We're delighted to once again bring you recaps of Lost Girl, now airing its fourth season in the United States. Don't forget to check into all our Lost Girl coverage, but be warned there are discussion posts for later episodes (we've been talking about the show as it airs in Canada) that contain SPOILERS. Thanks, and please weigh in with your comments!
This post contains spoilers for all aired episodes of Lost Girl, including last night’s 4x02, “Sleeping Beauty School."
Trick crouches above an open grate in the floor of Tolkien’s Lair and gazes down at the snapshot of Bo from (Dis)Members that he’s presumably obtained from the now-absent Aoife. Where did Aoife go again? Is she beneath that grate, maybe down with the UnderFae who didn’t survive its
YDawning who Trick keeps beneath the Dal? Perhaps she’s sharing a room with Trick’s troll? Memory restored, Trick speaks to the photo as he wipes something from the photo with a rag. “We remember you, Bo. And we need you back. So please, my darling granddaughter, just tell us: Where are you?” Does he expect the photo to talk back? That would be a neat trick. Heh. Sometimes the puns write themselves. The camera zeroes in to show the blood smears on the photo. Aoife’s blood? Must be.
A motorcycle rumbles as Dyson kicks down the kick stand of his bike and removes his helmet. Dyson back on his bike. Imma gonna need a moment. Okay. I’m good. He’s back at the Thelma and Louise spot to look again for Tamsin, this time with full memory restoration of Bo. He glances over the cliff at the empty shore from which the truck was presumably long-since towed. He inhales deeply but, like all the other times he’s come here since the crash, Dyson can neither smell nor see any sign of his lost, one-time partner. He flashes back on the crash again, complete with brief dialogue with an unseen Tamsin and wolfs out before the car goes boom. Back in the present, Dyson hears a
Who noise in the brush. He strides over and sniffs around and then in what he probably thinks is his “nonthreatening” voice, tells whoever is hiding to come on out. “I’m not going to hurt you.” He reaches blindly into the brush and is rewarded when the unseen being bites him. He glances at the teeth marks and scoffs. “I’m still not going to hurt you…much.” He lifts a struggling wild child from the brush. A blonde wild child dressed only in a torn and filthy shirt. She growls at Dyson as he repeats that he’s not going to hurt her.
At Hilton Hovel, Kenzi is setting Bo’s room up with treats and trinkets for her bestie’s return. Guilty conscience much, Kenz? She lists some of the better items. “You’ve got champagne, chocolate—both lube and actual chocolate!—and I got a lead on some Victoria Secrets models…,” she singsongs. She crouches at the foot of the bed and clarifies in a whisper that they’re runway versions. “Angel quality.” “Kenz,” Dyson calls gently from the doorway of Bo’s bedroom. “What are you doin’?” Incidentally, this week’s vest looks like it was decorated with those silver balls some people put on cakes. I don’t like it, but I do have a sudden urge to smear him with frosting...A tad frantic, Kenzi exclaims she got Bo’s favorite stuff. “Silk Rope. Blindfolds. Corn dogs.” You know, I’m so glad this show doesn’t present Bo’s best friend as thinking Bo’s only and best quality is her sexuality. Some shows might present Bo’s biological need for sex as the definition of her very essence to the point of superseding all other aspects of Bo’s personality and values, but not Lost Girl! Yes, that was sarcasm. Was I too subtle again? Dang.
Dyson not unkindly reminds Kenzi they haven’t located Bo yet. Clutching Bo’s kimono, Kenzi drops on the trunk at the end of the bed and insists it’s only a matter of time before they do, but it’s clear she’s less than convinced. She asks if Dyson had any luck at Taft’s observatory and Dyson has to admit that there’s nothing there. “No scent. It’s completely gone.” When Kenzi asks about Trick or Hale, Dyson reminds her Hale is monitoring Bo’s credit cards and phone and Trick’s mining his contacts in the underground but so far no joy for either. Kenzi jumps up to lay out Bo’s kimono, most recently worn by memory-free Kenzi when she was macking on Dyson, and decides that it’s not like Bo disappeared into nothing. Ah, actually, she did, Kenz, but more on that later. “I’m sure she’s just super pumped from super sucking to death whatever ass fart took her.” Dyson humors her and says she’s probably right. “’Course I am,” Kenzi says. She leans against one of the bed’s pillars. “D, please tell me we have a lead,” she finally pleads tearfully. Dyson grimaces. “Why don’t you come downstairs?” he suggests and leads the way.
“Oh my God, it’s Mini-Me,” Kenzi exclaims as they enter the common room and she spots Wild Child sitting on the kitchen table eating and dressed in one of Kenzi’s shirts and skull decorated arm sleeves. Kenzi asks who she is and Dyson tells her how he found Wild Child at the site. Kenzi: “Do you think she saw the crash?” Dyson: “I think she was in the crash.”
Kenzi: “You’ve gots to be shitting me.” Wild Child gives them both a cheeky finger waggle. “Valkyries have many lives,” Dyson reminds her. Kenzi whispers that she figured Tamsin would be more…cloney. Dyson, serious again, expositions how Tamsin was the last person to see Bo, “and in the truck, she said something about Bo’s father.” Shocked, Kenzi remarks how Bo doesn’t even know anything about her father and Dyson suggests that maybe Tamsin does. Kenzi is ready to go all interrogation on KidTamsin to find out who she is for real but, as KidTamsin picks up a butcher knife and starts to smile, Dyson cautions they don’t want to frighten the girl. “She might lash out.” Kenzi whispers that if KidTamsin is Tamsin, she did try to kill Dyson. Dyson: “There is that. But she might not be Tamsin.” KidTamsin tells them to “peace out, losers. Imma go play,” and expertly throws the knife to lodge into Hilton Hovel’s wall. Watch it, kid! She hops off the table and sashays past Kenzi and Dyson. “Later,” she quips en route to the couch. Dyson and Kenzi smile at one another in relief. “It’s Tamsin.” KidTamsin flops down on the couch next to Dyson’s leather jacket. In its pocket, his smartphone (finally, he upgraded!) vibrates with an incoming call from a blocked number. Cut to…
Doctor Lauren?! At Ronny’s Diner, Doctor Lauren hangs on to the other end of that call. Still in the terrible red wing (the bangs alone!), the doc swears and bangs the phone down. Interesting that, the moment she regains her memory, Doctor Lauren immediately calls the guy on whom she operated and experimented against his will in a secret evil lab the last time she saw him. Sweet. Crystal comes up behind the doc, startling her, but the moment she puts her hands on Doctor Lauren’s shoulders, the doc jumps a mile. She reassures Crystal that she’s fine. “If you ever need anything,” Crystal offers, reaching out to
feel her up adjust the AMBER nametag on Doctor Lauren’s chest. “Thanks, I don’t,” the doc replies curtly. She stalks away from the hurt Crystal who stares after her. Incidentally, the song playing over this scene is “She’s a Goddess,” by Lost Girl’s own Rick Howland aka Trick. Coolio.
Speaking of Trick…
Back at Hilton Hovel, Dyson studies KidTamsin as the wild child plays a video game on Kenzi’s phone. “So she can’t give us any information,” he calls out. Emerging from the back hallway, Trick expositions that when Valkyries are reborn, “their memories come back slow and scattered.” Now Trick’s vest is embroidered red brocade that looks smashing. Is it me or does there look to be a whole lot more equipment boxes pushed up against the wall there? Kenzi eyes KidTamsin with bitter envy. “And apparently their hair full and lustrous,” she snarks. Trick warns that at this age, Valkyries are vulnerable and valuable, but Dyson is more interested in being reassured that Tamsin’s memories will come back, eventually, specifically those involving Bo. “Valkyries deal in the souls of the dead,” Trick explains. “They see so much carnage in one lifetime that sometimes they repress those memories in the next.” That’s…not really an answer there, Trickster. Though it is a tidy loophole for the writers! “Shit,” Dyson mutters. Yup, exactly. Kenzi chides him for language in front of the kid who demands Kenzi reset the game for her, but then agrees “C’est trés poopy. She was the last one who saw Bo!”
