Thank fae—Lost Girl is back! Be sure to check out all of our recaps, from Season 1 and Season 2 to the most recent episode of Season 3 aired in the U.S. on the SyFy Channel. All caught up? Good. And now, on to the recap for last night’s Season 3 premiere, episode 3.01, “ Caged Fae.”
Spoiler Policy: Please remember that there is a strong NO SPOILERS policy for any and all comments. We are ONLY DISCUSSING episodes of Lost Girl that have ALREADY AIRED IN THE UNITED STATES (the U.S. is currently a week behind Canada's schedule). Be kind and respectful by not ruining it for those who have yet to watch the newest Season 3 episode. Thanks!
Lost Girl Season 3 Episode 1: Succubus in the Big House
Let’s start off with a vigorous THANK FAE YOU’RE BACK to the Lost Girl crew. It is so good to see Bo, Dyson, Kenzi, Hale, Trick, and even Doctor Lauren back on my TV screen! Ahhhhhhhhh. It’s been a long, hard wait for y’all and the withdrawal wasn’t pretty. Trust me. Also, keep in mind my mad love for this show and its cast as you read further because – holy hopping snot was this a crazy episode.
And away we go –
It’s the middle of the night in downtown Toronto. In the background, police cars streaked down the block, sirens blazing, to pull up haphazardly in front of a building where an alarm clangs away. In the foreground, Bo slips out of back door, a large canvas satchel strapped across her body. OK, let’s get this out of the way from the start: the woman looks amazing. Her hair is down if fastened in a low tail and there are great looking, layered bangs across her forehead. She is already wearing an absolutely fabulous long frock coat that instantly sprints to the top of my covet list to share space with that red kimono. If this is the taste of the new costume designer, I’m gonna have to start up a new clothes budget stat.
Bo struts her stuff down a sinister, stingy alley – as you do – and is immediately accosted by two, I’m gonna go with “human” thugs because no one’s sprouting horns. That we can see. This doesn’t shake our larcenous succubus, oh no. “I know, I know,” she quips. “What’s a nice girl like me doing in a place like this?” Unimpressed, the thugs attack and Bo goes into immediate beat down mode. One thug slashes her face and, outraged that anyone would dare, she pauses, “really? The face?” and then knocks the guy out.
Quick stepping out of the alley, she makes her way down Disco Drive where a group of so-so looking guys are trying to beat the line to get into a night club. As Bo struts by, she hears the bouncer tells them they’ve no chance without a pair of double D’s and change their names to “do me”. She pauses again, gives an incredulous snort, and picks her way through the men. “Eeeny Meeny Miney…Bo’s!” she finishes, grabbing the obnoxious bouncer to suck him down and repair her face. “Go on with your bad selves,” she tells the guys with a nasty laugh. “As for the rest of you,” she yells out to the crowd as she steps off the curb, “drinks are on me!” She tosses money out of her bag and throws it all around as the mad mob descends.
Leaving the lemmings behind, Bo carries on down another alley. But wait! What’s that noise behind her? Bo checks her, um, rear guard and as the growl of the unseen creature echoes down the street, she takes off running for The Dal.
Out of breath, she plunges into The Dal and collapses against the bar. Immediately, the door behind her is flung open. “Dyson!” she shouts, breathlessly. “Give it up, succubus!” he yells back. Hang on. Dyson is never that outright rude to Bo, not even when he’s pissed or lost his love. What the –
Panting, Bo backs away from him farther into the bar. “Oh. You leave me breathless wolf!” she taunts with a wicked smile. Nice callback to the infamous breathless scene of S2E21, show. Cruel, but symmetrical. Dyson quick steps forward to grab her arm and yank Bo against him. “As I recall, you used to like that,” he reminds her real low in THAT VOICE. Yeah she did! Behind Dyson, pool cue in hand, Vex sidles to the front of the growing crowd. “I used to like a lot of silly things,” Bo shoots back. She jerks free, pulls him forward to duck under his arm and jab her elbow in the center of his back. But Dyson’s too quick for her. He growls with frustration and immediately swings around to grab her again and we’re back in a hot clinch once more. “Is there any Fae law you haven’t broken in the last three weeks?!” he shouts into her face. “It’s called fun!” Bo yells back as they struggle. “Something you haven’t been in a long, long time.”
Seriously, more freaking chemistry in one minute between these two than in a good chuck of anything from season two. Also, their coordination is seamless, like this lovely, really violent, charged dance. Team Badass FTW!
Kenzi runs in from the back where, presumably, she was…doing something I guess. “Bo, what did you do now?!” she screams, but Vex instantly puts the whammy on Kenz to freeze her in place. Bo gets enough space between her and Dyson to get her knee into his gut. She breaks free again but only gets a few steps before, without another grunt, Dyson snatches her up again, this time holding her back to front with his arm around her neck. Bo laughs again, clearly having a blast. Dyson shoots a look at Trick as he hurries around the corner of the bar. Seeing Bo is contained, Vex releases Kenzi. I’m not sure whether he was keeping her from harm or from interrupting his show. Dyson drags the yet laughing Bo around in the choke hold to slam her face down on a table…unfortunately, not that way. “Your crime spree ends now!” he yells with effort and bends her arms behind her back to cuff her.
So, are we supposed to gather that she’s been running all evil since the defeat of The Garuda? And now, what, her friends are locking her up? Something doesn’t smell right in Faeville…
Still laughing, Bo hollers, “Whatdya say Trick? Should I beg for sanctuary?” But Trick is completely disgusted with his granddaughter. “I’m not going to fall for that again,” he promises. “Not this time!” Bo grunts as Dyson drags her free arm back and shackles her. He hoists her up to drag her struggling from The Dal. “And here I thought I was your favorite,” she sneers at Trick. “I don’t even know who you are anymore,” Trick says. Oy, the drama!
Holding on to Bo, Dyson pauses at the end of the bar for Bo to address the room. “I’m Bo, bitches! And I’ll be back,” she promises with dark delight. Dyson almost rolls his eyes and then ushers her from the room as a horrified Trick and Kenzi look on, Vex in the background ah, chalking his cue. Unfortunately, not a euphemism.
Jail doors clanging, Bo is marched into prison, the wings of her split frock coat flying wide like some lost piece of Cirque du Soleil costuming and as the jail doors clang shut behind her, we’re shown a crest that says Hecuba Prison. She stands before two very tall guards as one of them details her personal affects in a snooty French-accented voice. “Pair of earrings reported missing by Cartier a week ago.” Bo kinda twitches in place a little proud, a little bored. In this light (which, thank you show!, is not orange!) her frock coat looks more purple, which makes me love it even more. “A gold women’s watch also probably lifted,” the guard continues. Bo remains unimpressed. “And ah –” The silent guard holds up one last item with a frown, turns it on, and places it on the table. The silver bullet vibrator gyrates on the metal table as the three women look on. “That one’s all mine,” Bo quips.
The guard concludes that those are the possessions of Bo Dennis, lineage unknown; genus, succubbi. “The unaligned succubus,” Bo reminds her. “Don’t you want an autograph?” “Sweetheart,” the guard sneers. “No one in here gives a shit.” Bo says if that’s the case, it doesn’t explain the peanut gallery. The camera pans up to show a bunch of very tall female guards on the floor above watching Bo’s intake interview. In the center is a tall, super skinny dominatrix complete with belted corset, stiletto boots, and enormous – blond hair. Naturally, she’s the warden. French Guard relishes telling Bo that they like to watch the new girls go through decontamination. Oh, I am so not gonna like what comes next, am I?
Cut to an industrial shower where a naked and trembling Bo, arms crisscrossed over her chest, is “decontaminated” flanked by two rows of silent but very interested “guards” keeping watch. French Guard herself leans forward to look down and get a good look at Bo’s…lower attributes.
This show has, from the get go, been that rare medium that celebrates the sexual empowerment of women and I’ve often defended it from accusations of exploitation that result from any media that doesn’t apologize for female sexuality. Until now. Less than five minutes in and Bo is wet, naked, victimized, and exploited not only within the confines of the “plot” but also for the benefit of the audience. Classy show. Real classy.
Back in the jail proper, Bo is wearing prison issued berry colored jump suit that just happens to have a low cut collar where the zipper has already been partially pulled down. Silent Guard leads her down the corridor to the not so silent catcalls of many inmates. “Hey miss!” one yells. “You’ve got pretty eyes.” Baby, you’ve no idea. Tough bitch Bo ignores them all and Silent Guard finally ushers into her cell. “Thank you,” Bo says softly, laying her hand on the guard’s arm. But, to Bo’s surprise, there’s no succubus burn and Silent Guard gives her a puzzled looked and shakes off her touch. Bo eyes her arm clearly thinking oh shit and then enters the cell. Naturally, she has been given the one cell occupied by sweet, baby-faced innocent Sylvie. “I hiccup when I’m nervous,” Sylvie explains, hiccupping. Bo reassures that she doesn’t have to be nervous around her. Sylvie wonders hopefully if this is because Bo is innocent, but Bo admits with pride that she robbed that bank. “Did stuff I haven’t been caught for yet too,” she adds more quietly. She is very wary and speaks while keeping watch over the hall outside her door as though waiting for the next
anvil shoe to drop. There’s a ring of truth to her words that makes me think this is a legit statement whatever else that fiction she played out with Dyson might be. Yes, that was totally a setup, which means the “breathless” shot was part of the fiction too. Deal with it.
Almost as an afterthought, Bo asks what Sylvie is in for. “My family was starving; I stole some bread.” WHAT?! It’s 2013 and she’s a supernatural creature and you’re telling me she’s locked up in lesbian jail like a Fae Valjean?! I mean, I’d love a Hugh Jackman crossover as much as the next woman, but come on! (Seriously, imagine it for a minute: Wolverine and Dyson in a wolf off. Aaannnddd there go my ovaries again.)
My faith is mildly renewed when Bo immediately sniffs and says, “So you’re Jean Valjean?” Sylvie, utterly clueless, repeats: “I’m Sylvie? We just met?” because apparently there are no Fae musicals. The fact that this plot point exists just for that line feels like easy writing but I have insomnia and haven’t slept in a while, so let’s just see what the lovely ladies do next so we can bring Bo home and leave Sylvie on her own for the moment.
