Thank fae—Lost Girl is back! Be sure to check out all of our recaps, from Season 1 and Season 2 to the most recent episode of Season 3 aired in the U.S. on the SyFy Channel. All caught up? Good. And now, on to the recap for last night’s Season 3 premiere, episode 3.02, "Subterrfaenean.”
Spoiler Policy: Please remember that there is a strong NO SPOILERS policy for any and all comments. We are ONLY DISCUSSING episodes of Lost Girl that have ALREADY AIRED IN THE UNITED STATES (the U.S. is currently a week behind Canada's schedule). Be kind and respectful by not ruining it for those who have yet to watch the newest Season 3 episode. Thanks!
Bo is in a derelict, very, very muddy boat yard fighting a giant. As you do. The bald, tattooed Dark Fae (I presume) gets Bo in a strangle hold and grunts that The Morrigan wants that photo. Guess I presumed right for a change. “Can’t blame her. Have you seen it?” Bo asks, laughing. “Awkward!” A berserker cry sounds just as Kenzi barrels into the fray, a chunk of stone? broken cement? held aloft as a weapon. Despite, or perhaps because of, her fervor, Kenzi epically wipes out in a trough of mud and slams flat onto her back. Not to be undone, she helpfully coasts down the mudslide to a stop right between Giant’s spread legs and slams her rock into Giant’s—erm—stones. Bo promptly breaks his hold and knocks him out with half a cinder block to the head. Those things are incredibly heavy, by the way. Kenzi stumbles to her feet and chortles. “Kenzi for the assist! YES!”
Exhausted, Bo drops the block while Kenzi brags. “Did you like that part? Where I pretended to fall on my ass when I was like a stealth missile laaaaasering in on target?!” Bo is lmost too whipped to quip, but manages, “Smooth. Remind me to book you on Dancing With the Fae.” Hee. By the end of this episode, you’ll have more than Kenzi to add to that roster. Kenzi genuinely wonders if that’s “a thing” (if we’re going solely by the costumes on that show, then absolutely), and Bo just wearily asks that Kenzi help her drag “tall, dark, and hideous out of sight.”
There is a lot of squishing noise as they do just that—somebody had a lot of fun with that in post-production. With effort, Kenzi suggests that while she hates to be a “Wendy whiner…but this is your third Fae-bag attack this week!” Bo: “Your point, Wendy?” Kenzi: “Yesterday, it was that two-headed thingie that looked like Regis? And before that it was that hot-dog vendor that turned out to be a fire-breathing—” Bo: “I want to say frog.” Kenzi: “Jellyfish?” Bo: “Whatever it was, we kicked its gelatinous ass.” Hoo Shah.
Kenzi has to admit that though she never thought to admit it, she’s only human and adds that Bo isn’t exactly looking up to par herself. “Whatever The Morrigan dishes out, I can handle it,” Bo insists. Kenzi wonders if Bo still has that “doozy” from yesterday’s JelloBeast battle and Bo immediately stresses that “yesterday it was a cut and today it’s a bruise. I’m healing.” Kenzi points out that she’s healing slowly, very slowly, mind and Bo bitchily asks after her point. “The doc? Isn’t it like trying to charge an iPad with a hamster wheel?”
Bo’s had about enough. She drops Giant’s leg and demands to know what exactly Kenzi has against Doctor Lauren. I’m not even going to waste the line space beating that dead horse cause clearly the truth of that situation it doesn’t matter one bit to this show. Kenzi: “Moi?” Bo: “Oh, come on, Kenzi! With the little digs and the rolling of the eyes?! I’m not stupid!” It’s called holding to your own convictions, despite the demands and pressures of the people around you who’d be more comfortable if you didn’t, but whatever. Kenzi starts to answer, but pauses and Bo encourages her to take her chance “while I’m still high off my wicked moves! Get it out of your system!” Kenzi counts down her first three objections: “She is bossy, territorial, and controlling!” Bo shouts that Doctor Lauren thinks Kenzi is “immature, irresponsible, and clingy!” and there’s just SO MUCH wrong with that, I—I can’t even be bothered. Kenzi is aghast until Bo points out that Kenzi says those things about herself, which I totally don’t buy. Way to denigrate the emotional resonance of Bo and Kenzi’s scene at the end of S2E19 by demoting Bo’s true soul mate to “clingy,” show. But, whatever. Kenzi insists that when she says it, “it is adorable.” Surprising no one, Bo says, “The point is, I love (Doctor) Lauren.” Yes, we know sweetie. It’s the why that continues to confuse, but whatever. “She’s a huge part of my life, as are you,” Bo continues, “so in the battle of BFF versus main squeeze, I think it’s time we called a truce!” Now this, I get. Everyone’s had a best friend who has that one lover with whom you barely get along but you suck it up and make the best of it and hope eventually said friend either comes to her senses or the relationship burns itself out. Either way, you’ll be there with the wine and ice cream.
During Bo’s pontification, Kenzi twitches in place, clearly unhappy about what her friend is saying. Flicking a look up at Bo, she licks her hand and surreptitiously grooms Bo by wiping at a mud spot on Bo’s excellent leather jacket. Snicker. I wonder if Doctor Lauren got a similar lecture about playing nice with Kenzi. Somehow, I doubt it, especially considering how perfect the doc has now been redesigned to be. “Got it?!” Bo finishes and finally glances down all what the hell are you doing to my jacket? Sullen, Kenzi grimaces at Bo. “Uh huh,” she says, glancing down and away, which is a total tell that she’s lying, one, by the way, an experienced grifter like Kenzi wouldn’t unknowingly telegraph. Bo isn’t fooled for a minute, but she’s smart enough to take what’s she’s given for the moment. “Now, all those on Team Bo,” she says pointedly and lifts Kenzi arm for a forced high-five. “Drinks are on me.” Honey, we’re all ultimately on Team Bo, even when that team is making dumbass decisions. Kenzi, still pissed and absolutely drenched in rapidly drying mud (dear Lawd, they must be freezing), takes her ire out on the yet unconscious Giant by kicking him in the side. “That’s right!” she snits down at him. He remains unimpressed and—well—unconscious.
The scene switches to a posh, high-rise office and—EVONY! The Morrigan is back!! Quick, hide the Barnacle Goose!! She sashays her way across the room, and holy crap is that dress freaking amazing. Seriously, just come live in my closet and get those elves sewing, oh shiny new rocking costume person. “Oh Bruce,” she moans to the muddy, chagrined Giant. “How you disappoint me!” Giant: “I’m Steve.” Heeheehee. This whole exchange entertains me greatly. Ignoring him, The Morrigan demands to know how “this” happened and Bruce/Steve claims it’s not his fault. “She had an army!” Yes, a tiny, nigh pixie-like, high-heeled shod, Goth Princess of an army. Run away! The Morrigan orders him not to insult her intelligence. “You’re a worse liar than your brother Erik!” Bruce/Steve, flatly: “Dave.” Sorry, that one flung me into a guffaw fit…again. I don’t know why I find this sequence so funny, but I do. I really, really do.
The Morrigan doesn’t care. “If I hadn’t just had my nails done, I’d rip your beating heart out myself!” Bruce/Steve: “You’re too kind.” The Morrigan perches on the edge of her couch. “I think someone’s getting a little too big for her leather britches,” she mwah ha has. On the end table next to her is a sturdy, heart-shaped box strapped down in padlocks and chains. It starts to rattle and hum violently. Now, that’s my kind of heart! Strap that sucker down! The creature inside the box growls and clicks until a smiling Morrigan pets it, promising it, “soon.” Another Gavrok demon?) She picks up the iron key and deftly unlocks one of the padlocks. “If Little Bo Bleep thinks she can play in the big leagues,” she says, smiling evilly, “let the games begin!”
Credits. By the way, I, for one, like the trimmed down opening credits as it gives several more seconds of show uncut by the adverts.
In Doctor Lauren’s flat, the doc is going over a medical chart and counting off the various tests she’s preformed on her patient. “EKG, MRI, EMV…” Vex is at the kitchen bar, hoovering his way through a bowl of grapes. “Oh, wake me up when you get to S&M,” he sneers. Doctor Lauren starts to patter her way through an explanation, but Vex cuts her off and demands that she not “sugar coat” the news. “Give it to me straight!” The doc confesses that there’s nothing physically wrong with Vex’s arm, “or your nervous system, or your muscular skeletal system, or—” Vex jumps up, frustrated. “Then—why—can’t I—” “Get it up?” Doctor Lauren quips “professionally.” Vex: “Oh, a right riot act you are.”
The doc sighs and begins again. “Since there’s no physiological reason for your mesmeric impotence,” she begins and idly scratches her head just as Vex raises his arm. He pounces. “Ah, I made you do that!” The doc glances at her hand. “No, actually, that was just an itch.” Vex: “Damn you!” Doctor Lauren finally concludes that what she’s trying to say is Vex’s condition might be psychological in nature. “What, are you saying I’m whacked? Like I’m a nutter?! A few hamsters short of a pint?” Yes, darling, but only in the very best of ways. The doc: “It’s not at all uncommon in a Fae your age.” Ooohhhh.
Insulted, Vex demands to know if Doctor Lauren has any idea to whom she’s talking. “You! Shall feel! The wrath! Of VEX!” he intones, and wields his mesmerizing hand. Not like that! The doc remains utterly unimpressed. “ARGH!” Vex shouts when he fails. “Why aren’t you strangling yourself right now?!” The doc hurries to assure him that it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, “I actually have this pamphlet!” Oh, I so want to see that pamphlet! “Do you find yourself struggling to access the full depths of your Fae mojo? Studies show that 1 out of 5 Fae are likely to lose that extra pep in the step as they approach that thousandth year…”
Vex slaps the pamphlet from Doctor Lauren’s hand. “Oh, save your pathetic bedside manner for your new presumably ‘temperate’ girlfriend!” The doc recoils all, “excuse me?” and Vex is all too happy to elaborate, “It can’t be easy keeping up with Energizer SuccuBunny!!” complete with groin thrusting for added emphasis, “though Dyson could!” That truth is not what the doc wants to hear, so she throws Vex out. Guess the consult is done then. “Any chance of a prescription refill?” Vex wonders as she hustles him out the door.
At The Dal (drink!), Vex is drowning his angst in a mug of beer while Trick polishes glasses. In the background, Dyson chalks his cue as Tamsin watches. No, really, he’s playing pool. “Bloody physicians,” Vex whines. “Imagine saying there’s nothing wrong with it. I mean, have you ever heard anything so—” he stops mid whinge as he notices that Trick isn’t paying him a damn bit of attention. “Hello?! Barkeep?!” he calls, startling Trick. “I’m talking to you!” Hilariously, Trick removes a set of ear plugs. “Still?!” HA! Vex can’t believe it. “Here I am, pouring out my heart to you and—” Unconcerned, Trick picks up the now clean glasses and turns his back on Vex. Oh, you really have been defanged there, haven’t you Vexy? Behind Trick, leaning against a row of liquor bottles, is a home-made sign: NO CREDIT. CASH CUSTOMERS ONLY. Now, who could have possibly inspired Trick to display that?! Hmmm.
