Can’t get enough of SyFy’s new show Lost Girl? Neither can we, so we’ve begun a weekly recap. Don’t miss Heather Waters’s thoughts on episodes 1-3 or Kiersten Krum’s recaps of episode 4, episode 5, and episode 6.
And now, on to the recap of episode 7, “ArachnoFaebia”...
At Hilton Hovel Kenzi is flirting hard with the Pizza Pete, who’s flirting back, or at least he is until Bo wanders over. She wonders if he’s all up in Kenzi’s grill. Kenzi: “Not yet.” Bo rolls her eyes and succubuses the guy so they don’t have to pay as she pushes him out the door. Pouting, Kenzi bites into her pizza and whines “I was getting my flirt on.” Bo: “With the delivery dude?” Kenzi: “He is an act-tor, OK? And I pretty sure his crust was double-stuffed, if you know what I mean.” Bo wishes she didn’t but Kenzi not done, complaining that things are so easy for Bo. “Sometimes I wish I had man slaves to do what I want.” So say we all, kiddo.
Bo points out that Kenzi finds some things easy, like mistaking the table for the sink and the laundry hamper and hands over Kenzi’s pants and used bowl as examples. Kenzi hefts a nearby ax and retorts that Bo feels free to leave weapons lying around. “Were you planning to chop some wood?” and I’m just gonna let that one slide right on by. “That’s for protection – our protection,” Bo points out, and Kenzi suggests that Bo then consider her pants “our” laundry.
Bo pauses, realizing that they’re actually having their first real fight. She rounds the table and one-arm hugs Kenzi, saying it’s like they’re real-life sisters and Kenzi gives in, smiling, and hugs her back. “For walking Viagra, you’re such a nerd,” and I realize I’m smiling because I have a sister and this is as close as fake sisterhood on television gets to the real thing. Which is not that close, now that I think about it.
I do really enjoy the fact that this bit is done while Bo and Kenzi are eating the pizza and talking with their mouths at various moments. That, more than anything, cinches the sister vibe. Bo points out she did find rat droppings in the dirty dishes and Kenzi gives in “but not because you told me to, scary dish Nazi.” Bo: “Hey, I’m picky, not psychotic.” Kenzi: “Family is always psychotic.” Word.
Cut to a ranch house and an old woman calling out to her sister, Martha, that there’s only 5 minutes before their show starts. She wanders to the door and bemoans that fact that Martha still hasn’t properly locked the front door. She shuffles into the kitchen, complaining about the state into which the neighborhood has fallen, “thieves and rapists!” She pulls a rolling pin from the drawer, testing its weight, and in a menacing voice, insists that when they come, she and Martha will be ready. Turning, she nearly runs straight into Martha, who is hovering in a not at all creeptastic way. Surprised, she asks if Martha is ready for the Spin-Win-Grin (seriously?!). Martha: “After 60 years, I’m ready for you to shut the hell up!” and proceeds to ensure it but stabbing her sister in the belly over and over again with her knitting needles. The camera cuts across the dining room, and follows the line of yarn stretching from the murderous needles back to where the skein rests on a dining room chair just as a steroid-infused spider crawls on top of the skein.
At Hilton Hovel, Kenzi rounds the corner in a fake white-blonde wig, dressed like a Russian gypsy. In the bottom foreground corner, we sees a display of wigs that would make Cher wonder if she’d been hacked. In the background, the enormous flat-screened TV (come on, now!), is paused on what looks like a Tim Burton-homage cartoon. Bo is sitting behind Kenzi, watching her pimp, as Kenzi insists that Bo go meet Doctor Lauren for drinks as planned and leave her to her little business side venture. “OK,” Bo says without moving. Kenzi sighs, knowing she’s losing the battle. “Have you seen my Dream catcher?” Bo holds up an ample-sized Dream catcher. “No, my big one,” Kenzi corrects her as if one the size of Gryffindor house table isn’t quite enough. “Oh,” Bo laughs. “I am so coming for this, whatever this is.”
Kenzi gives in, begging Bo to be cool. “Well, one of us has to be,” Bo jokes. They go off to meet a realtor at Martha’s Knitting Knifery. Kenzi adopts a Russian accent (which gets extra authenticity from the fact that Ksenia Solo is originally from Latvia) and begins to run her aura cleansing scam on the realtor. Looking around, Bo wonders what happened and the realtor shrugs off a “messy incident” the week before. In thick Russian accent, Kenzi asks the realtor to forgive “her assistant” who is intuitive but has the tact of a grizzly bear. “Of course, Shaman Saganni,” says the realtor and Bo gives Kenzi a look and whispers, “Shaman?” Kenzi: “Please do shut up and light the sage stick.”
