We're delighted to once again bring you recaps of Lost Girl, now airing its fourth season in the United States. Don't forget to check into all our Lost Girl coverage, but be warned there are discussion posts for later episodes (we've been talking about the show as it airs in Canada) that contain SPOILERS. Thanks, and please weigh in with your comments!
This post contains spoilers for all aired episodes of Lost Girl, including last night’s 4x05, “Let the Dark Times Roll."
“Your blood has spoken. You have chosen a side.”
“You are Dark.”
“Bullshit. There’s no freaking way I’m Dark Fae. Bo? Succubus? Unaligned? It’s kinda my brand.”
The Keeper tells Bo the Una Mens’ gargoyle read her blood. “You have joined the Dark.” Bo’s pretty confident she’d remember “betraying everything I’ve ever stood for.” The Keeper jibes that mystery is Bo’s problem to figure out along with, “he who led the Dark during your absence.” ‘Round these parts, he’s called Vex. The Una Mens, for the moment, are satisfied and tell Bo she may take her leave. Typically, Bo isn’t too happy to be so easily dismissed. “This is my town. If anyone’s taking a leave, it’s you and your Circle Jerk of Doom.” Nevertheless, she goes to leave, but The Keeper calls after Bo. “If you see the Human Doctor or that terrorist pet of yours, tell them we will see them soon.” Oh, that was a bad call there, lady. The Keeper goes on to call Doctor Lauren and Kenzi enemies of the Fae. Well, you’re only half wrong there. “Their deaths will be most painful.” That’s the last straw for Bo who stalks back to chi suck The Keeper and the surrounding Una Mens. Immediately after she does, they suck the chi right back out from her. Gasping and moaning, Bo falls to her knees. “What kind of boomerang bitch are you?” Ha! “Strike at the Una Mens and you shall be your own victim,” The Keeper intones without emotion. “For now, Aligned Succubus, a choice: Pay fealty to the leader of the Dark at once or die.” Dun dun DUN!
In a waiting room, Kenzi slurps from a fast food cup and yanks a ticket from the dispenser. The call box on the wall shows 69; so does the ticket in Kenzi’s hand. Heh. Conjoined twins sit on one couch and flip through the latest edition of Torture Tales while a pink-haired, horned woman lovingly strokes the face of her urban cowboy pet, both sporting BDSM chic. Today is a Good Day by APM music pipes electronic by way of ‘70s muzak over the soundtrack (groovy man) as a man, a woman, and Bo emerge from the ladies room, re-affixing their clothes. Kenzi drops on a waiting room couch as Bo joins her and asks if she’s all juiced up now. “Those Una Mens assholes pack quite the wallop,” Bo admits while eye-banging the receptionist across the room with whom she just finished. “And with Dyson out of town, I gotta find some way to recharge the double Ds.” So this is a Dyson-free episode then. Yippee. Can I stop watching now? Dang. Bo looks at Kenzi in time to catch her looking at Bo’s breasts. “The batteries! My batteries!” she clarifies with a chiding swat for Kenzi’s arm. Wow, Bo. Good to know after all he’s done to find and retrieve you, after all he’s doing now to locate and protect your ex-girlfriend, that you value Dyson as much as you do a portable charger. Stay classy. Think they carry Dyson chargers at the Verizon store?
Bo mutters she just wants to find The Wanderer and get all of “this” cleared up. “You think The Wanderer’s responsible for the old ‘whoops I trip and accidentally joined Club Evil’?” Kenzi ask. Bo whispers that it has to be him. “He takes me against my will, he wipes my memory, and when I come home, I’m Dark Fae.” She knows someone else is tied up in it all too. “Vexminster General?” Kenzi says. Heh. Bo relates the Una Mens claims Vex is deep into “bull cacky. He is the leader of Los Dark Douche Bags.” Kenzi regretfully whines that they were such good mascara buddies, “although, he did send Clio to kind of scalp you.” Bo swears she’s going to put the boots to Vex until he tells her where to find The Wanderer and how to kill him. Kenzi: “Wait up, is Dyson still…. “….looking for (Doctor) Lauren, yeah,” Bo says, suddenly transitioning from kick ass, warrior Fae to weepy, whipped succubus. Kenzi: “Glad to see your love life finally got less complicated.” Bo whines that Dyson has to find Doctor Lauren. Why is that again now? Are we conveniently forgetting that whole operated-on-imprisoned-Fae-against-their-will thing again, not to mention the our-entire-relationship-was-based-on-not-knowing-each-other epiphany? Ah, yes, I see we are. Nifty.
Kenzi promises Bo that Dyson will find Doctor Lauren. “And she has to be okay,” Bo moans. Again, Kenzi promises that Doctor Lauren will be so. They smile at each other. “l love you, sassafras,” Bo says softly. Kenzi affectionately bops Bo’s nose. “I know.” Awwwww.
“Now serving 69,” the hot receptionist calls out with all the enthusiasm as if she’s announcing a root canal. The conjoined twins hold up their ticket: 69. The cowboy sub holds his ticket up to the horned lady: 69. Kenzi holds her ticket up toward the hot receptionist: 69 “No duh.” Kenzi suddenly wonders if whether Bo’s change in status means she’s Dark now too, because then she’s gonna need an image upgrade including clothing allowance. “Oh trust me,” Bo drawls with menace, “we will not be Dark for long.” From your mouth to…whoever’s ears who can undo this hot mess. Shit, Dyson is going to have a fit when he finds out. Oh, so *that’s* how they’re going to keep Team Badass apart: reduce Dyson to a charging station and make Bo Dark Fae. Sneaky writers.
Hot receptionist clears her throat meaningfully and repeats, “Now serving 69,” this time loaded with so much innuendo, Bo clues in that she’s meant to proceed. The twins look at each other all confused insult. Hey, that’s our number! Bo throws open the double doors to The Morrigan’s office gunslinger style and struts into the inner sanctum, Kenzi at her side. “I’m Dark?!” she declares to Vex without ceremony. Slowly the desk chair swings around to reveal…Evony! She’s sporting a black bob wig that does mad things for her cheekbones. As though she needed it. “Bo,” she trills. “I am so glad you could finally join us.” For their part, Bo and Kenzi sport matches expressions of oh SHIT!
“I thought you were dead,” Kenzi and Bo say simultaneously. Evony: “Surprise!” Heh. She trills on about her shock at finding out that Bo had “taken her head out from between her shapely legs” and came “over to the only side that matters.” Bo is quick to correct that it wasn’t her choice, “and I’m having it annulled as soon as you give me Vex.” Evony sneers at the idea of Vex being able to do anything that requires the use of a head above the belt. “He imprisoned your brassy beaver,” Kenzi snaps, automatically defending her mascara buddy. Also, snicker. Evony immediately loses her company smile. Bo gives Kenzi a really? look. Kenzi: “Right. Vex. Vex bad! Vex. Mesmer poop.” Ha! Back in pleasantries, Evony chides that if Bo wants Vex she should come to Evony’s Dark céilidh “this aft.” Kenzi wonders if “céilidh” is Dark Fae for “vegetable enema”. “A Dark Fae céilidh is like a Light Fae party except with more…everything,” Evony explains with pleasure. Bo says the party will have everything except a succubus and that she’ll find Vex on her own. Evony stops her by saying if Bo was hoodwinked into declaring Dark, she can get out of it simply by showing proof of said hoodwink. “The bad news is you have to show proof before the first full moon since you’ve joined.” Bo points out that the full moon is that night. “No time to dwaddle then,” Evony agrees and then, with a scornful look for Kenzi, flatly tells Bo to feel free to bring “her pet.” “I am not her pet,” Kenzi shoots back. “I will never be anyone’s pet nor will any human.” Bo smiles at her bestie’s show of defiance. That’s my girl. Evony is also pleased by her display of spirit. “See? Already getting the hand of being Dark.” Kenzi grins with pleasure at her approval. “Really? I mean, shut up!” Snort.