Taking his shtick to other climes, Vex moseys over toward the pool table where Dyson is shooting 8 ball. Tamsin sneers whether Dyson wants to look at the case files she’s brought since she’s not there for her health. “Ah, absolutely,” he says, completely uninterested, as he bends over for another shot. “Gimme a sec.” Vex leans against a pillar and greets them, but neither cop can be bothered to give him the time of day. “Don’t even start, Vex,” Dyson warns. “I am not buying you another drink.” Vex: “Hey, I’m deeply offended!” Tamsin: “Good. Now go away.” Vex snits that she doesn’t own him and Tamsin shoots back that they’ve been listening to his same sad story for days. “The Dark doesn’t want me. The Light can’t stand me. My friends—oh wait,” she says to Dyson as he comes around the corner of the table. “He doesn’t have any friends, does he?” Dyson, in THAT VOICE: “Sucks to be Vex.” At the moment, apparently. Vex shouts that’s it’s an outrage and Dyson nearly laughs in his face as he jabs Vex out of the way with the base of the cue. “Nine ball, side pocket.” Hmmm. I’ll give you a pocket for your ball, wolf man. Oy, I said that out loud again, didn’t I? There should be an app for that...
Vex slinks back to the bar just as Bo power walks it, her ponytail exhibiting a life of its own as with all its bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun! Dyson turns from the pool table in time to catch her entrance and for a moment is stopped in his tracks. Bo catches his look and stumbles to a pause in her stride too. He blinks, kinda smiles, and gives her this ridiculously awkward and adorable half wave, which she returns in kind. You denying fools, will you just crack on together already?! Tamsin, so over everything, rolls her eyes. I share the sentiment, chickie, though likely not for the same reasons.
Bo sneers at Tamsin and joins Trick at the bar as in the background Dyson finally takes the file folder from Tamsin and adds a chiding look. Between Bo, Kenzi, and now Tamsin, I am so getting an, I am beset by females vibe from him. Okay, maybe just with Kenzi and Tamsin. Looking back over her shoulder at them, Bo immediately asks Trick what the deal is with “that chick.” Trick: “She’s just not feeling the love.” Little snarky there, Trickster. I approve. ‘Bout damn time there was someone around who couldn’t wait to fall over (or bend over, depending on the sitch) for Bo. No really, hero or not, it’d do her good not to be the sun in her little world once in a while. Hey, is Jobina out on work release yet?
Bo can’t understand why Tamsin isn’t on the “Bo’s the Best!” bandwagon, and Trick has to remind her that the Dark Fae cop thinks Bo is a murderer. “More importantly, what have you been up to?” Trick asks, concerned, as he reaches out to rub at a bruise on Bo’s chin. Frowning, it takes Bo a moment to catch on, but then she dismisses the bruise, as she did before with Kenzi. “The Morrigan again,” Trick correctly diagnosis but Bo insists it’s a “piece of cake” even as Trick warns her not to underestimate Evony. “After the whole Garuda meltdown, the Light and the Dark have agreed to play nice,” Bo reminds him. Trick returns the favor: “Unaligned means unprotected.” But Bo believes that she’s all covered with her precious insurance policy. She pulls out her mobile to show off the picture of a lingerie-clad Morrigan tied to her bed from S2E21. Trick sighs, not as confident in Bo’s photo library as a defense mechanism. Nearby, Vex perks up and starts to pay closer attention. Trick advises Bo that she should still talk to The Ash, and at least he’s dropped the “acting” moniker when he says that…for the moment. “You look like you could use a break. And I’m guessing Kenzi could too.” Vex chooses that moment to fake drunk bump into Bo and lift the ever-so-important phone with the insurance-policy photo from Bo’s tight, tight pocket without being noticed. Bo asks Trick what Vex’s problem is because apparently everyone is there to annoy her today. Despite days of Vex’s complaining to the entire Fae nation, Trick has no idea.
Back inside Siren’s Speakeasy (drink!), Hale (Hale!) tells Bo that she basically brought this situation with The Morrigan down on herself. Not being used to people calling her on her shit, especially when they’re right, Bo sneers, “Is this how you ‘roll’ now? Tough love?” Hale lays out how Bo handcuffed The Morrigan to her bed and turned it into a Kodak moment. To be fair, she did it as a necessary step to retrieving Vex and thus led her not-so-Merry Band of Fae against the evil of all time, but the facts still hold up. Bo accuses Hale of really being upset that Bo is jeopardizing his Fae United Nations experiment. “A Light cop partnered with a Dark cop?!” This situation really pisses her off, but not at all because of the Light/Dark mash up. Dyson’s got a new hottie dodging his every step and Bo really doesn’t like that. Hale’s “oh please” nonverbal when she first accuses him is a riot. Playa knows his people well.
He points out that cynicism like Bo is displaying is what’s kept the two sides of Fae from building a genuine peace. I don’t know why Bo cares so much, unaligned as she is, except for the fact that she is Light Fae in absolutely everything she does, except feeding. And Ryan. “Also, why do you care who Dyson is paired with?” Caught off guard by Hale putting it out there in front of her, Bo fumbles. “I don’t,” she replies. Hale, totally owning her, gives her a knowing smile. “Didn’t think so.” Bo drops her gaze as Hale moves on to suggest that he has something that might help her situation. “Just so happens, I had a declaration to the Light all prepared.” But Bo immediately resists that she is not going to be pressured into choosing a side out of fear. It’s all getting a little silly at this point as everything she does, not to mention her entire attitude towards any Dark Fae, aligns her to the Light in all ways short of being official. That makes this a childish digging in of feet because Bo doesn’t like being told what to do. Official alignment would put Bo under the auspices of either The Ash or The Morrigan whom she would then have to obey…which she already kind of does concerning The Ash when she wants to. Not that I blame her, mind you. I’m not big on the “obey” thing either.
Hale murmurs that “you can’t blame an Ash for tryin’.” Bo pops up, all righteous indignation, which is her usual response when people don’t do what she wants for good reason. She goes right for Hale’s weak spot. “I can handle this shit storm it’s just that Kenzi is starting to feel the strain.” But, again, Hale has her number. “Now who’s dishing out tough love?” Bo has the grace to acknowledge his point and moves to leave, but this time Hale pulls her back by adding that there is one thing she could do that might allow him to help her. “Since we got all Garuda-fied, I’ve been doing some serious inventory of the archives.” Yeah, you should check with Bo about that, seeing as she’s lifted at least two treasures from The Ash’s trove. “Seems someone has grabbed my Staff of Righteousness.” Oh, come on. Way too easy. “The staff is a piece of wood.” Now you’re just being silly, show. “Treasured, ceremonial, and very powerful.” I’m sure there are plenty of loose, hanging ladies for the H-bomb out there who can attest to the power of your—um—Staff of Righteousness, Hale. Huh. Turns out three obvious lures in a row was one too many for me to resist.
Hale passes over a piece of paper, presumably from the Trickopedia files, that has a drawing of the staff and a brief description. Hale informs Bo that it’s “currently believed to be in the possession of one
Michael Fassbender Mortimer Fassbinder, pawn broker and sleazebag.” Now, his staff of righteousness is indeed legendary. Bo concludes that if she brings Hales this “staff”…”I could probably post a security detail near your place,” Hale allows, “keep an eye out for The Morrigan’s pets.” Bo takes the deal and asks where to find this Michael Fassbender Mortimer Fassbinder, but Hale advises her to read the fine print first and turns the page over in her hands. “There’s something you should know first about the staff.” They exchange dire looks and Bo reads to the end.
Back in The Morrigan’s office, Vex struts in all cocky confidence. “Cheers Bruce!” he says to the giant at his back. Bruce/Steve raises both burly arms, all what the hell is wrong with you people that you can’t get my damn name right? Snicker. “Lovely lady!” Vex chirps at Evony. “It is your lucky day.” The Morrigan is not happy to see him. “I could have you killed just for crossing my threshold,” she growls. Vex clucks his tongue at her. “Bygones and all that.” He gets down on one knee and presents Bo’s phone to her. “A heartfelt expression of my loyalty to the Dark…and to you.” The Morrigan gazes down at Bo’s insurance policy. “I am beautiful in restraints,” she observes. That doesn’t stop her from deleting the photo. “Anything else?” she asks Vex, who doesn’t understand. “I thought you’d be pleased.” The Morrigan tells him that if he really wanted to please her, “you would’ve brought me that bitch’s head on a plate.” Vex sputters uselessly as The Morrigan drops something nefarious into a glass tumbler and then pours some scotch. “But maybe your recent bout of impotence has spread to your spine,” she says. Fortunately, her pity outweighs her disgust and she won’t have Vex killed….today. “Oh, you’re too kind,” Vex snarks. “We all have our crosses to bear,” she returns, deadpan. “Now drink up and go.” She hands Vex the glass and he does. The Morrigan promises that the next time they meet, “either you or Bo will be dead. The choice is yours.” Dun, dun, DUN!
Bo bursts into Doctor Lauren’s flat without knocking, staff in hand, her hands tellingly gloved, her ponytail still bouncing away as though it was dipped in crack. “Hey,” she chirps. Doctor Lauren looks up from her microscope to return a distracted “oh, hey.” I guess she’s full on practicing medicine from the flat now. Probably Hale’s Siren’s Speakeasy (drink!) didn’t have a side room for Monday-Thursdays, 10-4 PM hours. Interestingly, the doc is still wearing her necklace of ownership to The Ash so either she’s grown fond of the jewelry or someone is still a human slave.
Laying the Staff of Righteousness down on the kitchen bar, Bo asks what she’s doing. “Just some doctory stuff,” the doc replies as Bo strips off her gloves. “You know, I am actually interested in your work. You can talk to me about whatever it is you do.” The doc finally looks up. “Really,” she says dryly. “You want to hear about my latest monograph regarding the rhizome repellent gradient of Fae blood compared with human blood especially when suspended in an isotonic solution?” Bo: “Or we could just go to a movie.” Doctor Lauren: “Okay!”
She asks after the staff and Bo explains that it’s the Staff of Righteousness. Doctor Lauren: “The who of what?” Bo: “Don’t ask. Oh, and don’t touch!” The doc comes out from behind her scope and sidles over to Bo’s side. “Well, what can I touch?” Oh, someone’s looking for some afternoon delight. Also, I love, love, love her top so much it’s ridiculous. All those fabric ripples show off Zoie Palmer’s long, lean torso. Brilliant draping work.
