Let’s face it: There is nothing average about romance heroes—least of all their manly appendages. Bigger is better, and apparently we readers like it that way (well, I assume so because we buy these books). There are times, however, that authors push the Erection Envelope, creating Mammoth Members that should probably inspire fear rather than arousal. Here are some extremely memorable heroes whose penises are actually large enough to be their own characters.
1. Horse aka “Humongously Hung” from Reaper’s Property by Joanna Wylde
Horse is a member of the Reaper’s Motorcycle Club who is interested in sweet Marie. When Marie’s brother screws over the MC, Horse has his chance to blackmail Marie into becoming his house mouse. Not too much is made of Horse’s Colossal Cock, especially since he believes that Marie won’t have any problem accepting his Great Girth. However, he certainly seems proud of himself.
“So why are you called Horse?”
“'Cause I’m hung like one,” he replied, smirking.
When Marie spies the Astronomical Anaconda, she does a double take.
“Oh my god…”
It was huge, I mean, huge. Not just long, but thick and hard and flushed bright red so it looked almost angry. It curved up, wider in the center of the shaft before narrowing under the ridge of his head.
2. Micah a.k.a “Monstrous Manroot” from Micah by Laurell K. Hamilton
Poor Micah has lived for years with the rejection and humiliation that result when women see his Wicked Wang. Fortunately, Anita is a sturdy sort who isn’t put off by Micah’s size. During a more intimate moment, he tells Anita about one of his most painful breakups.
“I was too big.”
I opened my mouth and closed it. “You mean you were too well endowed for her?”
“Oh,” I said, and thought about it. Micah was very well endowed. Not just long and wide, which I’d discovered could be a harder problem to deal with than length. There were positions you could do or modify for length. Width you just had to adjust to.
When Micah and Anita do have sex, Micah does make her bleed a bit. Anita can certainly handle it, but it is a bit off-putting.
3. Drustan MacKeltar a.k.a. “Too Ginormous for Jeans” from Kiss of the Highlander by Karen Marie Moning
Drustan MacKeltar, a powerful laird, awakens after five hundred years of slumber, saved by Gwen Cassidy. The two have a powerful connection and must find a way to return to the past to save MacKeltar’s people. But in the meantime, we learn some interesting facts about MacKeltar’s anatomy when Gwen takes him out shopping. They run into an unexpected problem with today’s clothing.
“What have you stuffed in your pants, MacKeltar?” she demanded.
“Nothing that wasn’t God-given,” he replied stiffly.
Gwen stared. “There is no way that’s part of you. You must have gotten a sock or . . . something stuck. Oh, my.” She pried her gaze from his groin. A muscle worked his jaw, and he was clearly in discomfort.
“Then find me a pair of trews that doona threaten to sever my manparts.”
Eventually, they settle on running pants because they give MacKeltar’s Substantial Size room to grow.
4. Simon de Montfort a.k.a. “Spacious Sheath” from The Dragon and the Jewel by Virginia Henley
In this medieval romance, Simon de Montfort is a Norman warrior who wins the heart of the widowed Princess Eleanor Plantagenet. There is much intrigue and political maneuvering in this story, but this pales in comparison to Simon, who has a unique problem in battle. His Well-Built Weiner gets in the way when he rides a horse. As a result, he has a special sheath that he uses to strap it down and keep it out of harm’s way.
When a wet Simon must undress in front of Eleanor, he promises her that he won’t be entirely naked.
She looked somewhat reassured at his words, but as he removed the soaked garment she stared in curious disbelief. He had not lied to her, he was not naked, but the thing he wore was worse than being nude. He wore a black leather sheath over his shaft, held in place by a strap about his narrow hips. He was such a large man he needed penile protection in battle or when he was twelve hours in the saddle.
Much like these Herculean Hammers, my analysis of them cannot be contained in one post. Stayed tuned for more Burly Bazookas that will strain the bounds of credulity.
What about you? What do you think of romance hero endowments? When do you think they get too large?