little Paul Amos seasoning just makes it all the more tasty. “Let me just say that I’ve learned that Bo can handle herself and it is never a good idea to get in the way of Bo’s destiny,” Dyson concludes. He smacks his hand down on the box so there’s no doubt to which destiny he refers. It does keep changing after all. Doctor Lauren smiles agreement as Vex hops up on the bed behind them. “Oh, should I tell Bo?” he sneers into Dyson’s face. “Bo doesn’t love me,” he mocks to Doctor Lauren in a falsetto. “Come on! Let’s figure out what to do with the mystery package! And settle the enigma of the most boring threesome ever once and for all!” Oh my gawd, PREACH IT, VEX! Dyson frowns and jerks his head. Boring? Yes, darling, it got old and tired and beyond ridiculous right around the beginning of season three.
Vex decides that Dyson and Doctor Lauren will present their cases to him, “and I shall deliberate.” Dyson glances over at Doctor Lauren. “What do you think?” The doc nods. “I probably think the opposite of whatever you think.” Dyson: “Granted. But you realize we’re about to listen to Vex, right?” Doctor Lauren allows that Vex is sorta kinda Bo’s pet now. “Come now,” Vex cajoles, patting their respective backs. “Come to Team Vex where ye shall be judged most worthy of Bo’s box.” He falls back onto the pillows and lands his lantern hand on his crotch so there’s no mistaking his double-meaning (as if we could). Dyson and Doctor Lauren look from him to each other. Honestly, I think Kris Holden-Ried and Zoie Palmer are just trying not to totally crack up.
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. This time she smiles, probably still musing on the sexy Tamsin times. “Round and round we go, where she stops nobody knows.”
Tamsin and Bo sit on the couch before the Yule log on the flat screen. Heh. Bo tells her how bummed Kenzi was when Tamsin left. “Yeah, I just needed to find my kind,” Tamsin allows. “Other Valkyries. Find myself, if you will.” Guess she had her own Eat, Pray, Valkyrie tour. Bo gently wonders if Tamsin succeeded and Tamsin admits she has a lot for which to amend. “Who doesn’t?” Bo teases and Tamsin laughs and relaxes. “Happy Yule, Valkyrie,” Bo offers and they clink bottles. She glances past Tamsin’s shoulder just as the chameleon guy reaches out from the wallpaper and grabs the arm of Hot Young Thing. “Bo, there’s something I need to talk to you about,” Tamsin begins, but then immediately catches onto Bo’s alarm and turns in time to see Chameleon absorb Hot Young Thing into the wall will with a ripple of the air. “Well, that’s new. And definitely bad.” Ya think? Bo gapes at the now empty space. “Opa?” Heh.
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. “Holy shit!” She scrambles out of the car to go find Tamsin and figure out what the hell just happened, barely dodging Pink Polo and Jeanette back making out in the hallways. “Good. Stick together,” she urges this time. Choga approaches—“S’up s’up? You got the disease, Choga got the–” Bo grabs him up by the shirt. “You think Mama Choga wanted you to leave the lily pad to become a sweat peddler?! Huh?!” Choga goes wide-eyed as Bo smacks him on the chest. “You’re better than this! And stay away from the walls,” she orders. Tamsin meets her in the middle of the room and says she’s looked everywhere, “but great-hair McCutie is gone.” Bo thinks whatever took him has to have something to do with the time shifts but Tamsin’s afraid it has something to do with her, “because everything terrible ‘round here usually has something to do with me.” Not really, no. Bo tells her to chill. “Has anyone else gone missing since you’ve been here?” Tamsin doesn’t know since she figured everyone just got drunk and took off. Bo pings on the missing Bruce. “He was here, helping lift amphibian-arms out of my way and now he’s gone!” Tamsin points out that Bruce is, “like gamma-ray huge! What or who could’ve…” “Sucked him into the walls?!” Bo finishes. She orders Tamsin to tell her everything the Valkyrie can remember before she got to the party. “Did you piss off a wizard or something in one of your travels?” But Tamsin was remarkably pedestrian and took the 43 bus getting off at the petrol station where she picked up a pack of gum and came straight to Hilton Hovel. Bo decides they have to stop this thing before anyone else gets snatched and Tamsin is all for it if a little hazy on the how. “I don’t know!” Bo cries. “Normally in these situations I just ask…” “Trick!” the two women say together. Tamsin thinks Trickster should be easy to find. “He’s wearing one helluva sweater.”