Kenzanni goes into Russian gypsy shaman mode, chanting and roaming around the room with her sage stick, which basically looks like she just finished a workshop taught by both Martha Graham and Twyla Tharp at the same time.
Hale and Dyson wander out of a suburban home and it is only 5:21 in. Thank you, producers! Hale reads from his pad about the sweet spinster sisters in family home who wouldn’t hurt a fly, “which is typical neighbor-speak for ‘the blood bath next door tanked our property value.” Dyson rubs his furry face as he looks around the neighborhood and notes that he’s supposed to be the cynical one. Hale insists it’s an open and shut murder suicide, so we know what happened to Martha in the end. Dyson points out that it’s the fourth one in three months, which makes him wonder if it’s a dark fae kill even if neither one of them can think of a dark fae that kills this way. Dyson wants to keep canvassing the neighborhood to see if anyone saw anything unusual. “Like a bright yellow subb-mobile?” Hales wonders, spotting Bo’s car, “look at that, parked right in front of Casa de Massacre.” Dyson: “It’s like this girl is addicted to trouble.” If that trouble goes by the name of Dyson (and it does) then count me in, baby.
Inside Casa de Massacre, Kenzanni is in full out possession mode and it’s definitely from the Martha Graham oeuvre. “All spirits – GO FORTH!” she orders, and then rolls her eyes back and collapses onto the floor. Bo plays along in full “there, there” mode, and the camera pulls back and down behind them to show us Shelob the Younger creeping into Kenzanni’s open purse. Bo helps Kenzanni to her feet as she declares the dwelling has been cleansed and the realtor hands over a wad of cash. Kenzanni takes the cash and her bag along with the stowaway Shelob the Younger and she and Bo leave.
Hale and Dyson are waiting for them (yay!) and Dyson wolf whistles at the sight of Bo, which is extra hot as he’s a wolf in man’s clothing. Plus, it’s Dyson. Bo: “Ya know you don’t have to keep following me. There are these things called cell phones.” Dyson: “Hey, this is my crime scene.” Hale: “Once they go wolf…”
As Dyson and Bo grin at each other, Hale wanders over to Kenzanni, adorably calling her babushka, and asks if she’s running a gypsy con. Kenzanni insists she’s an innocent entrepreneur–who will cut him in for 5%. They smack hands on it and we go back to Bo and Dyson who are still flirting so hard, flames burst through the air. All right, fine,metaphorically, but hey, anything could happen on this show. Bo wonders again what happened at Martha’s Knitting Knifery and Dyson asks if he tells her, will she help him. Bo is stunned that he’s asking for her help. Dyson: “Relax. It’s not a marriage proposal.” YET “I already sent out the invites,” Bo quips, shoving him off her car, and they’re just so friggin’ happy to be around each other, I’m a little giddy by default. Though that could be the wine. “See you at The Dal?” he asks, grinning. Bo is all coy, “Maybe.” Yeah, we’re totally going to The Dahl.
At The Dal, Dyson updates Bo about the series of murder/suicides. Bo agrees it sounds like dark fae. Dyson tells her how Hale thinks he’s nuts. “Truth is humans sometimes just kill each other, you know?” he says, pensive. “Take away their flat screens and their minivans and they’re just still barbarians,” and by the look on his face, Dyson’s seen it firsthand. Hmmm, more back story allusion!! Yummy! Bo asks what she can do, and Dyson asks her to keep her ear to the ground, maybe check in with her dark fae contacts. “See, I told you staying unaligned would have its privileges,” she crows. Dyson warns that whatever it is, it will be big and powerful, but Bo claims the only thing left in that house was dust and cobwebs.
Enter Doctor Lauren. “Am I late or early?” she asks, and I love the fact that Bo totally forgot that she was supposed to meet Doctor Lauren for drinks. Such is the power of the wolf. For once, the air isn’t sucked out of the room at her approach, but that’s probably because Dyson is still there and he’s giving off enough heat to power California through its next energy crisis. Big bad wolf boy is not happy to see Doctor Lauren. “We have plans,” Bo explains, and Dyson wonders casually if it’s doctor/patient stuff. “Just being social,” Lauren informs him, asserting herself for a change. “We’re you leaving?” she asks, pointedly and he really doesn’t like that, but Doctor Lauren isn’t in his league - yet. “What, and miss this?” he asks, leaning back and getting very comfortable, which does not make Bo or Doctor Lauren happy. Me, I’m laughing, I won’t lie.
