Wed
Nov 6 2013 4:00pm

BDSM is More than Kinky Sex!

Awakening by Elene SallingerToday we're joined by author Elene Sallinger, whose Awakening will be out November 5. Awakening is the story of a woman who's kept herself away from all society—with the exception of her dog—for a year, but knows she has to start interacting with people. Once she does, she meets a Dominant who brings out the best submission from her. Elene is here to share her thoughts on what BDSM really is. Thanks, Elene!

When most people think of BDSM erotica, they think of kinky sex. The sex may take the form of bondage, Dominance and submission, spanking, wax play or some other iteration of BDSM, but the idea is still sexual at its root. But BDSM is so much more than kinky sex and the erotica that focuses on it should be as well. In the aftermath of Fifty Shades of Grey, there are much greater in-roads for BDSM erotica to filter into the mainstream. But if all the mainstream audience gets to read is hardcore sex with toys and multiple partners and lots of leather, then they are only seeing one small sliver of the true experience of BDSM.

For most people in the non-BDSM or “vanilla” world, they still see BDSM and its associated kink as a form of deviance. This is despite the fact that some kinks—such as light bondage and anal sex—are becoming fairly mainstream. It is this writer's opinion that what Fifty Shades of Grey really did for BDSM was make it okay to have those fantasies and those experiences. It blessed kink as valid, but it did not truly educate people on what is at the heart of BDSM and this is both a psychology and an emotional plane that many people don't realize the full spectrum of.

For BDSM—I'm using the term to encompass all forms of kink as well as Bondage, Dominance and Sadomasochism—to be fully understood, one must first understand that there are a full spectrum of emotions and psychologies that underly the practice. That discussion is well outside the scope of this article, however, I think it is safe to say, that most BDSM practitioners are driven by deep-seated desires many of which fall outside the norm our society has agreed upon.

The nature and shape of that deep desire is open to interpretation. For some, it is submitting sexually to a dominant partner. For others, it may be entering into a 24/7 lifestyle arrangement wherein they serve a Master. For many others, it's iterations of kink involving spanking and forms of impact play, maybe there are candles involved, maybe there is breath play and other forms. Maybe it's nothing more than wearing head-to-toe latex as they make love. The beauty of BDSM is that the combinations and manifestations are limitless.

In the fulfillment of this need, many find themselves more fully satisfied in themselves and their lives than they ever have been before. I could discuss the dynamics of power exchange, negotiations and kink versus fetish and how that contributes, but I think that's best left to the experts. I highly recommend Dr. Charley Ferrer's BDSM for Writers or BDSM The Naked Truth for further exploration of those topics.

It is in the exploration of the underlying psychology and emotions that BDSM erotica comes to life in my eyes. I crave more than a scene in which a hot man spanks a woman's ass and gives her a raging orgasm. That's nice, but I want to understand why she needs that, why he must give it. It is that synchronicity between two people that makes it deeply emotional. For every man that craves the feel of flesh under his palm and gets erect as it turns sweetly pink, there's a woman (or man) who needs the sting and the mastery of the act. BDSM is the means by which people are able to find their other sensual/sexual half.

In BDSM it truly takes two to tango. There can be no Dominant without a submissive partner and vice versa. They are two halves that make up a whole and together they are synergistic. This is a beautiful thing to witness.

Sadly, many still believe in the inherent deviance of BDSM however, there are new studies showing that BDSM practitioners are actually much more likely to be psychologically healthier than their vanilla counterparts. I believe this is because, in order to participate fully in BDSM, it is necessary to understand yourself, your partner and to build trust at much deeper levels than the average vanilla relationship delves into. To take your experiences, whether sexual or sensual, to the edge and back, you must truly understand one another's needs and trust one another to respect the limits of each other. This is crucial and the fundamental tenet upon with BDSM is practiced. This trust, this deepened respect and, most importantly, this unconditional acceptance of one another allows each individual to truly be themselves to the fullest in a way that our vanilla “norms” don't allow.

Mainstream life is built on the tenets of “thou shalt not” whereas BDSM is built on the tenets of safe, sane and consensual. Anything goes as long as it's legal and consented to by all parties. One is a paradigm of acceptance, the other a paradigm of exclusion and denial. Is it any wonder that BDSM practitioners feel more self-actualized than non-practitioners?

Personally, it is this writer's opinion that we could all take a lesson from the BDSM lifestyle on the lowering of inhibitions between partners, the depth of trust, compassion, and acceptance. I'm willing to bet the world would be a much happier place.

Learn more or order a copy of Awakening by Elene Sallinger, out now:

Buy at AmazonBuy at Barnes & NobleBuy at Indiebound

 

 


Hailing from Washington, DC, Elene Sallinger first caught the writing bug in 2004 after writing and illustrating several stories for her then four-year-old daughter. Her writing career has encompassed two award-winning children's stories, a stint as a consumer-education advocate, as well as writing her debut novel, Awakening - a novel of erotic fiction that won the New Writing Competition at the Festival of Romance 2011.

She is a lover of all things lingual, a warrior of words, and a vixen of vocabulary. Her goal is to titillate, provoke, empower and move you with her work which ranges from the erotic to the dramatic and everything in between.

Subscribe to this conversation (must be logged in):
Individual - You will receive an alert for each comment added to this post.
Digest - You will receive an end-of-day alert for all comments added to this post.
1 comment
Sheri Jacobs
1. Sheri Jacobs
I agree. 50 Shades of Grey made BDSM seem more mainstream by allowing vanilla partners to explore kink more in their bedrooms than just in their minds, but many still miss that it is a psychology and emotional duality. I was reading a related article with a different take at https://www.slixa.com/late-night/403-bdsm-101-negotiating-kinky-play-with-a about negotiating all of the above, but with a provider. Interesting read.
Post a comment