Upstairs, Dyson is reminiscing about the first time he saw Bo. Hmmmm. Good times. “I knew she was special,” he muses while Doctor Lauren eyes him and Vex pops chips into his mouth. “And trouble,” he adds and Drink! “No argument here,” Doctor Lauren agrees for a change. “Mmm hmm,” Dyson murmurs, drinking the shot down. “Amen. But! If I hadn’t bean there to give her the old wolf-chi power up…” More than half on his way to being drunk off his ass, he adorably curves his hands into mock claws. “She wouldn’t have survived those trials.” This is too much truth for Doctor Lauren to let go unmocked. “Puh-leeze!” Dyson carries on unhindered by her scorn. “Hahaha, so in a way…I’m responsible for her still being here so I should get to choose what to do with her box—the box,” he corrects deliberately, patting the box in question. You should get both of Bo’s boxes, Wolfie, for sure.
“Objection!” Doctor Lauren shouts. Vex disagrees as the doc chugs down the rest of the Dark Belch bottle. “A point for trying to win, but minus a point for not noticing my jubblies in this bra.” “I’m not playing that game,” Dyson chides, pointing a finger at Vex. Vex throws a nut at him and it bounces off Dyson’s chest. I swear Kris Holden-Ried almost lost it there. Drunk Doctor Lauren tosses the now empty bottle of Dark Belch off the side of the bed. “When I first met Bo,” you violated you Hippocratic Oath and felt up your patient. Yes, we know. Oh, all right! “When I first met Bo, she didn’t even know her hole from an ass in the ground.” Snort. Drunk Doctor Lauren is kinda fun. “She was all like ‘I’m a killer! Get in my way and I’m gonna kill you! That’s what killers do!’ That’s right. And then I curbed her hunger and then she was like ‘maybe I’m okay, I’m not so bad.’ And I love her also, so I think that we should just throw the box in the fire. Voila. The doctor, thank you very much, rests.” Vex and Dyson are also highly entertained by Drunk Doctor Lauren.
Dyson rubs his face. “Ah! Bo get kidnapped by mysterious black smoke, sends herself an ominous package…why are we fighting about this?” Because Doctor Lauren lives to thwart you with Bo any way she can? What?! “I don’t know Dyson, I don’t know anything,” the doc drawls drunkenly. Dyson admits he doesn’t either. Mood effectively soured. “How is it that you can love somebody so much and…” “Keep lettin’ ‘em down?” Dyson fills in. They share a rare moment of connection. “Exactly,” the doc confirms. “Still working on that one too,” Dyson quietly admits. Quiet for a change, Vex merely watches them. Dyson snickers. “C’mere you,” he says, leaning over the bed toward the doc. Doctor Lauren starts to laugh incredulously. “C’mon, Doctor!” he drunkenly entreats. Doctor Lauren: “Hah!” Dyson: “Hug it out! Bean a long time. Give it to me,” he says, coaxing her with his hand. “Gimme some love. Gimme some love,” Doctor Lauren is laughing as she leans over the space between them to awkwardly hug Dyson who kisses her cheek. This is so totally the kind of goofy Zoie Palmer and Kris Holden-Ried are like together in real life, I wonder if it was ad-libbed in the moment. She pats his shoulder, “okay,” and Dyson fake laughs “Ha ha” as Vex throws nuts at them. “Oi! So? What does the genius get, you know, who organized this little kumbaya?” Doctor Lauren tells him he gets his hand re-attached, “by me. Right now.” Dyson likes this idea. “Drunken surgery,” he drawls with a newly-filled shot ready to go. He raises his hand. “I’ll be the nurse.” Don’t tease. Vex and Doctor Lauren are intrigued by the idea. “This is getting’ kinky,” Vex chortles.
Tamsin and Bo rush to Trick’s side…of the tub where he has passed out with his tie wrapped around his head. “Oh Trick! Trick, you have no idea how good it is to see you,” Bo cries. “You can’t prove I did that,” he mumbles without opening his eyes. Tamsin and Bo hoist him up to stand in the tub. Trick asks how long he’s been out, but Bo wants to know what the last thing is that Trick remembers. “I was helping Kenzi with the decorations and the doorbell kept ringing and something about…OPRAH!” Heh. Tamsin rolls her eyes. Trick looks at her and grins. “You’re pretty.” Tamsin laughs awkwardly and then drops the smile to mouth juice him to Bo. Grasping Trick’s shoulders, Bo entreats him to believe her no matter how outrageous what she says sounds. “Of course,” Trick slurs. “You’re my grand-dubus. My succu-daughter.” HA! Bo rolls with it and tells Trick how they’re stuck in some sort of time loop. “Time keeps repeating.” Trick announces that he needs water. Tamsin sniffs a wayward can of Dark Belch and then holds it out to Trick. “Mmm!” Bo natters on about how it gets worse since people are now disappearing as Trick snickers and drinks the Dark Belch. “One we know for sure but there could be more. We really need your help before…” A crash sounds from downstairs followed by shouts of “OPA!”
