Thu
Jan 9 2014 11:30am

Final Thrust: Enormously Endowed Romance Heroes, Part 2

Devil's Pact by Samantha CruiseAre you ready for more Gigantic Glans? Here is the second part of my look at the phenomenon of Enormously Endowed romance heroes who may make readers cringe and cross their legs. (First, make sure you've caught up on Part 1.)

5. Devil a.k.a. “The Cannon” from Devil’s Pact by Samantha Cruise

Now, this book has a whole bunch of WTFery to go with its twelve-inch hero (who is also 8 inches wide). Devin Spawn, known as Devil and/or The Cannon, is an outlaw who returns home when his father falls ill. Before he makes it home, he spies a beautiful woman skinny dipping in a pond. He can’t resist her and seduces her. Turns out the woman is Megan Spawn, his stepmother (his father has not died at this point)—and his two young half-sisters are asleep not that far away.

Devin mostly frequents brothels because he has to pay handsomely to find women willing and able to take on “The Cannon,” the nickname he is branded with as a result of his Torturous Torpedo.

While at a whorehouse (while having conflict with Megan), he has a run in with prostitute named Hattie (this book is not for the faint of heart).

Hattie gawked at the exceptionally long, thick shaft pointed directly at her. “There’s no way in hell that horse dick is coming near me. You ain’t ripping my pussy in two,” she shrieked, clamping her legs tightly.

….

So what if he was hung like a horse? A damned twelve inches long and nearly 8 round. Tarnation! He was in a whorehouse, not out by the river with a sniveling tease. He came here to be fucked, and he wasn’t leaving until he was good and fucked.

Devin isn’t a very heroic hero. And his dimensions make him even scarier.

The Phallus from Dallas by Ciarra Sims and Samantha Winston6. Mitch a.k.a. “The Phallus from Dallas” from The Phallus from Dallas by Samantha Winston and Ciarra Sims

Mitch has been cursed with an Oversized Organ his entire life, one that has caused women to run from him screaming. To make matters worse, he actually got the words “The Phallus from Dallas” tattooed just under his navel. He believes that he will find true love if he can find a woman who can take his Gargantuan Girth. He meets his perfect match in Hannah who is more than capable of housing his Phenomenal Phallus.

Like Simon from Part 1 of this post, Mitch has a “special cup” in place to guard his humongous cock that he uses while bullriding. Apparently riding animals with an Astronomical Appendage is a dangerous exercise.

He had never been able to thrust into a woman without worrying about hurting her, so his sexual encounters had been lessons in control – painful struggles to be gentle and hold back. He’d taught himself the art of slipping just the head of his power peter into a woman’s pussy and then thrusting ever so slow until she’d reached her limits. His cock had never been more than halfway in. Frustration sometimes made him want to bawl like a roped calf.

7. Dane Calwell a.k.a. “The Fearsome Phallus” from Surrender to a Wicked Spy by Celeste Bradley

This historical romance begins with Dane Calwell, Lord Greenleigh, and Olivia having just married. Dane, a spy for the Crown, marries Olivia believing that she will not make him feel passionately. However, passions ignite when he first touches his new bride. Unfortunately, he has a large problem: He believes that his Corpulent Cock can fit in no mortal woman.

Olivia does not accept that and concocts a plan to ready herself for her husband. She visits a brothel and gets advice. As a result, the madame sends Olivia a set of five ivory vagina expanders ranging in size to help prepare Olivia’s channel.

You see, they come in graduating sizes. Once a woman becomes comfortable with one size, she may move on to the next – oh, dear heavens.” She unwrapped the fifth and final rod. It was a thick as four fingers and its length lay across two palms and then some. She blushed and rewrapped it quickly. “Well, at least I’m sure we won’t need to use that one!”

Dane rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Actually . . . I think we will.”

The couple does indeed use the rods, and eventually Dane finds nirvana when he is able to fit himself inside his bride.

Passion by Lisa Valdez8. Mark Hawkmore a.k.a. “The Womb Wanker” from Passion by Lisa Valdez

Mark Hawkmore, Earl of Langley, goes to a museum and spies Passion. There is an incendiary and immediate attraction that manifests itself between the two in the museum. The two continue to meet in the museum and further their liaison behind a screen. Each time the two have sex, Mark is able to get more and more of his Barbarous Barb inside Passion. He makes it his life mission to fit himself inside of her, even if he has to rearrange her internal organs.

With fresh strength, Mark pushed and pushed, forcing the head of his prick against the door to her womb. He could feel her giving way, could feel her cervix tilting.