Trick’s been wandering around Hilton Hovel all this while and now as he moves to open the door, the knob comes off in his hand. Not like that! “This place is a death trap,” he declares. Kenzi: “Remind me to have that embroidered on a pillow.” KidTamsin demands Kenzi reset the game again. Trick chides that he’s seen duck ponds with better security. Hey! Stop ranking on Hilton Hovel! “How have you still alive?!” he jokes badly with a laugh in his voice. Dyson eyes Kenzi who sighs heavily. That would be Bo who’s kept her alive, Grandpa. Trick rummages through the crate that was in Tolkien’s Lair in the last episode, the one where The Wanderer card featuring Bo is stored. There’s also the sketch he whinged over in S3E12 that supposedly represents Bo’s father, a bunch of scrolls and a bellows cramp along with other trinkets I’m sure have Important Meaning. Guess he’s storing stuff in Hilton Hovel now? So much for the duck pond.
Gotta say, it’s a relief to see Dyson and Kenzi effortlessly resume their brother/sister vibe. They don’t even seem to have to work for it, just slide back into who they are to each other when not jerked around by a spell. I suspect they’ll be more fallout once Bo is home and there should be. At the moment, I’d bet they’re ignoring any lingering weirdness to focus on the more important shit around them, but seeing them be them together again this way is lovely.
Dyson asks Trick, who is still bent over rummaging through the crate, if Tamsin is really their last chance of finding Bo. “There is one other way,” Trick allows but Dyson can now see the two deep, unbandaged slashes on the back of Trick’s forearm. “What happened to your arm?” he asks. Trick springs up turns around, effectively hiding his wound. “We need a certain directional device,” he says ignoring Dyson’s question. He means the compass that Kenzi left behind at Engelram’s. “Oh,” Kenzi chirps innocently as she reaches into her bag. “This bad boy?” She holds up the compass in question. “Kenzi,” Dyson teases with affection as Trick claims the compass. “You little thief.”
Trick asks if anyone’s seen his Armillary Sphere. This prompts Kenzi to say she has things to do while the guys figure out their next move, but Dyson holds her up at the pass on her way out the door. He tells her she’s not going anywhere. “This,” Kenzi snits with a flair of her hand around her face, “does not babysit.” KidTamsin calls out for Kenzi to reset the game again. “Could’ve fooled me,” Dyson teases. “It’s about yea big,” Trick continues miming the size of the sphere, “encrusted with rubies. Hard to miss.” Kenzi resets the game for KidTamsin and allows that she just educating the child in the ways of internet hilarity. “Watching an animated bear dance to Gangnum Style is just a basic life necessity.” She tries to push past Dyson again who, again, physically holds her back. “Well, you can continue educating her in the basic necessities and keep her safe.” He insists he and Hale will find Bo. Kenzi: “Hells no!” Dyson: “Language.” KidTamsin: “Again!” Heh. The rhythm of that exchange was perfect.
In a snit, Kenzi again resets the bear dancing. “Dyson,” she warns. “Kenzi,” he replies in kind, “this is not a discussion.” Kenzi shouts that he has to let her go and to just get out of her way while Dyson yells over her that she is not going out there because “they” are looking for her and KidTamsin screams for Kenzi to reset the game again, again, AGAIN. “QUIET!” Dad Trick yells over them all. He holds up the now open compass effectively stunning them all into silence. Kenzi is the first to break it. “Do you know where Bo is?!” Trick: “I know where she’s not because according to this compass, she’s no longer on this physical plane.” Dun, dun, DUN.
Kenzi, Dyson, and Trick all exchange frightened looks. Unperturbed, KidTamsin holds out the phone: “Again!”
In a dark room lit only with an orange gel (what else is there on Lost Girl?) Bo sleeps on a luxurious bed. BO! She’s back! She’s wearing the ornate, diaphanous nightgown in which she ran through the woods in the season four trailer. Guess that wasn’t meant to be metaphoric after all. There’s the rattling sound of a moving vehicle around her. She wakes, frowns, and calls out “hello?” When she sits up, everything around her, including her head spins. Not literally; this isn’t True Blood. “Not spinning; moving,” she corrects when she gets a good look at the train car in which she’s sleeping. “Moving?” She gets up and goes to look out the window, but there’s only blackness beyond. The train is moving through a world of sheer black. “Oh,” she gasps. “Shit.”
Down in Tolkien’s Lair, Dyson demands Trick tell him what happened earlier. “I could spell Aoife’s blood on you.” Trick admits Aoife was wounded by his hand. “When the spell was broken and we remembered Bo, there was joy! But for Aoife, there was only the memory of losing her child and she was driven back to insanity.” Pretty sure she remembered your betrayal too there, Trickster. Probably didn’t help. He grimaces and Dyson offers condolence. Trick insists Bo must never find out. Oh come on, really? We’re just gonna wave away three seasons of character and relationship development and regress to the “let’s not tell Bo,” stupidity of season one? “There’s a lot of things Bo must never find out,” Dyson agrees. Guess so. Nifty. Like this isn’t gonna come back to bite them.
They discuss what trackers might be available to help Dyson locate Bo. “Helios has retired. Moldavia is in prison. There’s Ebisu, but he’s an idiot.” Heh. Trick decides there’s only one person who can transverse the intersecting planes of existence. “Endymion?” Dyson concludes with skepticism. “He’s legendary.” By the look on his face, this is not a good legend. Trick says Endymion has also been elusive for the last 800 years and only one Fae might be able to tell them where to find him. He holds up a card from his Faelodex. “Selene, his ex. She owns a salon.” Trick hands Dyson the card and Dyson strides off, but stops as the sound of tortured screams comes from the vicinity of The Dal upstairs. Trick and Dyson both crane their necks upwards. “The Una Mens,” Trick sighs unhappily. Dyson is surprised to hear they’re at The Dal as he thought they’d set up base at The Ash’s compound. Trick explains they’re pulling in people for “interviews.” He even uses the finger quotes, which, hee. “Restoring order is a messy business.”
Torture. Death. Manhunts. Pain.” He smiles without humor. “The usu.” I guess even when the Una Mens snatch people from The Dal, it’s a painful experience.
In a cave dripping with stalagmites that looks nothing like the tap room of The Dal, really scary looking knives wait at the foot of a table on which is strapped—VEX!! A very naked Vex too. So did Hale turn Vex over to the Una Mens after they all got their memories back at the party? That seems unlikely. Maybe it was Vex who Dyson and Trick heard screaming as the Una Mens snatched him from The Dal? Eh, whatever. Plot hole drink!
Vex is strapped into a torture device called the “scavenger’s daughter.” Imagine that Google search. Yes, Paul Amos was actually strapped into an authentic one for this scene. Click the link and marvel at the man’s commitment to his craft for being game on that one. But then, he did go to LAMDA…
Naked but for the studded leather codpiece he wore to Engleram’s party, Vex bleeds and trembles in the device. A woman approaches—say, it’s Christine Horne! Oh, I like her. Her facial features are so distinct and intriguing. I could stare at them for hours. That’s not creepy, right? Anyway, The Keeper (for so she is named on IMDB) approaches Vex with a removed if puzzled expression. She asks if “this” is what pain looks like. Vex: “No, this is a spa weekend in St. Lucia.” Another of the Una Mens approaches as though to continue the torture and Vex screams “No please! No more!” Unmoved, The Keeper demands to know what Vex has done with “The Morrigan’s” body, so I guess they don’t recognize Vex as holding that position. Vex confesses Evony was imprisoned behind the portrait above his desk but somehow managed to escape. “That wicked wench is toying with me! She’s not dead! She’s missing!” The Keeper isn’t buying it. “She is dead. She is missing. One of those things is a lie or both.” Vex grits out that the “evil little tart is very irritatingly alive. I swear on the graves of my family.” The Keeper notes it was the Una Mens’ mistake not to count Vex among those graves. “This life gives too much power to the Last Mesmer.” Is that anything like The Last Starfighter? Hang on, the Una Mens killed all of Vex’s family and left only him alive? Oh, there’s a story.