Evony tells them to show up in whatever makes them comfortable “although there is one thing that you might consider wearing for once,” she offers. Bo tightly asks what that may be. “A smile,” Evony orders, dropping the friendly girl talk vibe. Bo narrows her eyes and they glare at one another. “Oh boy,” Kenzi mutters.
Down in Tolkien’s Lair (drink!), Trick is on the phone with Wei Lein, the psychic lady with the long fingernails from Trick’s playa past and S2E11. He asks her to get him something, anything, on “this Wanderer” and promises they’ll then do dinner. “Just dinner,” he emphasizing. Lady got a taste of the Trickster and she wants some more. He hangs up the antique phone. Gingerly, he reaches into a box and opens a small basket to reveal a large seed that appears to be alive as it trembles and growls. Trick seems mildly transfixed and then shakes it off with a sigh, shutting the seed away again. He carries the box to the vault and locks it up along with who knows how many secrets and treasures. But when he returns to the room, a shadowed figure awaits him. Trick grabs a nearby dagger. “How dare you enter my private quarters without invitation,” he challenges.
“That’s a big knife for a bartender,” Shadow Boy sneers. “Depends on the bar,” Trick returns. Heh. I love me some bad ass Trick, yes I do. Shadow Boy steps into the (faint) light and, holding forth a scroll, tells Trick he’s been summoned to the Una Mens for a personal inquisition. Trick steps forward to accept the scroll, but Shadow Boy holds on to it as he warns Trick to get his story straight. “Which story,” Trick replies, very much not intimidated as he snatches the scroll. “Your life story,” Shadow Boy says tersely. He leaves without another word and Trick looks worried. Gonna be a helluva story all right.
Bo, Kenzi, and TeenTamsin arrive at the Dark Fae céilidh, which includes a posh sushi buffet. Kenzi is impressed and even has to clarify that this *is* a Dark Fae soiree, especially when she sees the party favors are tree saplings that guests are invited to plant in honor of the Dark Fae’s rosy future. Wait, does this mean that Hollywood is essentially Dark Fae central? Actually, that really works. “Tree huggers. Bad swag. Not a UFC fighter in sight?” Kenzi complains. “This is the worst Dark Fae party we have ever been to!” Bo points out that it’s the only one they’ve been to and the only one they’re ever going to go to. “Well, then I best embrace my bad girl,” Kenzi decides and hits up the nearby waiter for a cocktail. “Hmm! Dark side for life!” she announces to the room at large. Behind her, TeenTamsin grabs her own drink and sucks it down. That’s sure to end up well. TeenTamsin coughs around the booze. “Again!” she shouts. Mama Kenzi is immediately on duty, warning TeenTamsin to not let the swizzle sticks poke out her eye as they head for the bar.
Evony spies Bo and hurries over and what in the name of sanity has she done to her hair?! “The guest of honor!” Evony exclaims. “Look at you, all edgy and shit.” I do like the blue leather vest with black see-through sleeves. Thankfully, this one appears to be sans hip waders. Evony compliments Bo’s ability to grab the spotlight and promises there’s something for everyone as she leads Bo down a cowering line of women. Bo sneers at the human buffet as Evony stops them in front of a blonde, also the only one not wearing white, not like she’s being singled out or anything. “I bet this one starts with vanilla and ends with a smoky bouquet,” Evony drawls. The poor woman is terrified—God knows what she’s already seen at this “party” —but manages a small, if frightened, partial smile. Oh, I like her. She snares Bo’s attention for obvious reasons. Bo strokes the woman’s face and pours on the juice. “Leave here,” Bo orders, “and take your friends with you.” The young woman scurries away while Evony calmly chides Bo for dismissing the food. “Kind of gauche.” Bo sees this as more proof that there’s no way she’s Dark, but Evony scoffs, unbothered. “Please, we’re no different from the Light. Wait, did I just get judgey with you now? Yes! But I am already over it!” Bo snarks that her day is now saved.
Following her through the party, Evony goes on that there’s a refreshing lack of hypocrisy with the Dark Fae. “We’re honest about what we are, Bo, so why aren’t you?” Because self-delusion is one of Bo’s favorite things. Right up there with self-righteous judgment of everyone who doesn’t agree with her and/or do what she tells them to do. This, actually, really is the Light Fae in a nutshell.
Bo insists she knows who she is. “You’re a luscious succubus whose true nature is to feed off of humans,” Evony says. “Like the rest of us Fae. You just choose not to. Lame, but whatevs.” Ha! I’m beginning to think this walk on the Dark side could be good for Bo. Nobody’s called her on her shit in a while. Evony shifts gears and compliments Bo on her great hair. Bo wonders if that’s why everyone is staring at her, but, slipping her arm in Bo’s and leading her back through the room and out the door, Evony counters they’re all just delighted that Bo has found her true home.
Outside now, Evony and Bo stroll down the drive to the lawn. Dammit, I knew it was too good to be true; Bo’s top has a frigging lace tail attached to the back of her top. Yeesh, people. She is a freaking kick-ass warrior; she should not be girlyed up with frou frou. Adding a feminine touch doesn’t have to mean regularly sticking her in a modified tutu. At this rate, by the end of the season, Bo will likely be a succubus in ruffled skorts. Bo tells Evony that the Dark are not her true home, “and I’m not here to make you look good in front of your subjects. I just want to ask Vex how I wound up pledged to you goons.” She asks where Vex is but Evony has no idea. “You’re gonna have to look for him.” Bo objects that Evony said Vex would be there. Evony corrects that what she said was that if Bo wanted Vex, she would first have to come to the party. Now Bo is there, Evony is going to give her every resource needed in order for her to hunt Vex down. Bo decides instead that she’ll take the gift bag and go. Evony is done playing though and through clenched teeth tells Bo the Una Mens are cramping her style. “And they want every human that you love very, very dead.” Bo insists she can protect her friends, but Evony doesn’t even bother acknowledging that fiction. “Una Mens won’t leave town until all the loose ends are tied up. And Vex? Vex is the loosest end of all.” That *is* the rumor, yes. Oh, you meant as a *threat*, not as…something else. Right. Gotcha. My bad.
Bo wants to know why the Una Mens have such a jones for Vex and Evony says it’s because he’s vanished and thus pissed them off. She insists she needs to find him, “and I’d say you need to find him too. I call that kismet.” Bo: “Well, I call it kiss my ass as I walk away and do this on my own terms.” So original, Bo. Evony reminds Bo she’s Dark now and that means that she is not only Bo’s boss, but her friend. “And I want to prove to you how good a friend I can be.” She turns Bo around to face the wide lawn. Bo steps forward and smiles as she catches glimpse of who is there.
Wearing a gorgeous black cocktail dress, a cleaned up, glammed up Doctor Lauren walks in slow motion across the lawn. The setting sunlight casts her in a natural glow. Squirrels and chipmunks scamper out from the trees to dance around her perfectly shaped, bare feet. A pair of blue birds descends from the sky; one perches on her shoulder while the other lands on Doctor Lauren’s outstretched finger. Doctor Lauren whistles a jaunty tune to the bird and it joins her in perfect harmony. Bunnies hop before her, clearing the way. A cloud floats down to form a fluffy halo around the shining crown of Doctor Lauren’s perfect golden hair as she crosses the distance to Bo.
Okay, fine, only some of that happened. Maybe.