“Great,” Bo says, teeth gritted. “Why don’t – why don’t we all just hang out together?” like it’s movie night in the dorm common room. “Scootch over, Dyson,” she orders, visibly uncomfortable and hiding it badly. This increases Dyson’s level of amusement and you can practically hear him thinking I am going to enjoy this. He gives her a face, “I don’t scootch,” as though he’s never heard the word before, and to be fair, you don’t see many werewolves scootching these days. Bo: “Come on, you’re part wolf, ha ha,” and turning to Doctor Lauren, who’s sitting down at the other end of the couch, “I’m sure we can find him a carpet or something.” Mine! My carpet is open!! Wait – oh man, I did NOT mean it that way. (I may have meant it that way.)
Bo is trying to smooth it all over with small talk while Doctor Lauren smiles uncomfortably and Dyson doesn’t take his eyes off his succubus. “We’ve never done this before, just the three of us,” Bo observes. “Like a threesome.” “Hmmm,” Dyson hums, noncommittally, and all the hairs on my body stand upright. He totally has Bo’s number. “Not that I’ve ever thought of it that way,” stutters Bo, and the guy on the other side of the bar behind the wall knows that she has totally thought of it THAT WAY. And now, so are we, and Bo sums it up for all of us: “Wow.”
Speaking of the other side of the bar. “I love me some Bo,” Kenzi says to Hale, as they watch the entertainment their friends are providing, and I love that the camera does a seemingly uninterrupted tracking shot to pull us over to them. “But she’s got to end the juggling act.” Hale: “I just wished we had some popcorn!” Kenzi thinks being a good person means – Hale interrupts her “she’s not a person. She’s a mystical pants remover.” Ironically, that’s the fifth line on my résumé, which may explain my current day job.
Kenzi continues that it means not being oblivious to her “peeps” feelings. Hale asks Kenzi if this philosophy extends to Bo’s BFF’s jealously, and Kenzi says, “Exactly, wait, what?” Hale then goes from seriously sweet to totally douchey in one line complete with groin thrusting: “Look, you don’t have to fake it with me. I know what it’s like hanging with an alpha dog. Still, I do all right. Lots of loose hanging lovelies for the H-bomb.” Kenzi calls him officially the most disgusting man in the world and he recommends she get a sense of humor. Hale and Kenzi are so great together it should be a requirement that they have a scene together every episode.
Kenzi reaches into her bag and immediately gets bit by Shelob the Younger. Hale rummages through her bag, observing that he doesn’t wonder she hurt herself with the arsenal she carries around. He removes a knife and brass knuckles before admiring a throwing star. Kenzi, feeling weird, grabs her stuff and stalks off, telling Hale he’s given her a headache and the tracking shot fluidly takes us back to the threesome couch…
…where Doctor Lauren is baiting Dyson, saying she’s surprised to see him as he hasn’t returned her phone calls. He claims he always has time for a beer, not so much for getting poked and prodded. A barmaid comes by and leaves a tray of shots on the table before them. I like these people! This is my kind of happy hour.
Lauren teases that it’s only a physical and Dyson snaps that he hasn’t had a sick day since before she was born. Doctor Lauren points out that The Ash requires it and Dyson is all pissy, claiming that The Ash can call Dyson himself then if he wants a date. Amazingly, Bo sits quietly between them, her head swiveling back and forth like she’s watching a tennis match in which she happens to be the ball. This is totally like when your best friend and boyfriend hate each other but they endure it for your sake because they each want you to be happy. Except for all the pesky sexual tension and subtext, that is.
Doctor Lauren chides that they’re both on the same side, and Dyson gets a little nasty. “No. You’re a human who works for my side.” Bo intervenes with an awkward laugh, “I really think that we should just do all these shots,” cause that’s bound to make things better. She passes one to each of her amours and tosses her own back. Dyson lifts his in a mock toast to Doctor Lauren but she isn’t ready to give over just yet. “My work is the will of The Ash,” she brags. “Are you questioning that?”