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. “Oh I hope Kenzi’s having better luck that I am.”
Upstairs, Hale and Kenzi are making out. Something brings Kenzi up for air. “My Kenzi sense is tingling.” Hale: “I’m gonna mingle with your tingle like I’m single, girl,” which effectively finishes ruining the moment. Kenzi recoils. “Say what now?”
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. “It does not smell amazing in here.” That would probably be leftover ogre. She scrambles out of the car.
Upstairs, Hale and Kenzi are making out. Something brings Kenzi up for air. “My Kenzi sense is tingling.” Hale: “I feel it too. It’s like a burning sensation,” which effectively finishes ruining the mood. Kenzi recoils. “Huh?”
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. Bewildered, she holds up a pair of panties. “These aren’t mine!” She tosses them out the back and scrambles out of the car. Upstairs, Hale and Kenzi are making out. Something brings Kenzi up for air. “My Kenzi sense is tingling.” Hale: “That’s just my love train, pulling into your tunnel of…love,” which effectively finishes ruining the mood. Kenzi smacks him across the face.
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. “Dammit!” She scrambles out of the car.
Upstairs, Kenzi kisses Hale’s neck as he reads from a book of poetry he’s holding up behind her shoulder. “I would have died a thousand deaths just to meet you, yet now that I have, I want to live forever.” FINALLY he got it right! I was beginning to seriously doubt his playa skillz. Kenzi comes up for air. “Awww Hale!” Hale smiles that beautiful smile of his. “That’s the one.” “That’s the one?” Kenzi repeats off-hand as she lifts a box from the night stand. Hale just hmms. “OK, a little first-time-with-a-Fae-box from Bo.” Hale eyes the long strip of colorful condoms Kenzi pulls out for the box. “That’s…prepared.” Kenzi reads out loud from the menu. “We got edible, non-edible, fat-free, firm, fire-proof, fig-flavored, and…” Hale checks his watches and Kenzi pauses. I think you lost him at “fire-proof.” Also, did Bo only shop in the “F” section? Wait. I take that back. Of course she did. “Look if you don’t wanna do this,” she offers, packing away the party favors but Hale hurries to reassure her he does. “Believe me I do.” He sighs heavily. “Kenzi and Hale, take sixty-seven.” He shifts as though bracing himself then leans forward toward Kenzi, eyes closed, lips pursed. Kenzi, however, has her Kenzi senses tingling now.
Bo rushes back into the bathroom where Trick is again passed out in the tub. “Ninth time’s the charm. C’mon Trick! Concentrate!” Trick: “You can’t prove I did that!” Bo goes for the crib notes version. “Okay, we’re in a time loop. The walls are eating people. Help!” This finally rouses Trick. “Oh this—this is bad.” Bo asks for a threat-level assessment. “Una Mens bad? Smoke-nappers bad? SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER BAD?! What!?” Trick laughs in her face. “Yule fools!” Tamsin has had enough. “He’s useless to us!” Trick grins at her drunkenly. “You’re pretty.” “I know!” Tamsin shouts, for the ninth time. Bo admits that Trick’s been useless for a while now. “Look, I’ve been wanting to say this for a while. I know that you haven’t helped me find The Wanderer. Why?” Trick confesses it’s because he’s terrified. “What aren’t you telling me?” Bo quietly asks. Tamsin motions for her to hurry it up. “I don’t mean to rush you, but…” A crash sounds from downstairs followed by shouts of “OPA!”
The radio in the succumobile crackles to life. Don’t forget about me this Christmas… Bo is asleep in the back seat but jerks awake when the radio turns on. “Oh dammit, Trick!” This time, she wearily sits up and thinks first. “Who else knows about…Yule?” A crafty look comes over her and she scrambles from the car. Bo and Tamsin pound up the stairs to Kenzi’s Attic. Hale sits alone on the edge of the bed. “Hale! Something is going on. We’re in danger. It could be the Una Mens!” Tamsin wearily reminds Bo that they’ve tried this already and nobody is taking them seriously. “Nah, Una Mens ain’t dumb enough to cause trouble on Yule,” Hale says dismissively. “Hell, they’re probably off playing kissy face under the mistletoe. Please don’t tell them I said that,” he hurries to add. Heh. Bo thinks no matter who’s after them, they need all hands on deck. “Where’s Kenzi?” Hale sighs that Kenzi is off freshening up…again. “Opa,” he scoffs.