Bo chuckles at the doc’s quip. The doc kisses her neck once, twice. “What’s gotten into you?” Bo asks, sighing. “Well, you know,” Doctor Lauren says, “nothing just yet but I was kinda thinking that we could just…” She whispers something naughty in Bo’s ear. Come on, you know it was naughty. Bo laughs and pulls her close. “Wow. And to think I just came by to see if I left my phone here.” Still in a playful mood, the doc begins to search Bo in various places for her phone, a search that requires loosening her clothes. “Gosh, no, with any luck, maybe you left it on vibrate.” Bo says she thought Doctor Lauren might be too tired after the mad loving of the night before. “Tired?” the doc says, feigning insult. “I am going for the gold in the succugames.” Bo laughs and strokes her hair. “Well, I don’t know what’s gotten into you.” I’m pretty sure it’s that she feels very threatened by Vex’s spot on assessment of the doc’s inevitable and inherent short-term ability to be a succubus’s main squeeze, but we can go with “just feeling frisky” if it makes everyone feel better. “But far be it for me to stand in the way of a young athlete’s dream,” Bo teases. They kiss and the doc proceeds to attempt another qualifying heat.
At Hilton Hovel (drink!), Vex is sprawled out on the couch, drinking from the bottle, when Kenzi trundles in. Let us all just pause and admire the wonder that is her outfit. I mean—holy crap—it’s like five fabulous flavors of awesomesauce. It’s red and black with a diamond shaped neckline and buttoned and fastened and flared and I’m not even gonna try to continue to describe it any further because there is no way I could do it justice. Where can I get that frock coat?! We wants the precious! “Hey V man!” she greets Vex. “Whatever,” he moans in reply. Kenzi: “Sounds like someone woke up on the wrong side of the pull-out couch this morning!” She perches on the table beside him and asks what’s up. “My arm,” he moans. Kenzi: “Again with the pity parade?!” She empathizes about his busted wing, “you can’t fly. You gotta walk around like the rest of us poor miserable humans. Welcome to KenziVille!” I want to go there! “Now you know what it’s like to be surrounded by superheroes every day. Suck it up, pathetico!” She snatches the bottle from his hand and struts around to the back of the couch. “Vex: “You know if I were you, I’d reconsider a career in social work.”
Shaking off a fast slug of booze, Kenzi asks if they can just forget about his “fae self” for a while and talk about something that’s really important. Vex: “Doubtful.” “Mascara!” Kenzi whispers intently. Vex’s head picks up as his eyes narrow on Kenzi. “You have my attention.” Kenzi fangrrl’s over Vex’s lashes as “frickin’ amazing!” Vex is aware. “Yeah, it’s all in the brush technique.” He pulls out his makeup kit. “I picked up a few tips from Da Vinci,” he confides. “As is The Code?!” Kenzi asks, not quite believing it. Vex: “Oh yeah, now there was a queen for ya. He was all over David’s ass like curry on chips.” That’s David the statue, right? Uh…huh. Kenzi wonders if he can help her with her clumps. Vex: “Oh please.”
“Hey y’all,” Bo calls as she enters. “What’s that?” Kenzi asks eyeing the Staff as Vex crooks a finger for her to lean toward him. Bo: “The end of a long story involving a greasy pawn broker and some hard core negotiating.” Vex: “Do you mind? We’re working over here.” Bo lays the Staff of Righteousness on the kitchen table along with her gloves and we get a nice, long look at it to remind us where she left it. “Anyone see my phone?” Bo asks, bouncing her way over to the couch to rustle around Kenzi and Vex for it. Vex twitches and goes back to applying mascara to Kenzi. “You say phone, what, your phone?” as though he’s never heard of a mobile in his long life. Bo tells him to “shift a cheek” so she can look under the cushion and as she leans over so her head is next to Vex’s, a totally gross bug crawls its way out of Vex’s ear and into Bo’s. “Nothing,” she murmurs, coming up empty, and then “Scootch!” with a swat on Vex’s rear that finally moves him over. Kenzi wonders where Bo last had the phone and Bo says she could’ve sworn she left it…”Yeah, iPads, iphones, electricity,” Vex interrupts, “it’s all just a fad really. Future’s analog and all that.”
Bo freezes in place as the screen goes all squirrelly with that pull-away-but-suck-you in camera maneuver like you fell into a pit of vertigo. Kenzi snags the mascara wand from Vex’s hand and goes to work on herself. “Am I getting it right?” Vex studies her technique. “Eh, um, just a little bit up.” Bo: “O. M. G.” Kenzi and Vex frown up at her. “You guys are so cute together!” Kenzi smiles at Vex. “Ha!” Vex grins up at Kenzi. “Heh.” Over in Siren’s Speakeasy (drink!), Hale wonders where he went all wrong. Bo sits next to Kenzi and pouts that she wishes she had a makeup buddy. “I thought she could be my friend, and she doesn’t even like me!” Kenzi wonders who Bo is talking about. “Tamsin!” Bo shouts as though it’s obvious. “She is so Mean Girl, right?” Vex’s hilariously swings his head back and forth between the women. What?! What?! “I mean,” Bo continues, “buy an actual personality already!” Vex: “Did you happen to rifle through my duffle bag and scarf down a couple of pills with tigers on ‘em?”
Bo gets this coy, pleased smile on her face. “I’m gonna go talk to Dyson,” she decides. “And B. T. Dubs. It is tres private!” She scuttles away in search of Dyson (such a good plan!) while Kenzi repeats “Private. (Doctor) Lauren’s pelt is gonna be steamed,” she sings triumphantly.
Recapper’s Tangent: What follows is an important scene IMO for various reasons between Kenzi and Vex that was cut from the U.S. run of Lost Girl and, to which, I had a helluva a response. As is the fashion in these recaps, I have struck through the words to indicate that the scene was cut for the U.S. showing. I have also struck through my—let’s go with passionate—response to what transpired and sundry. Feel free to skip that or any part should you wish. End Tangent
Vex frowns at Kenzi. “What’s it with you and the doc, I mean besides the terrible bedside manner and the fact that she’s a damn sight cleverer than you.” That was mean, Vex. Kenzi: “Not to mention, sneaky.” Preach it, sistah. “She spy banged Bo,” Kenzi reminds him. FINALLY!! I am SO TIRED of everyone trying to sweep that one out of sight. Talk about being a solo voice. Vex: “Dyson’s dropped kicked Bo’s heart ten times over and you still howl when he comes round.” OK, first of all, OH HELL NO. That is utterly untrue, to the point that I’m not even going to bother arguing it because it’s simply absurd. I’m sick to death of the best Doctor Lauren defense being “yeah, but Dyson did…” Grow up, already. Ten times. Pshaw. Give me a freaking break. Second, Vex could not give two shits about Bo’s romantic life or Kenzi’s feelings toward it, unless it provides him entertainment, which means this is more meta speak from The Powers That Be to rehabilitate Doctor Lauren and her past behavior with those fans who have yet to drink of the doccubus Kool Aid. Thus, it essentially subjugates the essence of Vex’s self-indulgent, narcissistic character to use him as a mouthpiece for that agenda. I mean, if it was Trick or even Hale, I would get it. They at least are personally invested in all three women in one way or another. But Vex? No. Not even in light of his new found affection for Kenzi. He. Does not. Care. Next time, just have him wink at the camera, hold up a poster board with block letters WE LOVE DOCTOR LAUREN AND SO SHOULD YOU, and be done with it already! Ironically, I would respect the show more for that because at least then it would own up to its true purpose rather than have a fan favorite puppet the party line against character. And ya know what? It’s Okay if there is one character on this show who is not a fan of Bo’s relationship with Doctor Lauren or of the doc herself! Exactly when did it become necessary for the doc to be liked, nay, preferred, by absolutely everybody? Why is Kenzi supposed to get in line and have no conflict with her friend’s choices – unless of course, that choice is Dyson, who takes an epic amount of shit on his character, much (though not all) of it undeserved, that no one seems particularly interested in defending, least of all Bo, except Kenzi who shares with him a unique level of intimacy? Of course, she is expressly in Dyson’s favor; they have hewed a deep, emotional back story/relationship together that belongs solely to the two of them and is completely outside of any connection to Bo. They switched bodies for crying out loud! She put her life on the line to restore Dyson’s soul and has yet to understand the true depth of her sacrifice to do it. She is the only one who turned back to drag his unconscious ass out from under a pile of Garuda berserkers when he sacrificed himself so Bo and their not-so-Merry-Band-of-Fae could escape! Why wouldn’t Kenzi want her best friend and her (essentially) brother who are in love with each other, to be happy together? Why is there such a campaign to convert Kenzi against her better judgment? She can support Bo without supporting Bo’s choices – it’s called family, dammit! Why is her choice, her independent decision, something to be sneered at or scorned if not campaigned against to alter? This show is based on choice, on freedom, on being empowered to live your life your way no matter how other people think you should behave, on holding true to your convictions no matter what – unless you favor Dyson over Doctor Lauren. Then you’re fair game and must be converted at all costs, apparently. Also, when the hell did it become open season on Dyson? How much more character assassination is he supposed to endure in absentia? The women are now literally beating on him, and he’s just left there to take it. Even his roundabout way to make Ice pay in some way for abusing his wife is sneered at by Tamsin as “playing hero”. As far as I see it (and, truly, with every effort to be as objective as may be possible), the wolf man has suffered plenty and often at the expense of his own well-being. Nobody can watch the back nine episodes of season two and think he’s having a good time. The jackhole episodes are jarring because they are so totally against his innate character. He is noble, reliable, clever, supportive without being sycophantic, and has a penchant for the timely hero arrival without stepping on a woman getting her bad ass on. He sees both Bo and Kenzi with absolute clarity and loves them for everything they are even when what and who they are drives him nuts. You frustrate the shit out of me sometimes but I still have your back. Is there so much insecurity in the state of things that Dyson’s character has to be beaten into the ground just to make everyone else feel more settled? That’s some crap friendship there, show. What exactly does everyone suddenly have against Dyson, outside of the fact that he has a penis and refuses to go away?! But, whatever. Back at Hilton Hovel (drink!), Kenzi is genuinely insulted by Vex’s accusation. “NO!” She gets up and starts to pace. “Listen, are you going to teach me the double pump smudge proof technique or not!” Vex sighs and drapes himself across the back of the couch. “I’m so proud of you,” he praises and crooks his finger again. “Come here.” Pleased, Kenzi returns to her seat as Vex goes back to mascara tutorial 101. “Right,” says Vex, “you got to move it like this, just at the ends, like a vibrator.” Kenzi: “Can’t you just…shake it fancy?” “It’s like a vi-brator,” Vex repeats, which, I guess he does not shake fancy. They are adorable together. Kenzi needs a playmate like this with whom she can relate and where it’s just about her for a change.