Realizing she’s not dealing with the swiftest knife in the drawer, Bo apologizes and gives the girl her full attention as she adds that she doesn’t do well with small spaces. Bo asks if Sylvie’s been here long, but rather than answer, Sylvie goes off on how her jewel of a mother used to threaten her with Hecuba Prison and now that’s Sylvie’s actually there, good old Ma won’t even open her letters. This show really has a hate-on for mothers, doesn’t it? To be fair, it’s not found of fathers either. Sylvie hands over a stack of unopened letters which Bo slowly flips through. “Well, I barely know my mom,” she says on a heavy sigh. “Though this one time, she did sleep with my boyfriend and try to kill me.” Ah, good times. No really, I’d take that Aoife- sucking-Dyson’s-chi scene ten times over this one right now. Sylvie wonders if Bo has any “kin” waiting for her on the outside, and as she hands back the letters, Bo says she has friends that are more than family. “Least I did,” she admits with a tinge of worry and walks back to her cell door. “Before this.” Right, because you’re eeevviill. Give over already.
“So what’s the deal with the FemiNazi’s?” she asks. Honestly, I’m surprised they had the gall to go there. I’m really getting a “gloves off” feeling right now. Sylvie helpfully expositions that the guards are Amazons. “What like Wonder Woman?” Oh, if only, this episode would leapfrog up in my estimation, but sadly, no. “Less super heroic. More anti-male.” The Amazons, she explains, refuse to fraternize with men or take orders from them. I’ve always enjoyed a good fraternization, but whatever floats your boat. “Not even the new Ash?” Bo wonders. What’s that you say? New Ash? Oh, it’s totally Hale. Got to be. “Especially not him,” Sylvie emphasizes.
So now we know why they sent Bo into a lesbian prison B movie wannabe. With a furtive look, Sylvie confides that once every five years, the Amazons search out males with whom to breed and celebrate the birth of the female babies nine months later, discarding the male babies in the forest to fend for themselves. Kicking it Old Skool Amazon there I guess. Evil Xena would be so proud. “So in summary,” Bo decides, “they’re charming, maternal, and they carry Tasers.” Sounds like actual real housewives of New Jersey.
Blonde Bitch Guard (BBG) takes this moment to rattle Bo’s cage. I mean that literally as she hits the cell door with her, um, baton (still not an euphemism…though definitely a phallic symbol). She looks Bo up and down salaciously and tells her it’s time for work detail. Wary, Bo looks back at Sylvie, but she’s no help and so Bo heads off to find out what the FemiN – er – Amazons have planned for her next.
Fantastic. Nothing like taking a mythic warrior race of women and reducing them to sadistic, butch lesbian, jail guard bitches to subjugate your woman-empowering show into a frat boy footnote. If I played for their team, I would be epically pissed. Hell, I’ve more than my fair share of outrage about it from the hetero side of things. I really dig Amazons. Dislocated my arm jumping off my sister’s bed when I was six trying to be Wonder Woman.
Bo precedes BBG down several really long flights of stairs to the basement level infirmary where another inmate is swabbing the floor. There’s a bucket and everything. “Get lost, Jobina,” BBG orders and the inmate exits the Poop deck for the Lido.
“I brought your new nurse!” BBG calls out. “Put her on the table!” a disembodied voice answers from behind a privacy screen, but let’s not kid ourselves who we’re dealing with here, OK? “You want to examine her?” BBG says, puzzled. Yes, she does, any and every way she can. “I need her history,” Doctor Lauren explains coming out from behind the screen. Bo gets this smug, smarmy look on her face as she rolls her tongue and swaggers over to the doc. “Well! It’s a hell of a sad story doc,” she quips. “I’ve loved, I’ve lost. My dog done run away.”
“On the table! Now!” orders Doctor Lauren in her best prison matron voice. Bo jauntily salutes her and hops on the examination table. “Don’t you have a baton that needs polishing or something?” the doc sneers at BBG. Easy doc, don’t take your snark training wheels off too fast, you’ll hurt yourself. Although I am certain BBG is definitely going to go polish her baton. Ba da bump, ching! Hey, they’re the ones who made this episode so blatantly lesbian B movie sexploitation. I’m just trying to make it through the recap here.
“That was so bad ass!” Bo praises once BBG has left. “Hmm,” Doctor Lauren hums smiling, “you’re bad. You’ve been a bad, bad girl.” If the next words out of Bo’s mouth are “you’d better spank me then, Doctor,” I – I’m – sigh – I’m gonna need more booze. Thankfully, instead Bo grabs the doc’s arms and chirps “It’s the best role play ever!” and we can finally bring this fiction full circle. Bo is undercover. She and Dyson totally set up that scene in The Dal so that she could get arrested and sent to Hecuba Prison.
“Wow!” Bo recoils violently. “What is that smell?!” Doctor Lauren nerds that she coated herself in the secretions of skunk ape to pass as Fae and I’m just gonna let that one lie there untouched under the snark loophole of “too damn easy”. She admits it’s pungent, Bo says it’s brilliant, and Doctor Lauren preens that she thinks it is one of her better plans. What plans? Oy, my eyes are rolling too hard at that for me to actually see the keyboard and type a rejoinder. “Better than going under cover in a corrupt Fae prison run by a sadistic group of dude-hating Berthas?” Bo wonders. Doctor Lauren immediately chides that the Amazons are a proud race of warrior Fae. Not these ones, doc. “Where’s your sense of sisterhood?” Doctor Lauren chides. Oh, Bo lost that a long time ago somewhere in Dyson’s bed. (Oh yes I did say that!) Bo: “I think it was taken when I was strip searched!” That’ll do it too, though it’s not nearly as much fun. Or so I’ve heard…
Doctor Lauren directs Bo’s attention to a wall festooned by paper roses, gifts crafted by grateful prisoners for the previous prison doc, Doctor Lauren’s friend Doctor Everett who loved roses. Bo notes that they’re pretty crafty. “I guess you weren’t the only girl that loved her.” But the doc insists it wasn’t like that, rather Doctor Everett was more a mentor to her, helping her find her way in that first rough year of being owned by the Light Fae. This would be more believable if the doc didn’t already have a proven habit of lying about past lovers who aren’t really past at all, but I figure it’s a nonissue. Plus Doctor Everett was 600 years old and Doctor Lauren prefers younger partners. The doc insists that Doctor Everett would never have abandoned her patients and Bo reassures that they will find the evidently missing doctor.
Doctor Lauren passes over a
promise stone and exhorts Bo to keep it on her at all times but hidden and only use it for an emergency, which immediately tells us it’ll come out to play really soon. “A giant rock this early in our relationship?” Bo snarks. There’s a noise and both women look over to the stairs to see who is coming down now. “Are you saying you want a commitment?” she adds, only partially kidding. “Are you saying this is a relationship?!” Doctor Lauren counters jumping on the slightest opportunity with Bo and I have to get out my earplugs as the doccubus shouts of glee coat the Internet. Bo merely smiles a bit sneeringly as the warden and French Guard finally finishing climbing down all those damn stairs! Doctor Lauren greets the warden coldly.
“I wanted to see our newest charge,” the warden says as she slithers into the room. “Hmm. Succubus is rare indeed. And the unaligned succubus,” she adds and caresses Bo’s cheek. Bo pulls away. “Doesn’t take kindly to pervy authority figures,” she says, finishing The Warden’s sentence neatly. The Warden opines that Fae prisoners in Hecuba can be as savage as animals. She slinks around Doctor Lauren and caresses her neck with the riding crop. Bo tightly points out that “the doctor” is not a prisoner. Doctor Lauren does nothing but stand there, as usual, because as anyone’s meat in the Fae world, what can she do? Her gaze is fixated on Bo, her expression all, Bo save me please! again,as usual.
The Warden blabbers on that her guards know a strong hand is needed to maintain order. She rubs her crop over the doctor’s bare chest. The warden says this is why the guards would rather die than betray their loyalty to her. She announces that Bo is being reassigned for work duty. Doctor Lauren squawks that Bo has medical training and that she needs her in the infirmary. Yeah, we all know how you want to play nurse with her, doc. “And I want her…to clean my office,” counters the creepy warden. “I have a very special way I like it done too. Special uniform.” Oh great. More exploitation. Nifty. Unable to do otherwise, Bo follows after the warden. “See you later, stinky,” she jokes to Doctor Lauren as she passes by. Doctor Lauren looks up at the ceiling as French Guard and Bo exit. “Oh, this better work,” she moans.
“This will NEVER work!” Kenzi exclaims. At The Dal (drink!) – oh, it’s the first (drink!) meme of the new season! Bless. Anyway, at The Dal (drink!), Trick is arranging various bottles that look as old as he is in a wine rack as Kenzi marches through the bar. Trick hurries out from this back corner to head her off. “Kenzi! You can’t go in there!” But she brushes right on by as usual and marches into the really back room. “You can’t stop me, Trick – your troll can’t stop me! I am calling a meeting no questions Ash-ked!” Oh, I love that. And look at all the light and energy that just spruced up this episode!! Trick stops at the door, throws up his hands with futile frustration, and goes back to the bottles.
Kenzi yanks open Bag End’s missing front door and enters – oh! This is the new set we’ve seen in promo pictures! A sekrit Fae speakeasy complete with barrels of hootch, a spiral metal staircase, and a small private bar with blinking white fairy lights above it. And dust and cobwebs. LOTS of dust and cobwebs. Kenzi motors right up to a stone (weeping?!) angel and confronts the back of the man sitting there in a booth that’s doubling as a storage container. There’s the map that Trick used to track the Underfae sightings in at the start of season 2. On the back wall is a silhouette picture of jazz musicians, adding to the speakeasy feel. Really, this set is fabulously dressed! Kenzi-on-a-mission takes notice of none of it. “You. Need. To fix this!” she demands. “You’re The Ash now!”
“That’s right, little mama,” Hale says (Hale!) as he rises, surprising absolutely no one. “I am.” He jerks his jacket in place, puts hands on hips and grins. Ah ha. Go on with yourself there, playa. Kenzi, not at all amused, matches his pose and glares which dims Hale’s glee.
