We've got your True Blood fix right here! Let's discuss.
The episode starts off right where we left off last week, with Sookie getting baptized by a Daddy Stackhouse possessed Lafayetteberg (You know you think of Whoopi Goldberg from Ghost every time you see Lafayette in a housecoat and flashy makeup when communing with the dead).
Anywho, so right away Billith senses her danger. I think we have our first official Bill Compton, “Ssssookieee” moment of the season. But what we find is Warlow tossing Laffayette in the air against a tree and saving Sookie. He is so gentle about it. Sookie pleads with him to blast him to get Lafayette unposssessed. It works. Then Sookie tells him to get the frig out of her life forever.
**MAJOR EPISODE SPOILERS**
Pam and Eric are about to face off, gladiator style. Pam gets all pissy-Pam about Eric making a vamp. They hover in the air and instead of killing each other they stab through the glass, kill a guard, take out a camera, and then Eric peeks through the hole in the glass to find Steve Newland, the undead wuss he is.
Lafayette, Sookie and Warlow are copping a squat by the river. Explanations of what Warlow is has Lafayette being Lafayette, “So let me get this hetero-straight, so you’s a vampire that can walk in the daytime? Well, there goes the damn neighborhood.” Then Warlow gets summoned by Billith, but Sookie zaps them to Neverland. Warlow no longer feels Billith's pull. Bill senses he did something and goes off to find Jessica, but realizes she’s gone and his visions are coming true.
Jason is at the LAVT applying for a job, for a post on this “Fuckfanger Police Force.” He tells them all he knows about killing vamps and how much he loves killing them. Love Jason when he’s all hyped playing the part.
Nicole and Sam argue about Emma’s future. Sam wants to keep running with Emma, but Nicole tries to have him listen to reason, that it’s no life for a little girl who has lost both of her parents. I keep waiting for Nicole to turn into a werewolf since she was bitten, btw. Not sure if that’s a possibility but it could happen, right?
Back in Neverland, Warlow tells Sookie to tie him up so he won’t be tempted to feed on her, that he battles with the light and the dark inside of him. They chat about how Sookie has done nothing wrong to have all this happen to her. She is sad about her parents trying to kill her as a little girl and most recently. Um, yeah, Sookie has some responsibility, she keeps letting hot guys into her house who want to kill her, screw her, drink her blood, use her for her powers, or all of the above.
Alcide finds his dad and he lets him know Sam and Emma are at the same hotel. Insert first muff flash of the night, while eating fried chicken. And I wanted to have fried chicken for dinner tonight. Dang it. Alcide and Daddy wax poetic about being in a pack. Alcide growls off to find Emma. I am so not liking this Alcide. I miss my hottie contractor with a heart of gold and abs of steel.
Billith makes his kidnapped doc drain most of his blood so he can go into a coma and find Lillith. He does. Insert second muff sighting. Techincally the fourth if you count all three versions of Lillith, draped in blood, and their exposed bushy hoohas.
Andy finally names his surviving daughter: Adilyn Braelyn Charlene Danica. She wanted four names to honor her sisters.
Lafayette has a doobie and a glue gun for a girls' night in. And he is all saucy and happy. Then Terry knocks on the door and asks a favor, for him to take a key to his safety deposit box. Lafayette insists on not taking it, but Terry says that they have the type of friendship where they can give each other keys. Lafayette accepts, but then calls Arlene right away. She suspects he is contemplating suicide. Andy’s girlfriend has the idea to get a vamp to erase his memory. Arlene happily agrees. We all know this cannot end well.
Sookie grills Warlow on how exactly he planned on cashing in his contract to inherit her. He explains it was the 1700s, baby, that kind of stuff happened all the time. Then he gets all romantic about how awesome it would be if she’d let him turn her into a vamp, that they’d only need each other’s blood to survive for eternity. Sookie gets that dazey look in her eye, like, this guy says the sweetest things. Then she reminds him she’d still be a vamp.