In the Una Mens’ dungeon, Trick watches warily, hands clasped behind his back, as The Keeper enters with a lit candelabra and calls to order the inquisition of Fitzpatrick McCorrigan. Trick steps forward. “A question asked; an answer given,” he recites. The Keeper announces that the results of the Inquisition will carry great weight in determining Trick’s future. She asks if Trick’s brought a second, but he states that he takes care of his own affairs. Also, he probably doesn’t want anyone else to hear all that may be revealed in such an interrogation. The Keeper asks how Trick came to be in “the colonies.” “Would you believe I took a wrong turn at Morocco?” Trick lightly jests. Good to know Bo comes by her snark naturally. The Keeper is not amused.
Back at the Dark Fae céilidh, Bo and Doctor Lauren have managed to find an empty room for their “reunion.” “I guess we have a lot to talk about,” Doctor Lauren starts. Bo agrees. Wait, they’re actually going to talk about all that Doctor Lauren has done and how, in her absence, Bo realized her ex-girlfriend hid a secret identity and a murderous past along with everything else before dumping her—twice? Oh, wait, no, now they’re making out. I swear it’s like there are two different shows happening at the same time. The actual Lost Girl and then every couple of episodes there’s The Doccubus Adventures spinoff which subverts and reconstitutes what it can’t ignore to advance its own alternative plotlines. Eh, whatever.
Where were we? Oh right, Bo and Doctor Lauren are making out rather than deal with their issues. Par for the course then. Bo spins the doc around and up against the table. “Oh boy,” Doctor Lauren moans. “This dress is incredible,” Bo says, kissing her neck. “Let’s get you out of it.” Heh. “Stat!” the doc agrees and Bo chuckles over her seductive doctor talk. Ah, where exactly is Crystal again, Doctor Lauren? Oh right! She’s disposable girlfriend #2! Got it. They’re interrupted by an eager waiter who is momentarily captivated by the show. “Ah, mini-quiche?” he offers when they notice him. “Get out,” Bo orders in a death voice. He starts to back out but the doc stops him. “Maybe just leave the tray?” Heh. Cautious now, the waiter does so and then backs out the door without taking his eyes off the women. They go back at it. In the back, the waiter catches as much as he can manage as he slowly trails out of view. Ha.
“A humble Lackin Chan opens a bar and gains some prominence,” The Keeper recaps. Trick jokes that people do enjoy a stiff drink. Ignoring him, The Keeper continues on that The Dal Riata was named a place of sanctuary, which gave Trick some influence with the Dark and the Light Fae. Trick asserts that he keeps his nose out of Fae politics. The Keeper assays that Trick must know the origins of the Una Mens. “After the Great Fae War there was a rebellion,” he begins. The Keeper clarifies that this was Fae rebels trying to overturn the Blood Laws of the Blood King. Looks like the Una Mens don’t know of Trick’s status as the Blood King. So much for being “omniscient.” “Why was that?” The Keeper asks. No longer joking, Trick says it was because the Blood King became corrupt. “But a peace was offered,” The Keeper continues. “If the Blood King would agree to relinquish power to a council made up of those willing to sacrifice their individual flaws and desires.” “And souls,” Trick interjects darkly. “To become a single soul,” The Keeper counters with emphasis, “without ego or ambition.” So, basically, the Una Mens are the Borg. Okay. I can buy that.
The Blood King agreed to this arrangement, “then he betrayed us,” The Keeper finishes. A lackey hands her a gourd and she descends the platform to stand directly before Trick as she relates the rest. “The six seeds of the sacred papyrus plant were given to six Fae to swallow so they might be blessed with new life as a single vessel of humility and justice.” Looks like you lost the ‘humility’ aspect somewhere around the Middle Ages. She places the open gourd on the stand before Trick. Inside are six round empty slots that once held the seeds. “The king stole his seed and vanished. Absorb the power of the Blood Mage and the Una Mens would be able to absorb the power of the laws he wrote…unchallenged.”
“Unchallenged?” Trick repeats with a grimace. That sounds like a really bad idea. “We would have him take his place among us,” The Keeper adds, “if we might find him.” Ah, maybe they know Trick’s the Blood King after all. Trick’s frown slowly eases into alarm as he realizes her subtext. Oh shit, they know.
Back at the Dark céilidh, Kenzi and Tamsin are checking out the non-human buffet bar. Tamsin complains that Kenzi said there’d be dancing at the party. “Why do you think we’re carbo-loading, Footloose?” Tamsin doesn’t think the Dark appear to be all that bad and wonders what the difference is between the Light and Dark Fae anyway. “Well, the Light are assholes,” Kenzi answers without hesitation. “And the Dark are…assholes,” she admits, “who have fun.” They reach the sushi bar, which delights Kenzi so much she fails to notice she’s lifting that piece of spicy salmon roll from Bruce’s eye socket. “Hi Kenzi,” he mutters carefully.
Shocked, Kenzi accuses that she thought he was in Bora Bora. I guess he finished his term guarding the Troll Bridge? “I really didn’t want you to see me like this,” Bruce says, miserable. Kenzi is appalled at his condition. “Oh my gosh, you are a living sushi table! You’re…Brucshi” Oblivious, TeenTamsin crows over the special sauce. Kenzi grabs her arm. “No dragon roll for you!” She orders Bruce to get up, but he protests that this is his punishment. “Get up, Bruce,” Kenzi repeats and without further protest, Bruce clambers to his feet. Probably knows better than to argue with Kenzi when she’s in this mood. Kenzi is freaking out. “Okay, we’re gonna get this ginger off of you…find you a shirt, and some dignity to go with it,” she finishes with a snarl, getting her mad on but good. She stalks into an antechamber and Houdinis the tablecloth off the table—which reveals the dead bride and groom stashed beneath it, the original owners of the co-opted reception. Dark Fae forevah!”
The first thing Kenzi notices is the wedding gown. “Vera Wang?” But horror descends as she realizes the couple is dead. Wary now where before she was having fun, Kenzi looks around the room with fear. “What…is…happening?” she bites out as she stalks back to Bruce to toss the table cover around his huge torso. “You didn’t think the Dark legitimately paid for stuff like this, did you?” he gently chides. “Bad sushi!” Kenzi announces, taking Bruce’s hand in hers. Without even looking, Bruce grabs TeenTamsin’s hand as well. She chomps down on a crudités as he peers sadly at the dead couple. “They read their vows in iambic pentameter. So lovely.” Kenzi leads him from the room as TeenTamsin brings up the rear, her hand clasped in Bruce’s meaty grip. “Move it, people!” Kenzi orders. Aw, so sweet! Kenzi’s leading the kids in a safety train! Where the hell is Bo that she has again abandoned the people she so recently swore she could protect?
Oh yeah, right, ignoring her friends and her issues to suck face with Doctor Lauren. Her dress is all zipped up now so I guess they finished? Or just never went for the whole shag? Eh, either one should have at least recharged Bo’s double As. “God, we really do have a lot to talk about,” Bo says. Well, get to it already, missy! “We should do that some time.” How about now? Now is good. She kisses the doctor and claims that she wanted to find Doctor Lauren. But you didn’t really try all that hard now, didja? “I had to go,” the doc asserts, kissing Bo back. Yes, after illegally harvesting Fae DNA, operating on imprisoned Fae against their will, and conspiring, however unintentionally, against both Light and Dark Fae with a crazy geneticist who was murdering both Fae sides, you did indeed have to go. Unfortunately, you came back. Hang on. I need more booze to get through this hot mess.