“Are you questioning my fealty?” Dyson asks, downing his shot, and with that one question, he moves this verbal joust into a whooooooole new and, I think, potentially deadly territory. Sensing that Something Is Happening that’s about much more than just who gets to bang her, Bo defends Doctor Lauren and I have to give Doctor Lauren props as she finds her backbone. “I can speak for myself,” she insists, her gaze never leaving Dyson’s. He smirks yeah right. “When The Ash lets you,” he points out, tellingly, and finally, finally, Lauren reaches a line she is not ready to cross, not in front of Bo. Dyson, clearly, has no such boundaries or at least not when it comes to Doctor Lauren.
“Thanks,” she sighs, putting beer bottle and untouched shot back on the table, “for the, ah – fun.” Bo nods, apology all over her face, and Doctor Lauren leaves. Dyson’s narrowed gaze follows her as though he didn’t expect her to back down in the end and doesn’t know or trust what she’ll do next. Bo glares at him. “Do you always have to be – you?” Yes, and we are so very thankful for it, too.
Back at Hilton Hovel, Kenzi is watching Jungle Jeeves, a children’s program that looks like the love child of Jack Hanna and Steve Irwin. She notices a basket of clean laundry on the table with a note from Bo: “You’re turn to fold.” Enraged Kenzi flips out and with a barbaric yell, flings the basket over the back of the couch, laundry flying everywhere. Bo walks in, talking on her cell phone, asking Siegfried to let her know if he hears anything. “Yeah, I know. Sometimes humans just kill each other.”
Bo explains to Kenzi that she’s helping Dyson with a case. “So,” Kenzi wonders, “did you pick a lov-ah? Or did Doctor Freeze and Canine Crotch fight to death?”
BWAH HA HA!!!! Canine Crotch?! Dying.
Bo doesn’t get it: Dyson gave her the green light to see other people and then he gets all testy when Doctor Lauren shows up. Kenzi: “Ah, that’s because he has testes. Dudes tend to get irrationally territorial. It’s a ball thing.” Bo disappointed: “Oh. I knew it meant nothing.”
Frustrated, she determines she has to stop waiting for that guy to become emotionally available. Kenzi, again: “Don’t give up yet. His eyes say no but his inner wolf says ah-ooooooooo - yes.” Kenzi wonders about Doctor Lauren and Bo once again worries she might kill the human doctor. “I thought she fixed your hungry honeypot,” says Kenzi. Girl has allllll the good lines tonight! Bo worries it would be a hell of a test run and with someone she cares about too. Kenzi: “Poor Bo. So many choices, just one vag.”
I freaking love this show.
Cut to Kenzi’s bag where Shelob the Younger is getting frisky.
Morning and Bo is in the claw-foot tub taking a shower. Shelob the Younger scurries across the ceiling and then the shower rod as Bo and her perfect, unsmudged makeup linger under the shower spray. The music builds and crescendos and the spider leaps onto Bo’s face – or at least onto the camera lens.
Kenzi is reading the cereal box, which tells her the food she’s eating is a natural source of minerals and vitamins. “So, no Vicodin.” Her head pops up at the sound of a weird, hissing noise. “Bo?” she calls, wandering the room, and when she turns back, Bo is right behind her. “Are you going to clean up this mess?” Bo snaps. They both complain about headaches, Bo thinking she had more to drink last night than she thought. You had shots with a beer chaser, sweetie. Next time, remember to hydrate.
Kenzi shovels cereal into her mouth and wonders if Bo hears the voices that sound like whispering kids or giggling elves. “Did you bring home elves last night? I’m not judging, I just wanna know.” Bo snarls that she only hears someone who will not chew with her mouth shut and immediately apologizes, saying she really doesn’t feel well. Kenzi, of all people, suggests a trip to Doctor Lauren and though unenthused after what happened the night before, Bo takes herself to the lab.
Doctor Lauren examines her as Bo complains she feels like a level 10 harpy. The harpy lab attendant flounces away in a huff. Doctor Lauren posits that the symptoms might be due to Bo’s treatments and admits she’s always tinkering with the formula to improve the results, which would make Bo her lab rat. Bo bemoans her hormones and apologizes for the night before. “So, Dyson,” Doctor Lauren asks, “what is that?” Thousands wonder, Doc. Before Bo can answer, Kenzi rushes in and pulls Doctor Lauren aside as she lists many of the same complaints Bo just detailed. Bo frowns and the air around Kenzi and Doctor Lauren goes all wibbly wobbly timey whimey as Bo hallucinates the two women in a torrid lip-lock. Doctor Lauren decides that the cause must be environmental as they are both displaying the same symptoms and Bo snaps that maybe it’s the food encrusted dishes lying about and stalks off to do some work on Dyson’s case.