Bo and Tamsin ping on Hale’s opatude. “Comet, Cupid, and Blizten! You know about the loop?!” Bo accuses, swatting Hale on the shoulder for good measure. “You’re in on it?!” Tamsin adds. Hale cringes a little and then tries to laugh it off. “Krampus got both of you too? Ah man, he’s got skillz.” Tamsin realizes the entire thing is basically a holiday prank. “Seriously? Krampus? You mean that anti-Claus Fae you guys were talking about?” Hale explains that every year Krampus picks a few Yule fools to repeat the night and waves it off as totally harmless. “Harmless? We just saw some guy get sucked into the wallpaper!” Bo exclaims. This surprises Hale. “No, Krampus feeds on regret. That’s why he puts people in the loop; sooner or later they’ll get into all kinds of trouble.” That makes…absolutely no sense.
Downstairs, Chameleon yanks Kenzi’s decorations from the walls. “Hey! Keebler!” Kenzi calls out. HA! “What the hell’s going on here?” Wait, how’d she get downstairs without running into Bo, Tamsin, or Hale? Eh, whatever. Keebler (much better moniker than “Chameleon”) disses Kenzi’s Yule party efforts. “No fruit? No offerings to Vanir?” Well, Vanir didn’t RSVP, so… “No wassailing! And this!” he finishes, pointing to the Rudolph decoration in his hand. “This has no business here.” Insulted, Kenzi gets all up in his business. “This mangy cur is not Eikpyrnir, the stag. It’s Rudolph!” he shouts as he rips the thing to shreds. “I KNEW IT!” Kenzi cries. “Trick has gotta hear this.” She heads off to find Trick and runs into Bo along the way. “BoBo! Where you been?!”she cries as she keeps walking past. “Where’ve I been?!” Bo repeats, incredulous. It’s her turn to confront Keebler. “I’m starting to think you were not technically invited.” Tamsin sidles up to stand as Bo’s enforcer. Guess her return made zero impact on Kenzi as they passed one another.
“Krampusnacht is a night that people should revere,” Keebler pontificates. “You’ll rue the day that you chose to desecrate the Yule Lord!” Hale enters the back of the room just as Keebler chameleons into a shade of the wallpaper again. “Bo, watch out!” Tamsin exclaims, reaching out to knock Bo out of reach. Unfortunately, this puts Tamsin in reach, and, as Hale and Bo watch, Keebler latches onto Tamsin’s arm and pulls her into the wall with him. They’re not the only ones who notice this time and all the remaining party goers run screaming from Hilton Hovel. “Sweet Christmas,” Hale exclaims in a whisper. Heh.
Stunned, Bo turns away from the wall. “Kenzi?” she asks. “Upstairs. Safe with Trick,” Hale immediately answers in a flat voice. Bo loses her shit. “Was that shitty Santa what’s his name Krampus?!” Still trying to make sense of what he saw, Hale insists Krampus isn’t supposed to space suck people. “He’s just a kindly old prankster who whisks naughty children off in his sack to Candyland.” So they go to Candyland for being naughty? Sweet. “Well apparently he really stepped up his game this year!” Bo retorts. She wants to know how they find him and Hale suggests they go back to wherever they showed up on Krampus’s radar in the first place. “Which could be anywhere.” They worked to trace back their steps and Bo walks through what Tamsin told her about buying gum and getting off the 43 bus. Hale: “Which goes right past…” “The gas station!” Bo realizes. She worries what’s going to happen to Tamsin but Hale urges her to stay calm and reminds her that time at least is something they have on their side. Except it looks like the time loops have stopped now, so… Bo wonders why Hale would put himself through all this voluntarily. Sheepish, Hale ducks his head. “Wait. You and…Kenzi?! God, that is just skeevy!” Bo says and punches Hale’s shoulder again. “It’s the opposite of skeevy!” Hale objects, failing to notice that Kenzi has come downstairs and is now behind him. Bo catches a glimpse of Kenzi but fails to stop Hale’s explanation in time. “Look, I had a chance to perfect my game, so to speak,” he says. His arms flail as he realizes how bad it all sounds. “I swear I was going to tell her!”