Bo kisses her neck, loudly, as Doctor Lauren moans about how glad she is to have Bo there. “Why are you here?” it suddenly occurs to Doctor Lauren to ask. With exasperation, Bo explains how Vex somehow conspired with The Wanderer to turn Bo Dark. Wait, does Doctor Lauren even know about The Wanderer? She wasn’t involved in any of The Wanderer interactions and hasn’t, you know, been around lately. Eh, whatever. “You’re Dark?” Doctor Lauren repeats, aghast. Bo expositions how she came to the party to find Vex and set it all straight and behold, here’s Doctor Lauren too! “I’ve been worried sick about you. And here you are, chillin’ with The Morrigan.” Couldn’t even be bothered with a phone call to let you know she’s okay either. Doctor Lauren corrects that it’s not so much chillin’ as hiding in terror from the Una Mens, “thanks to The Morrigan.” Bo: “Oh, of course.” Did she just agree that The Morrigan is the natural person to whom the doc should’ve gone to for protection from the Una Mens? What the hell is this, BizzaroFaeville? Bo claims she wants to hear all about how Doctor Lauren came to be there and the doc also claims she wants to tell Bo all about it…and yet, neither woman is saying anything more about it. Status quo! Doctor Lauren suggests that Bo has to get going. “In a second,” Bo says with that predator smile of hers as she leans in to kiss the doc again.
“Bore-ring!” Evony chimes from the doorway. You said it, sistah. “What’s next, you gonna braid each other’s hair? Scissor already!” HA! Bo snaps that if they wanted an audience, they would’ve charged admission. That sounds strangely familiar. “Well at this rate, I would’ve asked for a refund!” Evony replies. Honey, I would like my money back on all of season three, but this is the price we have to pay to get to the
wolf good stuff. Bo glares and Evony gives in. “Fine. Back to business.” Doctor Lauren tries to excuse herself, but Evony wants her to hear the deal she’s offering Bo. She’ll give Bo the means to run down Vex if Bo gives her blood oath to bring Vex to Evony. Bo wants to hear what these means entail first.
A woman rushes into the room behind Evony. She’s wearing an egregious pink, flouncy dress with a matching ribbon in her hair. Her you can stick in ruffles to your ruffling delight, costume people. “I am so frickin’ excited to be working with you,” she fangrrls to Bo. “Why don’t we just invite the waiter back in?” Bo grouses, so I’m guessing she and Doctor Lauren didn’t get to finish the fauxunion sex after all. Evony objects that it’s only for those who need to know. Doctor Lauren wonders what that makes her. “Essential,” Evony asserts. Apparently Bo needs a certain drug to make Vex compliant. “It’s going to need a certain doctor’s…touch.” The doc smiles and nods. She really doesn’t seem to mind taking orders from Evony, does she? Bo asks about the plan. “We’re going on a mission!” the excited Pink Lady exclaims. She strikes a finger gun pose. “Evony’s Angels!” Bo looks at the doc, who ducks her head. Mildly embarrassed, Evony sighs—it’s so hard to get good help these days—and gives Bo and the doc a moment to “collect” themselves. “Come along, scavenger,” she orders Pink Lady. Bo turns back to Doctor Lauren who smiles as she clasps Bo’s shoulders. “Few minutes is not a lot of time,” she points out. “Waste not, want not,” Bo says and then jumps her. I was wrong earlier: Now Bo’s getting her double As charged.
Later, an annoyed Bo leans against the bride and groom’s limousine compete with “JUST MARRIED” poster on the bumper. Didja stop and tell Kenzi where you were off to before you abandoned her alone at a Dark Fae céilidh? Didn’t think so. So glad you had that heart-to-heart last episode. Made a big difference. Doctor Lauren and a chattering Scavenger climb out of the back seat. “This is the most amazing day! It’s like a dream come true!” Scavenger trills. She throws an arm around both women and squeezes as she reads off their labels. “Being on an actual mission with Bo, the insanely hot succubus and Lauren, the genius doctor! I get to be a part of something instead of just having to devour sloppy seconds!” she giggles. Bo: “Ew.” Doctor Lauren: “She’s a scavenger Fae.” Pink Lady: “And I just peed myself a little.” Heh.
Bo tells “Pietra” that it’s “great to have you on board, but what are we doing here?” Called back to the mission at hand, Pietra lets the women go to trot off down the lane and around the corner, chattering about all the shocking things she’s heard about Vex. “With the Una Mens and The Morrigan after him and all his assets frozen, he’s been keeping to the shadows. Hunted, haunted, and broken.” The missed op for a trifecta of alliteration there saddens. She shouts this last bit back over her shoulder as, out of sight of Bo and Doctor Lauren, Pietra drags some brush aside to reveal a woman draped in a table cloth much like the one with which Kenzi recent clad Bruce. The cloth is stained with fresh blood, likely caused by the bloody ceremonial blade that lies in the folds of the tablecloth. “Guess what he’s doing for cash? He’s hookering!” Annoyed, Bo asks if she needs help but Pietra assures her she’s all good. “Stay right there!” Ducking back behind the corner, Pietra smacks the victim’s hand on which is displayed and elaborate, expensive, gorgeous gold jeweled bracelet. That’s going to mean something at some point…or not. This is Lost Girl after all. The woman moans; not quite dead yet. Pietra checks that Bo and Doctor Lauren are still where she left them, than viciously and repeatedly stabs the woman dead with the knife. Breathing shakily, she hurries to wipe the blade off in the cloth, then picks up the curved scabbard lying nearby to sheathe the blade, and tosses the black garbage bag back over the body before putting on her happy face again and trotting back to the other two oblivious women, blade now hidden behind her back.
She tells Bo and Doctor Lauren that Vex has been dying to leave town, “but the Una Mens’ poison binds him to this territory, that’s why he needs this!” she announces, displaying the blade. With awe, Doctor Lauren takes the blade from Pietra and identifies it as “The Scimitar of Chronos.” Pietra explains that the scimitar will cut out the poison. “He thinks I’m stealing it for him in exchange for taking me with him when he runs and giving me all his ‘leftover feeds’,” she mocks in a British accent, “but it’s a total sting operation,” she finishes on a giggle. Girl is high on the adrenaline all right. Doctor Lauren asks where exactly Pietra is supposed to go in order to give the scimitar to Vex, but she doesn’t know, Vex is supposed to call her when he’s ready. Bo snits that she can’t wait for Vex to “drunk dial” Pietra as she only has till moonrise and Pietra panics. “Oh my God, I’m failing you. I’m totally failing you.” Doctor Lauren soothes that she’s doing great and asks where Pietra saw Vex last. Pietra says it was under the old railway bridge on the east end of town. “Well, that’s by the gym where Dyson moved into.” Hang on. Dyson gave up his loft to move into the back room of a gym? Why the hell did he do that?! Shit, I liked his loft. “Vex is hiding near his arch enemy?” Doctor Lauren clarifies. Bo admits that no one would suspect it. Doctor Lauren suggests they get Dyson to sniff Vex out. If her next words are “Sit Boo Boo, sit,” there will be blood.
“Actually,” Bo says fondly as she remembers what Dyson is off doing on her behalf. “Dyson is away. Looking for you.” Yeah, so maybe a quick “hey Dyson, I found her” phone call wouldn’t be unheard of here? This takes Doctor Lauren back for a moment. “Oh,” and then she realizes this makes his gym an even better hideout for Vex. “He’ll feel completely safe right now.” Bo points out that Vex would still be in hiding, “and in that area, any Dark Fae on the street would attract attention.” Before she finishes the sentence, Bo realizes that’s exactly Doctor Lauren’s point and together they look at Pietra who now looks a lot like bait. Bo puts her arm around the scavenger. “Are you ready for some real action, Pietra?” She nods with great enthusiasm. “Yeah, let’s do this!”