“You are but waste,” The Keeper says to Vex. She looks at her companion who we now see is missing his right eye. He is also one of the monks who moved the Rasket in the warehouse in the season premiere. One-Eye moves to a wall where hang two clay masks one labeled LAST MESMER and next to it, another labeled HUMAN DOCTOR. Incidentally, they both look exactly like Vex and Doctor Lauren. Creepy. Vex begs for his life as the One-Eye returns with the LAST MESMER mask and a large knife and moves to cut off Vex’s face? It’s unclear what horror was about to happen because One-Eye stops when Vex screams, “NO, NO, WAIT!” He promises to give them what they want and The Keeper is interested. “Not Evony,” Vex caveats. The Keeper: “Not interested.” Vex swears it’s someone infinitely more valuable. “Why would I give you a crazy bitch when I could give you her?”
With his head, he gestures toward another mask. The camera skims past CLAIMED HUMAN, who I don’t recognize (anyone?), and HUMAN TERRORIST who is clearly Kenzi (gulp), and stops on a sign that reads UNALIGNED SUCCUBUS but without showing the actual mask itself, only its mouth. The sign is, incidentally, right before HUMAN DOCTOR. So, in order now, right to left, CLAIMED HUMAN (unknown), HUMAN TERRORIST (Kenzi), UNALIGNED SUCCUBUS (seems obvious, but debatably Bo or Aoife), HUMAN DOCTOR (duh), and LAST MESMER (again, duh). Yeesh, these Una Mens are just all party, party, party, aren’t they? The Keeper deems Vex’s proposed exchange as acceptable and releases him, “with one minor adjustment.” Brandishing a pair of tongs, the monk removes a parasite from behind Vex’s ear, one that looks suspiciously like the one Evony incubated on Vex in season three’s Confaegion just before it made Dyson, Bo, and Tamsin behave like teenagers. The monk forces it down the screaming Vex’s throat.
Over at a strip mall, Dyson and Hale enter Selene’s Beauty School
Dropout. The blonde hostess greets them; I gather she’s Selene although once again nobody’s bothered to name her outright for sure. “What can I help you with? Mani/pedi? Chest wax? Polish your badges?” she quips. The guys are in no mood and Dyson tells her they’re looking for someone. “Aren’t we all, darling,” the blonde drawls. Heh. Hale says it’s a blast from the past. “Endymion.” The blonde is delighted. “Eddie?! Oh my Rod Stewart, it’s been years.” Heh. Coming from a blonde woman makes that line even funnier. Dyson is very serious when he says they need her to tell them what she knows about “Eddie.” Selene insists on pleasure before business. “Something tells me those unruly curls aren’t going to manage themselves.” Wary, Dyson looks back at Hale and nods as Selene pulls him away. Hale leans over the counter and starts to get into the computer when he’s stopped by none other than Clio, the annoying nymph from Engleram’s party. She snatches the hat from Hale’s head—I’ve so missed the hat! —and playfully chides that they don’t usually allow the customers to make their own appointments. She cuts Hale’s stumbling explanation off to say she knows he’s looking for Eddie and asks what Hale wants with him and what in the name of sanity does she have on her shoulders?! Are those…placards? Hale claims he’s on police business, but Clio cuts through the bull to warn that Selene is only going to string Hale and Dyson along for kicks and not tell them shit. She tells Hale to go and see Astrid and writes a message on Hale’s hand for him to give her. Hale frowns as he studies the message. “This is Hindi,” he points out. He asks for Clio’s name but when he looks up, she’s gone and Hale’s hat is on the counter.
Hale ambles from the desk and off in the direction Clio indicated. Dyson emerges from the back room where Selene took him, futzing with his hair and not looking like he had a good time. He catches up to Hale and asks if he got anything; Hale says he got a lead. Dyson: “Good, all I got was a head massage.” Nope. Too easy.
Back at Hilton Hovel, Kenzi sniffs some of the lube she set up for Bo. KidTamsin pops up next to the trunk and asks if Dyson is Kenzi’s boyfriend. “Nyet!” Kenzi strongly denies. KidTamsin grabs a large lollipop from the candy basket and asks if Kenzi has a boyfriend. “Negative. Men are stupid.” Frequently, yes, bless them. KidTamsin won’t let it go and asks if Kenzi has ever had a boyfriend. Kenzi: “With this bod? Helllllll—heck yeah.” KidTamsin wants to know why Kenzi and Nate (it has to be Nate) broke up and Kenzi tries to fob her off with “it’s complicated” but when KidTamsin asks if Kenzi didn’t love Nate anymore, she goes off on a revealing mini-rant. “I know, right. You’d think that love is gonna be the ultimate and then you realize it means giving up more than you knew and you make this decision and it kicks you in the friggin’ box and leaves you wondering if it’s ever worth loving again!” She pounds the pillows on Bo’s bed as she says that last bit. “Or whatever.” Not sure it’s loving Nate that Kenzi’s having issues with at this point.
KidTamsin next asks about Hale. “He’s a friend,” Kenzi stutters. “A cop. A cop friend.” But KidTamsin has already moved on to look into the bowl of goodies next to Bo’s bed. “What’s a condom?” Kenzi hurries over to arrest KidTamsin’s early sex education via succubus sex toys before it can get started but the giggling brat instead runs over to rifle through Bo’s weapons trunk. Kenzi reprimands her not to look at or touch Bo’s stuff while KidTamsin dances in place. “What are you doing? Why are you vibrating? Is that a Valkyrie thing?” Kenzi asks with increasing franticness. KidTamsin whispers that she has to pee. Kenzi: “I don’t need to, like, be there for that, do I?” They bitch to each other over the idea and “ugh!” one another as KidTamsin stomps away. Kenzi is straightening Bo’s bed, again, when a noise from the bathroom brings her around. She hurries in to find KidTamsin scooping her Fae Fairy Cream into the toilet. When she yells at KidTamsin, the brat drops the entire canister into the loo. This, I think, is Kenzi’s equivalent of Amy burning Jo’s manuscript. Kenzi: “What are you doing? I need that to be Fae! It was my only hope!” KidTamsin starts to cry. Oh please. This is why I don’t have kids. Okay, one of the reasons why I don’t have kids, though I am a fantastic fake aunt. Kenzi comforts KidTamsin. “It’s all my fault. Stupid Kenzi. It’s just that the cream; it’s my disguise!” I do not like Kenzi calling herself stupid especially when the brat’s the one who majorly screwed up. Kenzi explains the cream is magic and offers to show it to KidTamsin. She stands and, incapable of not putting on a show even in these circumstances, announces to “little girls and Valkyries” that she presents “the Rrrrrrrrussian magic of Kenzlana!” She flairs her hands and uses the last of her fake Fae juju to entertain a now giggling KidTamsin who applauds and, not surprisingly, demands Kenzi do it again. “Sorry kid,” Kenzi frets. “Can’t do it. No cream, no gleam.” They go downstairs to make cookies.