Dyson is playing connect the dots with the victims; they’re all linked even if only tenuously. Bo comes in, agitated and itching, and passes off the few leads she was able to drum up. She then asks Dyson to do a background check on Kenzi and hallucinates Dyson suggesting that she just kill Kenzi when in fact, he’s wondering when she stopped trusting her best friend. She splits and Hale calls Dyson over to show him the evidence from the first murder/suicides – a shirt covered in spider webs.
Cut to Doctor Lauren examining the web under her scope while Dyson hovers nearby. The webbing is 800 times as strong as silk and extremely intricate, so definitely fae. She uses the opportunity to maneuver Dyson into taking his physical and doesn’t even get his shirt off! I call shenanigans!
During the disturbingly clothed physical, she observes that the human cops have him in therapy and when she pushes as to why, Dyson claims it’s personal. Doctor Lauren asserts that’s nothing’s personal for The Ash. Dyson: “Ah, so you’re his doctor and his narc. Good to know.” She has him unbutton his shirt (not enough!) and while she listens to his heart, mentions that Bo told her Dyson has been feeling tired. He’s clearly surprised Bo revealed something so personal and Doctor Lauren smarms that they’re close. He admits his fatigue is actually Bo’s fault (as we deliciously know) and when Doctor Lauren wonders why he calls her bluff “Well, if you’re so close, then just ask her.” It’s her turn to look like she swallowed a lemon and she ends the physical quickly, as it was only an excuse to get him on her turf in the first place. “Good talk, Doc,” Dyson says flippantly, knowing he’s made his point, and I think, fondly of course, you’re such a shit, Dyson, quickly followed by but you had that coming, Doc.
Bo enters Hilton Hovel, itching and scratching and calling for Kenzi who sprouts out from nowhere to pull Bo behind the couch. “Get over here. My God you’re so aggravating.” OK, now they sound like sisters. Kenzi explains that she almost had her face ripped off by Shelob the Younger and they slowly make their way down to the basement where it’s hiding.
Doctor Lauren calls the cop shop and tells Dyson that the web sample is from a djieien, aka Shelob the Younger, a dark nomadic underfae whose venom creates paranoia, hallucinations, and uncontrollable rage in its victims until someone is killed and the dijieien can feed off the resultant psychic energy. Under the picture on Doctor Lauren’s computer screen is a red security alert. She details the symptoms and Dyson immediately pings on the fact that Bo exhibited all of them. I like that both Dyson and Doctor Lauren are very good at their respective jobs and don’t hesitate to support one another professionally, no matter their personal cross-purposes and desires. It’s a good character note for both of them.
They disconnect and an Amazonian black woman walks into the lab. “You pushed the alarm?” she asks Doctor Lauren. “We have a situation,” Doctor Lauren admits. Wait, so that “security alert” was because Doctor Lauren ran up the red flag before touching base with Dyson, basically doing an end run around him?! Bitch. I retract my previous character note.
At Hilton Hovel, Bo and Kenzi are creeping into the basement, bickering all the way. Cobwebs are everywhere. Freaked out, they break and run to the front door, only to find it bricked up. “We’re trapped,” Bo exclaims. “At least we’re together,” Kenzi offers tentatively and they agree that together they’ll be fine, both clearly expecting the other to go batcrap murderous crazy. The camera pulls back to show that the door is ajar and completely open, not bricked anywhere. Shelob the Younger has them totally tied up in her-well-web.
They rush back into the hovel, talking over each other until Bo exclaims “do not go all full Russian on me. Don’t panic!” “Why?!” Kenzi asks. “I don’t know. It’s just something people say!” Bo answers. They start to bicker again about the food and the laundry and devolve to Kenzi’s issues with Bo succubus activities. Behind them, Jungle Jeeves is on the screen and Kenzi start hallucinating that he’s giving her instructions to strike at Bo before Bo does her in. Bo: “Kenzi! We are trapped in this tomb by a giant freakin’ spider. Do you think you can tape this?!”
Enter Hale cautiously breeching the threshold as he reassures Dyson on the cell phone. “Relax man. Talking some girls out of their comfort zone is my calling.” Kenzi jumps out at him, Samurai sword in hand. Hale: “Take deep lady breaths, that’s a cute sword. Have you seen any raunchy spiders around here?” Believing him to be in on the whole spider thing, Bo whacks him across the head with the dirty frying pan and he goes down. Bo, pointing to the pan, “Still dirty!” Snort.