Over at The Dal (drink!), Bo and Dyson watch Tamsin who sits at the bar watching back, Trick behind her, watching all. “I do not like your friend,” Bo tells Dyson. “She’s not my friend, she’s my new partner,” Dyson explains patiently in a way that makes me suspect this isn’t the first time he’s pointed that out to Bo. She turns to face him and demands to know what Tamsin has been saying about her. “Because whatever it is, it’s not true.” Her mania pings as off for Dyson and he asks if she’s been drinking. “What like alcohol?” Bo scoffs and giggles. “I wish.” Her jaw drops dramatically as she gets an idea and she mouths oh my god! She grabs Dyson’s arm, swings him around, and shoves him into a chair. “Do you have fake ID?” she asks, crouching before him. Dyson: “What?!” Grinning and feeling a little wicked, Bo leans over to whisper “let’s do it!” and as she does, the creepy crawly transfers into Dyson’s ear and crawls down his neck. Bo: “Let’s get (shit) faced!” Dyson gives her A Look. “Okay, you are cut off. I’m gonna talk to Trick.” But as his head turns around toward the bar the same vertigo camera action swarms around Dyson as he too gets infected. He laughs, breathes deeply, and gets this look of deep pleasure on his face like he just hit the top part of a good high and then he shivers. He looks at Bo and she grins at him. “Wow, you’re so beautiful,” he says as though it’s the first time he’s ever seen her. He laughs, looks down her shirt, than jerks in place. “I’m sorry,” he says then laughs again and gets this utterly goofy smile on his face. “I got to go!” he says, jumping up. He takes a few steps to the bar, spins in place to smile at Bo again, and scampers off. Now, I’m the one wearing a goofy grin! I have a feeling I’m going to be using the word “adorable” a lot from here on in.
Doctor Lauren slinks into The Dal to find Bo gesturing wildly for the doc to join her. Giddy, she grabs the doc’s arm. “I think Dyson likes me!” Doctor Lauren’s eyes bug out. “Say what?” Bo: “Don’t tell anyone this, but I think I might kiss him.” The doc’s eyebrows go straight up. Bo turns around to look after Dyson who’s barely visible in the background at the bar with Tamsin and Trick. “Hi!” Bo whispers as she waves at him. Dyson, hilariously, waves back with another silly smile and exhales heavily. It’s like a Fae meet cute! It’s telling how the moment all the angst crap is stripped away, Bo’s instinctive emotional response is to head straight for Dyson and vice versa. Adorable. I have got to find another word! Behind Dyson, Trick is frowning at all of them while Tamsin leans down a bit to look around the back of Dyson and see who he’s waving at. At the sight of Bo, Tamsin then hilariously cants her head to look up at her partner and narrows her eyes all what the hell is wrong with you now?! Meanwhile, Zoie Palmer’s face is getting a full work out as the doc stands behind Bo watching and so not understanding what it is she’s seeing. There are all these tiny flicks and twitches that cross her face in seconds almost too fast to track. She rocks these quiet moments big time. The doc kinda smiles and nods to herself— okay then. Great—as Bo continues to grin across the room at Dyson.
Back at Doctor Lauren’s flat, the doc has her lab coat on and is examining Bo’s eyes. She notes that there’s no sign of concussion. “I’m stumped,” she admits. Bo: “You have little specks in your eyes that look like stars.” Really? Cool. Oh wait. Those are the pinpoint lights left over from having a doctor’s flashlight shined into your corneas. Still, the star specks sound cooler.
The doc puts her stethoscope to Bo’s chest and muses that, call her crazy but, “based on your little display at the bar,” and here she rolls her eyes, “I mean, I know that you and Dyson are friends, but—” Oh wow, honey, you are really living in a land of self-delusion, aren’t you? “Friends” doesn’t begin to touch it. Argh, that damned smug superiority of hers drives me crazy, especially when she uses it against Dyson in front of Bo. Sneaky is too small a word for it.
Bo couldn’t care less what the doc is saying as she grabs the scope and childishly shouts into it “Spill on aisle 3! Spill on aisle 3!” Flinching from the reverb backlash in her ears, the doc extracts the scope from Bo. Bo: “Come on! Let’s go to a movie. Wow, you are really hot. Have you ever kissed a girl?” Ha! Doctor Lauren, the fun killer, carefully explains that she needs Bo to sit very still so she can check her EKG. Instead, Bo puts one sticker each on their foreheads, makes the noise of a buzzer, and insists that they have now switched brains. “Hi. I’m Doctor Lauren. I don’t like to have any fun.” You said it, kiddo. “Take two frowny brownies and call me in the morning.” Hee. You know a frowny brownie has got to be spiked.
Doctor Lauren: “You’re really starting to scare me.” Bo playfully and repeatedly growls at her, complete with claw motion, like an enraged kitten. It’s adorable. The doc insists that Bo listen to her. “Have you come into contact with any strange Fae lately?” Wow, that question could cover so many things! Bo: “God! This is so lame.” No kidding. The doc yells at her—“Bo please!”—and Bo admits that there was “this one gross guy with a magic stick.” The doc peers at her encouragingly and Bo breaks up laughing and pointing at Doctor Lauren’s face all joke's on you! ‘Course this time, she’s actually telling the truth.
Back at The Dal (drink!), it’s Tamsin’s turn to run the pool table. Dyson dances over and scats on her name. “Hey, Tammers. ‘T-Sin’. Officer ‘Slamsin’”, complete with hand gestures. Snort. White boy attempting street slang never gets old. Tamsin: “Oh-kay.” Dyson looks at the pool table. “You playin’ with yourself?” he asks and then grins giddily at his juvenile entendre (cough-untundra-cough) because he actually is 15 years old right now. Tamsin wonders if someone spiked his “brewski.” “Dude,” Dyson says with a conspiring glance over his shoulder to look for anyone listening. Wait, is Dyson —chewing gum?! He is! That is so—strange an image. “This one time that totally happened. I got to be Kenzi. Nailed it!” Yes you did, darlin’! He makes the sound of a laser and finger guns the floor.
Tamsin tells him if he’s trying to throw her off her game “before we get down,” it’s working. Out of seemingly nowhere, Dyson wonders if Tamsin thinks Bo likes him. Tamsin doesn’t care. “I think I’m going to ask her out on a date,” he decides. Tamsin encourages him to knock himself out on that. “In the meantime,” she adds, pushing him out of the way to line up her shot, “you’re either in the game, or you are in my way.” Entertained, Dyson leans down next to her. “You are so bad ass!” he chortles. Oh honey, you have such a type!
Naturally, the creepy crawly takes the opportunity to change hosts again. Tamsin flinches then rolls her eyes toward Dyson. “Bo and Dyson sittin’ in a tree.” Dyson forcefully shushes her with a finger to his lips. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” she finishes chanting. Dyson crows, “That would be so awesome! But shhhh! Shuddup!” He glances around the bar. “People are listening.”Nobody’s listening! Keep going!!
Looks like Bo and Doctor Lauren made it back to the bar. Trick and the doc are conferring while Bo wiggles the head of some fertility statue or other. “Hey Gramps, what’s this?!” she calls out. “Seventh century!” Trick answers, hurrying over. “Please put it back in my study.” Bo thinks the statue is gross and Trick asks again that she put it back. Bo mocks Trick's request and then demands the car keys. Trick denies her. “If I don’t get the car keys,” Bo threatens. “I’m going to count to a hundred. In French.” Oh no! Not the dreaded French number counting!! You fiend!!
“Good grief,” Trick kinda laughs. “See what I mean?” Doctor Lauren patronizes. Petulant, Bo begins to count. “Un. Deux. Trois!” She heads to the bar itself as Trick and Doctor Lauren confer further. “You think this was caused by the job The Ash sent her on?” Trick asks. He replaces the statue and opens the book in his hand. Bo, from the bar: “Quatre!” Doctor Lauren suggests that Trick tell her. “Quatre!” Bo shouts again. “Could the Staff of Righteousness have symptoms like these?” the doc wonders, ignoring Bo. “QUATRE!” Trick: “CINQ! For the love of Aphrodite, it’s cinq!” Bo: “Sorry, French Police. Cinq.” She spins on the bar stool and prods the customer next to her. “Six.”
Trick tells Doctor Lauren that at first glance, there’s nothing in the lore about the Staff that would explain Bo’s symptoms. Did anyone think of going into the back room and, I don’t know, asking The Ash himself?! The doc claims that it’s a strange coincidence. Over by the bar, the customers have begun to cheer. The doc: “She goes off looking for the staff and comes back like...” Trick: “Pollyanna on mushrooms!” Trick finishes. Doctor Lauren agrees. “Hey,” Trick says with growing trepidation. “Where’s seven?”
Bo is up on the bar, dancing to “Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend.” Doctor Killjoy struts up to the bar, extends her hand, and demands that Bo get down. When she refuses, Trick uses the remote to kill the music. “Hey!” Bo objects. “Let me finish! Don’t Kanye me!” Heeeee. In the back of the room, Dyson throws his pool cue on the table drawing the doc’s and Trick’s attention. “You are a cheater!” he accuses Tamsin. Unnoticed, Bo sits on the bar. “Whatever,” Tamsin says. “You’re a cheater. And you’re getting a zit.” Dyson frowns at her. “Bo’s right. You’re mean!” He looks over at Bo who still sits on the bar and is now bouncing her feet. “Whatever this thing is,” Doctor Lauren intones to Trick darkly. “It’s contagious.”
At Hilton Hovel (drink!), Kenzi and Vex are on the couch and Kenzi is doing Vex’s eyebrows. “You’ve gotta forget about brown,” Vex advises. “Black is always the new black.” Too true. Doctor Lauren leads the Fae train into the room, Bo, Dyson, and Tamsin reluctantly in her wake. “You can’t ground us,” Bo sneers. “Yeah,” Tamsin agrees, “you’re not our Mom!” Dyson: “Yeah, we don’t even have to listen to you.” Oh, if only that were true for everybody. Vex: “So…Bo shagged them both daft?” Snicker. Not entirely beyond the realms of possibility this season. Ignoring him, the doc tells them they have a situation. “More like a shit-uation,” Kenzi says, getting a good look at the giddy triplets. Bo asks if Dyson and Tamsin want to see her room. Tamsin: “Ah—yeah!” Dyson is incongruously sporting a finger gun now. I’m thinking something got trimmed there. “Shotgun!” he shouts and quicksteps for Bo’s room, a giggling Bo and Tamsin on his heels. Vex, hilariously, gives Doctor Lauren this what the hell was that look complete with furrowed brow and spread arms and even mouths what?!
Puzzled, Kenzi rounds the couch to join Doctor Lauren who wearily explains that something’s made the three Fae sick, “and what’s worse is—” but utter surprise cuts her off as a Pig Man oinks his way into Hilton Hovel (drink!). Flabbergasted, Vex points at the Pig Man. “Is that—?” Kenzi: “A pig?” Pig Man begins to root around Hilton Hovel (drink!). “He’s looking for something,” Doctor Lauren helpfully expositions. “Or someone!” Kenzi adds, hurrying to put the desk between her and Pig Man. “Bo,” the doc moans. She quickly asks Kenzi where there is a knife, “or your—your trunk?!” They spread out, keeping Pig Man between them, and Kenzi tells the doc that both knife and trunk are upstairs. Doctor Lauren: “Well, what about your sword?” Kenzi: “Upstairs!” Doctor Lauren desperately orders Kenzi to think of something. “That’s usually your thing, doc!” Kenzi calls back. Really? Huh. Pig Man is paying attention because as Kenzi again yells “upstairs!” he glances up at the ceiling.
