Romance readers generally know what they want in a hero. Me, I know what I don’t want. What I really, really don’t want. Most of them involve personal hygiene—you know, the kind that gets glossed over in medieval romances, and never gets mentioned in contemporaries unless the author is going for humor. (Though I confess I would be fascinated to read a romance novel in which the hero did have some of these issues, and the story involved how he and the heroine dealt with them…but that might be too much like real life. The title could be, Anti-Perspirant Means Love. And if you write it, please don’t send it to me.)
You might have gathered by now that I’m not being entirely serious in this post. I have, however, worked seriously hard to uncover the real reasons why these five sins should not appear as part of a romance hero’s list of characteristics. I did research, and everything.
Okay. I lied. I did not do any research for this post. On to the Top 5 Don’ts!
Smoking
“He smelled of cigarettes, cigarettes, and a mélange of cigarettes that was distinctly his own.” Okay, so I’m not a smoker, and can’t appreciate cigarette smoke properly, I admit it. As a non-smoker, I find the scent unpleasant, so I don’t want to imagine a romance hero whose body…and clothes…and car…and house…all smell like stale smoke. I want the hero to be hot, but not because he’s accidentally set his clothes on fire after hot lovin’ made him fall asleep with a lit rollup.
Chewing with Mouth Open
There is seafood, then there is “see food.” There is a romantic way to share your food with a woman. Then there is the not-romantic way. Not to mention that, if he’s always chewing with his mouth open, the heroine can be sure he will never hear the subtleties of her brilliant conversation, and he loves her for her mind, right? A hero who chews with his mouth open—well, I for one will constantly be hearing his smacking and swallowing while reading any scene including food…Not those eating scenes! The other ones!
Smelly Feet
Dude. You’re in a romance novel. Get some fungicide before you head over to the heroine’s house. Or even one of those scrubby things that stick to the floor of your shower, you’ve probably seen the ad when you stayed up late to watch that fourteen-inning ballgame. I mean, I am happy you take your Hero-ing seriously enough that you work out twice a day, but, dude, get some flipflops for the showers. You can steal a free pair from the spa where you went to get manscaped.
Smelly Pits
Yes, yes, it’s a manly scent. You’ve been doing manly things, in a manly way, and manly things made you sweat manly sweat. But heroines appreciate it when you swipe a wet washcloth under your arms every now and again. Just, you know, so there aren’t any creatures there. She’s not looking for a relationship with that many participants. That’s another book.
Won’t Buy Tampons
Okay, I get it that some men are embarrassed by female hygiene. But my view is, if he’s going to be getting down there on a regular basis, he’s got to love it at all stages. And love you enough not to make you go out in a blizzard when you’ve got cramps. And be macho enough to slap those tampons on the counter and pay for them with his own hard-earned cash, because a romance hero should be a Provider, and buying tampons, well, that’s providing. If it makes him feel better, he can get into a fight about it with some other guy who’s out in a blizzard to go to the drugstore. It’s not quite like feeding you the corn he grew himself out on the Back 40, but surely it’s a modern equivalent. Ahem.
What are your heroic “don’ts"?
No smoking sign image courtesy of Wonderlane via Flickr
Victoria Janssen is the author of three novels and numerous short stories. Her novel The Moonlight Mistress is set during World War I, and she has a terrifying love of research about that period. Follow her on Twitter:@victoriajanssen or find out more at victoriajanssen.com.
