Things we learned last week: Newlin is the new Nan, Eric and Bill must find out where Russell is, Pam totally did it with Eric and Tara still hates Sookie and Lafayette.
- Tara goes all death by Jersey Shore and bakes herself on high in a tanning bed. Pam feels her pain and ends up commanding her dumbass out of the tanning bed.
- Lafeyette finds out Sookie confessed to Alcide about what happened to Debbie and flips out on her. He ends up calling her the Angel of Death before sashaying away.
- Bill and Eric go hunting for Russell but keep coming up empty, they finally decide to use Sookie and not in the dirty sense.
- Roman tries to break Nora into telling him who her ally is within the Authority. He ends up sending down the skanky Authority lady to have a chat with Nora.
- Sookie turns herself into Jason, seriously of all people to turn yourself in to you chose your brother? Bish please, you know he wasn’t going to arrest you!
- Pam finally sees Eric and Bill back at Fangtastia, and ends up in a huge argument with Eric when he chokes her ass. He thinks she could be the vampire who dug up Russell. Eric apparently is an idiot, because we all know Pam wouldn’t do that to her Maker. She ends up asking for her release, if he doesn’t trust her anymore she wants to be set free. Meanwhile, Bill has a chat with Tara about being a newb and Tara counters with Sookie’s a bitch.
- Sam gets a visit from his shape shifting pals, who invite him out for a run. He’s reluctant at first but when he finds out Luna won’t be there, he’s all up for the 100 yard dash, doggie version.
- Patrick and Terry set out to find their old army buddy, and on the drive, Terry goes all flashback to their time in Iraq. Turns out on July 4th,they all got drunk and drugged and left one of their buddies to guard their hiding spot. An Iraqi comes at them screaming and for some reason their guard buddy goes gunslinger and shoots him a few times. The rest of the drunk squad come flying down to say WTF buddy and hostile fire comes at them all. When all is said and done, there are a ton of dead Iraqis and Terry is freaking out.
- At Merlottes, Sookie’s telepathic ability picks up on all the negative thoughts about her and Tara.
- Lafayette is still hella pissed at Sookie and goes voodoo demon on her little yellow car. When Sookie is out for a drive, the car speeds up and the breaks won’t work so she flings herself out at 90 mph.
- Alcide meets with the Pelts and tells them a tall tale. In his version, he abducated Debbie from the Pack and she hooked up with Marcus. Marcus killed her and in turn, Alcide killed Marcus. For some reason, the Pelts don’t ask where their daughter’s body is.
- Andy gets word that the Pelts have left town from Jason but Andy won’t drop it. Jess comes in just then and mind melds him into forgetting everything about the Pelt case. After all that, Jason, Andy, and the judge get into a limo with a bunch of scantily clad ladies. They put hoods on the men and lead them to the woods, and that’s when we find out they are Fae. They open a portal and it opens up into a fae nightclub.
- Bill goes home to search with Jessica for a bug in the house, since he can’t seem to find the leak to Russell’s burial spot. Jess ends up telling him he has to check on Sookie because she’s not doing too well. Yeah, Sookie is doing great—she’s drunk as a skunk at home and singing her little heart out. Alcohol makes it better! Lafeyette calls Sookie because he finds her car all smashed and realized he went demon on it. As Sookie hangs up on him, Alcide shows up.
- Roman ends up breaking Nora, with the threat that he will kill Eric and Bill if she doesn’t tell him who else in the Authority is working for the Sanguinista movement.
- Terry and Patrick find their buddy’s creepy bomb shelter, and their creepy buddy holds them at gunpoint.
- Sam goes to meet his shifter friends for their run, but instead finds them all dead. Wonder what the hell happened there; that came outta left field!
- Alcide and Sookie end up making out, FINALLY. Funny enough, Eric and Bill are outside watching.
- At the fae naked party, Andy finds his lovah and Jason runs into his cousin Hadley. She tells him that the place is kinda like a fae safe house, then goes on to say that they need to save Sookie because the vampires are going to eventually kill her. But the big old WTF of the night, apparently the vampires killed Jason and Sookie’s parents! One of the fae take Hadley away and Jason makes a scene, which ends with the fae men zapping Andy and Jason right back to the field.
WTF-ERY (As only True Blood can provide)
- Andy’s naked arse on Facebook. Can I just thank the gods above I didn’t see that on my big TV? *shudders*
- Arlene calling Sam’s shifter buddies “Barack and Hilary.” Umm, can we be anymore racist? And what was the point of that anyway?
- Sookie flinging herself out of an out-of-control car and not getting so much as a touch of road rash.
- When Alcide was crying over Debbie to her parents. Could that scene have been any more uncomfortable to watch? Alcide is one crappy crier.
- When Roman meets with council and tells them they do in fact have another traitor. He tells some long story about a holy stake and then confronts…CREEPY KID! Turns out creepy kid hates humans and all of the sudden BOOM, Roman stakes the hell out of the kid who explodes everywhere. When he is talking with all the kid-explosion all over his face, ahhhhh!!
The only nudity worth noting is the shit-ton in the fae version of Moulin Rouge. There’s tatas, male oiled and waxed chests, and booty galore. Yes there was Andy’s naked booty, but do we really want to relive that horrible moment?
Pam to Eric: “Let bygones be bygones, bi girls be bi girls.”
Pam to Eric: “Congratulations, you’re a grandfather.”
Eric to Pam: “You were born into greatness.”
Pam to Tara’s donor: “Seriously, three days old and she already has an eating disorder.”
Do we care about the Terry storyline? What about the sudden Sam storyline? And do we think Tara will ever forgive Lafayette and Sookie?
Natasha Carty reviews Paranormal Romance and Urban Fantasy on her website Wicked Little Pixie and lives in Toronto, Canada, with her cat, Seamus.