Vex leaps over the couch to land in front of Pig Man as it starts for the stairs and extends his mesmerizing arm. “This little piggy’s about to go to market!” he quips. But when nothing happens—again—Pig Man grabs Vex and flings him across the room. It next turns on Doctor Lauren, who is blocking its way. As usual, she cowers and screams for Bo. Wait—hang on—what’s this now? Lemme try that again. It next turns on Doctor Lauren, who grabs a standalone candelabra (of course there’d be one at Hilton Hovel (drink!)!) filled with half burnt candles and wields it against Pig Man. Wow, they really have completely redone her core character for season three.
Kenzi roots around for a makeshift weapon as the doc continues to struggle with and hold off Pig Man with the candelabra. Amazingly, none of the candles fall out. Sighting the Staff of Righteousness, Kenzi snatches it up. Immediately it goes all green glowy and, at her touch, it…grows substantially in size, even sprouting…branches. Honestly, you’re practically spoon-feeding the snark now, show! I dig it.
The doc shouts that they need a weapon as Kenzi gapes at the wood in her hand. Before she can figure out what to do next, the Staff displays a mind of its own (no surprise there) and jerks Kenzi around to clobber Pig Man across the back. He turns on her and she smacks him across the face. Pig Man rushes Kenzi and she ducks under his arm and slams his chest with the Staff so hard, it knocks Pig Man across the room and into the wall. Pig Man drops to the ground. Vex: “Blood-dy hell.” Doctor Lauren gasps, “Kenzi!” Kenzi gapes at the stick and, breathing hard, says, “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.” Snort.
The doc can’t figure out how Kenzi did that, but Kenzi is more concerned by the fact that she can’t get her hand to release the Staff. Vex is still trying to wrap his head around what he just watched Kenzi do. “Aren’t you the dark horse?” he murmurs. Well, yes, but she’s been proving that for two plus seasons now. The doc checks on Pig Man who’s lying unconscious in front of Kenzi’s drum kit. Kenzi hurries over, wielding the Staff just in case since she can’t detach it anyway. There’s a really cool camera angle from inside the wall and out through the slats broken by Pig Man’s impact. The doc checks Pig Man’s neck pulse and pronounces him dead. Do pigs have a pulse in their necks? “Dudes,” Kenzi exclaims, “all I did was pick up this stupid shillelagh and all of a sudden I’m…Darth Vader!” She looks increasingly pleased by that notion moment by moment. Easy there, young Padawan. The doc asks to see it because she’s suddenly an expert in Fae weapons. Vex takes her place next to Pig Man. “Yeah, about that,” Kenzi says, straining to let it go, “the shaft has got crazy glued to my hand!” Vex rises to his feet. “Yeeaahhh that happened to me once,” he commiserates with a knowing eyebrow waggle. “Painful.” Heeee.
Still at Hilton Hovel (drink!), Kenzi is fruitlessly trying to de-staff her hand and blaming Doctor Lauren for her current state. “’Grab a weapon’ she said,” she grits out to the doc. Doctor Lauren reaches for Kenzi’s hand to give de-staffing a shot herself. Think that might be out of your wheelhouse there, doc. “It seems to be an energy bond,” she muses, struggling. “So unbound it,” Kenzi duhs and the doc must admit that she can’t. “The wood is melded to your flesh!” Kenzi: “Worse hand job ever.” Taking matters into his own, erm, hand, Vex strides across the room to retrieve and display a large knife. So apparently there were other weapons at hand. Kenzi strenuously objects. “Whoa, Mack! The knife?!” Cute. Vex is nonchalantly confident. “Yeah, I saw it on TV! It cuts through wood—and tomahtoes!” But wait! There’s more! He gestures toward Kenzi with it; immediately, the Staff violently smacks the knife from Vex’s hand. He and Kenzi gape at the Staff of Righteousness. “Not my bad,” Kenzi whispers, increasingly pleased to Have The Power! “Stick bad,” she quips. She eyes the Staff up and down and smiles.
Upstairs in Bo’s bedroom, she sits on her bed while Dyson flips though her CD wallet and Tamsin hovers over his shoulder Really? CDs? Okay. “Plus…your music sucks,” he accuses, holding up and wagging a CD as evidence. Clearly, we had some trimming in the editing room here that took the set up for that line. “I bought that one ironically,” Bo says as Tamsin moseys over to rifle her trunk (not like that! Well, not yet, anyway.) “All of them, actually.” It looks like Dyson licks the disc before he puts it back as Tamsin draws a sword from Bo’s trunk. “Um, what the heck is this?” she asks. Dyson looks up, gets all excited and tosses the CD aside. “Ohhh look at that,” he asks in a Scottish brogue as Tamsin laughs and Bo jumps up off the bed. “What is with your voice?” she asks. “It went all Scottishy.” Dyson: “It has?” He puts his hands on his hips and preens. “Oh, do ya like it?” he asks, heavy with the brogue. YES WE DO!! Tamsin: “It’s lame.” Bo smiles, clearly liking it a lot. “No,” she says.
Kenzi hurries in with Doctor Killjoy. “Yo, peeps, we’re under attack!” Bo and Dyson just look at her. So? Tamsin rolls her eyes and her hands. “Biiiggg whoop.” Doctor Lauren gets her Spock on: “Fascinating. They seem to be immune to any sense of danger.” Dyson starts boyishly laughing and pointing at Kenzi and presumably, her Staff. Kenzi gives him a look of disgust. “Oh for God’s sake, hey!” she yells, leading with the staff. Hilariously, Dyson carelessly tweaks the tip of the staff with one finger so it bobs in place. Bo is paying no attention to her bestie, instead is slowly sidling ever closer to Dyson. Kenzi yells at them all. “We have a dead man pig in the living room. I have a tree stuck to my mitt. And I did not sign up for the babysitters club!” Dyson obnoxiously mimics Kenzi with his hand. Bo deliberately bumps into Dyson’s arm and chortles. “A-ha, Dyson touched my boob!” She slaps his shoulder playfully, still laughing. Dyson: “It was an accident! It was with my elbow. That doesn’t even count! Come on.” Kenzi is completely done with all of them, “Seriously?!,” while Doctor Lauren looks like she’s had to swallow something noxious.
Tamsin brings them all to order. “Guys, guys, guys!” Pause. “Let’s order pizza!” Dyson snaps his fingers and points from his head to Tamsin and drawls out “Yes!” in THAT VOICE while Bo makes approving noises. The doctor expounds that for some reason only the three of them seem affected but until she's sure, no physical contact should be had with any of them. Bo and Dyson are oblivious to anything she’s saying off on the side doing their own nonverbal thang. Dyson finishes some boogie move hip swivel over the pizza idea and Bo lifts her arm to ostensibly protect her boob from another wayward elbow feel while eyeing him with appreciation. This generates a hot look and low “hmmm?” from Dyson to which, by the look on her face, Bo is not immune. Whatever else is going on, it’s clear KHR and AS are having the time of their lives being goofy together.
As Kenzi and Doctor Lauren retreat back downstairs, Bo shouts, “Double cheese!” and high fives Tamsin and Dyson. “Yeah!” agrees Tamsin. “Double cheese!” Dyson repeats and the three of them line up to watch Doctor Lauren and Kenzi exit. Dyson starts up a chant. “Piz-za! Piz-za!” and Tamsin joins in. Doctor Lauren turns in the doorway for one last instruction. “And you three? Stay put.” Bo shouts after her: “Get the pizza!” With Sour and Sour Puss gone, Dyson and Tamsin return to Bo’s weapons trunk while Bo goes to examine a CD. “Where’d you get these?!” Dyson asks, delighted and back in brogue, as he removes and wields a sword. “It’s fantastic!” Tamsin demands he give it to her and takes it. Bo throws the CD back on the dresser. “Totally lame!” Dyson dives back into the weapons trunk and excitedly draws out another sword. “Oh! There’s another one! C’mere yooo!” He and Tamsin start to slowly mock duel. I am LOVING all of this. It is SO GOOD to see the fun come back to FaeVille!! I don’t even care that it’s Dark Fae larva-induced. There’s been way too much doom and gloom in these parts for way too long.
Downstairs, Vex examines Kenzi’s stuck shaft while Doctor Lauren puzzles the puzzle. She doesn’t understand if the disease only targets Fae (though there’s no hard evidence yet to conclude that), “Why isn’t Vex infected,” Kenzi concludes. Vex: “Well perhaps my superior genetic makeup has rendered me immune to embarrassing afflictions.” He shoots a look at the ceiling in case anyone’s in any doubt what he finds to be embarrassing at the moment. Seated behind him, Doctor Lauren grows increasingly intent in her examination of the back of Vex’s head. “What is that?” she wonders. Vex frowns. Kenzi hurries around to see to what the doc refers. “You have a…strange pustule behind your ear that wasn’t there when I examined you last.” Kenzi gags as she sees it and covers her mouth. “Pustule. Ew.” The doc grabs tweezers from her bag and carefully removes what turns out to be an empty cocoon from behind Vex’s ear. Kenzi moans and groans. “AH. EW with a double side of hurl!” Vex cradles his ear and demands to know what it is. The doc explains that it’s what’s left of a cocoon. “You’ve been used as an incubator.” She’s fascinated by the cocoon. I bet I know what’s going beneath her scope later tonight. Hope for Kenzi’s sake Doctor Lauren doesn’t immediately call down a brutal and deadly quarantine on Hilton Hovel (drink!)…again.
Kenzi wants to know what used Vex to incubate. Doctor Lauren: “My guess? A parasite.” Vex is horrified. “What? I’m UNCLEAN?!” Doctor Lauren all but rolls her eyes as she tells him to relax because it isn’t in him anymore. “But where could you have picked this up? Have you been with any strange Fae lately?” This is your default question of the day, isn’t it doc? And couldn’t an argument be made that Fae by their very nature, are all strange? Vex takes a moment to think back over his recent past—and instantly pings on the answer. Realizing how badly he’s been played, he rubs his hand over his face. “Oh, damn bitch!” Doctor Lauren and Kenzi together: “What’s that?!”
Vex realizes he’s said that aloud (I know how you feel, mate) and tries to backtrack. “Oh, nothing, ah, I was just saying how devastated I was over all of this.” He prods at the back of his ear and backs toward the door. “Listen, I’m gonna get some help from Trick, all right? I’m gonna make things right. All right?!” Honestly, I think he means it. He does not like being used and his obvious affection for Kenzi would make him doubly insulted that The Morrigan forced him to unknowingly bring something to Hilton Hovel (drink!) that could threaten her. He hurries out while the doc and Kenzi exchange puzzled looks. By the way, the doc is still holding the empty cocoon aloft in the tweezers. Snicker.
