Wed
Sep 19 2012 9:17am

Contract This! What’s in Your Sexual Contract?

A relationship and sex therapist recently had an article in the Huffington Post discussing the contract negotiations in Fifty Shades of Grey and suggesting that real-life contract talks might help people's sex lives.

She goes on to explain in reasonable terms how such a discussion could benefit sexual relationships, and that's true and all, but of course, we'd like to know:

What would or would not be included in your sex contract?

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6 comments
EJ
1. EJ
That would be a hard question to answer. I mean think about; there are many things I am sure many of us have done in the heat of things, that when thinking clearing we would have said there is no way we would ever do. But in that moment in time, it was perfect. And thinking of it that way you would say yes I would do that again.

On one hand I can understand putting down what you would never do, but on the other hand how do you know you would not like it. Now I am not talking about things you have expirenced before and not liked. But wait itn't it possible that you did not like it with that person, maybe the person you are with now, you would like it. You see where I am going with this. Think about it like this; a hamburger in one restaruant you may not like just because they cooked the meat in a way that you don't like; but at a restaruant say, in the next state over, cooks their meat in a way that you would drive five hours just for one bite. So how can a person limit themselves when it comes to this kind of thing.

If there is a relationship, how would that not hurt the relationship. Both/all involved would feel as if the other party is only willing to go so far in the relationship because they don't trust the other not to be able to know each other enough to know when it is too far.
Mara Gillott
2. MaraGillott
I do believe that talking about your limits could really help a relationship and put everything out on the table. Full disclosure. Too many times issues arise because people are afraid to talk about sex and their fantasies and desires. STOP BEING PRUDE! Sex is supposed to be intimate between partners so why couples are afraid to be open and honest baffles me!
Now for the real question: Why would be in my contact? Well... a lady never tells... but I'm not a lady....
There is few things I'm embarassed by or not willing to give a try. I don't mind a bit of pleasureable pain, but violent sex (read Erotic asphyxiation, anything that leaves permanet marks, bruisings, etc) is not something I find enticing.
It's all in good fun and as long as your with someone you trust, to me there is no reason not to give everything out there a go as long as you are comfortable with it.
Megan Frampton
3. MFrampton
@EJ and @MaraGillott, you guys are right--Everything should be on the table for discussion, as long as it's discussed! I think what the original article stressed, correctly, is that this kind of structure can help couples actually *talk* about things they tend not to talk about. And that's all good.
EJ
4. EJ
It's not the talking I am refering to, just the limits that a contract would inforce and how cold it would feel, to me. I agree there are a lot of people that still have a hard time talking about sex; the things they would like to try etc...With sex to some dgree, there should be no limits; if you are with someone you trust. This is even more important if this is with someone you love.
Not everything should be planned out and when sex is planned out it just seems to lose the spark, that should be part of a relationship to me. To me you plan a trip to the store, or how you are going to pay off something etc.... To plan sex in the same way, 'I will do this, I won't do that' just seems so cold, to me. Why not just call it a
'Honey do list'.
1.you need to bring this...
2.do not bring this...
3.I will not do that...
4.I will do that...
Well you get my point, this does not look different from a list of things you yourself need to do or need your wife or husband to do.
Now if we are not talking relationships and we are refering to just sex, then fine have a contract. Yes it is still unfeeling, but who is going to get hurt when there is not a relationship?
Just my thoughts on this and no one has to agree with me.
EJ
5. Isabel C.
With sex to some dgree, there should be no limits; if you are with someone you trust. This is even more important if this is with someone you love.

Whoa. No. Just no.

I trust a lot of people. I love a lot of people. And I'm, er, pretty open--but there are some things I just don't want to do, things that even Dan Savage describes as "a fetish too far".

For example--warning, gross--I don't care how much I love someone, I'm not doing scat, fursuits, or infant play, because ew. I don't care how much I trust someone, I'm not doing breathplay or the more hardcore sorts of bloodplay, because accidents happen and I like staying alive.

And where other things are concerned? I'm thirty. I'm open to new things, but I've been around the block enough to know what I like and what I don't--and when I don't like the idea of something, I trust my own judgment. "Try it, you'll like it," and "Try it, you'll like it with me," are not sexy.

And I object, fundamentally, to the implication that knowing and sticking to your own preferences is unfeeling, untrusting, or unromantic. Society gives women quite enough crap for doing that as it is. Furthermore, a guy who would feel hurt or throw a hissy if I tell him that no, I'm not dressing up like a bunny rabbit, sorry, is not a guy that I want anything to do with romantically. I like to date adults.

Rant aside, other than the stuff above: no twee names. Just no. "Honey" or "darling" is fine, but call me "baby" or "pookie" or whatever and we will be parting ways quickfast. I don't mind the BDSM funtimes either, but possessiveness is a major turn-off for me, so no thanks on the "marking" or the "rar, mine" talk.
mandy troxel
6. mandytroxel@gmail.com
i would have to say, no to the contract. for one i trust my partner and im very open to new things. im always looking for ways to spice it up in the bedroom. same old same old leads to the candle burning out quickly. role play is a must have.
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