It’s been one week since someone had sex on True Blood, and this week had zero sex. WTH! We should really start doing a countdown.
Things we learned last week: Russell staked Roman, Alcide issues a Master challenge to JD, Terry leaves Arlene, Sam saves Andy’s life and Sookie finds out her parents were killed by a vampire.
This week is all about the WTF, there was just so much WTF.
- Instead of killing Eric, Russell hangs him by a silver noose. He gets captured, yet is released later on.
- Sookie gets checked out by the fairies and finds out her magic is depleting. If she keeps using it, she’ll become a vanilla human.
- Sam sniffs out the gun store and finds a cache of Obama masks that the Haters use. Umm, WHY Obama?
- Speaking of the Obama mask clad, they save Hoyt’s life as he is almost drained in an alley behind Fangtasia. He ends up joining their cause, because he’s a puss like that.
- Bill and Eric finally realize it was Salome who released Russell; she followed them when they buried him. She wants them to join the movement and they refuse, but she says they need a night to think it over.
- Arlene gets all nostalgic and watches her wedding video with Holly, who ends up convincing Arlene to try harder if she really loves Terry.
- Jason and Sookie talk, Jason makes sure that Sookie isn’t blaming herself for their parents’ death.
- Lafayette pays a visit to Jesus’s family, only to find Jesus’s head, and then his arse gets captured.
- Tara works a mean pole at Fangtasia, only to be confronted by her mother who disowns her. No preacher’s wife will have a vampire stripper for a daughter, don’t you know?
- Meanwhile, back at the vampire compound, Salome offers everyone a little taste of Lilith’s old ass blood and then they get high.
- Lafayette ends up tied to a chair and his lips sewn shut, with a pregnant lady at his feet. His brain blood is to be a sacrifice to her unborn child…that is, until she stabs the shit out of Jesus’s funky freaky relative.
- JD tells the pack that a vampire (Russell, I’m sure) says that the End of Days is coming and vampires will fight humans. Thus all the pack must drink vampire blood to survive, he even offers some to little Emma until Martha finds out.
- Sam is at the hospital visiting with Luna when he catches the sent of one of the Haters and beats the funk out of him. At least he’s in the hospital, not a far trip to the ER for the Hater.
- The drunk on Lilith blood vampires end up going blood wild in a bar and draining a ton of humans, but when a single drop of blood hits the floor, up comes Lilith. Eric gets a visit from the ghost of Godrich who tells Eric this is all wrong and to fight for Nora.
- Terry and Patrick sit in a field to draw the smoke monster to them, when it comes to visit, it laughs at them and takes off. Terry ends up with a gun to his chin and Patrick says that “Suicide is for Muslims” Holy rude comment! I had to rewind the DVR to make sure I heard that correctly, not cool TB writers.
- Jason comes to visit Jess and they make out, he tastes blood and freaks. They end up fighting and he shoots her in the head, she kicks him out of her mansion.
- Sookie starts throwing fairy fireballs to deplete her magic.
WTF-ERY as only True Blood can provide
- Alcide training with his “Second” but then making out instead. Both are a real work-out. Lucky bish!
- Andy pays a visit to former Sheriff Dearborn, who makes sure Andy gets the hell off his porch because he’s retired and has a mistress. But not without making sure Andy knows that Budd has male enhancement ointment he’s about to try out. *Shudder*
- Why in the world is Pam sporting crimped hair? Even if it did look a little bit hot, please tell me that style isn’t coming back.
- The vampire contingent getting all high as shit and going hog wild in New Orleans, it’s like a twisted version of Mardi Gras. Especially with Eric piggy-backing Bill.
- The BEST part of the episode is when the weird girl is on stage in the bar singing and Russell makes it a duet.
- Alcide: Training sans shirt
- Random Fangbanger: Only in briefs while Jess sucks his blood.
- Sookie: “Fuck you, I’m depleting!”
- Officer: “TMI Coroner Stancer!”
- Eric: “Never, you bible banging cu*t!”
- Sookie: “And yes, you can eat my bacon.”
- Newlin: “I’m like a tree in the wind, I’m just so happy to be included.”
How much do you all love Russell? Are you Team Russell? He KILLS me! What about the Smoke Monster, do you like this storyline or is it boring the hell out of you?
Natasha Carty reviews Paranormal Romance and Urban Fantasy on her website Wicked Little Pixie and lives in Toronto, Canada, with her cat, Seamus.