Back at the céilidh, Bruce has been de-sushied. Kenzi shakes out a shirt and hands it over while expositioning that, in exchange for helping Kenzi at the end of season three, Bruce was given to another Fae as property. “I’m a slave of Kai the Makishi,” he says. “Kai is really mean.” Kenzi objects that Bruce sent her postcards about “clam-diving all day and hula-hoop golfing at night!” Bruce wordlessly shrugs into the shirt as Kenzi works it through. “Hula-hoop golfing isn’t a thing, is it?” Bruce tells her he didn’t want her to worry. “Well, now I’m worried, Bruce!” TeenTamsin chimes in that she and Kenzi can help Bruce now but Kenzi doesn’t know how they can do that. “Get another Fae to master me, I guess,” Bruce suggests. Kenzi: “Master you?” Bruce: “It’s much worse than it sounds.” Somehow, I doubt that. But Kenzi has pinged on an idea but first she wants to know if anything bad happens to the person who masters Bruce. “They become completely responsible for me until my punishment is fulfilled. I take up a lot of space,” he points out needlessly. Kenzi dismisses this. “Space is cheap when you’re squatting.” Holla for Hilton Hovel!
“All right, Blondie,” Kenzi says, pulling TeenTamsin aside to whisper a plan in her ear. TeenTamsin is all on board and hurries away to follow Kenzi’s instructions. “Underwater sponge gardening?” Kenzi asks Bruce. “Not a thing,” he confirms. “I knew it!” Kenzi gripes. Ha! Love them together. TeenTamsin has commandeered the DJ’s microphone by now and announces to the room at large. “I’m just gonna master all over that big guy Bruce over there.” Kenzi helpfully points to Bruce so there’s no confusing the only giant in the room with anyone else. “So, Kai? Wherever you are? Up yours, you big dong head!” TeenTamsin challenges with a giggle. The DJs getting a good kick out of her too. Ha.
“Now it’s a party,” Evony preens. She takes center as TeenTamsin jogs back to high-five Kenzi. “A challenge has been made.” Evony explains to a smug TeenTamsin that the current “holder of the burden” has the right to defend her property. “Duelists, step forward,” she calls. “Duelists,” Kenzi scoffs to Bruce. “Totally a thing,” he replies. A woman whose beautiful face looks remarkably like a glammed up Lafayette on True Blood sidles out front the crowd with a death glare for TeenTamsin. Well now. Someone thinks she’s all that and a side of Brucshi. “Oh, swizzle sticks,” Kenzi moans as the smile falls from TeenTamsin’s face.
Clutching the scimitar in both hands, Pietra shuffles up and down a grungy alley as bait that’s presumably nearby Dyson’s gym while Bo and Doctor Lauren watch from behind a gate. Stealthy. Also, in the interim, a team of stylists arrived to re-curl and style Doctor Lauren’s shiny, golden tresses. As she and Bo come out from behind the gate, the doc fills a hypodermic from a vial. “Nectar of Violet,” she informs Bo when she asks. It’s extremely rare but natural and the Dark Fae have “oodles” of it in their greenhouse. “Can you imagine? Socrates’s natural hallucinogenic.” Next time, score some of Socrates’ hemlock while you’re at it. I’m asking for a friend. Bo coos that her mind is blown. “So, how ‘bout that talk?” Such a good idea! Doctor Lauren, however, is surprised. “Talk? Now? Here?” You got something better to do, doc? Bo says yes, now. “We could be here a while.” Doctor Lauren glances again at a grimacing Pietra and then hilariously holds up a solidarity fist. You gangsta, doc. Doctor Lauren asks where Bo wants to start. “Our break
up?” Bo suggests. “Taft’s?” The doc nods. “Karen.” Bo: “Yeah, who is this ‘Karen’ person?” But Doctor Lauren skips over that to add to their list. “How we came into the clutches of the Dark Fae?” Bo wants to backtrack to the Karen sitch, totally missing the doc’s use of “we” with regard to the Dark Fae. But just at that moment, Pietra calls out.
A blonde woman in a cap jerks and shudders her way down the alley toward Pietra. Bo grudgingly remarks that Vex is too smart to show himself (I’m not so sure about that) and the doc adds that he’s clearly in control of that woman so he must be close. The blonde grabs the scimitar from Pietra and when she resists, kicks her in the shin. “Ow! Woman down! Woman down!” Pietra cries. Ha. Bo and Doctor Lauren hurry over. “I totally got wounded in action! God it hurts!” Pietra moans. Bo snipes she’s going to hurt Pietra if she doesn’t shut up. Doctor Lauren calmly tells Bo she’s “got this” and soothes Pietra that her leg is only bruised. “Tell me the truth, doc, am I gonna lose it?” Doctor Lauren manages not to laugh in the scavenger’s face as she assures her that won’t happen, “but you might lose a tongue if you don’t be quiet!” So much for being calm. Bo says she’ll call Doctor Lauren once she finds Vex. The doc stops her to toss over the nectar. Not a euphemism! Bo runs off. “For the record, I think you make a great couple,” Pietra simpers. Knowing better, Doctor Lauren gazes sadly after the departed Bo and sighs heavily.
Bo pursues the jerking blonde woman up a ramp and into Jackson’s Boxing Club (est. 1935). Look, I’m happy to see them on location, but that place is a sty. It makes Hilton Hovel look like, well, the Hilton. And they want us to believe Dyson chose to live there? “Bo!” Vex calls from his perch high above. “My sultry little suck face!” Heh. “Since when did you start doing The Morrigan’s dirty work?” Bo shoots back that she’s doing it since Vex and The Wanderer tricked her into being Dark Fae. “And now? You’re going to undo it!” Vex laughs at her. “The Wanderer? Ah, that’s a tall tale my mum used to tell me to stop me from fiddling with myself in public.” Yeah? What tale do they tell to stop you now?
Vex says he doesn’t have time any more for bogey men stories as he’s hitting the road. “So it’s sayonara and see ya never.” Bo snaps that she’s given her blood oath to return Vex’s bony ass to The Morrigan. Insulted, Vex shakes his leather clad posterior at her. “This is a pollllle dancer’s ass,” he trills, swinging around the pole. “So piss off!” He wields the Mesmer hand and the mesmered blonde woman grabs Bo from behind forcing her to drop the hypodermic. Bo head butts her backwards and follows up with a right cross. Guess the boxing lessons with Dyson are paying off. “Sorry in advance about the goose egg,” she offers as the blonde stumbles back, revealing she has the scimitar stashed in her back waistband. Bo picks up a nearby two by four and clocks the other woman across the face so hard she slams into a pillar. Bo hastily checks on the woman, but is grabbed up from behind by Vex whose hand is shriveled and marked with gnarly lesions. Darling, get some Gold Bond! Vex shoots the Nectar of Violet into Bo’s neck. “Oh swizzle sticks,” Bo moans as she’s goes under. Vex grimaces and cradles his rotting hand.
Bo rouses propped up on some pillows and lying on a large mattress tossed haphazard onto the floor. A large box fan blows on her and behind the mattress is a water cooler. “What was in that syringe?! Oh yes,” she chuckles groggily. “Socrates. Wait, everything’s all…pink. Why am I here? Dyson!” she calls out. Oh no. Never say this flop is supposed to be Dyson’s bedroom! Out in the ring area, Vex is heating the scimitar in a bubbling pot on a hot plate. He calls out to Bo. “Sorry love. Dyson’s out chasing his own tail. Which means you and I can like totally hang out,” he mocks. Bo groggily orders him to let her go and Vex agrees. “Oh what’s that? You can’t move?” Rotting hand cradled to his chest, Vex saunters over to the mattress. “Looks like someone go box blocked by her ex’s pointy thing,” he snarks, dropping to his knees with the scimitar pointing phallic-like at Bo. Snicker. “Look at that,” he says indicated the blade. “I made a funny.” Very much not amused, Bo corrects that he made a mistake. Ignoring this, Vex tells Bo she’s now his leverage in case he runs into any more snags getting out of Dodge. Bo slurs that he can’t leave but Vex disagrees that he must, “after I perform some necessary surgery.” He tests the sharpness of the blade and then holds it against Bo’s throat. “Perfect for slitting a succubus’s soft and lovely throat.” Dig the alliteration there, Vexy. Bo weakly tries to suck his chi but can’t even muster the faintest of blue swirly spit. “Not even a spark! Quite a cocktail that doctor cooked up.” Bo corrects that “that doctor” is (Doctor) Lauren, “and,” she adds with a dopey smile, “We’re back together.” Bo, your mad skillz of self-delusion never ceases to amaze. “She bought me a really pretty necklace. It really was just a break.” Bo, have you met Ross Geller? Vex: “If you don’t stop gushing, I swear, I’m gonna slit my own bloody throat.”