Kenzi is sits in front of the silhouette scene moping and – wait, I think that’s actually Titania, queen of the fairies, wife of King Oberon in the center frame. Cool. “I didn’t like it,” she whines, “but I went along with you kookalabonza scheme, pretended Bo had committed all those crimes. Gone rogue!” Don’t be so hard on yourself kiddo. You won’t be pretending for long.
“Taught her how to be a mighty convincing thief too,” Dyson points out in THAT VOICE from where he lounges against a stack of barrels on the other side of the room. What are you standing guard at the doorway in case someone overhears? Ohhh, you’re standing guard at the doorway in case someone overhears! Got it.
“Ugh, your stupid ass plan means my best friend is tits deep in enemy territory with no one to protect her except – ” here she (unfortunately) pauses before she says what she’s thinking and merely finishes with “Lauren!”
“Doctor Lewis is smart and resourceful,” Hale says. What the hey now? “Oh yeah?” Kenzi sneers. “When shit gets real, what is she going to do, science people to death?” Well, usually she just cowers and shouts “Bo!” but you keep preaching the truth there, Kenz. “When it comes to crisis, Lauren is no slouch!” Trick insists. Hang on. Is there spiked Kool Aid or something in those casks? When did this become The Apologetics of Doctor Lauren Lewis Hour? I mean, Trick has always been friendly with the doc, and Hale hasn’t really had all that much one on one interaction with her outside of singing Kenzi’s wound closed. But are nearly all the characters going to spout heavy-handed, overly-obvious retcon defense of Doctor Lauren now to cram the message down our throats in prep for doccubus domination? Ohhhhh. Nearly all the characters are going to spout heavy-handed, overly-obvious retcon defense of Doctor Lauren now to cram the message down our throats in prep for doccubus domination! Got it.
Kenzi jumps on Trick’s vocabulary choice while in the background, Dyson sighs and wearily shakes his head. “There’s already a crisis at the prison?!” Kenzi yells. “Well played, Trick,” Dyson drawls. Kenzi looks between her men and decides to go to work on Hale. “You are The Ash now! You have to pull Bo out of there!”
“The Acting Ash,” Trick emphasizes, a little snootily to my mind. Way to undermine the guy there, Trickster. Feeling a little irked to not be asked? Hale gives Trick A Look – thanks for that, man – that says he did not miss nor like Trick’s quick qualifier. “The Amazons won’t listen to me,” he says, addressing his words first to Trick and then Kenzi. Kenzi: “Because of your stupid penis?” BWAH HA HA!! Hale though is smoother than smooth and well versed in handling Kenzi’s mouth. “I prefer untested leadership. I don’t want to go up the chain of command and get one of the female elders to intervene!”
Trick adds that exposing corruption at Hecuba Prison is the perfect opportunity for Hale to make a name for himself. He’s rather overly enthusiastic as though quickly trying to make up for exposing his own doubts on the matter so baldly. Hale seems appeased by Trick’s swift defense. “Yeah? Well, I can think of some choice names for you both right now!” Kenzi shoots back. I’m endlessly entertained watching Dyson (as usual) this time in the background quietly reacting to everything. It’s like Bo left him in charge of her little sister while she’s away on business and he knows better than to try and intervene until she’s had the chance to wind down from her mad. Actually, I think that’s exactly what happened. But keep an eye on Dyson especially when he’s not necessarily front and center in the scenes; KHR has some choice reaction shots going on.
Calmer now, Kenzi registers the floor plan on the table before her. “Wait a minute, this clink is actually located on “get laid lines”?!” Trick rolls his eyes and sighs heavily. “Lay lines,” he stresses. “Potent geo-thermal currents that strip the prisoners of their Fae powers.” With shock, Kenzi realizes that Bo is completely helpless in the prison, but Dyson says she isn’t helpless, as though he’d allow that to happen. “Lauren slipped her a Sarsen stone. It’s made out of the same material as Stonehenge.” Hale explains the stone counters the effects of the lay lines, and that all the Amazon guards carry them. I love how Bo and all three of Kenzi’s Fae men have been working around her knowing she’d go all KENZI SMASH if she knew the whole plan and now each has the answers she needs when she needs them. Synchronicity. They haz it.
Trick immediately chides Hale like a school boy. “That’s classified intel. You’re the Acting Ash! You don’t know who could be listening!” Hale points out that Trick told him the old banquet room (aka the new set aka Siren’s Speakeasy) was impenetrable. “I said it was available,” Trick counters. “You’re the one who wanted more ‘access’ to the people!” Trick actually uses air quotes here which delights me. Kenzi whinges that the Siren’s Speakeasy (drink!) (hey look! It’s a new drink! meme for season 3! Slainte!) isn’t accessible to anyone who isn’t Al Capone “and even he’d think the speakeasy vibe was a bit…stale.”
Trick goes on the defense. “This gin joint was the swinging-est hootenanny in town!” Hale: “One more quip like that and Trick will outfit you in a pair of cement Pradas.”
Trick: “Hey me and the flappers used to get geezed on wobbly pops!” Dyson closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. Oh man, not the wobbly pops again. I have to wonder what he’s been handling – besides Kenzi – to wear him out while Bo is in the Big House with her hoochie mama. I’m thinking having is love back is a bigger adjustment than he expected it to be.
Kenzi is totally wigged out by slang that she doesn’t understand coming from Trick. “My…condolences,” she snarks. She sighs and turns away from Trick and Hale, undone, knowing she’s not going to get them to change their minds. Dyson beckons her over, “Hey, c’mere.” He looks at her with understanding and love. He knows what worries her; it worries him too. But he’s the big brother – it’s his job to make it right for her. “The Garuda,” he starts. “Baba Yaga. The Lich.” Kenzi: “Worst dinner party ever?” Dyson: “Funny,” because it’s clearly not. “I’m just saying, Bo can handle herself. Whatever this prison dishes to her, she can take it.” Kenzi knows it. She doesn’t like it, but she knows it. “It’s just… I miss her,” she moans. Dyson looks slightly away from her, clearly thinking about Bo. “Me too,” he murmurs.
It’s Kenzi’s turn to reassure. “No kidding,” she duhs and they smile weakly at each other. This is their secret, Dyson’s returned love for Bo, and it’s a really good secret and won’t be one for much long (please!), but right now they’re the only ones who truly understand what’s really at stake with Bo locked up. Dyson hugs her close to comfort them both and she pats his chest in the same kind. Love them together. Can’t wait for the day when they’re back with Bo and the three of them are in sync again. And that day better damn come. But in the meantime…
…we’re back in Lesbian Spank Inferno-land as Bo is on her hands and knees in a gingham red and white micro-dress with red peekaboo bra scrubbing the warden’s office floor with a toothbrush. “Very nice,” the warden smarms from her observation deck behind Bo. “But I want you to scrub a little…slower.” Bo rolls her eyes. “And I thought working retail was humiliating.” ‘Bout time someone acknowledge that. Look, I’m all for ample cleavage and Bo has never been a hide-your-light-under-a-fichu kind of woman. This is not that and ya know what? I’m going to just skip my way through these exploitation scenes as fast as possible. The Warden sexual innuendos here and sexually assaults Bo there. “What a treat to see a succubus in action,” she smarms and sticks one stiletto boot toe in Bo’s crotch from the rear. Bo doesn’t bother to react. This is when BBG walks in carrying a silver briefcase. She and The Warden decamp to her office. We see that the only way into the office is through an eyeball indent, which only works for The Warden’s enlarged orb. Naturally, Bo takes note of this. Inside, BBG opens the case and the two of them coo over some metal canister of N2 DT-40. I bet a few squirts of that outta loosen up The Warden’s too tight…bolts with no problem whatsoever…
BBG says it’s the latest sample and wonders if “the subject” is ready for treatment. The Warden says “she” will be soon enough and asks if there’s anything else. BBG wonders how long The Warden plans to keep on “doing this” and The Warden smacks her across the face. “As long as I damn well please,” she says. BBG begs forgiveness for forgetting her place and The Warden threatens her with solitary confinement, which could mean all manner of horrors in this place. The Warden insists everything she does is to keep the Amazons strong and BBG capitulates obediently. That’s some real nobility there, Amazons.
Down in the underground prison yard, Sylvie and Bo warily stroll amongst the other prisoners. Bo is back in her stylist prison jumpsuit and it’s here that I notice the footwear choice of Hecuba Prison: peep-toe, high-heeled, swing-back sandals. A few women are working the weights while, over on the side, two others are making out hot and heavy. “Well that’s sweet,” Bo sneers. “Love behind bars.” I think she’s a bit surly because she can’t get a power surge of the love fest…or any of it for herself. “A week ago, the blonde beat her lover with a bar,” Sylvie explains. So, true love there then. They pass Jobina from the infirmary who, Dyson-like, is beating the hell out of a heavy bag. Bo asks Sylvie about her and the Les Miz wannabe identifies her as someone Bo wants to get to know as Jobina can get just about anything…for the right price. As they chat, French Guard leads a subdued and shackled prisoner through the yard. “Oh no, not Maeve,” Sylvie moans. “She was gone so long I thought she’d left for good.” Sylvie decides Maeve must have done something awful to get sent back and Bo pings on the phrasing and asks if that’s something that happens often. Sylvie nods but insists that it’ll be different for her. “Three days, I’m out for good. I don’t care what they say.” Honey, you just stay away from bakeries, and you’ll be A-OK. But Bo wants to know what do “they” say? Sylvie: “Only way anyone really leaves Hecuba is in a body bag.”
No sooner has Sylvie said the words than she’s attacked by BBG who grabs her by the hair and drags her into the middle of the yard. “Sounds like sweet Sylvie thinks she’s too good for this place, huh?” she bullies the girl. “You don’t think you’re scum? That you belong here?” She – erm – whips out her baton. Sigh. It’s just too easy to bother. “You’ll be back. Until then, I’ll give you something to remember us by.” Bo, naturally, cannot allow this to happen & pulls the “pick on someone your own size,” card, which is her idea of irony I guess as BBG has at least six inches on her.