In an Indian-themed boudoir, Hale is getting his palm read by Astrid as sitar music plays on the soundtrack. “The woman who wrote that doesn’t want you to find him (Eddie). She wants your memories erased.” Dyson: “Well, there‘s a lot of that going around.” Astrid scoffs and draws out a stick of incense. She begins to make a potion as she observes that both “the blonde one” and Hale are frustrated. “You seek a hunter,” she says to Dyson. “And you seek the courage to hunt,” she adds to Hale. Brow furrowed Dyson looks at Hale who squirms on his pillow and claims he doesn’t know what Astrid is talking about. “I don’t talk; I cannot talk,” she states and unhooks her scarf to reveal she has no mouth. Hale immediately knows her species. “An astomi,” he says with reverence and bows his head. “It’s a pleasure.” It’s good to see Hale taking the lead here. Astrid is just as pleased to meet Hale and Dyson. “For one who gets her sustenance from the scents around her, you two are a tasty treat.” I’ll bet. Dyson wants to know why Astrid didn’t erase their memories. Astrid explains she’s been perfuming Selene’s creams and shampoos for years. “The women who work there are evil incarnate. Twelve years later and the perm they gave me still hasn’t grown out.” Yeah, we all lived through the ‘80s, darling. Hale asks if Astrid will help them and she says it would be her pleasure to do so. I like this woman! She hands Dyson an atomizer and identifies that it holds one kiss. “Only one moment will be its match.” Dyson doesn’t quite understand but Astrid promises he will get what he needs. She hands over the bottle as Dyson stands. By the frowny expression on his face, Dyson doesn’t look like he’s sure what’s going on or whether they can trust Astrid but it’s not like he has a choice. As Hale gets his feet under him, Astrid anoints his forehead. “For your frustrations. Go to the one you love.”
Upstairs, all the scantily-clad, leggy Beauty School
dropouts students are dancing around the salon, giggling (natch), using feather dusters on the UV lights, and generally being a wet dream come to life for any and all so inclined. They clear a path for Hale and Dyson and I want to make a parting of the Red Sea crack here but everything I’m coming up with is really filthy and beneath me. Hale drawls that he’s had several fantasies that started exactly like this scene. Dyson looks around but he seems more wary than interested. Clio eases into view behind them and scoffs that the guys really shouldn’t have come back. Pissed, Hale accuses her of lying to him and Dyson decides it’s time for her to answer some questions, but Clio merely smiles. I really don’t like that woman or her ridiculous blouse. You could fly to Guam with those sleeves.
“Girls,” Clio calls out still smiling. “It’s feeding time. And guess who’s coming to dinner!” So now the hot women are going to eat the virile men. That’s not a metaphor at all. The women put down their…dusters…and surround Hale and Dyson. The ones not wielding various salon tools as weapons have elongated their fingers into needle-like claws. “So in this fantasy of yours, were all the girls carrying pokey things?” Dyson asks Hale. Hale: “Nope. There was only one pokey thing. And it was mine.” Actually, it’s soon to be Kenzi’s.
Dyson and Hale are back to back as the ladies move into attack. All of a sudden, the girls get a good whiff of Hale and, that fast they do become his fantasy, getting in close to feel him up as their claws retract. Girl One: “He’s snackilicious!” Girl Two: “He smells like cupcakes.” Girl Three: “And fresh laundry.” Girl Four: “And Jon Hamm!” Hahaha! You know that man smells gooood. They shove a confused Dyson out of the circle in their fervor to get to Hale. Wolf’s not used to being cast aside for another. Kinda cracks me up. “What did Astrid do to us?!” Hale calls to Dyson. “Not us; you,” Dyson replies growing amused. “I’m hungry,” one of the girls announces. Dyson reminds his partner he’s got to go as Hale sinks down beneath all the lovin’. “Yeah, go find Selene. Find Eddie. Do what you have to do,” Hale agrees. “I owe you one!” Dyson calls back as he leaves. “You owe me like 50!” Hale calls back from the bottom of the pile. Heh. I have missed them!
Kenzi makes cookies at Hilton Hovel while KidTamsin watches. Her hair, by the way, has become more styled with each scene. She asks that if Kenzi and Bo live together does that mean they love one another and Kenzi totally agrees. “But strictly BFFs,” she clarifies. She offers KidTamsin a taste of the batter. Going by KidTamsin’s grimace, it tastes awful. She asks Kenzi what BFF means as she walks across the table to deliberately lay the wooden spoon with batter still on it on the floor next to one of Trick’s small chests. Kenzi explains BFF is when two people would do anything for each other and always have each other’s backs. “If one’s in trouble, the other gets them out…if one’s sad, the other puts on sparkly eye makeup and takes them out dancing. If one’s missing, the other has even a tiniest inkling of where they are.” KidTamsin helpfully reminds Kenzi that she doesn’t know where Bo is. Kenzi: “I know. I suck.”
KidTamsin rifles through Trick’s crate. She grabs The Wanderer’s tarot card and screams when it ignites in her hand. Kenzi rushes over when she sees the flames and gets a good glimpse of the card. “Holy dildos! Is that Bo?!” HA! KidTamsin screams “it’s getting worse!” while Kenzi tries to put out the fire, “OK play by play, I get it! She eventually smothers the fire by turning the now-empty batter bowl over it. She and KidTamsin study the charred card as the Valkyrie reads off the date MMXV and wonders what it means. “Probably some crazy Fae word,” Kenzi worries, “D-man will know.” She takes a picture of the tarot card and sends it to Dyson on his stylin’ new smartphone. “Do you think Bo’s stuck in the card?” KidTamsin asks. Well, she does now!
Back at Selene’s, Dyson approaches a triptych set of panels the center of which sports a painting of a naked blonde woman admiring herself a hand mirror. This is meant to be Selene, I think. Dyson leans in a bit to examine the painting. “Subtle,” he snarks. He feels around the painting (and its image, thank God.) Realizing there’s a hidden door, he tears the canvas free of the frame to reveal an ornate locking mechanism. “I haven’t seen one of these since my time in France,” he murmurs. Do tell more. He does. “If memory serves, it takes a great deal of finesse to work an 1879 Joseph Loch.” He cracks his knuckles in preparation of working the dials, grips both sides of the panel, and, with innate finesse, yanks the entire door off the wall and effortlessly tosses it aside with a growl. Rowr.
Inside, he finds a boudoir where a man lies on the bed in a deep sleep. Calling Eddy’s name, he tries to rouse the man. Every time he says “Eddy” I think he’s talking to the body-jumping shien from season one. Wonder if they deliberately used the same name for a reason. “Eddy!” Dyson shouts. “You’d better not be dead.” Selene drops down in the bed next to Eddy. “Not dead, darling,” she coos to Dyson. “Just fast, fast asleep.”
At Ronney’s Diner, Doctor Lauren cleans up a table when a discarded newspaper catches her eye. The woman in the photo is styled and dressed exactly like Bo. The headline reads “New York’s Karon to join…” and the caption under the photo reads “Comely (possibly Coventry) legend, Kim Karon will be joining The…” something something something. Heh. Karon. Rattled by the resemblance, the doc drops the tray laden with plates and glasses onto the floor with a loud crash. Crystal hurries over to help, calling “Amber” Butterfingers and warmly asks what she’s doing. “Redecorating?” the doc quips weakly. Crystal suggests next time the doc put some flowers on the tables instead. Doctor Lauren stumbles over an apology and says she doesn’t know what happened. “Well, what happened is that you’ve never waited a table in your life, despite what your résumé says,” Crystal says matter-of-fact with a broad, reassuring smile.
Flustered, the doc gets to her feet and says she thinks she lost her nametag again. Crystal reassures her that it’s all right and pulls the nametag from her pocket. “You’re running from something, Amber,” she acknowledges pointedly, holding up the tag. “I always make such a mess,” the doc simpers. You’re not kidding there, sweetie. Crystal flips Doctor Lauren’s hair over her shoulder and agrees that she is kind of a huge klutz. “But you’re also cute and funny and sexy,” she adds as she reattaches Amber’s nametag to Doctor Lauren’s chest…again. The doc ducks her head and smiles. “You think I’m…funny?” Crystal: “I think you need a drink. Tonight, after closing.” Aw, she’s asking Doctor Lauren out on a date! Go for it, doc! But she doesn’t. “I’m sorry, I just can’t,” she says and walks away from Crystal without any further explanation.