On a rooftop somewhere in Toronto on what looks to be a seriously crappy weather day, The Morrigan lounges on a circular shape sofa complete with oval awning. Oh, Monkey Boy! Vex runs across the rooftop. “What the hell did you do to me!” he shouts at her. Unruffled, Evony admits that she used him to spread a parasite. Vex: “What KIND of bloody parasite?!” “The parasitic kind,” The Morrigan duhs. “Saps its victims with nymphoidhormones. Turns them into self-obsessed brats too young for Fae powers.” She is very pleased with herself for this maneuver. Vex concludes that this will leave Bo, Dyson, and Tamsin totally vulnerable to attack and The Morrigan confirms it. He spins in place considering and drops onto another lounge sofa. “But what about the other white meat? Relatives of yours?”
“The infected,” The Morrigan says with enough emphasis to show that she caught his dig and is doing Vex the favor of ignoring it, “emist a, pungent, ” she pauses to inhale with pleasure, “pheromone that attracts a nasty breed of UnderFae in for the kill.” Vex: “Yeah, well, luckily, Kenzi pounded little piggly wiggly into UnderFae bacon with her magic shillelagh!” The Morrigan asks after the “succubitch.” “Still alive and singing,” Vex admits with some disgust. “Along with the other TwiHards,” which is a reference I do not get at all as the infected triplets have no relation to Twilight whatsoever, but whatever. “Dyson and his new partner,” Vex clarifies.
This pings The Morrigan’s happy place. “Oh! Now this is getting interesting. Three of my favorite people trapped in one place with no way to defend themselves.” Vex chews on his fingernails as he listens with increasing trepidation. He knows Evony all too well to think something good is going to happen when she gets all plotty. “And she’s got the Ash’s play stick,” The Morrigan murmurs. In more ways than one. And exactly how do you know that, Evony, hmmm? Vex eyes her warily as Evony sidles over to sit next to him. “You want to prove your loyalty to the Dark?” she asks. “Finish off the teen trio and bring me the Staff of Righteousness.” Vex, knowing that what she asks of him will mean betraying Kenzi, asks what he’ll get if he does and Evony promises to find him some entry-level position. Not good enough. “I want all titles restored, a million in cash, and my club!” Vex demands. “I want it back!” “There’s the Vex I remember,” The Morrigan coos. Vex himself doesn’t look too please to be that man again.
At Hilton Hovel (drink!), Kenzi fiddles uselessly with the stuck-on staff. “’Grab a weapon’, she said,” she gripes again while the doc paces behind her. “For the hundredth time, Kenzi,” she says, exasperated, “I didn’t know!” Kenzi, complete with jazz hands: “Alert the media! There is something Doctor Flawless doesn’t know!” The doctor tells her this is hardly the time. “Course it isn’t,” Kenzi snarks, “'cause that would be messy.” Doctor Lauren loses her temper and yells at Kenzi. “Do you think just once, maybe just once, you could try to be—” “What?! What?!” Kenzi demands. “Helpful!” the doc answers. The fuck you say? Kenzi, deadly calm. “Excuse me?”
“Sure,” the doc continues, gloves off, “Because everybody else does. You just bounce through life, no job, no plan, from one beer to the next and still everybody dotes on you, don’t they?” Okay, you’re gonna want to step the hell back from the sidekick there, missy. Who THE HELL do you think you are?! Just because there is someone (two) who Bo cares about as much if not more than she does you doesn’t mean you get to take your petty jealousy out on Kenzi. Nobody excuses Kenzi; she fights and earns her place every damn day and more than once has been pivotal to saving Bo from herself as well as other Fae not to mention what she’s done for Hale (fake date for Family Night and Fae Formal), Trick (bargaining with the Lightening Bird) and (yes, again!) Dyson! While you stamped your foot in Lachlan’s throne room and whined I cannot go on like this, Kenzi got dumped into her own personal nightmare hell in an alternate Fae universe, picked up whatever weapon she could find on hand, and said bring it on, bitch. So Step. Off.
“What do you care where they dote?” Kenzi snaps, getting to the heart of the matter. The doc cares not that Bo dotes on Kenzi, but that she doesn’t do the same with the doc, and Doctor Lauren knows that if pushed to choose, Bo will pick Kenzi every time. But having exhausted her rare flare of direct communication, Doctor Lauren reverts to her regular passive aggressive state. “Just forget about it,” she mutters. Now Kenzi gets righteously pissed and jumps to her feet. “Yeah, what is that?! Why are you always rolling your eyes at me with your normal upbringing and your medical degree?” This is the one place where Kenzi feels insecure, that she’s street smart, not book smart, something the whole world has always thrown in her face.
Doctor Lauren emotionally insists that Kenzi doesn’t know anything about her life. “I know that you think you’re too good for me!” Kenzi counters. “No, I don’t actually!” the doc disagrees. “You think that I’m not good enough for Bo!” Her allegation stops Kenzi mid retort, mostly because both the sentiment and the accusation are true. Kenzi struggles to come up with some explanation and settles on the heartfelt, “She’s my best friend!” The doc knows this; it’s what is most vexing to her, that no matter how much she wants to, she can’t do anything to interfere or sever the bond between Kenzi and Bo and Kenzi has no interest in including her with them.
”And I love her,” the doc says passionately. “I know!” Kenzi shouts with aggravation. “I know!” she repeats, frustrated that, for the moment, there’s nothing she can do about that. She paces away and works to get herself back under control. “Are you sure we’re not infected?!” she asks and the doc sighs. It would be so much easier if they were. “No,” she admits. “We’re just…stupid.” Kenzi takes the olive branch. “Well, I prefer,” she says, lifting the staff, “emotional.” Doctor Lauren smiles slightly and rolls her eyes again. She takes a deep breath. “Moving on?” she offers. Kenzi nods. “Killer pig?” the doc suggests. “Yeah. Okay.” Kenzi says softly. I like very much that they didn’t try to resolve the issue in the moment, merely allowed the (for once) frank talk to come out without trying to force a shiny happy people moment…for now.
Upstairs in Bo’s bedroom, Dyson is sleeping on the floor (why is that again now?) while Tamsin and Bo canoodle on the bed, sharing secrets. Bo can’t believe she ever thought Tamsin didn’t like her and Tamsin ruefully admits that she doesn’t think she was supposed to like Bo. “I’m a Valkyrie,” she admits in a whisper and then frowns. “I think.” Bo thinks this is awesome, but then she has no idea what a Valkyrie is and apparently neither does Tamsin. “But, sometimes when I like people, I have to make them go away.” Bo wonders what she’s talking about and Tamsin asks if she can keep a secret. Bo gets a super serious look on her face, rises to her knees, crosses her heart, kisses her finger and dramatically promises to do so “till I die.” But Tamsin is still unsure— “I’m not supposed to.” Bo gets an idea and scampers across the room to retrieve pen and paper. They decided to write down their deepest, darkest secrets…in poetry, which Tamsin thinks is way cool. “But like real poetry,” Bo insists, “the kind that rhymes.” Hee hee. Tamsin pauses mid-verse creation and sighs. “You’re really awesome,” she says to Bo. Bo pauses in her composition to smile back. “No. You’re really awesome.” Awww. Best Friends Forever! Or at least until the disease fades. They giggle and go back to their poems.
Downstairs, Kenzi and Doctor Lauren roll the dead Pig Man over. Doctor Lauren helpfully points out how its snout is similar in genetic makeup to a pig…hence the term “Pig Man.” “It was scenting out its prey; it knew which one of us was infected with the parasite.” Kenzi: “Hurray for the truffle pig.” The doc warns that these creatures travel in packs and how she knows that is too wearying at this point to puzzle on. “When their buddy doesn’t return?” Kenzi: “They’ll all go hog wild?” Heh. Kenzi doesn’t even think that her “wonder whacker” will be enough to save them and the doc adds that’s why they need Bo and the others back to normal. “Based on the secretions that I pulled from the cocoon on Vex, I think I can cobble together an anti-toxin for the parasite.” She needs time, “and a lab, maybe?” Kenzi adds for us all. The doc says she has a few basic supplies in her kit that should suffice but she needs Kenzi to gather a list of household ingredients, including “garlic, hairspray, and lubricating oil.” Kenzi, without looking up from her pad where she’s taking notes: “Flavored or bulk?” The doc removes a sterile swabbing kit from her bag. “As for me,” she intones as though about to face her death, “I’m going upstairs to take a swab.” We who are about to die somewhat wave to you. Kenzi heads her off at the pass. “You’re going in solo, without backup?” Doctor Lauren: “I think I can do this.” I’m missing the reason for all the drama here, but okay. Kenzi reluctantly allows that the doc is as stubborn as she is bossy and waves her onward with a whispered “Godspeed!”
Staff still in hand, Kenzi is gathering the requested items when Doctor Lauren stumbles back into the room from upstairs and collapses against the doorframe. One sleeve of her fantastic leather jacket is torn at the shoulder. “What happened?!” Kenzi demands. “I don’t want to talk about it!” the doc replies, panting. She holds the swab aloft triumphantly. “But! I got it!” Kenzi: “Sure did!” The doc comes into the kitchen and surveys the bounty Kenzi managed to amass. “Wow,” she says, surprised. “Nice job.” Unsure how to take a compliment from the doc as she's never given her one before, Kenzi updates that she also set up an early warning system outside, “Home Alone style.” Doctor Lauren agrees that it’ll help and gets to work. Kenzi notes that the doc must have gone to some “crazy-assed medical school” to be able to make the home grown anti-toxin. Doctor Lauren chuckles ruefully that Yale taught her chemistry and physiology but that “this kind of stuff is just experience and luck and whatever I figured out in the field.” Kenzi asks after the kind of “field” to which she refers. “Afghanistan,” the doc clarifies. Ow! I just rolled my own eyes so hard, I hurt myself. Naturally, Doctor Lauren has combat medical experience. That’s why, up till her recent character reinvention her instinct is to cower whenever someone attacks. But, whatever. It’s way past time we got more back story to Doctor Lauren besides “I went to Africa and all I got was enslaved to the Fae.” I just wish it wasn’t so ludicrously manipulative.
Kenzi is visible impressed by this revelation. “Shit, dude. How long?” Doctor Lauren sighs. “Long enough.” Kenzi wonders why the doc never mentioned it before and Doctor Lauren pauses in her chemistry experiment to say “you never asked.” Kenzi has no reply because the doc’s right, mostly because Kenzi never cared to ask.