This is exactly what BBG wanted. She throws Sylvie to another guard. “Want a taste, succubus?” she taunts and swings her (eye roll) baton at Bo’s head. Bo ducks and laughs. “I thought you’d never ask.” She takes a couple hits from the baton on her arms and then one in the gut before BBG gets her in a choke hold. But Bo decides to go all girl fight and reaches up from behind to grab BBG’s hair, jerk it back and break the hold. She smacks BBG in the head and immediately sucks her down. Way to keep hidden the fact that you can use your powers there, Bo Bo. Hell, you didn’t even make it to the commercial break with that Sarsen stone!
She doesn’t get far before Silent Guard pulls her off. “Whoa ho ho,” Bo says breathlessly. “That was weird, right?” French Guard is aghast. “Warden’s office!” she orders Silent Guard. “NOW!” Silent Guard drags Bo away and the camera pans down to BBG on the floor, alive but gasping for breath and trying to figure out what the holy hell was just done to her – and how she might get Bo to do it again.
BBG and Silent Guard drag a still laughing Bo down a gauntlet of guards complete with The Wardenas French Guard brings up the rear. All are basically in highlighted silhouette and the camera shoots the scene from a distance so that we fully understand the vastness of the room and Bo’s total aloneness in this situation. They deposit her against the outside wall of the industrial showers from her earlier “decontamination” violation.
“The Warden’s office. “Really? “This doesn’t look like The Warden’s office, ladies. Seriously!” Bo mocks. She’s still laughing and exhibits absolutely no fear or concern. French Guard stomps down the center of the gauntlet totting a FREAKING FIRE HOSE and it’s clear she’s prepared to enjoy this next bit when she HOSES BO DOWN. Bo finally stops laughing, probably because she’s having trouble breathing from immediate physical shock.
OK, let’s get this right out of the way. NO, this is NOT the same as when Bo hosed down Dyson in S2 E5 BrotherFae of the Wolves. There, Bo saw a violent situation she didn’t understand that could potentially be harming someone she cared about – or just be a boy thing. Either way, pouring water on the situation is a fairly common place solution – especially if you wind up dealing with boys in a ruckus. And Cayden and Dyson were definitely puppies at play – Dyson even said it was a pack thing. Plus, she grabbed a garden hose lying nearby, not a freaking fire hose kept on hand just for this purpose. Was it hot? Oh hell yes. Did I enjoy it? If you have to ask, clearly you didn’t read that recap. But the key thing here is that Dyson was not sexually victimized. I won’t say he wasn’t objectified because I try not to be a hypocrite whenever possible. But don’t equate these situations because oh, holy hell, no they are NOT.
Bo is being hosed down as punishment. She is being victimized by sadistic, power hungry, sociopaths who get sexual thrill over her debasement. She is, without question, being abused. This is another checked off scene on the “Bad Girls Behind Bars” content list used as one of the source documents for this episode. Frankly, I am appalled and ashamed that this scene was included in this show for any reason. In a few seconds, Bo will also receive a savage beating. If the true intent here is to demonstrate the stakes Bo is dealing with and generate anger and horror in the audience as Bo takes on this abuse essentially on Sylvie’s behalf and to save the other prisoners, then the only purpose the fire hose wet down serves is purely salacious. Frankly, I think better of the fans than that. If you want to wet Bo down to objectify her in kind as chick candy, well, there are plenty other ways to do it, many of them already portrayed in this show in sexually empowering and downright scorching hot ways that are decidedly more in line with the show’s ethos. This is scene is so far off that reservation you need a GPS to find the way back. Watching it just makes me feel dirty and not in a good way. If that was the point well then: huz-freaking-zah.
Back to the recap.
The Warden saunters up while Bo tries to catch her breath and says that no one’s ever been strong enough to get the drop on BBG. “Well I guess they broke the mold when they made me.” Oh honey, they shattered that puppy to bits. Unimpressed, The Warden decides to see for herself and slowly feels Bo down, up, and over until she discovers the Sarsen Stone, cleverly hidden in Bo’s bra strap because nobody ever thinks to look there! Bo sniggers unapologetically as The Warden identifies the stone and posits that Bo couldn’t have come up with it on her own, so she must have inside help somewhere. “Golly Warden, I just saw something shiny in the yard and I just had to have it for my rock collection,” Bo snarks. She is really not feeling any fear these days, is she? Not amused, The Warden violently knees Bo in the gut. Behind her, Silent Guard is laughing at Bo’s pain. “So someone on the inside is helping you out,” The Warden concludes as Bo doubles over. “By the time I find her, ooh, she’s gonna be begging for a simple whipping.”
Bo decides that even without her succubus skillz, this is the perfect time to suck face with The Warden. They break apart and Bo frowns at The Warden, clearly puzzled by something. The Warden laughs. “I’m flattered. But without that succubus heat,” here she grabs Bo with one finger in the open bodice of her jumpsuit, “it’s just wet. Like you.” Ow. That eye roll hurt. Bo says she guesses she’s owes The Warden a real one then and wipes her mouth, considering. The Warden jerks her head at the watching guards who close in. “Let’s see how your kisses protect you now, huh,” she says. BBG and Silent Guard grab the struggling Bo and drag her downstage toward the camera. “Not her face! I want her pretty!” The Warden yells after them. They throw her against the chain link fence and proceed to be the holy shit out of her while French Guard takes up position behind them to watch or guard. It’s hard to tell with these women. Usually both.
I am going to go take the world’s longest, hottest bath until the stench of rewatching that scene several times comes off…sometime in 2014.
Alone, beaten and bleeding, on hands and knees Bo crawls along the floor behind the chain-link fence. With stellar timing, Doctor Lauren rushes in. “Bo! My God! What did they do to you?!” Gasping, Bo collapses against the fence and admits she was on her way to find Doctor Lauren. The doc tries to examine her but Bo reassures her that she’s fine and will heal, “like a human,” she adds, disgusted, “but I’ll heal.” Doctor Lauren doesn’t understand – what about the Sarsen Stone? Bo confesses that she didn’t last long before succumbing to use her powers. “I couldn’t just sit by and watch them beat the hell out of my cellmate.” Resigned, Doctor Lauren admits that to do so would not be Bo’s style. “No,” Bo’s agrees, clasping her hand in emphasis, “it’s not. I protect the people that I care about, which is why I’m getting Hale to pull you out of here. It’s only a matter of time before The Warden figures out that you’ve been helping me.” But Doctor Lauren is more worried about who will help Doctor Everett if she leaves. Isn’t that what Bo is in there for in the first place? Bo collapses back against the chain-link fence. Oh crap, I forgot about Doctor Everett. Hey, what with the fire hose down and the beating, you’ve had a few things on your mind, dear heart.
Doctor Lauren pulls out a super sekrit list she found in Doctor Everett’s super sekrit drawer in her not so secret office. The doc was injecting prisoners, often those who were rare species of Fae, with a powerful vitamin cocktail. Bo wonders if Doctor Everett was juicing up the prisoners to give them some hope against the Amazons. Doctor Lauren explains that the injections were only given for a week and then the prisoners were released. “Half of them I can’t track down and the other half…” “The other half reoffended,” Bo completes the statement, following the bouncing ball to its conclusion. Doctor Lauren adds that when they do come back, they’re completely broken.
“This Maeve girl readmitted this morning? She can’t speak!” Doctor Lauren thinks the natural conclusion is that Doctor Everett was injection the prisoners with something that made them violent or more prone to deviant behavior so they’d have to return to Hecuba but the Doctor Everett she knew wouldn’t have gone along with any of that. “We don’t know her reasoning, (Doctor) Lauren,” Bo cautions. “Feelings aren’t always black and white.” Anvil! Anvil alert! “I know mine aren’t,” she says on a sigh.
“Yeah, well, just once I wish you could be sure,” Doctor Lauren snaps. Me-yow! Hold on just a minute there, missy!! Four words for you: Spy Bang. Secret Girlfriend. The only thing your delayed official entrance into Bo’s affections has to do with Bo herself is that every time she thinks to commit, she discovers another way you’ve betrayed her on the most intimate of levels. Feel free to be bitter about it, but you’ve only yourself to blame there, sweetie. So shuddup.
Alas, I am not that lucky. Exhausted and slightly stunned, Bo gives her this look that’s all are you kidding me with this now? really? Do you not seethe blood and bruises? I am so not up to dealing with this shit. Realizing she’s stepped in it, Doctor Lauren chuckles with self-deprecation and geeks out a bit. “It’s interesting,” she says and Bo chuckles with affection because she loves it when Doctor Lauren nerds out. “The skunk ape excretions seem to be jacking up my hormones.” Bo looks at her from under her eyelids. “I should get back to my cell,” she says and she struggles to rise as Doctor Lauren puts Doctor Everett’s records back into her doctor’s bag. Both women get to their feet with Doctor Lauren not offering Bo aid, she’s not even looking at Bo at this point. I think she’s embarrassed and hurt. Embarrassed to have lost control and hurt that Bo didn’t immediately declare herself. Yes, I’m being nice about Doctor Lauren, or at least less waspish. No, it’s not going to last.
“Look, (Doctor) Lauren,” Bo says collapsing back against the fence as she hasn’t the energy even to deal with this. “I get it. You deserve more.” How’s that again? Spy bang. Secret Girlfriend. Though back in control of her reactions (for the moment), Doctor Lauren is not enjoying Bo’s non response. Instead, she revisits Bo’s intent to get Hale to pull Doctor Lauren out of the jail by insisting that she has to stay to find out what happened to Doctor Everett and thus has to stay at Hecuba. Bo decides if that’s the case, then they need to move faster. “I’ve already submitted your request to The Ash for medical supplies,” Doctor Lauren confirms. “We’re in Dyson’s hands now,” and hoo boy, does she not like that! Bo is nodding. She’s (happily) been in Dyson’s hands before. “Dyson’s good,” she reassures confidently. Doctor Lauren smiles sardonically and gives a little snort. “You could do better,” she sneers. Looks like somebody’s feeling a little insecure there.