In the boudoir, Selene admires Eddy, calling him beautiful. Less enthralled, Dyson grabs Eddy’s chin and yells at him to wake up. Selene smugly tells him that she’s the only one who can wake Eddy up, “and I’m not about to do that for you.” With a growl, Dyson grabs Selene’s throat and shoves her back against the headboard. Selene laughs with delight. “You will wake him,” Dyson orders. Gasping with arousal, Selene taunts him. “Or?” Dyson threatens to tear her to pieces with his teeth but Selene just moans and laughs again. Sounds like a good time to her. She claws Dyson’s shoulder. “You promise to spank me first?” Dyson slams her back against the headboard again, but, unlike Selene, he is not having a good time. “If that’s what it takes.” Selene giggles some more. “Two words: nuh uh.” Dyson is running out of patience. “WAKE HIM!” he shouts into her face. Selene is still feeling up whatever parts of Dyson she can reach, which, for the moment, is just his arm. She tells him to forget Eddy. “He’s out. The Wolf is in.” Yeah, he is! Or at least he will be, according to Selene, “and all it’ll take is just one kiss.” That pings for Dyson. “One kiss?” he clarifies as she strokes his furry face. Can’t blame you there, lady. Dyson glances at Eddie. “And I end up your prisoner?” Selene
moans explains that it’s only when he sleeps, “and then one kiss more and I’m all yours to punish.” Dyson tells her in THAT VOICE that it’s all he needed to hear. He growls and shoves her back again, making her squeal with pleasure, and then pulls Astrid’s atomizer from his pocket. Thumbing off the cap, he aims it at Selene and spritzes her once before turning her head toward the sleeping Eddie. “Now kiss…him.” Selene does and Eddy convulses then springs upright, awake.
Dyson and Selene watch Eddy carefully. “What’s happening?” he whispers. Selene: “Eddy?” Without a pause, Eddy elbows her in the face. “Harlot!” Asshole. Wary, Dyson looks between them, but when it looks like Eddy’s violence is reserved for Selene, he grabs the man’s shoulder and explains how he needs Eddy’s help. Eddy is only too happy to help his rescuer. “But first, help me bind this trollop and then we can talk about the great debt that I owe you, kind sir.” Oh-kay. They tie the unconscious Selene to the bed with the silk scarves already bound there. Somehow I think she’ll enjoy that when she wakes. “Perhaps mead on me?” Eddy suggests. Hmmm. Mead. “Or a Turkish bath?” But Dyson has no time for partying. This isn’t a tango, after all. “I need you to help me find the woman I love,” he says emotionally while tying Selene down. Aw. Eddy wants to know the name of this magnificent creature who Dyson loves. Dyson: “Bo.” Yeah, it’s a bit anticlimactic, Eddy. We know. Roll with it.
Cut to Bo fiddling with the lock on the train door. “You’re right, Kenz,” she mutters to herself. “Lock picking is a skill every woman should know.” She stops as she realizes she knows the name “Kenz,” but can’t remember the how or why or who of it. She gets to her feet and bangs on the door, shouting for anyone who might be outside it. When that doesn’t work, she takes a nearby candlestick and bangs on the door with that. After a few whacks the door opens to admit a frightened French maid (but of course) who shushes Bo’s gratitude. “You’ll waken him!” she warns. Bo: “Him?” The maid: “I-I don’t think I can say.” Bo immediately strokes the girl’s face and pours on the succujuice. Entranced, the maid kisses her palm. “Beautiful eyes,” she croons looking at Bo’s face. “Both brown and blue. You are the one!” Isn’t that what Tamsin said to Bo in the bathtub of Hilton Hovel? Is the maid another Valkyrie?
Bo wants to know what kind of place she’s in. “Who is he?” Before the maid can answer, they hear a loud, far off bellow. The train shakes back and forth as the two women clutch one another for comfort. “You made him angry,” the maid accuses, pulling free. “This is all your fault!” Probably. There’s another loud, long bellow. My closed captions read: ROAR. Heh. The two women look around, terrified.
Back in Faeville, Dyson, Hale (who apparently survived the beauty school
dropouts students), and Eddy (who’s dressed like Mark Twain) walk down a road as Dyson gets his cop on to describe Bo. “She’s about 5’6”, brown eyes, Caucasian, long brown hair…” Eddy cuts him off to say that Dyson is describing Bo but he needs to know what she’s like. Hale suggests Dyson detail Bo like she’s a suspect, though I thought that’s what he was already doing. “Oh, you mean like, she dances like no one’s watching? That what you’re talking about?” It’s kinda sweet how awkward he is with this. Eddy insists he needs to know where Dyson’s heart lies and Bo’s as well. Dyson deflates some. “Her heart is her own,” he explains, unhappily if matter-of-fact. “Not entirely yours?” Eddie asks. “She’s has a girlfriend,” Dyson adds. No she doesn’t! THEY BROKE UP. Are we retconning that ALREADY?! Yeesh.
“Ah the betrayal of a strumpet!” Eddie declares. Dyson reaches across Hale to slam his hand against Eddie’s chest and the three men stop in their tracks. “You say that again and I will rip out your tongue,” Dyson threatens, pointing his finger for emphasis. Ever the peacemaker, Hale moves to hold Dyson back —easy bro—as Eddie apologies. “But do you have renderings of these transgressions?” What transgressions again? Apparently Dyson understands what he means though as he pulls out his phone to display Kenzi’s texted photo of the charred Wanderer tarot card with Bo on it. Eddie wants to know where Dyson got it. “Kenzi.” Eddie: “Another lover?!” Dyson has the grace to flinch. “She’s…” but Eddie interrupts. “You are Kenzi’s and she is yours?” Now Hale immediately objects. “No, she’s mine!” Dyson and Eddie each give him A Look and Hale scrambles to backpedal. “Mine friend. My friend. A friend.” Uncomfortable, he bobs in place as Dyson smirks slightly with sympathy. Getting back to the matter at hand, Eddie tells Dyson that if that is his Bo on the card, “she is in a heap of trouble.”
“Eddy,” Dyson says earnestly while Hale uncomfortably stares off into space. “You have to help me.” Eddy grins. “Apologies, but nah.” He heads off to satisfy his sudden craving for mutton. With a consoling pat on Dyson’s back, Hale follows Eddy. Dyson takes a moment to gather his thoughts and brace for revealing emotions. “She’s has the most beautiful heart!” he calls after them. “And it breaks every time someone she loves is hurting. She’s brave. Stubborn. She’s passionate. True. She loves with all of her being. And I can’t do any of this without her,” he finishes. Sniff. That was lovely. Awkward, but lovely.
Eddy is thrilled. “Now was-that-so-difficult?!” Dyson checks himself and realizes it really wasn’t. “Yeah,” Hale says, amazed. “What you just did that’s…saying it out loud like that. That’s hard.” Eddy riffs that “to delve into the inner most sanctum of the heart’s desires is oft deemed one of life’s most arduous journeys!” Hale nods as though this is the wisest thing he’s ever heard. But Dyson’s had an epiphany. “Hale, you got to tell her, man.” Hale plays dumb one last time and Dyson calls him on it. “Kenzi. You go to tell her how you feel.” Didn’t he already do that back in The Dal at the end of season three? Didn’t he tell Trick he was off to find his woman when they split in the finale? Eh, whatever.
While Eddy gleefully process that Kenzi is Hale’s, which I swear Hale said just a few minutes earlier, Hale dissembles that it’s not that easy. It looked pretty easy when he kissed Kenzi at The Dal, but whatever. “Just because you’re sure…” Hale leads. Dyson: “Bo is in love with (Doctor) Lauren!” Oh come on, show! The man can profess his love ONE FREAKING TIME without adding the caveat that he knows Bo loves Doctor Lauren too! THEY BROKE UP! Twice! This is getting beyond absurd. “But I still fight for her because I know how I feel!” Dyson finishes emotionally. Who are you, Emo Boy, and what did you do with our recalcitrant alpha wolf? Actually, I’m enjoying all this raw male emotion for a change, even if Hale has to forget everything he said before to Kenzi to get it. There have been far worse retcons in this show.
