Fri
Jan 3 2014 2:15pm

Too Big for Just One Post: Enormously Endowed Romance Heroes, Part 1

Reaper's Property by Joanna WyldeLet’s face it: There is nothing average about romance heroes—least of all their manly appendages. Bigger is better, and apparently we readers like it that way (well, I assume so because we buy these books). There are times, however, that authors push the Erection Envelope, creating Mammoth Members that should probably inspire fear rather than arousal. Here are some extremely memorable heroes whose penises are actually large enough to be their own characters.

1. Horse aka “Humongously Hung” from Reaper’s Property by Joanna Wylde

Horse is a member of the Reaper’s Motorcycle Club who is interested in sweet Marie. When Marie’s brother screws over the MC, Horse has his chance to blackmail Marie into becoming his house mouse. Not too much is made of Horse’s Colossal Cock, especially since he believes that Marie won’t have any problem accepting his Great Girth. However, he certainly seems proud of himself.

So why are you called Horse?”

“'Cause I’m hung like one,” he replied, smirking.

When Marie spies the Astronomical Anaconda, she does a double take.

“Oh my god…”

It was huge, I mean, huge. Not just long, but thick and hard and flushed bright red so it looked almost angry. It curved up, wider in the center of the shaft before narrowing under the ridge of his head.

Micah by Laurell K. Hamilton2. Micah a.k.a “Monstrous Manroot” from Micah by Laurell K. Hamilton

Poor Micah has lived for years with the rejection and humiliation that result when women see his Wicked Wang. Fortunately, Anita is a sturdy sort who isn’t put off by Micah’s size. During a more intimate moment, he tells Anita about one of his most painful breakups.

“I was too big.”

I opened my mouth and closed it. “You mean you were too well endowed for her?”

He nodded.

…….

“Oh,” I said, and thought about it. Micah was very well endowed. Not just long and wide, which I’d discovered could be a harder problem to deal with than length. There were positions you could do or modify for length. Width you just had to adjust to.

When Micah and Anita do have sex, Micah does make her bleed a bit. Anita can certainly handle it, but it is a bit off-putting.

3. Drustan MacKeltar a.k.a. “Too Ginormous for Jeans” from Kiss of the Highlander by Karen Marie Moning

Drustan MacKeltar, a powerful laird, awakens after five hundred years of slumber, saved by Gwen Cassidy. The two have a powerful connection and must find a way to return to the past to save MacKeltar’s people. But in the meantime, we learn some interesting facts about MacKeltar’s anatomy when Gwen takes him out shopping. They run into an unexpected problem with today’s clothing.

“What have you stuffed in your pants, MacKeltar?” she demanded.

“Nothing that wasn’t God-given,” he replied stiffly.

Gwen stared. “There is no way that’s part of you. You must have gotten a sock or . . . something stuck. Oh, my.” She pried her gaze from his groin. A muscle worked his jaw, and he was clearly in discomfort.

“Then find me a pair of trews that doona threaten to sever my manparts.”

Eventually, they settle on running pants because they give MacKeltar’s Substantial Size room to grow.

The Dragon and the Jewel by Virginia Henley4. Simon de Montfort a.k.a. “Spacious Sheath” from The Dragon and the Jewel by Virginia Henley

In this medieval romance, Simon de Montfort is a Norman warrior who wins the heart of the widowed Princess Eleanor Plantagenet. There is much intrigue and political maneuvering in this story, but this pales in comparison to Simon, who has a unique problem in battle. His Well-Built Weiner gets in the way when he rides a horse. As a result, he has a special sheath that he uses to strap it down and keep it out of harm’s way.

When a wet Simon must undress in front of Eleanor, he promises her that he won’t be entirely naked.

She looked somewhat reassured at his words, but as he removed the soaked garment she stared in curious disbelief. He had not lied to her, he was not naked, but the thing he wore was worse than being nude. He wore a black leather sheath over his shaft, held in place by a strap about his narrow hips. He was such a large man he needed penile protection in battle or when he was twelve hours in the saddle.

Much like these Herculean Hammers, my analysis of them cannot be contained in one post. Stayed tuned for more Burly Bazookas that will strain the bounds of credulity.

What about you? What do you think of romance hero endowments? When do you think they get too large?