Kenzi is binding an unconscious Hale to a chair with plastic wrap. Bo snaps that Kenzi is wearing her vest and they’re off bickering again. Bo: “I’m so ANGRY with you!” Kenzi: “If we were in prison, I would totally give you a shiv.” Bo realizes that she’s off-the-charts enraged and that it makes no sense. She works her way around and through what most annoys her about Kenzi and comes to the conclusion that she’s sick and needs to feed. Kenzi freaks out and runs off, so Bo turns to the next available thing: Hale. She cradles his head, breathing him in and licks up the side of his face before straddling him and starting to feed and it is exactly as creepy as it sounds. Hale rouses slightly: “You taste like apricots,” and goes right back under. Her head now clear, Bo dashes off to get help, only this time when she opens the front door, a plastic quarantine barrier blocks her way along with the armed Amazon and her crew.
Dyson arrives as Hilton Hovel and greets Serena the Amazon who makes it clear that they have A Past. She explains she’s now The Ash’s new head of security and has been tasked with the quarantine and the dijieien’s extermination – along with all of the infected. Dyson realizes Doctor Lauren called for the quarantine. He begs Serena for more time and she gives him two hours. After he leaves, she informs her flunky that Dyson will never make it.
Bo calls Dyson and downloads him on being bitten and healing herself. He worries that she used Kenzi. She admits that she fed off Hale. Dyson, haltingly: “Fed, how, exactly, from Hale?” I find it telling that while he’s concerned and I think a little amused, there’s none of the “don’t touch my woman” vibe he gets around Doctor Lauren. Possibly because Hale will never be a threat in this area. Bo snaps that he needs to focus and that Hale is perfectly fine.
Cut to Hale, still dazed and confused and Saran Wrapped to the chair. As he comes to, he sees Shelob the Younger crawling toward him. “Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo – get off my shoe!” The spider climbs his leg and bites him.
Bo tells Dyson they won’t let her leave, and he reveals that he’s right outside and he’s working on it. Bo: “See, that is why you are my favorite stalker!” Dyson tells Bo to protect Hale and Kenzi and kill the spider.
Dyson slams into The Dal where Doctor Lauren and Trick are pouring over ancient books. He yells at Doctor Lauren for calling in The Ash’s hit squad. In defense, Doctor Lauren details the horrors the spider has committed in the past. Dyson accuses her of not even giving Bo a chance and Trick injects that Doctor Lauren did the right thing. Dyson: “Bullshit!” To be fair, Doctor Lauren looks like she knows she screwed up royally and that’s without admitting she really alerted Serena to get one over on Dyson. He tells them he bought another two hours before Bo’s place gets burned down. “So you tell me. How do we bear this thing?” Trick: “We don’t know.”
Here’s the base-line difference between Dyson and Doctor Lauren that makes Dyson the right choice for Bo; he will always chose Bo. Recklessly, wrongly, she comes first even if he doesn’t quite get that yet. Doctor Lauren will not. When push comes to shove, she’s clinical before she’s emotional. She will always do the “right” thing, even when it’s clearly not the right thing.
Bo hunts and corners Shelob the Younger in the basement and splits her in two with a shovel, only to watch the spider magically rebound its two halves. Bo swears she can keep the killing up all night, which is about the time Kenzi locks the basement door on her.
Back at The Dal, Trick discovers that the djieien is so crafty it buries its heart and can’t be destroy so long as the heart lives. Dyson pulls out Bo’s list of leads Trick pings on one of the names as a man who imports nasty underfaes on the black market. Dyson asks if he’s in the book. “He’s in my book,” Trick asserts, pulling out his personal mystical yellow pages. Doctor Lauren looks very interested to see it. Narc indeed. She insists on going with Dyson to pick up the black market guy, answering his “bitch please” look with the fact that she can identify the heart for him. Dyson: “This day just keeps getting better and better.”
Upstairs, unaware that he too has been bitten, Kenzi is releasing Hale, her batcrap crazy logic reasoning that he must know a secret way out. “You take me with you, I’ll let you live.” In the background, Bo is calling through the door, trying to reassure Kenzi. As Kenzi picks up her bat, Hale assures her he’s on her side and directs her upstairs to the “secret way out” but he picks up Bo’s ax when Kenzi isn’t looking.