Hale tries to use their need to find Bo as an excuse to avoid this (repeat) conversation with Kenzi. “I’m not gonna leave you…” But newly-converted Dyson isn’t about to let his partner slide this time. “The Garuda is coming. Your family won’t approve. Your pants are too tight. It’s been three years, Hale. You’ve been longing for her and she’s right in front of you.” Okay, the “your pants are too tight” line cracked me up. Hale knows Dyson’s right. He hugs his friend and goes off after Kenzi. Eddy is ecstatic. “I say that calls for a celebratory drink at your most unsavory watering hole!” Newly invigorated from baring his heart and soul, Dyson ignores this and urges Eddie onward. “You and I have work to do.”
At Ronny’s Diner, “Amber” delivers liver and onions to a man who then sexually harasses her, or, more exactly, her ass. The doc joins Crystal who is folding napkins at the counter. “I think that guy just slapped my butt with his eyes.” She wonders how Crystal puts up with some of these customers. “Same as I put up with some of the staff,” Crystal tosses off heavy with double meaning. Doctor Lauren recognizes that dig is meant for her and apologies if she was rude earlier. If? Crystal cuts her off. “No good apology ever includes the words ‘if’ and ‘but’.” Doctor Lauren regroups. “Um, I’m a jerk. Better?” Yes, much. Keep going. “I’m an egocentric jerk?” Marvelous. Self-awareness is so important in today’s world. You’re doing beautifully, doc. Crystal, however, is charmed by the doc’s self-recrimination. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, princess,” she teases. She adds that “Amber” shouldn’t be too hard on the customers either, especially about the butt thing. “I’d slap that.”
Doctor Lauren laughs. “Yeah, well, better you than bonehead,” but when she checks said bonehead over her shoulder, she sees he’s choking on his liver. Or possibly the onions. “Amber” goes straight into Doctor Lauren mode. She hurries over, clears his airway, and begins to administer the Heimlich maneuver. When that doesn’t work, she has Crystal help her lay Bonehead on the floor. She takes the huge, sharp steak knife from the table and cuts into his throat. I’ve seen a lot of faked field tracheotomies in my TV-watching time, but never one that sliced straight down the throat. Horrified, Crystal stumbles backward toward the counter, presumably to call the police on the woman butchering her patron. Focused on her patient, Doctor Lauren is oblivious as some kind of thorny burrow with two mouths emerges from Bonehead’s throat. “You're a Ghanian Diversity Fae, right?” she asks Bonehead, who, still choking, nods confirmation. Gingerly, she reaches in an extracts the wayward onion slice, pausing to study it with interest as Bonehead’s throat closes up of its own accord. “Thank you,” he gasps. What, no, how did you even know I was Fae? or Say, aren’t you the human doctor who experimented on the Fae and is now at the top of the Light Fae and the Una Mens’ To Do List?
Doctor Lauren exhales with relief but then notices that, rather than called the cops or paramedics, Crystal grabbed her phone and filmed the entire thing. “Do you know how much we can make from this?” she asks “Amber” with excitement. Doctor Lauren tries to reach for the phone but Crystal inadvertently avoids her reach. “I recorded the whole alien thing!” Still catching her breath, the doc grimaces, knowing she just made everything exponentially worse.
Eddie regales Dyson with no doubt inflated tales of his exploits while they walk along some train tracks. Dyson tries to interrupt and refocus Eddie but, after so long asleep, Eddie doesn’t seem to have an off switch. He mentions using some dimensional shifts in an old battle and Dyson clues in that Eddie’s ramblings may have some use after all. Thunder rumbles and Dyson moves to share Eddie’s umbrella as the rain picks up. “These dimensional shifts; we have to move between them, right? How do we do that?” Eddie admits that it’s complicated. “The woman that I love is out there and she is in danger,” Dyson reminds him earnestly. “Please.” “If I couldn’t find your Bo, would I have these?” Eddy asks gleefully. He pulls out some…tiger head candies? Is this a Canada thing? Whatever they are, they’re enough to make Dyson realize he’s dealing with a nutter. Suddenly, he catches a new scent and looks around for the culprit. “We’re being followed.” The camera cuts to show Clio lying on a roof watching them through binoculars. Ignoring this, Eddy explains they need to find an inconsistency. “A shift,” Dyson clarifies. Eddy natters on about locating a stutter in either the temporal or physical realms, but Dyson has already noticed a randomly place hot dog cart vendor ahead of them that is repeatedly splitting in two. “I think we have both. The same man appears in two places at once; both move out of time.” Eddy praises him and when Dyson asks what they do next he adds, “we go say hello.”
Hale paces up and down at Hilton Hovel. He clasps a bunch of sunflowers behind his back as he works through his speech to Kenzi. He’s also taken the time to change, sweet lad.
“Kenzi. You’re a man; I’m a woman.” He hears his own words. “Oh my—Kenzi you’re a woman and I’m a man.” He smiles that beautiful siren smile and shrugs. “So it only makes sense.” Oh no. This is gonna be bad, isn’t it? “Wow, that is stupid,” Hale realizes. Maybe not, then. Kenzi shushes him loudly as she comes down from Bo’s bedroom. “It took like five Avril Lavingne songs to get Baby TamTam a ticket to playtime land. You wake her, Sk8er Boi, you are dealing with her.” Hale isn’t worried. “You know the words to five Avril Lavingne songs?” he asks not without affection. Kenzi gives him a wry look and Hale displays his bouquet of sunflowers. Kenzi is very touched but misunderstands that he meant to add them to Bo’s welcome home plunder in the bedroom.
Hale follows her to the kitchen and insists he needs to tell her something. “Did you guys find Eddy? Is he like a total tracking genius?” Hale has to admit that Eddy is kind of a tracking genius, but Kenzi is only interested in any progress finding Bo. “Can you just stand still for a second?!” Hale finally shouts. Kenzi wants to know why Hale is so twitchy. “Is it Bo? Is she blonde?!” Heh. You’ve got enough of those running around at the moment. Before anyone else can, Kenzi smacks herself, literally, for joking at a time like this and demands Hale tell her what’s going on. He grabs her by the shoulders and gives her a little shake as he confesses, “I like you!” We know. You already told her. Oh, right: retcon. Carry on. “Every time I walk into a room, you are all I can look at. You have so much style and strength that no human should have. I wanna be a part of that.”
“I wanna be a part of you too,” Kenzi replies, wide-eyed and entranced. Aww. She kisses him and then pulls back abruptly. “Ugh. This is weird.” Hale struggles to find his rhythm. “Good weird?” Kenzi looks up and him and in the next second is clearing the kitchen table with one swipe of her arm and pulling Hale down on top of her on it. They go at it some more until Kenzi stops them again. “This is—this is all right, right?” she asks. Hale looks like he has stopped processing words. Kenzi pulls him back down for more kissing and moaning, but when she reaches to undo his belt, Hale’s brain finally kicks in and it’s his turn to stop them. This time, Kenzi isn’t interested. “Less talking; more everything else. Oh GOD, I love you in purple!” she exclaims as she locks her ankles behind his back. Hale tries to pull free. “Wait, Little Mama, it’s the perfume!” Kenzi keeps kissing him. “Oh it smells like a good time to me!” Hale tries to explain they’re under a spell when they’re interrupted for good by KidTamsin’s screams. Kenzi seems to come back to herself and quickly releases Hale’s lapels.
