Tue
Jan 10 2012 1:00pm

You Want Me To Put That WHERE?: Heroes and Their Large Penises

“My, sir, your penis is, umm...HUGE.”

If you’re on Twitter with any regularity, you know fellow readers are always tweeting lines from books you wouldn’t ordinarily read or have a clue about. That happened to me a few days ago; my friend Mandi Schreiner happened to tweet about a book she was reading, and I have to confess my legs immediately went into lockdown mode.

Mandi was reading Assume the Position by T.C. Lee, an erotica about a cop with a super peen. You’re all going, “Which erotica character doesn’t have a huge peen?,” but let me explain. Officer Alex Shaw has a bit of a problem, he’s never “fully” been inside of a woman; his penis is just THAT big.

“I have a large cock which some would think is a blessing, not me”

He’s so big that the first woman he had sex with he tore apart, and she required stitches.  Add to the fact Alex likes it rough, and we have a recipe for disaster. Mandi tweeted lines from the book that had me scared, like really, really scared. But then it got me thinking, WHY? Is bigger really better in books?

I’m not a big reader of erotica, but after chatting with some fellow bloggers and authors they explained to me this isn’t a first in terms of big peen. I am afraid for the heroine in this novel, and I also don’t find the “super peen” attractive at all. Anything that causes me pain isn’t sexy to me. But just because I don’t find it sexy doesn’t mean it isn’t to some.

Huge peens are not realistic in my world, not that they don’t exist, I’d just rather they didn’t. It sort of reminds me of Cinderella, behind door A:  if the shoe fits, you’re the princess, behind Door B: if the giant penis fits you are his woman. How about I take Door A. thank you very much.

I polled my friends on Twitter for books with heroes and huge penises (after I blushed from embarrassment). Examples include Micah from Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series—he has dong issues as in, “woe is me and my huge penis.”  There is another character who sports a six-inch WIDE penis that is also a foot long. Ouch!

In Passion by Lisa Valdez, the hero’s penis battles with the heroine’s cervix for supremacy. Pride Mates by Jennifer Ashley features a character with an eleven-inch penis, and keep in mind the average is between five and seven inches. Then we have Nicholas by Elizabeth Amber, the hero not only has one giant penis he has two! *crosses legs tighter*

But the overwhelming statement was “What hero DOESN’T?” Most heroes aren’t the everyday man; they are heroes who are visually stunning and appealing—hello fantasy! So it’s a given they have the perfect penis. I don’t have a problem with that at all, but the overly large, rip-and-stitch idea freaks me the hell out.

Another thing that bothers me about the super peen is that the woman on the receiving end is usually a virgin, yet she shows no strain the following day. Let’s be honest, most of us would end up in the ER in traction. Am I alone here? Can someone explain to me why they find the super peen attractive?

Now excuse me, my legs have been so tightly crossed I am losing circulation.


 

Natasha Carty reviews Paranormal Romance and Urban Fantasy on her website Wicked Little Pixie and lives in Toronto, Canada, with her cat, Seamus.

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85 comments
Renee Vincent
1. Renee Vincent
I got a huge (no pun intended) kick out of this post, primarily from the title (and of course, which drew me into this discussion in the first place - the twitter line). Thanks for brightening my day.
Renee Vincent
3. Ren Puspita
Aww, sure you want to read Nicholas? Believe me, the story not sexy at all, the hero so cruel, he force his pregnant wife to have sex with him, then beside two peen, he also has a barb thing like heroes at Breed series!!
Don't forget a weird story too, LOL!
Renee Vincent
5. Buddah Moskowitz
Thanks for a fun and refreshing point of view.
Renee Vincent
6. SarannaDeWylde
*cackles hysterically* Yes, I feel your pain. ;)
Renee Vincent
7. krisgils33
You are too funny! I like it better when the book describes the man's attributes in an obscure way, because it does get old fast if every guy out there in fantasyland is ginormous.
Renee Vincent
8. Wookiesgirl
Great post! Made me giggle. I think a little above average is a nice treat, but scary big? Um no. In paranormal, for example the Breeds series by Lora Leigh, the far above average wolf breeds also have some stuff that, well... Prepares the woman, his mate. I won't give more detail, but it works. Bottom line though, romance is fantasy and woman like the fantasy of the 'well endowed.' I think it still works when it's kept in the realm of possible though. ;)
Natasha Carty
9. WickedLilPixie
@Buddah - You are most welcome
@Saranna - Pain being the KEY word my friend.
@Krisgils33 - I'm so with you, as long as it's not green in color!
@Wookiesgirl - I like the realm of possibility not the "omg that poor woman" ;)
Shiloh Walker
10. shiloh_walker
LOL... I don't particularly find the super peen attractive. I've birthed three babies. Had stitches, too. I know those bits stretch, but I'd rather not have them stretching like THAT.