Eric is chained in a cage and Nora is brought to him strapped to a gurney. The governor injects her with a Hep-V virus. She is the first, the guinea pig. The way the doc describes it, it’s like HIV for Vamps. Once a host is infected it can be spread a variety of ways. Eric is left to watch Nora suffer. They say they love each other, like “I love you my brother, my sister.” Ew. They did it a bunch of times.
Billith is getting a tongue lashing from Lillith. Billith turns it on her that she turned the wrong Fae and got the true death. Lillith doesn’t like it, reminds him that his visions about all his friends dying are his fault, then cuts him off from finding her again.
Sam returns Emma to her grandmom. He is so sweet and so worried but feels he’s doing the right thing by Emma. I used to be all team Alcide but I’m team Sam this season. It’s not all about the abs. Sam is all heart and I love that salt and pepper hair anyway.
Terry gets his memories of war erased by Matt, so and so’s son’s friend’s dad’s husband. Poor Terry is left looking so happy and at peace. But we know Terry made other plans last week. This is not good.
Jason is in some concrete silo getting prepped for the FuckFanger force. He’s telling tales of grandeur about killing vamps at the Authority. Then the former Mrs. Newlin walks in and is like, WTF. Jason’s like, “I’m grabbing you by the Texas balls… I’m getting Jessica out or I’ll tell everyone you’re a Jesus Whore.” In your face, biotch!
Alcide finds Sam and Nicole at the gas station and wants to know where Emma is. Sam tells him and calls him out for being such a dick lately. He tries to remind them they were friends once and that Aclide can try and kill them, he’s tired of it all anyway. Alcide backs down, tells them to leave. Whoa, is that a glimpse of the old Alcide? Sort of. He then tells Sam never to come back. Which I hope isn’t true. What about Merlotte’s?
Billith awakes to see news about the new batches of Tru Blood getting shipped out at a discount. He then drinks the blood the doc made from Warlow, glows for a second, then goes and runs in the sun.
Mrs. Newlin makes Jason watch some hot vamp dude and Jessica do it. But the hot guy won’t do it and gets zapped by UV light. Jessica says she’ll do it, she’ll feel like a virgin but she’s not. I forgot about that. Poor Jessica. No sex, and Jessica gets sent back.
Arelene thanks Lafayette at Merlotte’s for saving Terry. Lafayette’s outfit is smoking, btw. Love his wardrobe. Terry takes out the trash and a shot rings out. He’s shot in the neck. Arelene holds his head in her lap, cries, and never takes her eyes off of him. She whispers about all the good in his life. They’re crying, I’m crying. Arlene sings to Terry and he dies in her arms.
The governor reads the bible in a grotto near a statue of himself. Billith enters, walking in the sunlight. He gets shot a bunch of times but he’s like SuperVamp. He turns the guns on the guards and has them shoot each other. The governor makes his last speech about killing all vamps then Billith beheads him and leaves baldy on the foot of the statue.
Eric summons his baby vamp to help him and Nora. The virus can be seen spreading throughout her. Baby Vamp gets to Eric and they escape, using one of the doc's hands. Eric gets in the Swat gear, Nora a lab coat, and they roam the halls looking for an escape. Eric stumbles onto the place they’re making the new batch of Tru Blood and they’re putting Hep-V in every bottle. Yeah, even Eric knows they’re screwed.
Finally, back in Neverland, we find Sookie confessing that the worst thing about being a fae is that she can hear what people think of her, that she’s a danger-whore. Well, yeah, we’ve all been saying that. She loosens the reins on Warlow and allowing him to feed off of her. Then she feeds off him, wait is she a vamp now???? Then she gets naked and rides him until their nether regions glow all faery like. Is that what fae on fae orgasms look like? Then fade to black.
What will happen next week? I just hope they’re no glowing hoohas of muff shots.
Jason: “Oh, and then there’s beheadinisms.”
Lafayette: “You acting real strange, even for Terry.”
Andy’s girlfriend: “My son’s friend’s dad’s husband… yeah, they’re gay.”
Jason: “Can you define copulation?”
Charli Mac writes Women’s Fiction and YA Paranormal set in Philly and the South Jersey Shore. Snorts & screams are probable and fist-pumps are highly discouraged at www.charlimac.com. Twitter her @charlimacs.