“I think you just did,” Bo admits, unhappily. She gestures toward Kenzi and Hale turns around. “Who’s the Yule Fool now, huh?” Kenzi says and retreats back upstairs. Hale immediately moves to follow, but Bo stops him. “Just leave her. In a few minutes she won’t remember any of this anyway. Right?” As she speaks, Jeannette crosses the room behind them, volleyball in hand. Hale agrees that’s probably the case. “Doesn’t make it right,” he adds in a hard voice. Jeanette throws the volleyball into the glasses. Standing behind the table, Pink Polo recoils and then awkwardly shouts “OPA!” The lights flicker and Bo moans at the idea of yet another time loop. Instead, Jeannette and Pink Polo thank Bo for the party. “Why am I itchy?” Jeannette asks. Ha! Bo tells Hale she didn’t start off in the car. “What happened? Are we done repeating the loop?! What does this mean?!” Much calmer, Hale explains it means that Krampus has found someone with enough regret to tide him over leaving them to go back to normal time. “So life continues,” Bo concludes. “Without Tamsin. Oh, I’ve gotta get to that gas station.” She orders Hale to stay put and protect everybody else, which now includes only a pissed-off Kenzi and a drunk Trick who’s…somewhere. Hale calls Bo back and then hands over a large dagger he just happened to find lying right there against the floor. “Blade of steel; hilt of bone,” he recites. “Yuletide Eve you must atone.” He tells Bo that while Krampus may be a joke, that doesn’t mean he isn’t harmful. Hale would have made the best Ash. Touched, Bo takes the knife and thanks Hale. We need more scenes of the two of them together.
Upstairs, Vex and Dyson are drunk and laughing it up. The box yet still in question lays on the bed between them. “I’ll pee on the post!” Vex declares, gesturing to the bedposts with his lantern hand. I really want to see the outtakes and all that Paul Amos came up with for that lead-in line. “All right, all right! Wait. Here it is! Here it is!” Dyson shouts as Doctor Lauren returns, struggling to balance her open bottle, the Ziploc bag holding Vex’s dismembered hand, and presumably her medical bag. Vex doubts Doctor Lauren knows what she’s doing. So say we all. “Are you kidding me? She could do a brainoplasty with both hands tied behind her back.” Smiling, Doctor Lauren corrects that it is not a real thing but thanks Dyson for the vote of confidence. “Please, can you please confirm that this is your hand?” she slurs at Vex. Dyson’s amused gaze flickers between them. Vex sneers at the bag. “I’m gonna need more sedatives.” He swigs from his flask and then tosses it across the room with a clatter.
“Hey, honestly, what are we doing with Bo’s box?” Dyson asks the other two as he lifts the box into his lap to make room for Doctor Lauren who struggles back onto the bed next to Vex. Vex snickers at Dyson’s word choice and taps the box with his lantern hand. Doctor Lauren snits that they obviously can’t give it to Bo. “Why obviously?” Dyson asks. “Because, Dyson, if I said green, you’d say purple just to get my goat!” Doctor Lauren snaps back. “I don’t want your goat. I can get any goat. I’m a good goat-catcher,” Dyson
adorably drawls. Doctor Lauren smiles coyly as Vex grouses for us all that they both want the same goat, “we get it already! What you two don’t get is that you don’t hate each other anymore,” he finishes emotionally. For Vex, that is. Dyson and Doctor Lauren soberly contemplate that and each other. Doctor Lauren smiles softly. Dyson examines the empty bottle. “Okay, what’s in this stuff?” Vex says it’s got a whole lotta truth, “and a little bit of Choga sweat! Whoo hoo!”
Dyson drunkenly admits that Vex is right. “I haven’t hated you for a long time.” Doctor Lauren preens a bit. “You’re the only one that gets my predicament, Wolfie. And you make me laugh.” she allows. Détente! Oh my God, she said something nice about Dyson! IT REALLY IS CHRISTMAS! Beside her, Vex struggles to get his hand out of the bag. Dyson raises his bottle of Dark Belch. “To us!” he toasts. “To Bo.” Doctor Lauren leans forward to clink bottles with him. “To drunken surgery!” Vex chortles and clinks his hand into their bottles. Heeeeeee. Growling, Vex proceeds to feel Doctor Lauren up with the dismembered hand. “Get away from me. I gotta put that on you,” the doc chides. Giggling, Vex falls back on the pillows. They must have had a blast filming these scenes.
Bo arrives at the deserted petrol station and pounds on the door calling for Tamsin. The unlocked door, which Bo discovers when she pulls rather than pushes it. She creeps in, still calling for Tamsin, so being real stealthy like, and checks the now empty candy dish on the counter. Over in the auto bay, Bo discovers the secret doorway to
Narnia Krampusville in the boot of a car. Where else? She calls Tamsin’s name again and it echoes deep. “Oh,” Bo moans. “And it’s back in the car again.”