Now, there’s the true, petty Doctor Lauren I know! The one who accused Kenzi of only calling Doctor Lauren on her shit because she selfishly wants to be the only human in Bo’s life. The one who used her position as Bo’s doctor to slander Dyson as a sexual healing partner in order to better position herself as Bo’s amour. The one who again used her position as Dyson’s doctor to interrogate him during his examination as to his sexual relationship with Bo in order to overtly insinuate that she held a greater intimate place in Bo’s affections (if not sexually at that point). The one who undermines Dyson to Bo every chance she gets. I was wondering when the real Doctor Lauren would show up. See? Toldja it wasn’t gonna last. Guess I forgot to drink my retcon glass of Kool Aid.
What really riles me up here, (which is not the doc because cheap shots against Dyson aren’t anything new for her), is that Bo doesn’t even try to defend Dyson. She just gives her own weak chuckle in response. Whatever their romantic situation, Dyson has always been reliable and done whatever is needed, even bleed, to come through for the not-so-Merry Band of Fae. For Bo to not even give a token objection to the doc over this is really beneath her. These are the moments that sometimes make me wonder why Bo is considered to be such a prize.
So lemme hold the line for her. Here’s a tip, sweetie: Maybe Bo can do better than Dyson. It’s a big wide world out there. Who’s to say there’s not some other partner somewhere who’ll be the better match for Bo? But no matter what happens in the meantime, you could never be the better, doc. Not ever.
Hey, it’s the cop shop! And there’s Dyson doing the detective thing at his desk. And Vex! VEX IS IN DA HOUSE!! Already, my recapping world has lifted from the doldrums. As Dyson pores over a file on his desk, Vex prances into the cop shop. I like the fact that he’s wearing a sling on the broken arm he got during The Last Stand against The Garuda in S2 finale. Nice consistency there, show. Vex immediately starts in on Dyson. “You actually work with these humans every day?! Have you never even thought about eatin’ one of them?” he announces to the room at large, “not even this fat one?!” Dyson grabs Vex by the good arm and slams him and his injured arm into the desk. Vex grunts with pain and Dyson, looking around the room to make sure no one is paying attention to them, leans over to quietly threaten him in THAT VOICE. “You break my cover and I will rip your balls off and sell them to a certain butcher we know.” Ohhhhh. Bad ass wolf man is back in play!!! Also, lemme just note here that Dyson is wearing various shades of blue on blue on blue capped off with a tight leather vest and rolled up sleeves. I have, coincidentally, basically been on the floor since the start of this scene. J’adore this new costume person!
Moving on. “Oh, and I thought we could do lunch!” Vex chirps exhibiting absolutely no concern over Dyson’s alpha posturing despite the fact that his powers don’t work on the wolf man. Dyson snits that he’s not hungry (can you imagine him and Vex sitting across from one another over a café table? Dying.) Vex scoffs, “come on, you’ve been to
the clubhouse (Hilton Hovel)! Kenzi’s idea of groceries is Freezies and Midol.”
“So leave!” Dyson suggests in a hard voice. “Or what, The Morrigan doesn’t want her broken little toy back?” Rowr. Vex snickers at the gibe. “You got a partner now that Hale’s The Ash?” he shoots back. Dyson goes back to brooding. “I work better alone.” I think season two disproved that for good, but you keep on deluding yourself there, darling.
Vex gleefully points out that a partner might have helped Dyson work out “the not-so-secret dealio about your Light Fae detention center for broken birds!” This gets Dyson’s attention big time. He looks around the cop shop to make sure they’re still unnoticed before asking what it is Vex knows about Hecuba Prison. Vex: “Oh, you mean the maximum security sisters that supposedly get released?” Seems Vex has learned there are no records of any of the released prisoners actually reentering society. “They do their time and then…poof!” They just…disappear. Dyson: “Bo’s been in there for days and you didn’t think to tell me this earlier?!” Vex, nonchalantly biting his nails: “Sounds more like lunch talk to me!” Heee. He goes on to slap Dyson on the shoulder and suggest that he, Vex, be Dyson’s new partner! “With the big stick and handcuffs?! Ooh, la!” The visual on that is killing me. Vex and the Wolf Man. Cue the 70s cop show muzak! But before Dyson can break Vex’s other arm, another cop calls from the door that Dyson has a phone call concerning some prison doctor. Vex asks if the guy is Dyson’s boss. “Put in a good word for me, mate!” he suggests as he leaves. “I got my own uniform,” he innuendoes with a suggestive wink.
Back at Hecuba Prison, Silent Guard returns Bo – who is now walking with her standard swagger – back to her cell. That’s some fast human healing you got there, kiddo. Whatever. Once re-celled, a crying Sylvie embraces her. “I can’t believe you took a beating for me,” she whimpers. It does help if you don’t squeeze her cracked ribs right afterwards. She advises Bo to lay low when she’s gone and Bo notes that this is goodbye for them then. “Whatever people say about you, Bo,” Sylvie says, “I know that deep down, you’re not all bad.” Or at least, not yet. Silent Guard opens the cell door again – had I known how often they were going to do that, I would’ve started a drink meme for that action back at the start – and this time, it’s Bo who hugs Sylvie. “Don’t you let me see your face again,” she orders the younger girl. “Not in here.” Sylvie nods in agreement. “Wild warlocks couldn’t make me re-offend.” Yeah, bet you only say that cause you’ve never met one… Sylvie leaves, escorted by Silent Guard, and we get a shot of a lonely little succubus behind bars.
At The Dal (drink!), Kenzi and her super hot stiletto boots impatiently wait for Dyson who helpfully wanders in, envelope in hand. “Yo!” she shouts, jumping up. “Is that it?” Dyson confirms that it is and passes over the envelope. Kenzi thinks it took “him” long enough and as she rips open the envelope to check the contents, Dyson reminds her that “his” best chemist is behind bars. “Wish I was going with you,” he adds. “You know the drill,” Kenzi says, “no wangs allowed.” Dyson laughs lightly “Face of an angel,” he teases, “voice of a poet.” Kenzi pats his furry cheek fondly and hurries off on her mission – but turns back after two steps. “Hey,” she calls and Dyson turns to face her. “How are you feeling?” I like this short form way to show Kenzi’s growing maturity. Time was she would’ve kept trundling on. Dyson smiles at her with affection. “Better, thanks,” he adds pointedly as they both know he has Kenzi to thank for his vastly improved state. “And better than The Norn (Freaking Norn!), I’d imagine. You never did tell me what you did to her.” But Kenzi refuses to dish deets. “I did what I had to do to get you back in the game. You going to tell Bo you got your love back?” So many of us what to know!!!
Dyson’s smile fades some and he ducks his head. “Still trying to figure that out,” he admits wryly. It’s not an easy convo, is it? “Hi honey. Sorry I broke your heart to smithereens even though it wasn’t so much my fault as my dumbass nobility getting ahead of my better sense and then remember how the consequences of that wrecked total havoc on both our lives? But – hey! I’m all better now!”
Kenzi’s not unsympathetic, but she sees the end game and knows Dyson is perilously close to (temporary) second place status. “Well, you’d better hurry up,” she warns him, loyalty firm, “before somebody else snatches up your girl. Say an extra hot human with legs to spare?” Oh look, more not-so-subtle message transfer to the fans. Could it be any clearer that the doccubus ship (and ‘ship for that matter) has (for the moment) sailed? “Think about it,” Kenzi finishes, backing away. Dyson stares after her thoughtfully and there is SO MUCH going on in his face! Argh! “Yeah,” he barely mouths.
See, I think this is Dyson’s intent, that he’s deliberately delaying telling Bo not only because he’s still trying to get a handle on the situation himself, but also because he saw that kiss between Bo and Doctor Lauren before Bo ran off with him to finish The Garuda in S2E22. His expression then was sad and bittersweet, but also resigned. He told Bo to get over him (not possible) and she’s trying to now with Doctor Lauren. Now that his love is back, he’s reaping what he sowed, but because he’s Dyson, he’s not taking the chance to barrel in and screw things up for them (yet). Instead, he’s holding back the information that could again set Bo off into a spiral of indecision and hurt and giving her the chance to make a choice (or not) with Doctor Lauren without being influenced by his change of state.
Oy, we’re back at the prison, but wait! Kenzi’s exercising her…conjugal rights. She’s all done up to be bad in super trailer trash fashion. Masticating a piece of gum she sashays through the doorway to where BBG is waiting in a hot fuchsia fashion disaster dress complete with ruffled bottom. “Kenzi Von Claire,” she announces. “I’m Bo’s honey bee and I’m here for some sugar.” BBG, disgusted. “But you’re human!” Kenzi prostates herself full frontal against the chain-linked gate. “Trust me,” she says, “The shorter the life span,” she whispers though she pronounces it “liefspaan” in her best trashy drawl as she gyrates on the gate for BBG, “the deeper the quicksand.” BWAH HA HA! Oh, I’ve missed Kenzi! BBG all but rolls her eyes as she opens the gate. “Dennis!” she shouts. “Your pet is here.” Snicker. Hilariously, Kenzi attempts to bite BBG as she sidles through the open gate. This is when I noticed she's wearing a huge, ugly feather in her hair as well.
Kenzi struts down through the long, now empty, underground prison yard to the tune of “Jail Bait”. Twenty-one be way too late when I want that jail bait. She is wearing a blonde poufy wig teased to within an inch of its life, a short, tight trashy dress and what I think must be six-inch heels if not higher. And, holy crap, her legs a-freaking-mazing! As she moseys into the visiting room where Bo sits at a metal table, delight and appreciative humor spread across Bo’s face. “You wore your redneck wig,” she murmurs twitching with delight.
“And my monster truck thong,” Kenzi confirms. “Go method or go home!” HA! Love it! She asks how Bo is feeling. “Is anyone buying (Doctor) Lauren’s lame cover as a doctor?” Bo points out that Doctor Lauren is a doctor. “Sure,” Kenzi mocks with a wink.
She intently asks when “Bo Bo” is coming home. “I’ve had to cut the crusts off my own sandwiches!” I’d take issue here except for the fact that my father cut the crusts off my sandwiches until I went to college. Shuddup. Kenzi adds to her list of woes that Vex thinks her Sponge Bob impression is weak and Bo gives her first genuine, spontaneously laugh of the season. Naturally, it’s thanks to Kenzi. “So Vex is still evil then,” she says unconcerned. “Very!” Kenzi whispers. They smile at one in total companionship. “I have missed you, Kenzi,” Bo says with feeling. “I don’t think I realized how much until right now.” Kenzi preens. “It’s only…been a few days,” but it’s clear she’s missed Bo just as much.