Bo suddenly remembers she’s pissed at Vex for making her join the Dark. “They’re gross! And they took (Doctor) Lauren.” You might wanna check who took whom there, Bo. “And the moon will be up soon and you really need to tell me how you and Sir Smokes A Lot trick me so I can un-join them.” Vex has heard enough. “Me, me, me! It’s not all about you, you know!” Actually, she doesn’t. “I swear I can’t get out of this town fast enough.” He stops and writhes in pain as the rot in his hand advances up his forearm.
Back at the céilidh, Kenzi is prepping her champion. “You’re a Valkyrie. All you need to do is cast doubt on her and then knee her in the ovaries!” Heh. TeenTamsin doesn’t think that sounds very nice. Kenzi points out that since TeenTamsin and Kai are both Dark Fae, there are no rules. Bruce has returned to Kai’s side in front of the DJ booth. As he leans down to say something to his master, Kai smacks him hard across the face. “It’s gonna be a bloody slug fest,” Kenzi says, seeing this. She promises a scared TeenTamsin that she’s going to be fine, “Just protect your face.” Evony slithers out to call the fight to order. “Ladies. Lords. Lickspittles.” HA! “It’s time to commence the master duel…to the death,” she trills. Someone’s clearly having a blast. She flips a coin and when it turns up tails, tells Kenzi and TeenTamsin that the challenger now gets to choose the mode of combat. “Pistols? Swords?” But TeenTamsin just wants to dance! “Okay,” Evony allows. “Dance off it is! To the death!” The crowd cheers. The DJ is already calling up the tunes. Bruce, Kenzi, and TeenTamsin all look like they’re in deep bull cacky.
Back at Jackson’s Gym, Bo is still paralyzed and groggy. Vex checks his hot plate concoction and announces it smells disgusting. “Mind you, it’s a necessary anesthetic for the self-amputation I’ll be performing.” Apparently his whole hand has to come off if he’s going to survive. “Una Mens,” he growls. “Bloody fascists.” Bo doesn’t want him to do anything drastic but Vex tells her not to worry. “This is a potent potion taught to me by a potent love once upon a time.” This of course, set Bo back to mooning over Doctor Lauren. “She didn’t do a full amputation. She just took a little break.” I am actually going to throw up in my mouth if she keeps up in this vein. Fortunately, Vex can’t stand her either. “Do you EVER shut up about her?!” Dear God, I hope so and SOON. “And now that break is over and we are back together with barely a bruise. See? Nothing drastic.” Jaysus, with all that Doctor Lauren’s done, I’d hate to see Bo’s idea of “drastic.” “Nothing permanent. Just…hmm.”
“Ew. What was that sound?” Vex sneers. Bo: “That is the song of my heart.” She asks Vex if he wants to hear it again. Only if you want my ears to keep bleeding. Vex: “Oh yeah, yeah, I’d love to!” She opens her mouth to repeat the noxious noise and Vex shoves a filthy rag in it. Thank you, Vex! At this point, I pretty much feel Bo deserves the inevitable heartbreak she’s eventually going to get from Doctor Lauren. Anyone that incapable of seeing the reality before her deserves the shock of a hard wake-up call because damn, woman!
Vex hurries back to his cauldron as it boils over. “You know what Vex, you really are an asshole,” Bo mutters around her gag. Heh. She goes on indecipherably and Vex cuts her off. “I don’t undertake this lightly, you know,” he says, serious as he indicates his rotting hand. “I’m the Last Mesmer. My kind were feared for their powers. Hunted and slaughter through the ages by all the Fae. And the manner in which they did it, well, you wanna know how?” Bo garbled: “Yeah. How?” Vex: “Their hands were cut off. Mesmers with nothing but stumps.” I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, but I’m a little unclear how the incredibly powerful Mesmer who can control people with a wave of their hands were hunted down and killed so easily. Sneak attacks? “Unable to feed, they died a slow, painful, and humiliating death.” Vex relates horribly. “I saw it happen to my entire family. My brother. My father. And my mother. I promised myself I would never let that happen to me. So I did what I had to do to survive and become what I am today.” Still gagged but entranced and affected by Vex’s recitation, Bo silently asks what is that. Vex smiles without mirth; the joke is on him in the end. He stands up and spreads his arms akimbo in self-mocking presentation. “A servant of the Dark. “ He chuckles with dark humor. “I will miss Ginger,” he admits, referring to his rotting hand. He lifts his good hand in which he clutches the scimitar. “But at least I’ll still be able to dance with Fred.” Of course Vex named his hands. Has to call them something during those intimate moments. He drops the veneer and goes off to hack at his hand while Bo manages to wiggle her fingers. A rotting Mesmer, a paralyzed succubus, and a ticking clock, and a little finger wiggle is supposed to make her happy, hmm? Though to be fair, she could’ve been mostly dead all day.
TeenTamsin loosens up for the Dance Off to the Death at the céilidh and then proceeds with the most awkward, gangly, hilarious attempt at dancing. She looks like an adolescent swan that’s not quite sure what to do with her wings. Oh dear Lawd, there’s even an air guitar move. TeenTamsin is totally into it too and even Bruce, whose fate it is that lies in the balance, attempts to get with her groove. Bless. The crowd is less receptive. Kenzi, once she stops hiding her eyes, tries to intervene and remind TeenTamsin of some of the moves they worked at Hilton Hovel in earlier episodes. For a minute or so they gyrate and twerk in tandem but then TeenTamsin goes off the rez again and Kenzi, the pro, can barely even manage to watch. TeenTamsin ends her “turn” triumphantly, all street and money, baby, but it’s a short- lived victory. Kai stalks out on to the floor and pushes TeenTamsin out of the way with a hard shot to her shoulder. Turns out Kai is the 2013 Break Dance Champion of the Dark Fae or something. She tears up the floor with such skill even TeenTamsin is drawn in and has to be quelled by Kenzi. No rooting for the other team, especially not when DEATH is on the line!
Knowing they’re toast, Kenzi whispers to TeenTamsin that now is the time for her to use her power of doubt, but TeenTamsin doesn’t think she can do it. “Just breathe through your diaphragm and clench your butt cheeks,” Kenzi advises, shoving TeenTamsin back out onto the floor. It takes a few tries but TeenTamsin finally comes up with the Black Eyes of Doubt and aims them at the still bopping Kai just as she launches forward into a front flip/roll. Under TeenTamsin’s doubt influence, Kai gets the angle wrong and hits the floor with her neck in the wrong position. There’s a low crack as her neck breaks and the crowd gasps at Kai’s now dead body spread out on the floor. In the short pause of shock, Bruce and TeenTamsin both gape at her handiwork and then applause breaks out amongst the Dark Fae, breaking the spell. Despite the fact that she was in a Dance Off to the DEATH, TeenTamsin is upset at having inadvertently killed Kai. “I think I clenched my cheeks too hard,” she confides to Kenzi.