Upstairs, Tamsin and Bo are on either side of the bed. Bo’s head is twisted around toward the bathroom from where the noise of Dyson taking an extensive piss sounds. Tamsin kinda rocks in place, trying not to listen but honestly there’s no avoiding it as it's helluva loud. Bo needles Tamsin that she’s listening to Dyson “take a whiz.” Uncomfortable, Tamsin immediately denies it. Bo giggles and asks if Tamsin read her poem. “It was stupid, right?” Meanwhile, Dyson’s –erm – actions go silent. Tamsin admits that she liked Bo’s poem “a lot.” Bo: “Yours was…really beautiful…in a way…but it was really, really sad,” she concludes. Bo says she wishes there was something she could do to help Tamsin. “You can’t help me,” Tamsin says sadly. “Nobody can.” I like that they’re weaving in some actual character and plot development here, allowing the women’s reversion to adolescence to bring out their vulnerability in a positive way as they share heart-felt confidences their adult selves would instinctively protect and hide.
Tamsin holds up her poem. “Our secret?!” Bo gets that super serious dramatic look again and repeats “Cross. My heart.” They both look at their poems and, as one, crumple them up and swallow them whole. Well, that’s one way to keep a secret. I guess. Their faces while chewing the paper are a riot. Hmm. Doesn’t taste too bad.
Downstairs, Doctor Lauren is sifting the anti-toxin. “Make mine a Faecuccino please,” Kenzi moans. The doc explains that she’s just straining out the impurities “God, I hope.” Suddenly, there’s a clanging noise outside and a cat shrieks in offense. “Perimeter breech!” Kenzi says, striding over to take a look out the window. “We’ve got company!” The doc asks how many, but Kenzi can’t get a good head count as more keep arriving. “It’s not ready!” the doc worries. There’s more banging and Kenzi faces the door as the Pig Man enter…led by Vex. “The three little piggies are back!” he exclaims raising his hands. “And this time, it’s personal.” Oh honey, we need to get you some new tag lines. Doctor Lauren calls out Vex’s name. Kenzi: “Dude, what are you doing?!” Vex: “I’m going home!” and he gets out of the way as the Pig Men attack.
Kenzi is laying out all kinds of bad ass against the Pig Men with the Staff. Laughing, Vex ducks underneath a swing and grabs her close, front to back. “You slimy son-of-a-bitch!” she snarls. “Oh, your words are like tiny little daggers in my heart!” he chortles. Kenzi: “I trusted you!” Vex: “Yeah, well, just give us the rugrats so we can all go home!” The Staff pulls Kenzi’s hand up to bash Vex in the face, freeing Kenzi. “Not on your miserable life!” the doc shouts and throws a bar stool at Vex. He slams up against the wall and—stops as the downbeat of '80s rock peppers down from the bedroom upstairs. They all look up at the ceiling. “Duran Duran?!” he asks, mystified as “Hungry Like the Wolf” plays on. I’m on the hunt now after you. Vex flees Hilton Hovel as Kenzi eyes the Staff of Righteousness with renewed appreciation.
Upstairs, Dyson is dancing on Bo’s bed to “Hungry Like the Wolf.” LOVE IT!!!! Tamsin and Bo kneel on the floor at the foot of the bed keeping rhythm. Dyson strips off his shirt, throws it between the girls who giggle like groupies, grabs the top curtains of Bo’s canopy bed, arches his back, and howls “And I’m hungry like the wooooooooollff!!!!” Dying! He jumps up and down and dances more as the girls cheer him on. Beneath the music, Kenzi’s voice yells up the stairs, “Bo! HELP!” Tamsin says that it sounds like Kenzi, but Bo just shrugs and goes back to playing air drums with her utensils and watching Dyson. The chorus works its way back around again as Dyson tries to find his rhythm and ends up clawing the air playfully like a wolf as he sings the tagline and arches his back and howls again. Best. Scene. Ever. My giddy aunt, how I have missed the FUN!
As Duran Duran—and Dyson—go on howling, Kenzi gives herself over to the Staff while Doctor Lauren…calls for Bo. We are treated to an awesome display of Ksenia Solo’s graceful, fluid, gorgeous, ballet-trained inspired movements as she swings, dips, twirls, and sways her way through the room, hacking left and right at the Pig Men with the Staff of Righteousness. There’s even this one amazing move where she actually does a full vertical spin on one leg, dipping her head down so close to the floor as she swings through the arc, I can only imagine how she managed not to whack it. Holy crap, Ksenia! She finishes in a kung fu stance with Pig Men sprawled across the floor before her. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Kenzi.
Upstairs, Duran Duran and Dancing Dyson still hold sway. “Crank it, Tammy!” Bo yells. Tamsin hops up and hurries over to crank up the volume. The camera shoots up the front of Dyson from just behind where Bo sits on the floor, highlighting his entire, half-naked, full-happy form. He bounces along, getting hippy with it, loving the boogie, and I am slain, slain, by the cuteness. I love how AS, RS, and especially KHR have completely thrown themselves into this scenario, holding nothing back, going full-on goofy and having a great time doing it.
Downstairs, Kenzi is kicking ass as Doctor Lauren announces that the serum is ready. She preps a hypodermic needle and announces that she has to get upstairs. “Go long and wide, Doc!” Kenzi shouts. “I got you covered.” The doc prances across the room and up the stairs. She pauses at the door to ask if Kenzi is going to be okay. In answer, Kenzi glides through a few more moves and whacks some more Pig Men to the ground. “Sure,” she says, out of breath. “This is kind of fun.” Doctor Lauren: “Okay. Way to not over think it.” Probably a good axiom for this entire show this season. Except, whoops, too late. As she leaves, Vex saunters back into Hilton Hovel (drink!). “Hey!” he calls to Kenzi. “Twinkle Toes. I’ll be having that wee staff of yours.” Kenzi swings the Staff up into attack position. “Come closer,” she taunts.”Let me give it to you.” Vex would be delighted to do exactly that and to prove it, raises up the handy dandy ax he stumbled upon outside.
Upstairs, Dyson has put his shirt back on (boo!) while Tamsin is now stripped to her bra and Bo to her black camisole. They sit in a circle on the floor, kneeling on pillows. Bo is barefoot. Tamsin demurs that this isn’t really like any Spin-the-Bottle game she’s ever played. Dyson looks between the two girls. “Oh, it’s new rules,” he assures them pulling off a guileless expression about as well as you might expect. “Are you sure?” Bo asks. Dyson nods eagerly: “Absolutely. I read it...somewhere.” Thank God he never attended actual high school. I have a feeling Jane Austen got off bloody easy. He holds the bottle of shampoo out to Bo. “It’s your turn,” he directs with an eyebrow waggle. She snatches the bottle and spins; it lands on Tamsin. “Guess I have to kiss you now!” Bo chirps. Tamsin glances at Dyson, but she’s game. The girls get up on their knees, each in a bridge, and lean in for the kiss. Framed between and behind them, Dyson watches…avidly. As Bo pulls back, her eyes go succubus blue. This is odd since, according to The Morrigan, she’s reverted to a pre-power age. I wonder if she instinctively tried to feed as soon as she locked lips with Tamsin and that immediately began to heal her from the parasite’s affects.
“Man, what are you?” she asks Tamsin, breathing heavily. It would seem like the Valkyrie packs a punch. But Tamsin insists that it was all Bo. This is exactly when Doctor Lauren skids to a stop in the doorway. She stares down at Bo and Tamsin. “Are you playing Spin-the-Bottle?” she asks as though not sure whether to believe her own eyes. She is not at all happy about it either as Bo kissing Tamsin is, in her eyes, far more en pointe than gushing over Dyson. Dyson looks up and nods with another goofy grin. Dude can’t believe his luck tonight. “Oh, that was so dope,” Bo says in a low guttural voice, completely ignoring Doctor Lauren. “Let’s do that again,” she says to Tamsin and moves in for another kiss. “Okay,” says a breathless Tamsin, all eager. “Yeah, let’s not,” Doctor Lauren strongly disagrees. She stabs Bo in the shoulder with the needle. “Ow!” Bo shouts. Dyson: “Hey! Where’s our pizza?!” Doctor Lauren presses the plunger on the needle and cants her head to glare at Dyson. “There’s no pizza coming.”
Downstairs, Kenzi advances on Vex. “C’mere you little…” But as she reaches him, the Pig Men get to her feet and restrain Kenzi. “Ah,” Vex giggles. “I believe ‘wanker’ is the word you’re looking for.” When you’re right, you’re right, Vex. Kenzi calls Vex a dirty traitor… in Russian (closed captions, baby!) as he circles around her. “And to think I shared my limited edition purple pixie glitter with you!” she adds. Vex: “Aw you think—sharing makeup makes us friends?” Kenzi begs him not to do this. “I thought you were your own man,” she sneers. Vex: “I am my own man. And I happen to have an ax.” Kenzi counters that he’s not doing this for himself. “You’re doing it for that stupid bitch!” Vex lunges forward and grits out that anything is better than this! “I mean look at me! I’m sleeping on a couch! People are laughing at me to my face!” Kenzi yells that Vex can’t believe The Morrigan is just going to welcome him back. “Listen love, you’ve obviously read the book on hostage negotiation 101. Can we just skip to the bit where you tell me I’m better than this?” Kenzi earnestly insists that he is. “But what if I’m not?!” Vex growls, raising the ax again to strike. “Losing your powers was the best thing that could have ever happened to you,” Kenzi insists. “I feel like I’ve finally met the real Vex.” Vex hesitates and Kenzi presses her advantage. “He is a true artist. He is a gentle soul.” Okay, now you’re pushing it, sweetie. “And he will not be trifled with, not even by her. He’s done with that!”
The Pig Man holding Kenzi brushes her hair out of the way and lunges for her neck. So I guess we’ve got vampire Pig Men on the docket tonight. Kenzi gasps and silently pleads with Vex. Vex grunts loudly, swings the ax down, and connects hard. He lifts the ax again and now there is blood on the blade. Doctor Lauren walks in. “Oh Kenzi!” Kenzi grunts and shoves the now dead Pig Man off her as she sits up. “I’m getting soft in my old age,” Vex moans. The remaining Pig Men prod their fallen comrade as Kenzi scrambles to stand on her feet next to Vex. “Good choice!” she says, wagging the Staff at him. “Good choice!!!” The Pig Men don’t agree and, as one, turned their pissed off snouts toward Kenzi and Vex who immediately drop into defense positions. “It’s all right,” Doctor Lauren assures them, glancing over her shoulder toward the bedroom. “She’s coming.” Upstairs, a newly-adultized, suddenly boot-wearing, and far less fun Bo draws her large dagger. “Time for Mama to bring home the bacon,” she quips. And to where exactly have Dyson and Tamsin conveniently disappeared?
Kenzi and Doctor Lauren looked out the barred up window and watch Bo fry up some Pig Man bacon outside, wincing as she knocks them down. “I don’t think I’d mind getting my ass kicked by someone that hot,” Kenzi muses. “That had to hurt!” the doc observes. Kenzi notes that Bo got one and she’s got one to go, and then Doctor Lauren updates that Bo got that one too, just as Vex cautiously wanders up behind them. “Bo for the gooolld!” Kenzi calls. Vex clears his throat to get their attention and Kenzi turns, Staff still in hand, to look at him. “Ah, alls well that ends well, yeah?” he offers. “No hard feelings?” Doctor Lauren, still watching Bo kick the holy shit out of the Pig Men, turns slowly and then out of nowhere clocks Vex across the face with a right hook. Sure, whatever. Kenzi: “Girl you got some gaaaame! True.” She offers Doctor Lauren a fist bump, which the doc returns only to have to shake off the pain as it’s the same hand she just used to hit Vex. The two women turn back to watch the Bo show.