 


Jennifer Porter, a mild-mannered librarian by day, runs the review site Romance Novel News and is a compulsive romance reader. She has a tendency to live tweet her craziest reads as @JenniferRNN

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20 comments
Megan Frampton
1. MFrampton
I read the Kiss of the Highlander, and now that you remind me, I do remember that scene--and yet, it didn't strike me as incredible that a pair of jeans wouldn't fit his manhood. Shows how much I go along with whatever the author is selling (and she sold it!)
Nicole Neal
2. icecharm
I'm at work and I am doing my best not to giggle at the nicknames for penis.
Kara
3. keen23
Oh Virginia Henley. She was an early find for me. I believe she also had a hero who was "curved like a scimitar" and aptly, his lover was his "scimitar sheath"
JenniferPorter
4. JenniferPorter
@keen23 LOL! It is a known fact that in hetero romance true love is achieved when his sword fits her sheath.

@icecharm I don't even want to confess how long it took me to come up with them all!!!
Viorica Britton
5. Viorica Britton
I ... oh my. I am helpless with laughter. Well played, madam!
Sofia Altaf
6. Salt
I remember reading Lisa Valdez hisorical romance 'Passion' and the hero was so large that when they had sex he was 'knocking at her cervix for entry' *Gulp*
Viorica Britton
8. JacquiC
I am also giggling at work as I read this. I remember the Virginia Henley from when I was first reading romance. I was 16 at the time and I was wide-eyed at the description you cited (and not necessarily in a good way...)
Viorica Britton
9. Katafer
Hysterical! Anxiously awaiting Part II. That is all. :-)
Viorica Britton
10. JBrock23
Zsadist from Lover Awakened should totally be on this list. I believe he even refers to his member as "it" like a separate entity unto itself.
Punya H. Rashid
11. punya
"hung heroes"... and of course I had to be here. :D

The list sounds great, I've read only the KMM's book and I remember that scene vividly. It had me wide-eyed, with a naughty grin on my face.

I was expecting Lisa Valdez's Passion... will wait to read Part 2 because that book absoutely should be on this list. Passion was mind-blowing and numbing at the same time cause it was tough for me to imagine........ well, anyone who read it should know. Come to think of it, this is supposed to be a common theme in LV's novels, so Patience should also fit in... somewhat. I think... lol

Punya,
http://punyareviews.blogspot.com/
Punya H. Rashid
12. punya
"hung heroes"... and of course I had to be here. :D

The list sounds great, I've read only KMM's book and I remember that scene vividly. It had me wide-eyed, with a naughty grin on my face.

I was expecting Lisa Valdez's Passion... will wait to read Part 2 because that book absoutely should be on this list. Passion was mind-blowing and numbing at the same time cause it was tough for me to imagine........ well, anyone who read it should know. Come to think of it, this is supposed to be a common theme in LV's novels, so Patience should also fit in... somewhat. I think... lol

Punya,
http://punyareviews.blogspot.com/
Viorica Britton
13. Helva715
I believe that while certainly well-endowed, as all the Brothers are, Zhadist referred to his penis as "it" as he was ashamed of this part of himself as that was all that was of value while a being a blood slave, being raped and used by his sadistic owner and her friends.
JenniferPorter
14. JenniferPorter
Sadly, I couldn't fit ALL the well-hung heroes into two posts. You will have to wait and see if Passion makes it into Part 2. Although, how could it not??? :)
Nicole Leapheart
15. BoxyFrown
Astronomical Anaconda should be trademarked.Haha!
I can't wait for the follow up to Joanna Wylde's MC series. Horse was something else!
Viorica Britton
16. stacymd2
I couldn't stop laughing as I read this. I now have to check out these novels on Amazon.

When writers do this I can't picture the monster dong they are describing. It pulls me out of the moment. I prefer to use my imagination for every aspect of my heroes.

Erotic novelists are the worst with this. Every penis is the length and girth of Florida.

This was a very entertaining post Jennifer. I'm looking forward to reading Part II.
Jen B.
17. jepeb@verizon.net
Oh my, how I laughed while reading this. When I read the KMM story, I loved Daegus so much that I didn't pay much attention to his size. I have read a few books where the size description stops me in my tracks. I mean, at some point the man part would be so large as to be unwieldy and dangerous (to the owner and the user)! Can't wait for part 2 of the list.
Lori McWilliams
18. nightmusic
I've never read a story in which a man's parts were described as small or average, so I suppose we'll keep reading big, bigger, and better.
Viorica Britton
19. LynnB
I have waffled back and forth between laughing and wincing in pain. Some of these descriptions...ouch! Can't wait for Part II.
Viorica Britton
20. joyofbean
Still laughing about this post. Well done and I'm looking forward to part 2. I am always taken out of the story when descriptions get too graphic. I remember reading once about his girth being compared to the size of her wrist and I literally stopped reading and held my hand out and said, "really - that doesn't even sound comfortable."
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