They run upstairs to find a TeenTamsin now in too-small clothes and examining her out-of-control hair and suddenly influx of breasts in Bo’s full-length mirror. Looks like puberty came really early to the Valkyrie. “Holy Portia DeGeneres Shakira David Lee Roth!” Kenzi shouts. Grabbing her new breasts, TeenTamsin cries that she woke up and this happened. Kenzi: “Shit, all I ever woke up with was a zit.” As Hale runs into the room, TeenTamsin whines that she looks hideous. “Yeah, you’re really not!” Hale exclaims and recoils like the gentleman he is, but at the same time can’t help but look. Poor dear isn’t having an easy time shifting from sexy times with Kenzi to panicked child screams to a ripe, post-pubescent blonde overflowing too-tight clothes. Confused, Kenzi asks Hale if TeenTamsin’s having some kind of spurt. Baffled, Hale shrugs. “What do I look like, Doctor Spock’s Guide to Growing Valkyries?” HA! Kenzi is equally freaked out. “If she keeps this up she’s gonna be Betty White by Tuesday!” HA AGAIN! She wraps Bo’s red kimono around TeenTamsin and reassures her that it’s gonna be okay. “Hale, tell her it’s gonna be okay.”
“Everything’s gonna be…okay,” he repeats haltingly. Behind TeenTamsin, Kenzi sotto voces, “Oh My God, THE HAIR!” as Hale stumbles onward. “Cause, as we grow, our bodies change…stuff happens…mostly normal.” TeenTamsin throws open the kimono as she asks, “This is normal?!” Hale turns away with a groan. “But these things are so big,” TeenTamsin laments, grabbing her breasts again. Hale risks a look. “Are they stupid?” she wonders. They’re definitely making Hale stupid, yes. TeenTamsin wraps up the kimono again. “Can I still jump rope?” Was she jumping rope before? That’s too much for Hale and Kenzi agrees that he should just go. “Hale! Jump with me!” TeenTamsin calls, throwing off the kimono and jumping up and down. Hale totally freaks out and cringes away even as he can’t stop sneaking looks at her…bouncing. “Bad Valkyrie! I mean, Bad Hale! Hale has to go now, but Kenzi, we’re not done talking,” he adds before he flees. Snicker. Despondent again, TeenTamsin goes back to examining herself in the mirror.
“I feel super bizzarro,” she admits, miserable. “Well, I’m sorry to tell you, kid, but it’s never going away,” Kenzi says, equally miserable. “Just part of growing up.”
Back at the train tracks, Dyson picks through some rubble and garbage. He uncovers something that looks equal parts an old juke box/standing radio crossed with an old petrol station pump. There are unreadable words in foreign script scrolled under the tuner. Eddy arrives and is chowing down on a smog dog. “I’ve never had anything so disgusting and delicious,” he chortles. Dyson wants Eddy to identify what he’s discovered. Clearly clueless, Eddy surmises that it looks like some sort of condiment dispenser. Dyson insists that it’s Fae, “I can’t read the dialect but…how long were you asleep at Selene’s?” Eddy admits that it may have been for a few hundred years, “but I am right as gold.” But Dyson has finally realized he’s been played. “You’re obsolete, man! You can’t track! You don’t even know what this thing is!” Disgusted, he stalks away frustrated to be back at square one. Eddy insists that it’s just a simple sequence of buttons but before he can push any, he is tackled by Clio and her huge sleeves.
She holds Eddie on the ground with his closed umbrella against his throat. “If you open the gate to another dimension without a ticket then we all go kaboom!” Reaching over, Dyson easily lifts her off Eddie. She brings the umbrella with her and slams Dyson in the gut with it. They pause and take each other’s measure and then Clio lunges for Dyson, brandishing the umbrella as a weapon. He growls and grabs it too. For a moment they struggle for control of the brolly. Dyson jabs Cilo in the face with its handle. She curls over, cradling her bleeding face and crying. “Are you okay?” Dyson asks, dropping the umbrella to step toward Clio and offer help. She displays her broken tooth in her hand and whines, “oh, you hurt me!” Dyson grimaces and apologizes then calls out to Eddy to see if he’s hurt. Clio takes advantage of his distraction to grab Dyson’s throat. He responds in kind. “Why are you following us?” Dyson grits out. Sounds like Clio has quite the grip on him there. “Why are you so hell bent on stopping me from working with Eddy?!” Clio snarls that “he” is not Eddy. “I’m Eddy!”
Eddy accuses that Clio is a thief of identities. “What was I supposed to do while you were under Selene’s spell and between her legs? Requests for your services were coming in.” Dyson realizes that Clio took Eddy’s gigs while he was asleep. “The last one, I recall, put you in a helluva dress.” Clio admonishes that all Eddy was doing was making babies, but denies that he’s her father when Dyson sort of asks. “His spawn are giggling, dimwitted Elementals.” Dyson points out that Clio is an Elemental. “With a twist,” she preens. “Those Elementals only have command of one of the four elements. I commune with all of them, which makes me very special and so much better than you.” Eddy accuses her of lying. Clio backs Eddy up with the point of his umbrella at his throat as she details all she knows about the area around them, including where a man was killed, what the humidity is, and that a train is coming. Eddy dances away from her and up onto the tracks while laughing. He claims Clio has made a great error in crossing him. “I mounted Everest in four strides and mounted the twenty virgins that live atop.” Classy. “There have been songs celebrating me.” Clio points out that these songs were last sung in 1295. Good year. “Dude, you’re all washed up.” Ignoring her, Eddy starts to sing one of the songs from 1295. Unimpressed, Dyson shifts in place and waits for him to finish. A train whistle blows. Eddy keeps singing. “Try to kill him, and he will not die!” The train runs him over. Buh-bye Eddy. Unruffled, Clio tells Dyson that the next train comes at quarter after eight and they’re going to need a ticket. “Do you have one?” Dyson puts two and two together, adds the Wanderer and carries the Bo to realize that he does indeed have the ticket.
At Hilton Hovel, Dyson and Kenzi crouch over the charred card on the floor while Clio sits on the table above them, legs dangling. Kenzi wonders what MMXV means and Dyson translates that they’re Roman numerals that mean 2015, or 8:15 PM, the time of the next train. “If we hurry, we can make it,” he tells Clio. Kenzi reminds him no one can touch the card without being burned, but Clio hops down from the table and chirps that she can touch the card. “She’s an Elemental,” Dyson explains to Kenzi. “Fire can’t touch me,” Clio adds, crouching down next to Kenzi to pick up the flame-free card. She tells Dyson they need to talk price and he’s promises she’ll get whatever she’s owed. That’s too much for wheeler-dealer Kenzi to let go without objection. She pulls Dyson aside for a private confab “A. Chickee-poo Elemental seems a little ele-mental and B. she can take the card and bone us big and C. her skin is suspiciously flawless and I hate her so much.” Heh. Dyson gently repeats that Kenz has to stay at Hilton Hovel. “Tamsin might remember something, right? And besides, Hale wants to talk with you about something.” Oh honey, do not try to play matchmaker. You can barely handle your own love life as it is. Clio clears her throat to reclaim their attention. “And when he does, please try and listen to him, okay?” Dyson adds, ignoring Clio. Kenzi silently promises she will, never letting on that Hale already spilled the beans on that one. They turn back to the impatient Clio who reminds them that time’s a-tickin’. She waves bye to Kenzi and leaves and Dyson follows. Left alone again, Kenzi sidles over to where she left Hale’s flowers and smells them.
Back at the tracks, Clio inserts the charred tarot card into the juke box even as she warns Dyson that once she does this, there’s no going back, “and I can’t promise you that I’m going to be able to protect you.” She gasps as Dyson grabs her wrist before she can put the card in its slot. He demands to know who Clio is. “Why did you try to save me at Engleram’s?” Insulted, she pulls free and claims she saw a guy at a party who was in trouble and a chance to make some money off of it. Dyson isn’t buying it. “You’re a cop,” Clio reminds him, “and you and your…sleuth friend? What’s her…?” “Kenzi,” Dyson patiently supplies. Clio confesses she saw the two of them as potential competition who were busting in on her territory. “I decided to check you out. And it turns out that I had absolutely nothing to worry about, so can I please do this?” Mollified, Dyson reminds her that time’s a-tickin’. Heh.