Hale climbs the stairs to Kenzi’s Attic (not a euphemism!) where a miserable Kenzi lays on her bed. “Come to stuff my stocking with your Yule log again, stud?” she snarks half-heartedly. Hale is properly and sincerely contrite. “I’m so sorry, Lil Mama. That was stupid.” He sits next to her on the bed and waits for her. Kenzi finally sorta asks how many times they had sex during the time loop. Hale quickly swears it wasn’t even once. “We came close a couple times, but we never…” “Connected,” Kenzi fills in duly. Hale says he just wanted to make the night perfect. Kenzi unbends enough to sit up next to him. “Look dude, I dig you. But be real. You’re Fae; I’m human. It’s never gonna be perfect.” Hale nods, ready to concede anything at the moment, but Kenzi has a point. She wraps herself around Hale’s arm and lays her head on his shoulder. “And I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Awwww. Hale smiles, relieved. “I just didn’t want to disappoint you,” he murmurs. “Are you kidding me?!” Kenzi objects. “The Casanova of Clan Zamora?” Hale quietly admits he’s never done this before, “with someone I really care about.” Touched, Kenzi kisses him, a quick peck, and then a second, longer kiss. “Whoa,” Hale says at the end. Yeah boy. Kenzi pops up from the bed and Hale whines about where she’s going. “To freshen up!” she duhs. “Everyone deserves a second chance.” Hale gets up to stand with her. “There’s no rush,” he says softly. “We have time.” Awwwww.
Back at the petrol station, Bo drops down into Krampusville, which turns out to be a warehouse filled with rows of candy-colored copper vats, almost like a distillery. Over on a conveyer belt, a Fae is strapped down but looks to be happy about it as he’s slowly dragged toward the open mouth of a grinder that’s looks like a perverted smiling face. We don’t see him go in, but we surely do hear it. From the back of the grinder, pieces of candy flow evenly down a tubing system like a cog in an Ok Go! music video and into a large black cauldron. Bo eases into the cauldron end of the room. “What the hell is this place?” As she moves further in, the camera pulls up to show a dangling carnival sign that says CANDY.
Tamsin is next on the candy belt. She is noticeable unconcerned about her predicament and greets Bo cheerily. Bo promises to get Tamsin out but she can’t seem to budge the metal strips that hold Tamsin down. Tamsin thinks this is more than okay. “I’ve been naughty but now I’m gonna be candy!” Bruce ambles in carrying a bin of candy and still dressed in his toga. “I already broke the machine once,” he grouses miserably. “Now I have to wait to be candy.” Honey, first you have to be naughty and that ain’t never happening. Bo lets him pass by and then turns back to Tamsin. “Oh-kay Brainwash Betty. Listen up: Have you been naughty? Yes. Who hasn’t? But you are a good person. And despite all, you are my friend and I’m not leaving you behind!” Tamsin: “If they make me into a lollipop, I want you to have the first lick!”
This is too much for Bo, but she still can’t get Tamsin loose. Maybe you should’ve asked the muscle man for help before he left? Noting that the bands are on too tight, Bo realizes she needs something to stop the machine. Getting an idea, she yanks the knife Hale gave her from the sheath that down the back of her dress (doesn’t everyone have a sheath down the back of their leather dress?) and uses it to jam the conveyer belt. “Hale, I could kiss you!” Now, of course, the bands of metal give her no trouble whatsoever and she helps Tamsin from the table for their escape. Behind them, a vat of candy sports a sign marked VANITY.
They’re headed off at the pass by Keebler. “You’re not going anywhere,” he intones. “And why would we want to?” Tamsin chortles cheerfully. Keebler laughs and chides the “silly girls. This is the belly of Yule. This is where sour becomes sweet and naughty becomes nice.” Bo has other ideas. “This is where the succubus goes Bad Santa on your badly camouflaged ass because all of this?! This is just bad Christmas!” Behind her, Tamsin glances around the room, a broad, happy smile on her face like she’s on the best high of her life. Keebler calls her blasphemous and demands Tamsin in payment according to the Ancient Laws of Yule. “Yeah? Well by the powers invested in me by merry ole Saint Nick, I say she’s coming with me!” Bo retorts. Keebler obnoxiously agrees that Bo can take Tamsin. Incidentally, behind Keebler is a vat of candy with a sign marked CRUELTY.
He ambles off and Bo tries to lead Tamsin away, but Tamsin’s feet are now stuck to the floor. Bo tells her she’s needs Tamsin’s help, “I can’t do this without you,” but Tamsin says if they make her into candy then she won’t be able to hurt anyone anymore. “Then everyone will like me.” Bo insists she likes Tamsin, but Tamsin believes she no longer will once Tamsin confesses the truth. “I’m the reason The Wanderer found you.”
