We are coming up on the start of Season Five of True Blood debuting this summer.
If you have memory issues like I do, click here to see my recap of True Blood’s Season Four Finale.
There, feel like you just went through it all again? Still angry from the events of last season? Moving right along, I present you with my list of demands.
After last season’s weird-ass finale, I have a list of thing that I would like to see happen and things I wished would stop happening. There were so many things that should have happened last season and didn’t, or things that shouldn’t have happened and did….like Tara getting capped, Jesus kicking the bucket, and Rene’s ghostly return.
The Loose Ends…..
True Blood has this horrific habit of leaving things open ALL SEASON LONG. Close that shite people; we have how many storylines going at once? Last season, the fairy in the woods with Andy disappeared, and then two old characters came back. It’s like they thrive on things not being resolved. I can only handle four storylines at once, maybe more if they are interesting but really, does anyone care about Andy’s sex life? I don’t. And what happened to the panthers? Can we close that up because they really ick me out!
Forget More Cowbell, I Want More PAM!
Can’t Pam get some happiness up in here? I love her character—she’s sarcastic, sexy, and will bite your throat out. But there is a huge back story just waiting to get out of her. Less Andy, more Pam. Less Jason, more Pam. I might be alone here, but doesn’t she seem like she’d be a helluva lot more in your face than Andy?
Tara, Oh, Poor Tara.
What.The.Hell. Poor Tara, the girl has been through hell and back with Eggs and now she’s all dead on the kitchen floor? Tara just can’t catch a break; she’s always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Give the girl a happily ever after! And please tell me Sookie got dusted with fairy powder and this was all a dream. As much as Tara irritates the shit out of me, I don’t want one of the main minority characters with a bullet in the head. But if she is “dead” please please please DO NOT MAKE HER A VAMPIRE! Let her die with dignity, cause you know she’ll flip her shizzle if she is turned. Bill better run fast and far away.
CGI Is Not Campy.
I’m currently holding prayer sessions that the powers that be behind the show have gotten a better budget together (after five years, people!) so we don’t have to sit through craptacular CGI like we did last season. It’s not campy, it’s cheesy. All the scenes surrounding Lafayette and his new witchy powers last season were some of my least favorite, which sucks because Laf is my favorite character. And he’s been through so much with the death of Jesus. *wipes a tear away* But thank you, Alan Ball, for keeping Lafayette around.
Alcide. Booty. Yes Please.
Can we just get more booty? Please. Can Sookie also not ruin this Alpha? I just don’t want to see him weakened over his Sookie obsessions, please don’t do it. But more of him naked please, we would all appreciate it. Thankfully, Debbie is Alpha enough to rip some shit up. Watch out, Sookie.
Eric, Alpha Please.
See above. More naked, less “nice” and please stay being the ruthless man you were before you lost your memory. Sappy Eric wasn’t fun. Sexy sometimes, but just a bit too wimpy. He has a lot coming up this season, with Russell and now Bill as the big man. But let’s hope Eric meets a nice vampire (or Natasha) and settles down. I know I know that’s not how the books go, but stranger things have happened.
Bill, Mean Bill
I like this new-found meaness Bill is rocking in his new job. He doesn’t take shit and he’s out to kick ass and take names. With Sookie I felt he was all Southern Gentleman and now we have a whole new Bill to deal with. I can’t wait to see how this storyline fleshes out and how he acts with Sookie now that she broke not just his, but Eric’s heart. Maybe they will turn on her in tandem? Who knows, but I like the ideas my head wants to take with this story.
Jason/Hoyt/Jessica Strange Love
I really could care less about these three. We can already tell Hoyt’s going to go all Anti-Vampire, Jessica is going to continue to try to seduce Jason and, well, Jason at some point will give in and get some. Boring. Next.
Pastor Steve Newlin/Russell Edgington: Return of the Macks
Steve is going to be the one to help push Hoyt over the edge into full on vampire hate. And again, I could care less. Why was he brought back? He annoys me. Same goes for Russell, but I like him and his old evil ass. He’ll bring the evils and the LOLs. And you know he’s mad as hell, come on, he was buried in a parking lot!
Another one of the storylines that could have been so much better than it was last season. Can’t someone discover Arlene is psychic or a witch or something? Give the woman a better storyline!!
That’s all I’ve got right now. Yes, I demanded. Even though I know they’ve been shooting the new episodes for a few weeks now, but a girl can try, right? Will I watch if they don’t take into account my recommendations? Dang straight. If only for a glimpse of Alcide’s booty.
So are you excited? What do you wish they would change? What do you wish they would keep the same? Or are you done with the series and refuse to go on?
Natasha Carty reviews Paranormal Romance and Urban Fantasy on her website Wicked Little Pixie and lives in Toronto, Canada, with her cat, Seamus.