Kenzi asks if Bo’s OK as she takes her gum out and sticks it under the table. Bo sidesteps the question by asking if Kenzi got that rash on her arm checked out yet. There’s one second where Kenzi thinks oh shit! before she laughs it off by insisting her rash is nothing a good slather of medicated cream won’t take care of, so we know she absolutely has not gotten anyone to look at it. “Speaking of ah – oozing bodily fluids,” she says glancing around and the guards. Deciding the coast is clear she climbs up on the table and plants a huge, wet, noisy, tongue-thrusting kiss on Bo. The Internet proceeds to have an aneurysm of fandom glee.
BBG roughly pulls them apart. “No touching!” and drags Kenzi away. Kenzi shouts back at Bo: “I’ll never wash these lips again! I’ll be faithful! This time,” she adds with fake guilt. “Je t’adore!!” Hee hee hee. Bo rolls her bottom lip in as she tries very hard not to laugh and thus lose the contact Kenzi slipped her during the kiss. She carefully extracts it from her mouth and considers it. “Love you too, Kenz,” she murmurs sadly and looks after her departed bestie.
Back in The Warden’s office, Bo is back scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush (footlocker!) but thankfully is still in the jumpsuit this time. In fact it looks like the exact same spot she’s been scrubbing. Whatever. This time, it’s French Guard who’s enjoying the rear view. Bo straightens up and announces that she’s almost done there. French Guard orders her to stay put and then mutters, “What’s the freaking hold up?” as she marches off presumably to find out what is the freaking hold up. Bo, sneaky succubus that she is, immediately extracts the contact from her mouth again (poor woman’s lubricating solution I guess) and inserts it into her eye.
Quickly, she goes over to The Warden’s secret room and opens the door with the eyeball ident. How exactly did they get a sample of The Warden’s eyeball in the first place with which to match the contact? Eh, whatever. Inside, Bo rummages through a corner of the inner office. In the background, a guard paces back and forth, with her back conveniently to The Warden’s inner sanctum. Bo is having no success until her eye is caught by a massive Hecuba Prison crest on the far way. She runs her hands along the edge and finally carefully raises the crest to reveal another eyeball ident, which opens the door that’s right next to the crest. Inside, Bo finds more of those N2 DT-40 cans. Curious, Bo picks them up…and puts them back down again as her gaze is caught by yet another door, this one marked “solitary confinement”. This door, however, has no eyeball indent and Bo doesn’t even have to pick a lock before she opens it. Solitary confinement apparently means no actual locks but more of those frickin’ stairs. Bo makes her way down the then, noticing a disguarded N2 DT-40 can on one stair that she notes hasn’t even been opened. That’s some sloppy cleanup work there, Warden.
Rather than a 4x4 cell, at the bottom of the steps, Bo finds some kind of fake bedsit with a table and chairs, couch and small bed. A girl sits at the table. “Sylvie?” Bo asks. It is Sylvie and she looks wan and dispirited. Confused, Bo says she thought Sylvie went home. “I am home, Bo,” Sylvie insists, the light of crazy bright in her eyes. She turns to face Bo proper and she is very pregnant. “And I made a family,” she adds touting a full on maniacal expression. Bo’s mouth drops open in shock.
“You’re pregnant!” Bo states the obvious. “How?” Now that IS a good question. Sylvie tries to think through the fog of crazy in her head but it is not going well. “I just woke up and – voila! I have my own apartment and a bun in the oven.” Bo crouches before her and gingerly touches Sylvie’s belly as she leans forward and sings “everything’s coming up Sylvie.” Horrified, Bo insists they can’t stay there, that it isn’t safe. “I have to be good,” Sylvie says. “I don’t want to be sent back to jail!” Bo tries to reassure her but Sylvie is afraid that “they’re” going to take the baby. “They’re waiting for him,” she cries and adds in a whisper that “they’re” always watching. Bo, realizing this last bit is probably true, cautiously rises and pulls back the hanging curtains to reveal a waiting crib – surrounded by CCTV cameras. “Oh. Creepy prison nursery with observation deck,” she snaps. “Just when I think I’ve seen all things fae.” Sylvie sidles over to jerk the curtains closed again. “Promise me you won’t let them steal my baby.” Bo, naturally, vows that she won’t let that happen but insists Sylvie goes with her. Sylvie worries that “they’ll” see her and Bo leaving. “A giant pregnant lady and a succubus in a red jumpsuit? I doubt they’ll even notice.” Heh. But as she helps Sylvie leave, suddenly the girl’s water breaks…all over Bo’s pep-toed prison shoes.
“He’s coming!” Sylvie gasps. Bo is actually dumbfounded. “He- he’s – he’s coming?! As in THE BABY?! As in NOW?!” Hee. Finally something that shakes up a succubus. Sylvie convulses in pain, screaming. “OK!” Bo says. “Just – hold that thought and – hold that baby!” She knows someone who can help. Of course you do.
Cut to the prison infirmary where Bo has managed to get Sylvie up the many, many stairs to exit solitary confinement parlor, through The Warden’s secret office, out of The Warden’s official office, through the prison and down the many, many steps to Doctor Lauren’s medical camp completely unnoticed by the many, many guards that haunt Hecuba Prison. Sure. Whatever.
“Bo? What’s that?” Doctor Lauren asks gesturing to Sylvie’s belly. Bo: “It ain’t gruel!” The doc gasps with wonder that Sylvie’s pregnant state is impossible while the girl moans her way through a contraction. “It’s Fae!” Bo shouts back, once again disgusted by the goings on of her heritage. Doctor Lauren orders Jobina to bring her Sylvie’s file as she and Bo get the girl up on a stretcher.
“What do I do, huh?” Bo asks the doc. “Gather some towels, put the kettle on?” Just do not finish that sentence with I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies! From her position between Sylvie’s knees (not like that!), Doctor Lauren looks up at Bo, puzzled. “Put on the kettle?”
“Lock the door!” Jobina shouts with mild disgust and a heavy infusion of duh as she closes Sylvie’s file and passes it over to the doc. “Unless you want an audience of Amazons?” Bo warns her that this is her last chance to leave. “And let you scrub in?” Jobina says. She gives Bo a patronizing look. Bless. “You thought the specula were salad tongs.” HA HA! Someone actually got a burn in on Bo! Oh I like this woman! She comforts Sylvie and notes that the baby is coming fast which means it’s a fighter. Sylvie calls out for Bo dramatically and Bo hurries to her side. “I’m here!”
In marked contradiction, Doctor Lauren is calmly speed-reading through Sylvie’s file “You’re a wombly?!” Doctor Lauren whines. “I thought those were extinct.” Clearly this new wrinkle means something is Very Wrong. “Almost,” Sylvie gasps.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!” Doctor Lauren exclaims, very put upon that this poor victimized girl is, of all things, a wombly. Poor thing should know better than to muck up the doc’s day. Bo hurries after her. “Wait, what’s a wombly?” “Extremely rare North American Fae with highly developed olfactory senses,” she exclaims, stripping down under her lab coat. Bo: “What does that have to do with your pants?!”
Doctor Lauren explains that if the newborn wombly smells skunk ape, “it’ll blow up like a party balloon.” She has to detox and get rid of the secretions but Bo immediately objects that this will expose the doc as being human. Doctor Lauren glances over at the increasingly distressed Sylvie. “Then you’ll protect me,” she whinges to Bo. “You always do.” Yes, because being a passive aggressive partner is exactly the foundation on which to build a relationship. The doc insists she has to help that baby and takes of her pants flashing some dainty white panties in the process.
If the first half of this episode was cribbed from every demeaning aspect of a lesbian B movie, then here begins the final third that was clearly based on a wish list compiled from every doccubus fan tweet, forum and fic around, starting with Doctor Lauren naked under a lab coat. “Save the lovin’ for later!” Jobina admonishes them. “That’s how people get into this mess in the first place!” I. Love. Her. Bo finally goes to lock the door as the doc continues to strip down.
Back in the cop shop’s interrogation room, Dyson is reviewing several bloody, four-colored glossies of the chopped up remains of what used to be a person when the door opens to admit an annoyed Kenzi. Her expression seems to say I had nothing to do with this. Vex is with her dressed in a porn shop police outfit!! He’s wearing short pants, a short-cropped vest that shows skin, cuffs, and a hat and when he turns around, the vest is backless. Oh my giddy aunt. “Authoritative, right?!” he prompts. Vexed (hee), Dyson reaches for the door but Vex grabs his arm and gets in his face. “You have the right to remain…my bitch!” Heeeee. He giggles but Dyson, very much not amused, slams the door shut and says, “Remember what I said about breaking my cover?”
Kenzi tells Dyson that Hale has called a meeting. “He wants to know how our convicts are…victing.” Vex moves around the table as they talk. Kenzi’s eye is caught by the photos as Dyson says “All right, let me just grab my – ah –” but Vex is already reading the folder. While he shoots an annoyed look at Vex, Kenzi picks up the photos. “Is this a person?” she asks. Dyson tries to head her off at the pass, “Kenzi it’s not what –” but, again, Vex interferes. “This Everett chick did not go quietly or in one piece,” he observes casually. Dyson holds out his hand for the file with the head tilt of really man? but it’s too late.
“The Doctor Everett, the former prison doctor?” Kenzi asks, horrified as she puts two and Vex together. Looks like big brother Dyson is starting to lose his temper almost as quickly as he’s losing control of this situation. “Oh, this is bad,” she moans. “Kenzi, there’s no reason to panic,” Dyson assures her. Again, Vex undermines his attempt to hold off a rapidly declining Kenzi-rant. “Unless of course you’re arranging Doctor Everett’s funeral. I mean she’ll have to be buried in several boxes.” Kenzi, pictures in hand: “I am not waiting for whoever did this to do it to Bo!” Dyson is in aggrieved agreement, but Kenzi isn’t waiting for his approval. She stalks out of the interrogation room and as Vex follows, Dyson swats him upside the head with the now-reclaimed file. “Hey!” Vex objects for a second. “Not that I’m not flattered by the attention,” he admits. Dyson jerks his head let’s go and hustles him out of the room after Kenzi.