Evony, who had been watching TeenTamsin and Kenzi’s seemingly inevitable oncoming failure will pleasure, now steps forward with the mocking slow clap. “The Valkyrie has mastered the disgraced Fae. Well done, our little blooming warrior princess,” she compliments. Guess she’s pleased with the outcome after all, given how it forced TeenTamsin to use her power. Dance music starts up again and the crowd gets into it right away as though there’s not a dead Fae lying right there. Only Evony, TeenTamsin, Kenzi, and Bruce seem to understand they’ve just been caught up in Something Major.
At Jackson’s Gym, Vex is preparing to lop off his infected appendage. He lifts a mug of the anesthetic up toward Bo. “Chin chin, love,” he toasts and then downs the noxious concoction. Bo starts getting more sensation back in her hands and legs. She makes increasing loud noises of protest. Vex sings Heave Away as he makes final prep to chop off his hand, getting increasingly weepy as he comes to the sticking point. “Come get your duds in order ‘cause we’re bound across the water. Heave away, me jollies, heave away. Come get your duds in order ’cause we’re bound to leave tomorrow. Heave my boys. We’re all bound away.” He raises the scimitar as Bo finally spits out the gag and calls his name. “I know how all alone you are right now. Out of all the places you could’ve run to hide, you came to Dyson’s because somewhere deep in that despicable black heart of yours, you wanted us to find you!” she realizes. Vex hotly denies this, but Bo ignores him. “Me and Kenzi and even Dyson. We are the only family that you have left.” Vex drops the scimitar as she’s talking and writhes with pain. “That concoction has had an adverse effect on this magic mold. It was supposed to be an anesthetic!” Bo manages to sit upright while he’s screaming. “AHHHH. Mother FATHER it burns!!” Ha! Easy. I’m not laughing at Vex; I’m laughing near him.
With renewed purpose, Vex raises the scimitar as Bo scrambles up from the mattress. “Heave away, me jollies, we’re all bound AWAY!” Vex slams down the scimitar on his wrist just as Bo grabs the rotting hand. Cradling his bloody stump, Vex screams even louder—Paul Amos is really going for broke here—and runs away. Breathing hard, Bo slowly lifts his now disconnected rotting hand. “Ugh.”
Vex runs out to the garage and pulls the tarp off a cherry red classic convertible—that he can no longer drive as he’s just cut off his shifting hand. “Oh, why didn’t I buy the right-hand drive?!” he moans. Bo runs in after him and Vex begs her not to return him to The Morrigan. “You really only care about yourself, don’t you?” Bo says. Vex: “What, and that’s bad?” Ha. Bo asks why she should help him when he won’t even tell her how she wound up pledged to the Dark. “Because I don’t know jack shit about it! I thought you were having a laugh! I thought it was the effects of the syringe! Actually, I thought it was because you were soft in the ‘ead!” he claims. HA! “Ah, no, no, and no,” Bo sneers. “I really am pledged to the Dark, I really don’t know how it happened, and I really need answers before moonrise!”
Vex wonders why she didn’t just ask The Morrigan’s archivist in the first place. “That bloke will have your details in his fingertips! Are you sure you’re not soft in the ‘ead?” HA! But Bo has finally realized The Morrigan’s been manipulating her all along. Vex asks if this means Bo is going to let him go and reminds her that if he takes him back to The Morrigan, Evony is only going to torture him to death. Bo makes a good point face. Heh. “I would hate to see that stain your lily-white conscience. Well, I’ll take the clutch and you take the stick, yeah?” he finishes with a glance at her breasts before he tosses Bo the keys.
Bo pushes her way through the double doors into Evony’s offense carrying Vex’s discarded hand in a Zip Lock bag. Heh. And eww. At ease, Evony sits at her desk and sips from a champagne flute. Bo demands they get this over with. “The moon is going to rise in minutes and I know you can tell me what’s happened.” Evony wants to know where to find Vex. “Oh, you mean the annoying brother I kinda hate, never wanted, and is half the Mesmer he used to be?” Bo snaps back. She tosses the plastic bag onto Evony’s desk. “Thanks for sending me on a wild goose chase, by the way.” Annoyed now, Evony picks up the bag and struts around the desk, dropping Vex’s hand in the dust bin along the way. She points out how she needs all of Vex in order to get rid of the Una Mens and that Bo would be doing a “real solid” for the local Fae community by bringing him in. “I won’t let you torture and kill him,” Bo says. Evony brushes her intentions for Vex aside. “Oh, honey, honey, honey! Unlike the Light Fae, we don’t hold grudges!” All Evony wants to do is get rid of the Una Mens, but she tells Bo if she feels that strongly about it, Bo can claim Vex as her responsibility. “And then it’ll be on your head to keep him in line.” That’ll make it kinda crowded over at Hilton Hovel by the sound of it. May need to get bunk beds. “You ready to put up or shut up?!” Evony asks, cutting through the bullshit. Bo agrees. “Archivist. Now.” Evony is a little surprised and pleased to hear that Bo figured it out. “I never would’ve guessed.” Bo fails to enlighten her that it was Vex who actually figured it out, but whatever. “Archivist!” Evony calls, “she’s finally getting her Dark shit together!” A central casting bald, suited intellectual enters and pulls forward the skin off his bald head with a gross squelching sound and a long, hearty groan. “Any pledge to the Dark shows up here,” Evony explains to a disgusted Bo. She gingerly takes it from the Archivist and on the underside of the skin swatch is Bo’s signature signing her allegiance to the Dark along with the Dark Fae who sponsored her: Rainer. Neither Bo nor Evony know who this Rainer is, however. Bo orders Evony to tear up the contract. “I was obviously tricked; I have no memory of signing it. The moon isn’t up yet, we still have time.” Evony laughs at her; the moon rising deadline was just another trick. “I really am trying to be more poetic these days when I lie to my friends. It makes life so much more interesting.” Snort. Bo begins to threaten her, but Evony has indulged her newest pledging enough. “You’re a subject of the Dark now and you owe me your loyalty.” She tells Bo that the contract is sacred and binding and not even The Morrigan has the power to overturn it. “Only your mystery sponsor can do that and good luck finding him, whoever he is!”
Bo glares at Evony but at this point what can she do? She retrieves Vex’s hand from the dustbin. “That’s mine,” Evony intones. Bo holds the bag full of ice and dismembered Mesmer aloft. “Come and get it,” she taunts. Evony decides that Bo can keep it. “I have new toys to entertain me,” she drawls with meaning, sliding past Bo toward the door as Doctor Lauren warily enters. Evony leaves the two women alone. Bo smiles a little but she knows something’s up. I guess they didn’t drive back together then.
Trick’s inquisition appears to be drawing to a close as The Keeper reviews the minutes kept on what looks to be a thousand-year-old version of Trick’s bio. She asks if there’s anything Trick wants to add. “Only that I hope you retain some of the soul you once had…Arabella,” he says pointedly. The Keeper/Arabella is not happy with Trick calling her out. “To know us by the names we once had before we took our solemn vows is unholy,” she says. Taking this as a not-good clue, Trick surreptitiously slips a weapon out from under the back of his vest. “I know that you turned in your own family for petty crimes when you became one of the six,” he challenges. “This is blasphemy,” Arabella accuses. Trick ignores this and demands to know how Arabella could’ve expected The Blood King to do the same. “He turned in his own daughter in order to satisfy the laws that he’d created! And what he created was cruelty.”
Trick slides a blade out from the sheath he concealed under the back of his vest as Arabella tells him he mistakes orthodoxy for cruelty. “Still. We cannot expect our candidates to be perfect.” This causes Trick to pause as she continues. “With your history, your standing, and your knowledge, you are the only choice.” They want to make Trick Acting Ash. He considers this for a moment and then sheathes his blade.