For the first time in his life, he was up to his cods in a woman – not just any woman – Passion. He could still feel the tight nub of her cervix, but now it was below, rubbing the thick, distended passage that brought his spunk. The pulsing head of his cock was in a deep pocket of flesh above her womb. It was pure heaven, and he was desperate to move.

Yes, Mark forces his Pendulous Penis through Passion’s cervix and into a pocket above her womb. He is so large that his Ridiculous Rod batters her insides in order to find heaven. I don’t know about you, but this sounds rather painful.

Have I missed any Enormous Erections? Please let me know. Also, what do you think of these heroes? To be honest, I would run screaming from any one of them.

 


Jennifer Porter, a mild-mannered librarian by day, runs the review site Romance Novel News and is a compulsive romance reader. She has a tendency to live tweet her craziest reads as @JenniferRNN

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14 comments
Nicole Leapheart
1. BoxyFrown
Thank you so much for these posts. I'm going to be giggling for the rest of the day :) And adding some books on Amazon...
LenoreJ
2. LenoreJ
I thought you might have missed Hawkmore, but no, there he is in the finale. I read this entire book with my eyebrows elevated somewhere up into my hairline--another uncomfortable rearrangement of body parts.
Seems I have clipped the edge of an entire trope! Ouch.
Jessica Rice
3. Jessicle
This really did make me go OMG!! How can some authors think that astronomical appendages, to coin a phrase, would be enticing or erotic for some readers? I would make you subconciously bite your lip & squeeze your legs closed imagining that!! But besides that I have a little experience in the enormous erection dept...an ex of mine was rather generously endowed & I'm not gonna lie, some times it was just not fun & it was a case of just trying to relax & not tense up so that I could "open" for him. It kind of takes the shine off the act if you are mentally preparing yourself for an invasion that won't necessarily overwhelm your anxious thoughts & leave you NOT enjoying the moment. I think average size is best...less stress, more pleasure!! :)
LenoreJ
4. The_Book_Queen
Wow . . .with the exception of Dane, all the others have me running away, too! LOL. I read Dane's book, years ago, and actually loved it. I thought the "vagina expanders" added something new to the story, and it turned out pretty sexy, in my opinion. I still reread that book sometimes --- at least the good and dirty parts! :)

En joy,
TBQ
Jordan R
5. jrojrojro
I completely lost it when I realized "power peter" was in the quoted part from the book and not your hilarious commentary!
LenoreJ
6. stacymd2
Jennifer this was another hilarious read. O.M.G! Where to start? I can't believe there is actually a book titled, "The Phallus from Dallas," or that a female novelist wrote about a penis so long that it moves a woman's cervix.

It is just not possible for a man to have an 8 inch wide penis. Right? Right!!

These heroes would not be able to walk yet alone ride bulls. How do they wear pants?
Jennifer Porter
7. JenniferPorter
@jrojrojro The power peter phrase is what inspired my own alliterative nicknames! I laughed and laughed when I read that.

I'm glad that you all enjoyed these Fabulously Fun Phalluses. I had a ball (or two) writing these posts.
Nicole Neal
8. icecharm
I see what you did there, Jennifer. But seriously, why would I or any female want gigantic junk anywhere within a ten foot radius of them?
Robbie Thornton
9. Button
My grandmother (yes, my old granny), a farmer/rancher's wife, had this to say about men with an XL sized appendage: "Honey, they're only good for very large women or very small cattle".

I've always thought that rather profound.
LenoreJ
10. AngieC
A friend of mine once said "Penises come in three sizes: I've eaten bigger pickles; You wanna put that where? (must be said with knees clamped together) and Ahhh, perfect. Every woman's perfect is different."
LenoreJ
11. CynthiaD
Loved this post! I don't mind reading about the out of this world sizes because I read to escape the "real world." Now, will there be one about the tiny ones or is there already a post on that subject? Thanks again for making me laugh today!
Sue Whit
12. Delila
I wondered if the author meant 8 inches in circumference, which in some minds would be interpreted with the word "wide". I read that in another book that used circumference and wide interchangeably. HA!
Jennifer Porter
13. JenniferPorter
Delila, I had the wide vs. circumference discussion on twitter. Either way, "The Cannon" is beyond anything I want to handle! :)

CynthiaD, if anyone knows of any romances with smaller men, I'd love to know. I've never run across one!!!
LenoreJ
14. Metal Mom
Pretty sure there are some tasty morsels in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. Face it, the Brothers' members are referred to as phearsome for goodness' sake!!!
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