Back at The Dal (drink!), Dyson sits at the bar nursing a mug of beer and feeling mildly confused. “The whole thing is blank,” he muses. The camera tracks down to show Bo sitting next to him, bottle in hand, and equally puzzled. “But fuzzy like…like there’s something there but why can’t I remember?” she asks Dyson. The camera moves along to show Tamsin on Bo’s right, rubbing her temple and working her way through some liquor. “Because you’re not supposed to,” she explains wearily. “We’re probably better off this way.” Bo: “Uh, good call, Tammy.” Tamsin glares at Bo who quickly corrects herself. “I mean, Tamsin.” Tamsin unhappily chirps, “Okay. All I know is that this latest crapfest has caused a whole mess of Fae paperwork. So! Thank you for destroying my weekend and goodbye.” She’s just an endless ray of sunshine, isn’t she?
Tamsin exits and both Bo and Dyson track her briefly. “Well, that girl is just no fun at all!” Bo decides and Dyson murmurs nonverbal agreement. He takes another slug of beer as Bo considers her bottle and starts humming “Hungry Like the Wolf.” After the first nine notes, Dyson joins in and they hum along together for a few seconds and then as Dyson takes a deep breath, they both clue in. They look at each other and share a small smile but it quickly turns into awkward as though they just had a clear image of how much fun they had together and we can’t have that so both return to their drinks and avoid each other’s gaze. Dyson’s brow furrows as he slurps from his mug and he sneaks a peak at a frowning Bo from the corner of his eye.
Down in Tolkien’s Lair (drink!), Trick is reading from a text while Kenzi’s paces the lair, still attached to the Staff. “The one who touches the Staff of Righteousness shall take up the noble cause,” Trick reads, “and accept the sacred mantle of Ruler of Forest Nymphs and Wood Sprites.” Here Kenzi pauses to shoot him a frown. Say what? “And fight for truth and justice throughout the land to the end of their natural days,” Trick concludes. Kenzi: “You’re kidding me!” Trick, not at all kidding, tells her she’s taken on a huge responsibility. Kenzi insists she just picked up “a frigging stick!” Trick is unmoved. “That’s how destiny works. One day you’re you, and the next day…” Kenzi: “I’m a superhero.” Trick chuckles. Kenzi takes a breath and decides to count down the pros and cons of her new state. “I could be awesome forever.” Oh honey, you achieved that one long ago. Trick: “Yup.” Kenzi: “Con? I would have to learn how to do everything with my left hand, and I mean, everything,” she emphasizes with a squeed out look to Trick.
Trick tells her that, as a last desperate option, there is an escape clause. “Sold!” Kenzi says immediately. “Show me the eject button!” Trick solemnly agrees and instructs Kenzi to close her eyes and repeat after him. She peeks, and he chides her for it. “Say the words ‘I decline’,” he tells her. Kenzi grimaces, peeks again at the Staff, takes a deep breath, and repeats the words. The Staff of Righteousness goes all green glowy again and drops from Kenzi’s hand. Kenzi is amazed that it was that easy. “Why didn’t you just say so!” she yells at Trick with a shoulder shot for emphasis. Trick smiles. “What? A Blood King can’t have a little fun?” That may be the first time Trick has poked a little fun at himself for being The Blood King. Kenzi smiles and looks down at the Staff on the floor in time to see it…shrink back to normal size.
The Morrigan is taking the measure of Siren’s Speakeasy (drink!). “I don’t think much of your interior decorator.” From his seat at the table, Hale (Hale!) tells her it’s a work in progress. “Much like yourself,” Evony observes and Hale wryly tells her not to change the subject. “You’re not off the hook yet.” The Morrigan is entertained. “Oh. Look at you. All grown up. The Ash,” she mocks in a whisper. “Didja get your new business cards yet? Maybe a vanity plate. Daddy must be so proud.”
But Hale has been doing this far longer than even Evony can imagine. The Santiago house is a quagmire of double politico speech especially amongst the family. He cuts to the chase. “You violated Fae law!” The Morrigan scoffs. “Uh, by having a little fun with succuBo?” Hale states that she executed a blatant attack on the Light. This is true since she expressly instructed Vex to kill the triplets and that includes Dyson who is unquestionably a member of the Light. The Morrigan wonders when everyone got so uptight. “I remember the good old days.” Oh sweetie, I hear you, and am queuing up season one as we speak. “A little raping, a little pillaging, the odd collateral damage and then you’d have yourself a party! Now it’s all rules, rules, rules,” she moans. Hale claims that her actions may have jeopardized the new peace plan, “a plan, in case you’ve forgotten, that was endorsed by the Fae elders themselves.” Oooh. Somebody’s headed to the wood shed! The Morrigan finally looks as though she’s beginning to understand she’s really stepped in it this time. “What can I say except mea culpa?” She adds that she was just trying to spice things up a bit, but Hale just closes his eyes and shakes his head, weary of the crap. “I was a cop for thirty years,” he tells her, getting to his feet and coming around the front of the table. “One thing I learned? Bullshit stinks. And lady, you reek.”
The Morrigan begins to start her prattle again but Hale stops her by raising his Finger of Importance. “You ever pull a stunt like this again I will personally rip off your head and shove it up your lily white ass.” Whoooo. Hale bringing the Bad Ash! “This détente is too important to be screwed up by some petty feud!” he adds. The Morrigan is clearly not used to be spoken to in such a way, but holds her peace for a change and for the moment. “Am I clear?” Hale asks after a few second’s stare off. The Morrigan smiles slightly, and I think Hale has just made a new life-long enemy. “Crystal,” she says.
At Hilton Hovel (drink!), Kenzi and Bo enter to find Vex frantically shoving his things into his duffel. “Hey man!” Kenzi greets him. “We are just one Vex short of a reealll fiesta!” She realizes he’s packing to leave and, shocked, asks where he’s going. Vex admits he doesn’t know yet. Showing a rare sensitivity, Bo decamps to the kitchen to make some tea and give them privacy.
“Vexster!” Kenzi says and slaps her hands on his shoulders. “Come on. All is forgiven!” Vex earnestly says that it shouldn’t be so. “I can’t stay, you know, not after what I’ve done.” Kenzi is flabbergasted by that. “Dude, you saved my life!” But Vex is ruthless, especially with himself. “Or that pig shifted to the left at just the right moment.” Kenzi insists that is not true, “is it?” Vex drops onto the couch and tells Kenzi that if she looked at his history she’d know he was a bettin’ man. “I’m gonna take some time to reflect,” he tells her. “Reset the system. I guess the doctor was right,” he calls over to Bo. “Bloody humans.”
Kenzi wonders if he’s thinking maybe Tibet. “India,” Vex drawls with a shrug, “via Vegas. You know, the whole, Eat, Pray, Mesmer tour.” He makes his mesmerizing gesture at Kenzi and she playfully snaps at his hand. Vex chuckles and Kenzi purses her mouth at him. He promises he’ll be back, “fully armed and ready to rock.” That’s not enough for Kenzi. “How do I know I’ll ever see you again?!” Vex rises and hands over the velvet pouch he left out of his duffel. Kenzi quickly unwraps it and gasps to find his “ebony handled bison bristled blush brush!” She leaps up to hug him as Bo warily watches them from the kitchen. “You break that brush and I’ll kill ya,” Vex warns and slaps her bad arm, I think. It’s off screen, but Kenzi is cradling it when the camera returns to them. Vex shoulders his bag and walks out the door without looking back. “Catch ya in another lifetime! Maybe…” You’d better, Vexy.
Kenzi drops to the couch and looks after him as Bo settles behind her with a plate of cookies and puts her arm around Kenzi. “I’m gonna miss that A-Hole,” Kenzi grouches. Bo gives her a one-armed hug. “I know. Here.” She offers the plate of cookies as Kenzi rubs at her shoulder and winces. So I guess he did smack her, just not on The Norn’s wound (freaking Norn!). Kenzi tries a cookie as Bo comforts her bestie and they both look off after Vex.
Fae of the Day:
Valkyrie: A mythical race of warrior women chosen by the Norse god Odin to travel battlegrounds and decided who lives and who dies. Valkyries then escort half of the ones who die into the afterlife feasting halls of Valhalla—or Viking heaven. They are the lovers of heroes and other mortals and are often associated with images of ravens.
Origin: Norway mythology
Staff of Righteousness: A magical wooden staff (tree branch) that bonds to bare flesh when handled and then elongates to an impressive size via touch and a green glow. She or he who bears the Staff accepts the noble cause, takes up the mantle of ruler of sprites and wood nymphs, and fights for truth and justice until they die. Or they can just decline the honor and watch the Staff…deflate.
Pig Men: Like their four-legged ancestors, the UnderFae Pig Men have a pronounced, porcine proboscis that they use to scent out their prey. They travel in packs and display a loyalty to fallen brethren.
Origin: North American
Nymphoid Hormone Parasite: Dark Fae creepy crawley that regresses Fae back to the mind-set of adolescents when full Fae powers are not yet active to make them vulnerable to outside attack.
Quotes of the Night:
Bo: Smooth. Remind me to book you on Dancing With the Fae.
Kenzi: Isn’t it like trying to charge an iPad with a hamster wheel?
Vex: Oh, wake me up when you get to S&M
Vex: It can’t be easy keeping up with Energizer Succubunny!! Though Dyson could!”
Vex: Hello?! Barkeep?! I’m talking to you! Trick: Still?!
Dyson: Sucks to be Vex.
Vex: Oh yeah, now there was a queen for ya. He was all over David’s ass like curry on chips.
Vex: Did you happen to rifle through my duffle bag and scarf down a couple of pills with tigers on ‘em?
Bo: Hi. I’m Doctor Lauren. I don’t like to have any fun. Take two frowny brownies and call me in the morning.
Dyson: Dude. This one time that totally happened. I got to be Kenzi. Nailed it. Boom!
Tamsin: Bo and Dyson sittin’ in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Dyson: That would be so awesome!
Bo: I’m going to count to a hundred. In French!
Bo: QUATRE! Trick: CINQ! For the love of Aphrodite, it’s cinq!
Bo: Dyson touched my boob! Dyson: It was an accident! It was with my elbow. That doesn’t even count!
Dyson: And I’m hungry like the wooooooooollff!!!!
Vex: I believe ‘wanker’ is the word you’re looking for.
Trick: What? A Blood King can’t have a little fun?
NEXT WEEK Episode 4: Fae-d to Black