Up in Bo’s bedroom, Hale starts sniggering as he wonders whether he can whistle loud enough to make Kenzi’s head explode. For once we’ve got a sidekick who isn’t TSTL as Kenzi uses said noggin’ to save herself, turning on the vacuum (that amusingly, has a Post-it note with instructions from Bo stuck to it), the hairdryer, anything that can make noise and block Hale’s siren call. No super ninja tricks, no free form magicks. Just common sense and courage and more than her fair share of the crazy. Love it.
Dyson and Doctor Lauren drag the dealer into the bar, who is protesting that his pet spider Shelob the Younger always comes back when she’s had her fill of murder and mayhem. “She’s a sweet girl, she just gets moody.” Doctor Lauren: “Yeah, moody like Jeffrey Dahmer.” Dyson wonders if Trick has something to shut the guy up, and Trick blows some fairy dust into the guy’s face. Doctor Lauren asks if the dazed Pep Shop Boy he knows where the heart is just as Trick realizes he translated wrong and the spider actually implants the heart rather than buries it. Doctor Lauren listens to Pet Shop Boy’s chest, identifying two heartbeats, and the guy isn’t even from Gallifrey. Trick is stunned: “He who lies in the mud rises from it.” Doctor Lauren: “Less Gaelic wisdom, more looking for makeshift surgical tools.” Come on, Doctor Lauren. Don’t make me like you now. Trick dumps a tray of dull flatware on the bar.
Hale is breaking into Bo’s bedroom chasing Kenzi. As he bursts through the door, Bo brains him again with the fry pan. “Twice in one day. He’ll be lucky if he remembers the alphabet.” Kenzi, panting, picks up Hale’s gun and aims it at Bo, offering her a ten second head start.
Serena calls Dyson and insists that they have to kill the parasite now. Dyson shouts that it won’t work, that they need more time to find the heart. Serena isn’t interested. She has her goons get out the gasoline to douse Hilton Hovel as her palms light up in flames. Handy.
At The Dal, Doctor Lauren is poking at Pet Shop Boy while Dyson and Trick try to come up with a way to mystically kill the heart. “It’s here,” Doctor Lauren says casually, and she is in full doctor mode, totally in tune with the body before her. She gloves up while Trick looks on a little in awe and more than a little freaked out by her.
Bo runs through Hilton Hovel trying to shake Kenzi, saying she really doesn’t want to hurt Kenzi anymore. “Oh, but I really want to hurt you,” Kenzi says and pulls the trigger. “Are you shitting me?” Bo asks, ducking.
Doctor Lauren surgically plunges a steak knife into Pet Shop Boy with a really gross sucking sound. Trick raises a wary brow: “Or we could do it that way.” Doctor Lauren reaches in and pulls out the walnut of a heart, studying it with what can only be called awe. “What an ingenious creature,” she murmurs, totally wigging me out.
“Sorry Bo,” Kenzi says, and ya know, Idoubt her sincerity here. “I’m about to make another big fat mess.” She aims the gun again just as Bo whips up the sword and holds it to Kenzi’s neck.
Lauren comes out of her dazed admiration of the heart and reaches for the knife. “Kill it, Lauren,” Dyson orders, for once in total accord with her. “Kill it!” and Doctor Lauren plunges the knife into the heart.
At Hilton Hovel, the spider and Kenzi gasp simultaneously and as the spider dies, Kenzi comes back to herself, horrified by how close she came to killing Bo. They hug it out and then turn on Shelob the Younger. “Should we show it mercy?” Kenzi asks. “Mercy this,” Bo answers and squashes it.
Outside, Serena and her hot pockets are striding for Hilton Hovel when her flunky’s phone rings. “Call off the cleansing,” Doctor Lauren orders while Dyson looks on. “In The Ash’s name, it’s done.” Dyson frowns, uneasy at her show of power. It’s clear their short-lived truce is over.
Back at the lab, Bo, Kenzi, and Hale are getting debriefed and debugged. With the spider dead, the venom in their system dissipates, Doctor Lauren explains, and goes into more medical babble before realizing Bo’s eyes have glazed over. Bo says that what matters is Doctor Lauren saved them, and that she’s getting pretty good at that. Note that Doctor Lauren doesn’t share the fact that she lit the fire in the first place by alerting security. Bo offers to take her for that drink they missed and it’s clear that Doctor Lauren is mightily pleased.