Back in the prison, (still?! Come on!),
Doctor Lauren, now clad in navy scrubs, admits that Sylvie was definitely not pregnant a week ago and she’s never seen such an accelerated gestation period. Jobina yells that the contractions are two minutes apart and Doctor Lauren takes position again between Sylvie’s knees. Though overcome with the pains of natural childbirth, Sylvie can still pause a moment to note with shock that the doc is human. “Knew you were too pretty to be skunk ape,” Jobina snits. Wow this really is the “We Love Doctor Lauren and So Should You!!” episode! (Full disclosure: Zoie Palmer is indeed very pretty.)
The doc sorta skips over this moment and tells Sylvie to start pushing and that she can see the head. “Is he cute?” Sylvie asks. “Uh, well, I mean its head looks very symmetrical from here,” Doctor Lauren hedges. Bo moves to take a look. “Oh my God!” she exclaims. Jobina hands her a towel. “Get ready to play catcher.” Bo is aghast. “Me?!” Jobina: “It’s the miracle of life. Suck it up.” Heeeee. We so need Jobina to stick around!
With one more big push and a grunting Sylvie lo, a womblet is delivered by a grinning Doctor Lauren who deposits the crying infant into a stupefied Bo’s waiting hands. Jobina cradles an exhausted Sylvie who wonders if the womblet’s okay. “Oh, he’s, he’s,” Bo stutters, “he’s perfect!” and everyone laughs. “He’s a he!” she adds while swaddling the baby. Doctor Lauren cuddles against Bo as they cradle the child together. “Isn’t this amazing?” the doc says to a gasping Bo. “So amazing,” she admits. “You – you were amazing!” she adds. The doc smiles warmly and strokes the baby’s head. “I always liked the name Ethan for a boy, Charlotte for a girl.” Wait, she already has baby names picked out?! RUN BO! RUN! That woman is one bad breakup away from you coming home to find Kenzi cooking in a pot on the stove!! RUN!
Shocked but still cradling the child, Bo’s head jerks toward Doctor Lauren. “You have baby names? You want babies?!” Doctor Lauren: “Absolutely. Don’t you?” RUN BO!
You are freaking kidding me! Because every woman chooses baby names from the moment they get their first doll, right? And, naturally, the instant a woman is in a relationship, she must immediately become all about the baby making. I mean, what other value might she have? What a conservative, paternalistic perspective for you to advocate, show. Also, way to remove all doubt that this episode is little more than an elaborate doccubus fan fiction homage. In one fell swoop we have Doctor Lauren stripping down under her lab coat, Jobina announcing how beautiful she is, and even a lesbian love baby moment?! Really?! Exactly when did this become a “Choose Your Own Adventure” production? Oh, right. Now.
Jobina, who sees through all this crap, interrupts the canoodling. “Whatdya say we let the mama take a look, hmm?” You know, the woman who actually just gave birth. But just as Bo hands over the womblet, The Warden and her posse of Amazons enter. “Hand over my baby,” she orders, taser extended in phallic demand.
Doctor Lauren gives Sylvie a sedative as the girl weeps that Bo promised nothing would happen to her baby. “And nothing will,” the doc murmurs uselessly. “You’ve been breeding prisoners,” Bo accuses The Warden, who is now holding the womblet. The Warden smirks that the adoption market for unusual Fae is quite lucrative, but Bo points out that Sylvie wasn’t pregnant a few days ago. “That’s what was in those canisters. Some sort of magical sperm. Ew. What kind of Fae can do that?” Doctor Lauren finally pipes up to name a Liderc. “Trickster Fae capable of impregnating a host without detection. The oblivious mother finds herself delivering his baby mere days later.” The Warden smiles smugly at Bo as the doc completes her explanation. She concludes that they wipe the mothers’ memories and convince them they’ve reoffended out in the world when they’ve never even left the prison.
The Warden hands “her son” off to Silent Guard as a subdued Doctor Lauren returns to Sylvie’s side. Bo guilts the Amazon guards by parroting that the doc claims the Amazons are a proud and noble race. “How could they go along with this?” “Because I’m their leader!” The Warden insists, though going by Jobina’s pissed expression, I don’t think she’s going to be that for much longer. Bo retreats as she advances expounding “what would the Amazons be without duty? Without honor?! Nothing!” While she’s monologueing, Jobina slowly moves behind Doctor Lauren and calmly shifts her aside. “I wouldn’t, Doctor!” The Warden yells as Doctor Lauren lifts the wall phone’s receiver. “I wouldn’t!” she repeats and then tases Doctor Lauren. Oh my gosh, did that just happen?! Lemme rewind…YES! She tased the doc! That is so satisfying! I know, I know, this is the “Doctor Lauren Lewis is the Very Best Evah!” episode and I should be duly sad that the poor, put upon, unappreciated, beautiful doctor is being attacked. Except… Spy bang. Secret Girlfriend. Where’s that rewind button!
“You smell that?” The Warden asks. (I’m not gonna say it. I’m not gonna say it.) She holds Bo off with the taser as she (sigh again) leaps to the doc’s defense. “And I just grazed her. One more step and 9,000 volts…we’ll be having a barbeque.” Doctor Lauren struggles to her feet (boo). “At the behest of The Ash, I warn you,” she says to The Warden. “You’re a human,” The Warden returns, unconcerned, as that means the doc has absolutely no position in any of this. “And she’s not Light Fae,” she adds referring to Bo, “which means I can sell her baby to either side. I’ll be damned if I miss a chance to breed a succubus.” Wow. The creep factor on this episode just keeps getting higher. I think it’s because so much of what’s happening in this “Fae” prison and to these “supernatural” women strikes all too close to the real world.
“No,” Doctor Lauren moans uselessly. Because if anyone’s getting Bo pregnant it’s going to be
Dyson her! Bo grits out that she would rather die than succumb to The Warden’s evilive plan! The Warden has no problem with that, but only after Bo has “spawned”. Ew.
At the Siren’s Speakeasy (drink!), Kenzi throws open the door already in full-blown tirade and marches across the room to confront Hale (Hale!). “ABORT! A-Bort! Operation Chained Cooch is officially over!” Dyson strides in behind her and, catching Hale’s eye, flings his hand up in the air all I am done trying to control her. Yougive it a shot! Ha!
Kenzi isn’t through yet. “Baby you better sign or seal or spit on whatever you need to, to end this thing now.” She smacks the photos of the dead Doctor Everett on the table before Hale. Hale looks at her. “Pardon?” he asks, quite insulted and probably slightly confused. That was a lot of Kenzi babble to wade through at once. Dyson and Vex take positions on either side of Kenzi. “We gotta get in there and pinch those broads!” Kenzi demands as Hale gingerly picks up the photos. “Or, you know, better yet just knock ‘em off!” Dyson’s eyebrows go up at that – OK then – while Halemerely gives her A Look. “Sorry,” Kenzi offers. “This – place has that affect on me.” Bypassing Kenzi, Hale simply says Dyson’s name and he explains that they found the body of the former prison doctor, “and then Vex showed Kenzi the photos." Vex: “Yeah! You thought it was hilarious, didn’t you darling?” he says to Kenzi who throws up a spread hand to block his face. It looks like Vex changed back into his original outfit though I don’t’ see Dyson and Kenzi making a pit stop for him to change. I’m going to file it under whatever.
Hale quietly confirms that he did get a call from the prisoner infirmary but he figured it was a misdial. “All I heard was –” “What!” Kenzi demands, frightened. “Someone yelling,” Hale admits. Dyson immediately goes on alert. “I’m on it!” and Kenzi hurries after him, “I’m coming.” Vex sighs. “I’m bored.”
Hale ignores him to call after Dyson. “Wish I could get in on the action!” Dyson turns back at the door to share a bro moment with his old partner. Kenzi pats him on the back and exits. “You’re the new Ash,” Dyson reminds Hale, not without regret. “You’ll be missed though. Sir!” he adds, in a nice acknowledgement of their change in hierarchy. I really, really, really hope this isn’t more barely masked meta communication from the show to the audience about Hale not being around much this season. Hale holds a crucial place in the not-so-Merry Band of Fae dynamics. And then there’s that inevitable Kenzi hook up awaiting them…
Dyson and his long-legged stride head off after Kenzi leaving an unhappy if resigned Hale alone...with Vex.
“You know,” Vex muses, “I have this sudden urge to don a fedora and dance the Charleston – and I do not dance the Charleston.” He casts a sly look at Hale who’s doing his best to ignore the Mesmer. “Unless, of course, you want me too,” he adds with a naughty wink. Love. Vex.
Back at the prison (oh just kill me now), French Guard is escorting a still clearly pissed Jobina down the hall. She’s a good distance ahead of The Warden and the rest of the Amazons including BBG and Silent Guard. Jobina tosses a nasty look over her shoulder at French Guard. Methinks the lady is planning something. The Warden is still monologueing! “My guards are disciplined but they have a warrior’s appetite. They’ll devour the human doctor while you all watch.”
Bo insists that The Warden leave the doc out of “this” since they’ve already got her, but Doctor Lauren, for once, can’t keep her mouth shut. “Is that what happened to Doctor Everett?” she asks. The Warden admits Doctor Everett was going to tattle to The Ash about their baby farm. “The prisoners had to watch her die too, teach them a lesson in discretion.”
French Guard shuts Jobina in her cell. Immediately, Jobina reaches through the bars to grab French Guard’s, erm, baton and use it to choke her. “You got one shot, succubus!” she shouts. After a charged moment where Doctor Lauren and Bo stare at one another dumbfounded (so helpful), Bo shoves herself free of Silent Guard and uses her taser on Extra No Name Guard. Freed from Extra No Name Guard, Doctor Lauren just stands there gaping as Bo turns toward The Warden, which gives BBG the chance to get Doctor Lauren in a headlock.