She again inserts the card into the juke box. It immediately plays “Rockin’ Robin.” No it doesn’t, but that would’ve been cool. It immediately goes whirl whirl chicka chicka bong bong and the traffic light on the tracks goes from green to red. Clio is surprised it even worked as this multidimensional stuff is “quite unpredictable.” Dyson’s phone rings at just the right time for Clio to get off the hook. He answers it not knowing whose calling. “So how’s your incision?” Doctor Lauren asks in lieu of the more traditional “hello.” There are tears in her voice. “Did the stitches heal?” You mean the incision and stitches from when you stabbed him with a big honking needle when he was strapped down on an operating table in order to illegally harvest his DNA? Yeah, they’re just dandy. Dyson eyes Clio and then steps away from her before acknowledging Doctor Lauren. “Dyson, I want to come home,” she pleads. Behind her, Crystal cleans up a table and shoots a very interested look at “Amber” on the pay phone.
Dyson tells Doctor Lauren that “they’re” still looking for her. “It’s not safe.” Frantic, Doctor Lauren asks after the others, “what about Bo? Dyson, I’m scared.” Dyson doesn’t have time to coddle her what with the crazy Elemental at his back and the oncoming inter-dimensional train that’s going to take him to the woman he loves, so he rips the bandage off to do what he can for Doctor Lauren in the few seconds he has. “(Doctor) Lauren, I don’t know if you’re the best rival or the worst, but I know this: you are smart and you are resourceful.” Back at the diner, Crystal swans around from behind the doc to walk past her just as Dyson tells Doctor Lauren, “so whatever needs to get done, you do it! Cause right now, you’re on your own.” Doctor Lauren exhales heavily as if that’s just the edification she needed to hear. “Thanks,” she says. “And Dyson? Take care of her, please.” No worries, doc. He’s got this. As usual. Feel free to stay there as long as you’d like. Dyson hangs up without answering and the doc does the same just as Crystal walks a return path and “Amber” shoots her a wary look. She knows she has to get that video off Crystal’s phone.
A hand riddled with wounds forces its way through the sliver of a car window. A freed Vex struggles to unlock the car from the inside as he promises whomever he’s on the phone with that he’ll pay triple whatever “they’re” paying. “Oh course I can afford it, darling!” he reassures as the camera cuts to Clio on the other end of the call at the train tracks. “The only positive of having your entire race obliterated is you inherit one big bloody bank account!” He pauses in his fight with the door to make clear one thing to Clio. “Bo must be alive and in one piece.” He asks if they have a deal and Clio is a little too over-enthused that they do to be believable. “Well erect my nipples; you are a naughty little minx.” Snort. He goes back to struggling with the door and asks her to tell him again, slowly. “Ahh, we have a deal,” Clio repeats, a little wary and just in time for Dyson to hear her. “What deal?” She dissembles that it’s privileged client information and thus covered by non-disclosure agreements. “But you have my blood oath that I will find your succubus.” I do not like that woman. Have I mentioned that?
Dyson doesn’t look like he believes her act, which is good, but it’s not like he has a lot of choice in the matter. A train whistle blows; guess it’s 8:15. Hand in hand, Dyson and Clio stride over to the tracks. The soundtrack has this underlying ticking sound to it. Nifty. Clio gasps and she and Dyson plant their feet. “Shit’s about to get interesting,” she intones. “That’s a Death Train.” She tries to ease off the tracks, but Dyson holds her in place. “Don’t even think about it.” The train approaches. They both look down at their feet though I don’t know why. “Hold on to your knickers,” Clio warns. “Tonight’s going to be a wild ride.” Dyson holds her up in front of him as they train gets closer. At the last minute, they disappear as they’re absorbed onto the train as it blows past.
Kenzi is on the phone with Massimo explaining that all her Fae juju cream is gone as TeenTamsin sleeps on in Bo’s bed. “Sayonara magic twinkle powers. Can you meet me tonight?” Kenzi asks. Whatever Massimo says makes her get up and go into Bo’s weapon trunk from whence she pulls out Trick’s missing ruby-encrusted globe. “Duh. I can pay.” So she didn’t want KidTamsin not to go into the trunk to avoid the weapons but so KidTamsin wouldn’t pull out the loot Kenzi lifted to pay for her Fae juju. Trick is not gonna be happy about that. Where did he go, anyway? Looks like, even with her memories of Bo restored, without her bestie, Kenzi reverts to all sorts of old, nasty tricks. Heh. I did it again. She agrees to Massimo’s proposed meeting place, puts the scepter in her bag and, with one last check on the sleeping TeenTamsin, hurries out of Hilton Hovel.
In Ronny’s Diner, “Amber” has taken Crystal up on her offer of drinks after all and, by the look of things they’ve put more than a few away already. Crystal excuses herself to pee and Doctor Lauren takes the chance to rifle through Crystal’s purse, handily left behind right there on the table. She snatches Crystal’s mobile to delete the video of her performing surgery on a supernatural creature. Wait, Doctor Lauren manipulated a woman with whom she’s romantically interested, by getting her impaired in order to trick her into doing something she, the doc, knows she, Crystal, doesn’t want to do?! I’m shocked! Shocked, I say! Fortunately, for Crystal, though less so for “Amber”, the mobile is locked. “Oh, password. Shit!” the doc hisses but then pauses as an idea occurs. “Maybe it’s ‘shit’.” Heh. She tries it; it’s not. Try S-H-E-R-L-O-C-K-E-D, sweetie. Hey, you never know.
“Toad,” Crystal calls, catching her in the act but not seeming too bothered by it. She explains that “Toad” was the name of her dog when she was a kid. “T-O-A-D,” she spells out. “It’s ironical, huh.” You’re adorable, Crystal. The doc tries to talk her way out of the obvious, which never works for her, and excuses that she was just looking for Crystal’s weather app. Crystal helpful rattles off the numbers T-O-A-D spells out to for the passcode. “You can go ahead.” “Oh look,” Doctor Lauren chirps, “It’s sunny with a side of—you’re not buying any of this, are you?” Heh. Crystal knows this is all about the “alien” video. “Do you know how much people will pay for shit like this?!” Doctor Lauren climbs from the booth and tells Crystal that while it wasn’t an alien, the video cannot exist. “There are some very bad people after me and if they see this, they’ll come for me.” She wishes she could tell Crystal more, it’s just… “Complicated,” Crystal supplies not without sympathy. She holds out her hand for the phone and the doc reluctantly hands it over. Without hesitation, Crystal deletes the video. Doctor Lauren is clearly shocked that someone actually did something for her just because she asked. Honey, you really need a new girlfriend. Hey look! One’s standing right in front of you, ready and very willing.
Crystal smiles and nods in answer to Doctor Lauren’s silent Really? The doc spontaneously embraces Crystal, who is so shocked by the unusual show of affection that it takes her a moment to return the embrace. They hold on to one another for several long moments. “Wow,” Crystal says when they finally break apart. “If this is what I get for letting you delete things on my phone, I should let you know I have over 30 Instagrams of gas station sandwiches on here.” Aw, that’s sweet. Though still teary, the doc genuinely laughs with Crystal. “I’m (Doctor) Lauren,” she offers in return. “It’s nice to meet you, (Doctor) Lauren,” Crystal returns, sweetly. The doc thanks Crystal and for a moment, they just stare at each other. Kiss her, Crystal! She’s unattached in all her lives! Go for it! Alas, they don’t.
In an alternative reality, that’s the sound of the man working on the train. Not really. It’s actually the sound of Bo is working on the maid to power up her succubatteries. She takes just enough to get out and makes for the back door of the caboose. Of the train, not the maid! Yeesh! Swaying with the motion of the train, Bo looks out into the blackness that surrounds it. She kicks open the door and glances back once. “It’s time to go,” she says. Breathing heavily, she jumps out into the blackness.
Next week: “Lovers. Apart.”