In The Morrigan’s office, Bo snarls to Doctor Lauren how much she hates Evony. “Full moon bullshit. Turns out I can’t un-Dark myself.” Doctor Lauren calmly assures her there has to be a way. Bo changes her tune to being glad to “have” Doctor Lauren “back.” “Let me take you home and we’ll wash away all this double-dealing and manipulation in let’s say a giant claw foot bathtub? Hmm?” I definitely don’t have enough booze to endure that. More practically, Bo realizes the ice keeping Vex’s rotting hand oh so fresh is going to melt very soon. Doctor Lauren keeps smiling, but Bo picks up on her disquiet and asks what’s wrong.
Doctor Lauren exhales loudly and starts the conversation that’s been brewing since they met up again. “I don’t think I can go back there. With the Light,” she says. Bo doesn’t understand. “When the Una Mens started killing humans and I ran? The Light never bothered to come looking for me.” Ah, that’s because you didn’t run from the Una Mens, who hadn’t even arrived in Faeville yet at that point. You ran from the Light and Dark Fae because you’d been experimenting and operating on them illegally, however unknowing to a point, and then stayed away because the Una Mens arrived and were going to kill you on sight for it. But, whatever. Carry on.
“The Dark, they sought me out. Offered me protection. Oh sure, they were drama queens about it. Tested me by forcing me to diagnose one of their elders but they came. When no one else did.” Bo protests that she would’ve looked for Doctor Lauren but she’s been all kidnapped on a different plane at the time. Never mind that even after Bo did get back, it’s Dyson who’s been looking for the doc, not her, but whatever. Surprisingly, Doctor Lauren already understands Bo’s absence. “You couldn’t. I know.” She seems pretty at peace about it too. “I’m not angry, Bo. With you,” she tacks on. “And with the Dark, I can come and go as I please. I’m with them on my terms. There’s no binding agreements, no dog collar. I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but for the first time Bo, I feel free.”
Bo, properly gobsmacked, has been listening to Doctor Lauren without comment until now. “But I could free you,” she insists. “We could be free together.” Doctor Lauren plays devil’s advocate and asks how with just a little bite in her voice. Bo is incredulous that she even has to explain it. “Fight for you. Protect you. Claim you if I have to.” Doctor Lauren grimaces; she knew eventually Bo would get to that option. “Yeah, you mean own me,” she says. Bo flinches, but Doctor Lauren still smiles that sad, knowing smile. She’s always been the one who sees their relationship and its reasons for failing clearly. She keeps trying to reach Bo about it, to get Bo to see their relationship realistically and not in the soft filter, glowing, slow motion fantasy with which Bo continues to insist on deluding herself. “You’re Fae,” Doctor Lauren says, not without sympathy. “I’m human.”
“So what!” Bo snaps, annoyed at not getting to take home her toy surprise. “So I’ll always be a prisoner,” Doctor Lauren snaps back. She’s already worked her way through all the stages, all the options. She knows she’s not only made the only decision she could, but that’s it’s the best decision too if only because it’s her decision alone. “The least I can do is chose my own cage.” She reaches out to pat Bo’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, Bo,” she assures her. Bo glares at the doc’s hand as she squeezes. “Now that you’re Dark, I’ll see you around.” Oh, ouch. I think icicles just formed on Bo’s shoulder from the freezing temperatures of that brush off.
Bo takes Doctor Lauren’s hand from her shoulder and lowers it very slowly. “When you’re ready to come back to your real family? Just say the word.” What real family? When have any of them been Doctor Lauren’s family? That’s the whole point! Ow. I think I just did real damage with that eye roll. Bo gathers what pride she has left and leaves Doctor Lauren in Evony’s office but, once out of sight, she takes a shaky breath and lets the tears build up in her eyes. Maybe she did get a clue after all.
At Hilton Hovel (DRINK!), Bruce sits on the floor at the foot of Kenzi’s bed while Kenzi’s does some maintenance work on her green wig. She encourages Bruce, now that he’s free, to actually go to Bora Bora this time, but Bruce remains unsure. “I’ve always been The Morrigan’s man; a killer. A protector. I can’t really do anything else.” Now, that’s not true, Brucshi. You got that shiny advanced degree in Medieval Fae Verse somehow and I doubt it was via correspondence school. Kenzi allows that it may turn out Bruce is right, but he’ll never know until he gives it a shot. “Find your wings, Brucshi,” she gently encourages. “Fly.” The camera pans over to show TeenTamsin lying on the daybed listening in and taking Kenzi’s words to heart. In the hazy background, Kenzi and Bruce high-five. Aw.
“Bring home a stray puppy? Okay,” Trick says with a large smile. “A wounded bird? Fine.” He raises a copper tub full of ice up from behind the bar at The Dal (drink!) and sets it down. In it is Vex’s discarded appendage, its middle finger raised in cocky salute. HAHAHA! That kills me. “But I never thought I’d see the day when my granddaughter would show up on my doorstep with a one-handed mesmer claiming she threw in with the Dark!” Good to see you’re taking this so well! Bo smiles wanly. Gesturing to the skin swatch on the bar before her, she prissily asks if it’s legit. Trick thinks it is. “You joined the Dark!” he agrees. “But you’re gonna help me find out how to fix this mess, right?” she quickly asks. Trick says he hopes so, “but things have gotten complicated,” he warns as he uses tongs to take ice from the hand bucket and put it into his glass. *Dying!*
Bo wants to know how this got cocked up this time. “The Una Mens need a caretaker for the Light Fae and they’ve decided to name me the Acting Ash,” he explains, somber. Bo works her way through the implications. “So my grandfather is the head of the Light?” Trick is darkly amused by their predicament. “And my granddaughter is the darling of the Dark.” He passes over her drink and they clink! “The Una Mens must be loving this,” Bo grouses. The both sip and then Trick informs her that the Una Mens don’t love and they don’t hate. “No emotions.” This doesn’t compute for Bo. “What else is there?” Oh, that just explains so much right there, doesn’t it? “Rules,” Trick says, amusement gone. “And if you don’t follow them willingly, they’ll do whatever it takes to make you and it won’t be pleasant.”
“My family is such a mess,” Bo admits miserably with a humorless, bitter laugh. Trick leans across the bar to take her hand in his. “Yet somehow, Isabeau, we muddle through,” he says with a wide, uplifting smile. Aw, I’ve missed the grandfather/granddaughter aftermath chats! Somewhat bolstered, Bo wonders about her “so-called sponsor.” Trick says there’s only one way to find out Rainer’s identity. “The King’s Book of Records.” Bo frowns. What the hell is that? Trick holds up his glass and promises her they’ll find it though he really doesn’t look too sure of that. Down in Tolkien’s Lair, the double door to Trick’s vault are wide open. The crate he stashed there has been smashed on the ground.
Styrofoam peanut packaging filler White quartz crystals spill across the floor. The basket that was within the crate is sprawled open. The seed of the Una Mens has been taken! Dun dun DUN!
In the Una Mens’ dungeon, the Archivist presents Arabella the Keeper with the succubus’s declaration, “as you commanded.” I don’t even want to know where he took that skin strip from. Hang on, does that mean there’s more than one record of a declaration since Bo has one too? “Rainer,” Arabella reads. She opens the book stationed on the stand before her. I’m going to bet that’s the King’s Book of Records. She looks up Rainer’s identity and as her finger strokes down the list of name, the script goes all swirly and wonky, but not before she reads Rainer’s true identity and freaks out. “No,” she announces. “It cannot be. Never again!” The loud growling Dyson heard on the Death Train ever time he mentioned Bo’s name sounds now throughout the Una Mens’ dungeon. Arabella looks properly terrified. So much for having no emotions.
Next Week: “Of All the Gin Joints”