Bo advances on The Warden but rather than tase her, instead she kisses her again until a revived Silent Guard pulls her off. The Warden reassures the guards that Bo is bluffing. “She’s powerless.” But Bo achieved her goal. “I knew that was a lot of stubble,” she gloats, “even for an Amazon. You’re beloved leader is a man,” she announces to the crowd. “He’s a Liderc. He’s been impregnating the prisoners himself.” The Warden insists that’s ridiculous but Jobina releases a stunned French Guard and BBG sets Doctor Lauren free. “You disposed of all the canisters below. You brought them in as decoys for the Amazons.” The Warden shouts that Bo will say anything to save her human lover, but BBG has decided to put an end to this argument directly by grabbing The Warden’s crotch. She screams into her face when she discovers Bo is telling the truth. “Wow,” Doctor Lauren gasps. “We’re not the only things undercover at Hecuba.”
As the guards swarm him and drag him away, The Warden shouts that he was doing those babies a favor and that her mother was an Amazon. Bo turns the lever that releases all the cells and for a moment, the hallway is a catwalk for released women prisoners, one of whom drops a paper rose in passing for Bo to pick up. “Time to go, ‘human lover’,” she jokes lightly. Doctor Lauren smiles sadly and says she hopes Hale got her message. “I’m sure the Calvary’s on their way,” Bo says with confidence. But the doc is still sad and Bo correctly identifies that it’s because of Doctor Everett. “She must have known what The Warden would do. Why didn’t she get out when she could?” the doc asks. Bo points out that the doc didn’t leave given the chance either. “She couldn’t leave her patients behind – you felt it. You were right.” Bo steps closer. “About everything.”
She stares at the doc another moment and then goes for broke and kisses her. Steam sprouts from screen as Twitter completely melts down under the force of the doccubus fan celebration. “It’s time,” Bo says when she comes up for air. “It’s time?” the doc repeats, too afraid to hope. “Us,” Bo confirms and Doctor Lauren’s face collapses as she struggles to control her emotions. “Really,” she croaks out brokenly. While I appreciate the gravity of the moment, doc, let’s not forget that the delay in your relationship status is solely your fault. Spy bang.Secret Girlfriend. Try not to make it sound otherwise, ‘kay? (Oh, by the way, Zoie Palmer totally nails that delivery. Excellent work.)
“I want to give this a real shot,” Bo says. “Be together.” That plummeting sound you hear is my respect for the character of Bo. Look, you want to forgive the spy bang, fine. I wouldn’t, but I can get behind the notion that everyone should at least get one second chance. But that second chance was thrown back in Bo’s face with the undisclosed secret girlfriend situation and now she’s still going to go forward in a relationship with the doc? That’s where she loses me. Hey, if you can’t respect yourself better than that, sweetie, I’m not going to do it for you.
Huh. Even knowing this was coming, and you’d have to be seriously not paying attention not to have seen this a mile away, it’s still really bugging the crap out of me. To be fair, that’s probably residual from the entire episode’s general disappointment and the blatant fan-directed storytelling. Then there’s also the doc’s basic passive aggressive nature and the general imbalance of power in this relationship. But on the bright side, now that they’re together, the Joss Whedon-inspired laws of genre television demand that they quickly become miserable and be torn apart. Bo could still eat the doc’s face off too after all. So there’s yet hope.
“Life is too short,” Bo adds and, taking her at her word, the doc jumps her, kissing her deeply. Pounding feet sound down the hall from the entrance. Dyson slows to a halt at the gate just in time to see Bo and Doctor Lauren’s clinch. Wow, you really are giving the doccubus fans every single thing they could want, aren’t you, show? Kenzi runs up behind him. “Wait, the guards are – ” “Gone,” Dyson finishes in THAT VOICE as he watches the woman he loves make out with another. “It’s all over,” he adds fatalistically (Anvil! Double-meaning anvil alert!). Kenzi’s face falls when she spies her bestie and the doc. “Well at least Bo looks…chipper,” Kenzi suggests sadly and heavy with the awkward. Dyson gets almost the exact same expression he had when he saw the two women kissing in the season two finale. “She looks happy,” he says softly with a sad smile and Kenzi pats him on the shoulder in support. Sniff. I’m even more convinced now that he’s doing this on purpose to give Bo a chance at happiness without mucking up the situation with news of his returned love. That’s what truly loving someone means – to selflessly put the happiness your loved one above all else – even your own. Come to think of it, there is nothing better.
The camera highlights Bo and Doctor Lauren sucking face in the foreground and then pans up, using all that great space to show Kenzi and Dyson in the background separated from them by a wrought iron gate until Bo and the doc are out of frame and it’s just Kenzi and Dyson in the shot. Subtle visual there, show (but I like it!).
Back at The Dal (drink!), Bo, Kenzi, and Trick are sharing an after-action drink. Trick admits it nearly killed him to deny Bo sanctuary. “Well, that was the plan, Gramps,” Bo teases and Trick winces. “Oh, don’t call me that! Makes me feel so old.” They laugh as Bo’s phone rings with a text message from Doctor Lauren. “So where is the fine doc this evening?” Kenzi asks on the bare edge of polite. Bo says she is home resting. From what? Delivering a baby and taking a shot to the shoulder? Bo did all the heavy lifting (as usual) and doesn’t require a timeout. Plus, as far as we know she’s still healing the human way, so…
Whatever. Bo says she’s going to go check on the poor, weak doctor later. “Is that what all the kids are calling it these days?” Kenzi snarks to Trick. Before having to answer, Bo gets another text, this one from Sylvie who lets Bo know she and her baby made it to her mom’s and they’ve decided to name him Beau. “Oh, and she sent pics!” Bo passes the phone to Kenzi. “Bird! Bird boy! Ew!” She hands the phone to Trick who rolls his eyes. “Wombly’s get cuter after their first molting,” he hedges. Bo: “Even with all those feathers, he’ll have a better upbringing than with The Warden.” Trick details that the Amazons just tossed him aside but he somehow survived and Kenzi adds that he still wanted to be like them even after that.
The door opens and Kenzi pops up. “All Hale the New Ash!” she announces as Hale joins them. Where exactly did Dyson get to again? “You see what I did there? Hail/Hale Ash.” “Never gets old,” Hale teases and Kenzi agrees. Trick asks what the latest news is on Hecuba. “I’ve pardoned all but the most violent prisoners,” Hale informs them, “and shut it down.” He holds a hand out to Kenzi without looking away from Trick and she slaps him some skin. “Oh, that’s my man!” Oh, if only. Since you seem to be taking such good direction these days, show, you could go ahead and get on that one!
“You know,” Hale adds, “That’s the first time I’ve enjoyed being The Ash.” Trick’s face twitches; he can barely hold it in until Hale is out of earshot back in Siren’s Speakeasy (drink!). “Acting Ash,” he finally says before he bursts with it. What is the deal with him constantly trying to put Hale in place? The man’s got the title – give him the respect! This better be addressed soon. Kenzi, at least, doesn’t let it slide by, loyal friend that she is. “Acting like an Ash you can be proud of,” she says to Trick with a chiding look. “Hale wait up!” and she goes off after her
“Well!” Bo says. “I am off to see my girlfriend!” Trick wishes them both well. Whatever show. We geddit. Kool Aid for all. Bo gets a little teary as she thanks him and Trick peers at her more intently. “Are you really all right? You went through a lot behind bars.” YES SHE DID!! “No powers. No privacy.” A debasing wet down with a fire hose. A savage beating. Sexual harassment and assault.
“Like my mom,” Bo says seeing where he’s going with this. “Hundreds of years, being used by the Dark the same way that The Warden –” here she has to catch her breath as the post-traumatic fall out rears up. Trick wonders what she means. “My father was most certainly dark,” Bo says. “But what if he was a monster? What does that make me?” This is one of her greatest fears that the secrets of her past will ultimately reveal her as the monster she’s always believed herself to be.
“You’re a lot of things, Bo,” Trick says gently. He touches her arm to comfort and she recoils slightly. “But you’re not a monster,” he insists. She smiles a little yeah, okay – and gets up to leave. Once she’s gone, Trick’s own smile falls as though he’s not sure he believes it either and he drinks deep from his glass.
Outside, the door to The Dal (drink!) opens and Bo struts out into the entire empty alley – except for one unwary, appreciative man. I swear she’s wearing different clothes, but can’t be sure. Her face is blank as she walks past the man and then, at the last moment, she shoves him up against the wall and drinks him all down in a succubus kiss. As she drops him to the ground like discarded trash and stalks away, an unholy smile creeps up across her face as her eyes shine bright blue.
Fae of the Day:
Amazons: Women warrior fae who refuse to answer to any male authority. The only time they fraternization with male Fae is when they’re ready to procreate. Male children are abandoned to survive or not on their own while women children are treasured and raised to be Amazons. They are known to be extremely noble and honorable, except for that pesky male child abandonment caveat.
Liderc: A male fae who can impregnate a woman without her being aware of it. Gestation in such cases is quite quick, usually a matter of days.
Wombly: A rare, bird-like North American Fae that is on the brink of extinction. They have an extremely developed olfactory sense that can, in the wrong circumstance, result in combustion.
Quotes of the Night:
Kenzi: Your stupid ass plan means my best friend is tits deep in enemy territory!
Hale: The Amazons won’t listen to me. Kenzi: Because of your stupid penis? Hale: I prefer untested leadership.
Trick: This gin joint was the swingingest hootenanny in town! Me and the flappers used to get geezed on wobbly pops!
Dyson: The Garuda. Baba Yega. The Lich. Kenzi: Worst dinner party ever?”
Dyson: You break my cover and I will rip your balls off and sell them to a certain butcher we know.
Vex: I could be your new partner! With the big stick and handcuffs?! Ooh, la!
Dyson: Wish I was going with you. Kenzi: You know the drill: No wangs allowed. Dyson: Face of an angel, voice of a poet.
Kenzi: I’m Bo’s honey bee and I’m here for some sugar.
Kenzi: The shorter the life span, the deeper the quicksand.
Bo: You wore your redneck wig. Kenzi: And my monster truck thong. Go method or go home!
Kenzi: I’ll never wash these lips again! I’ll be faithful! This time.
Kenzi: ABORT! A-Bort! Operation Chained Cooch is officially over!
Vex: I have this sudden urge to don a fedora and dance the Charleston – and I do not dance the Charleston. Unless, of course, you want me to.
Next week: SubterrFaenean