On the other side of the room, Hale apologizes to Kenzi for trying to make her head go boom. He also begs her not to tell Dyson about Hale kissing Bo. “Dude,” she points out. “You were unconscious.” Hale: “Dude turns into a wolf.” Kenzi: “Good point.” As Bo joins them, Hale whistles aimlessly. Bo and Kenzi together: “Don’t do that!”
Speaking of the wolf. Dyson arrives in the lab and oddly enough, ambles over to Doctor Lauren. He observes that she was prepared to kill Pet Shop Boy if necessary. She tosses it off as triage. Dyson admits that whatever she wants to call it, he didn’t think she had it in her. Doctor Lauren observes that he doesn’t think too much of her and he accuses her of inconsistency, first calling the strike on Bo and then nearly killing a guy to save her and he doesn’t trust Doctor Lauren’s motives. She wonders smugly if it’s really her loyalties that concern him or that fact that this time she was Bo’s hero. “You’re the one that almost got her killed,” he points out. Exactly. She watches him walk away. For a second, her face shows what she really thinks of him, and brother, I would not turn my back on that woman. Her gaze falls on Bo, who is looking between her two amours, and an smile of satisfaction settles on Doctor Lauren’s face. Bo smiles faintly, as though she knows Something Just Happen but isn’t sure what to do about it.
Home at Hilton Hovel, Kenzi sorts laundry and laments the fact that she wanted to pull the trigger. Bo admits that if not for healing herself, she was ready to dissect Kenzi like a frog. “For the record,” Kenzi says, “whatever you do in your entirely personal romantic life, I got you.” And that, finally, is a true sister.
Dyson knocks on the door jam and presents Kenzi with pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. “You are a god in wolf clothing!” We know! He and Bo smile, once again jonesing on being around one another. Bo invites him to sit a spell. He’s amused and adorable “a spell? Well I would love to, milady,” but admits he has to go debrief with The Ash. “How very Lauren of you,” Bo snarks. Preach it, sister.
Dyson takes the opportunity to warn Bo about Doctor Lauren. “She’s just too close to The Ash. You’re too close to her. It worries me.” Bo says she doesn’t get him. He says they’re not exclusive and he wants to see other people… Dyson says it’s not about that. He doesn’t trust Doctor Lauren. Bo asserts that she does and if there’s one thing she’s sure of about Doctor Lauren it’s that she cares. Is he willing to say the same?
Nope. Definitely not ready for that. “Fine,” he snits, boxer briefs in a bunch (you know he wears them, if he wears them.) “You’ve made your decision. Next time you need to heal, you call Lauren.”
“Nice talk,” Bo calls after him. Kenzi wonders if they’re pissed at Dyson again and whether he’s trying to buy them off with pizza. Bo, smiling, relieved to have her sister back, implores Kenzi to never ever change. “Honey,” Kenzi promises, “I couldn’t if I tried.”
New Fae Terms:
djieien: n. Nomadic spider that injects its victims with venom that causes hallucinations, paranoia and aggression. It buries its heart to protect itself, so it can’t be killed face-to-face though is seriously not picky as to where it buries said heart
Origin: Native American
cleansing: v. a burning of an infected area to include poison and victims alike that follows the quarantine of the area.
Best Lines of the Episode:
Hale: She’s not a person. She’s a mystical pants remover.
Kenzi: I thought she fixed your hungry honeypot.
Kenzi: Poor Bo. So many choices, just one vag.
Kenzi: “Did you bring home elves last night? I’m not judging, I just wanna know.
Bo: “When my hormones flare up I usually go horny not horrid.
Kenzi: My head is pounding harder than a sailor on shore leave.
Dyson: This case is making me nuts.
Hale: Speaking of your nuts – succubus, ten o’clock.
Kenzi: I’ve seen this movie. The funny friend winds up with the hokey skate in the jugular every time!
Bo: Kenzi, I’m sick. I need to feed.
Kenzi: Can I offer you a pastry?
Hale: Freaky bitch bit me.
Bo: That is why you are my favorite stalker!
Kenzi to Hale: You’re lucky (Bo) didn’t Hannibal Lector your lips off.
Dyson: Great. He’s spider whipped.
Kenzi: Nobody kills my best friend except for me.
Next Week: Vexed
Kiersten Hallie Krum writes smart, sharp & sexy romantic suspense. Find her snarking her way across social media as @kierstenkrum and on her web site and blog at www.kierstenkrum.com.