Flashback! It’s ye ole Tamsin, sitting at ye ole tavern in what looks to be Valkyrie armor and some heavy eye makeup. “In a previous life,” she voice-overs, “I hunted Fae fugitives for a price.” Someone drops a red velvet bag filled with coins onto the table before her, but FlashbackTamsin just brushes them aside. “I was a Valkyrie. I was the best. And I was greedy.” Gold coins and jewels rain down on the table before FlashbackTamsin. Scared, she looks up at her new client as he sits down across from her. “One look into his eyes and I knew I’d never really met true evil. Not until then.” Tamsin says she told herself she was powerless to refuse this “beast” so she accepted the bounty to find a woman. “I took comfort that the girl he described couldn’t possibly exist.” FlashbackTamsin tries to refuse, but her client grabs her wrist and turns it palm up to drop a large bag of money into it. “Eyes both brown and blue,” she recites. “Virtuous, yet lustful. Neither Dark nor Light, yet both.” Back in Candyland, Tamsin tearfully concludes that Bo wasn’t supposed to be real. “And the fact that I helped that monster find you…”
Bo comforts Tamsin and assures her none of it matters now. “Hey, I forgive you,” she says. She hugs a calming Tamsin. “So,” Keebler interrupts. “No respect for the old ways. We’ll see about that.” Bo has reached her limit on the Faezy. “Buddy, you are ten pounds of crazy in a two-pound bag!” Keebler demands Bo admit that she ate “it.” Bo slams on the brakes. “We’re here because we ate your gas station people candy?!” Keebler whines that people used to cower at the mere mention of Krampus. “They just need a reminder.”Bo is not impressed. “Well Krampus, or whatever the hell your name is…”
“He’s not Krampus!” a new voice interjects. “I am!” Over at the end of the room, the old man from Hilton Hovel makes his entrance, horns and all. Laughing, he takes an elaborate bow and flicks his tongue at the women while a thwarted Keebler rubs his eyes. Behind him, the carnival sign reads KRAMPUS AND SON. Krampus prances down the conveyor belt as Bo, Tamsin, and Keebler watch. Tamsin: “Holy shit.” Heh. Krampus whirls on her. “Hold that thought!” Keebler whines that Krampus promised this would be his year, but Krampus just shouts him down.
“Children are such a delight, aren’t they?” he says to the women. “But they get a little bit more overzealous when they try to please.” He asks what the problem is and Bo tightly explains that “Jeffrey,” aka Keebler, is trying to turn her friends into human gobstoppers. Wait, when did we get his name?! “Go Wonka-fy someone else ‘cause that ain’t happening.” Krampus asks Jeffrey if this is true and Jeffrey admits both women are worthy offerings, but he chooses Tamsin. “Aw,” Toga Bruce says, entering the room with a large lollipop in his hand. “Lucky.” Bo is offended that Jeffrey gets to do the choosing. “Tut, tut, tut,” Krampus scolds. “Ladies, please.” Jeffrey goes on that the laws are clear and a sacrifice must be made. “Yes, yes, I see,” Krampus soothes. He again apologizes for Jeffrey, “he has a little bit of growing to do.” Krampus motions toward Jeffrey’s height and laughs. “Growing…never mind. You!” he calls out to Tamsin. “You can go.” He blows a raspberry and Tamsin disappears in a flash of green light. Jeffrey laughs. “And you,” Krampus adds to Toga Bruce and with a similar rude noise and a flash of hot pink light, Toga Bruce is gone. “You too!” Krampus yells at Jeffrey, who immediately sobers. “I’m telling Mom,” he sulks. Krampus blows the raspberry and Jeffrey goes in a flash of orange.
Alone with Krampus, Bo demands to know what he did with the others. “I set them free, of course,” he says. Bo wants to know why then she’s still there. “There’s a darkness in you, my child,” Krampus says almost gently. “Enough to make candy for centuries, maybe even longer. And the guilt. The denial. Complex emotions make the best candy. You, my little succubus...I have never made blue candy before.” He blows another raspberry at her and Bo vanishes in a flash of blue only to reappear strapped down on the candy belt. Krampus spins in place in delight. “Let me go and I’ll consider letting you live,” Bo threatens. Krampus tells her it’s better like this. “You won’t be breaking any more hearts; no more hurting anyone. You’ll just bring sweetness to everyone you meet.” Bo wonders if that’s supposed to scare her. “Sour becomes sweet. Naughty is nice. Guilt becomes glue and denial is a river in Africa,” he singsongs. Bo insists she’s not afraid of him and he laughs. “Believe me, child, when I tell you only the truth shall set you free. How can you be pure when you will not confront your fears?”
Bo finally gives in. “Yes, I’m scared. Is that what you want to hear?” Krampus urges her on. “I’m scared of making the wrong choice,” she cries. “Of losing my friends—my family—again.” She looks back and behind her at the churning grinder she’s slowly approaching. “I’m terrified of what I’ll become. I’m terrified of what I’m capable of. I’m terrified of The Wanderer and what he’ll make me!!” Krampus laughs with satisfaction and then zaps Bo into blue vapor. She comes crashing down in the petrol station’s auto bay right outside the boot of the car where Tamsin waits. “I’m scared,” Bo announces, panting, still caught up in her confessional. “Really, really scared.” Tamsin smiles and leans forward so her chin looks to be on Bo’s shoulder. “You don’t have to be,” she says softly. “I’ve got you.” Aw. She squeezes Bo’s arm and now does lean against her shoulder. “Let’s go home.”
Bo is asleep in the back seat of the succumobile but jerks awake when a hand grabs her shoulder. Tamsin is bent over the back seat staring at Bo. Little creepy there, Tam Tam. “Are we still…?” Bo leads, but Tamsin assure her everything is okay and back to normal. “Or at least what you call normal in this crazy place.” Bo asks after Bruce and Tamsin updates that he’s passed out in Bo’s bed. “Lil’ nugget was all tuckered out.” Aw. They take a beat and then Bo addresses the whole “Wanderer” deal, “that evil that you met. Could he be my father?” Tamsin very seriously says that “thing” would’ve done anything to claim his ideal mate, “even if it meant creating her himself.” That’s…seriously creepy.
Kenzi comes out to check if Bo is okay. “And you! Young lady! You had me worried sick, do you know that?!” she shouts at Tamsin. “I’m sorry, Moms,” Tamsin whines with a shrug. Aw again! Kenzi pets the sides of Tamsin’s face. “We will deal with you later,” she promises fondly. Bo notices that Hale and Kenzi appear to have worked things out. I guess she can tell because Kenzi is in better spirits? “Oh sister, please. I never kiss and tell…within earshot,” Kenzi quips. “Or do everything and tell and trust me we did everything! Whoa!” she crows. Tamsin makes a puking noise at the thought of her Moms banging Hale. “There’s got to be something left to drink in this place,” she mutters. But Kenzi puts the kibosh on that. “I feel incredibly bad and I had no idea, but it’s Yule and apparently…” “The Dark can’t enter a house where the Light are celebrating Yule,” Tamsin finishes in a flat tone. “Not after midnight. It’s not the Fae way,” she calls back as she leaves. Miserable, Kenzi calls after her, but she’s is gone. What the hell now? That hasn’t made a difference all night and besides, it’s Bo’s house and she’s Dark so technically it’s the Light Fae who need to get the hell out. Isn’t Bruce Dark Fae too? Doesn’t seem to have kept him out. Oy, my head. Plot hole drink!
Kenzi updates Bo as to the whereabouts of the rest of the group. “(Doctor) Lauren left already with Vex. She had to A. sober up and B. sew his hand back on properly…” Does this mean Vex’s hand has healed? The whole point of cutting it off was because the Una Mens’ infection had settled in it and was creeping its way up Vex’s arm and into his body to kill him. Or is it more that the show doesn’t want to be bothered with accommodating a one-handed Vex for the rest of the season? Ding ding ding! Plot hole drink! “It’s a really long story,” Kenzi continues, “but, um, I’m not going in with those jerks. I’m gonna stay with you.” It’s Bo’s house! How can she throw a party she herself isn’t allowed to attend after midnight because she invited the wrong people?! Bo insists though that Kenzi goes inside. “I need some time to myself. Sort through a few things.” Kenzi tries to resist, but Bo insists she go. “Well, if you’re gonna push me—oh! And I found this box on the bed next to Dyson who’s like totally passed out.” The box is now on the boot of the succumobile. “It has your name on it.” Of course to Kenzi, there’s never any question about giving the box to Bo. Odd that she didn’t recognize Bo’s handwriting on it. So both Bruce and Dyson are passed out on Bo’s bed? No there’s a threesome! Strange though Tamsin didn’t notice Dyson when she tucked Bruce into Bo’s bed. I mean, it’s a big bed but that’s a pair of big guys! Bo ambles over to the box and carefully opens it. Her expression fades into horrified fear as she sees the contents—a glass jar full of black smoke.
Next week: “Destiny’s Child”