It's supposed to be pleasureable...not requiring icing down and motrin the next day.

Putting a little fantasy in there is fine, but there's a difference between a little...and hospital/traction/stitches.
Renee Vincent
11. Marguerite Kaye
So funny. I saw the title of this on Twitter and just had to read. The only real life story I ever heard on the subject brought up (sorry, no pun intended) the issue because the poor man involved passed out every time he got excited - yep, he was so big he didn't have enough blood to inflate and keep him breathing. So IMHO, big is really not so good for either. Thank you for making me laugh.
Renee Vincent
12. Seleste deLaney
I'm a fan of above average too. The guys who require extra large condoms (or worse)? Reserve my spot on Team Average, thanks.

As for fantasy, I like the idea of the hero fitting the heroine really well. Whether that means immediate fits-like-a-glove or her stretching a bit to accomodate or something, I don't care, but that idea makes me tingly-happy.

Though I'm not sure if faced with having to choose between the super-peen or an itty-bitty-my-thumb-is-bigger peen for life which way I'd go. I'd probably have to know who was more skilled LOL
Renee Vincent
13. Amanda Bonilla
Loved this post! Definitely made me giggle.
Marquetta Whitmore
14. lovetoreadforfun
A monster peen is so not sexy. I read Passion. I cringed, crossed my legs and crossed my legs again when the hero was battling for position with the heroines cervix. So not sexy!
Natasha Carty
15. WickedLilPixie
@Shi - AMEN! This is why I love you lol
@Marguerite - OMG seriously? So trying not to laugh but damn. LOL
@Sel - That reminds me of high school boys buying the magnum condom, cause you know they had to pretend it was THAT big.
@Amanda - Tee Hee, I try.
Natasha Carty
16. WickedLilPixie
@Mar - When Mandi was tweeting, my legs totally stayed crossed!
Renee Vincent
17. MamaKitty
I once dated a guy who was 12" (yes, we measured - how could I not??) and it hurt every. single. time. We parted ways after about a year together and I never did get used to it, although I can't say there weren't fun times to be had, but I will say that you can leave my name on Team Average's roster for ever and ever.

I don't get the obsession with having the hero in a book be super huge. It's not sexy to be split open every time you have sex. It hurts. A lot. And don't even get me started on the virgins who have no pain, get off three or four times, and don't walk funny the next day. Ugh.
Pamela Webb-Elliott
18. Spaz
Stillllll giggling. That TC Lee book sounds off the chains!! The quotes alone are awfully hilarious. We all can agree we "don't want no short weenied man" (boom! I worked that song in) but the gargantuan roaring beast peen ripping vaginas open belongs in horror, not romance. I learned of that Lisa Valdez book while at AAD in Philly and I'm STILL blushing :P That ish just ain't right!!
Renee Vincent
19. Sierra Dean
Nat, I feel your "pain" in this post. Ginormous man-members are not my idea of sexy. Team Average! Or Team-Good-With-His-Tongue! *blush*

While we're at it... the use of the word "impale" to describe a heroine lowering herself onto a hero's member, regardless of size/girth, just sounds painful. Impale? seriously? No thanks.
Renee Vincent
20. yes
Oh man, I love an unnaturally large romance hero peen! Bring it on!

Forget realism--I've had my cervix battered too. I still want the hero to have a massive schlong in my fantasy world.
Renee Vincent
21. Isabel C.
Oh, man. I've never read anything where the numbers were exact, which is good, because...I like 'em average-to-big, but *too* big and I keep thinking of John Holmes, and how his c0-stars said he never got fully...charged. Like, there were loofah comparisons. (I, er, watched a lot of VH1 once upon a time. Also those E! True Hollywood Stories. )

"Sizeable" is good. "The size of my forearm"...not so much, maybe?
Natasha Carty
22. WickedLilPixie
@Mama - you are a braver woman that I.
@Pam - Did you read it Pam??
@Sierra - I HATE the word impale! HATE! It's not meant to imale me damnit, why would I want anything to impale me. OMG that needs to be in a new squick words post!
@Yes - Ack! All the power to you though.
@Isabel - If it's the size of my forearm, I'm running.
Renee Vincent
23. Inez Kelley
In the BDB, Ward once described Wrath's doodad as "Wide as his fist". Seeing as he is 6 feet nine inches tall, he has to huge hands. My mind went to REALLY painful places with that one.
Renee Vincent
24. Michele Bardsley
Heh! Romance novels are fantasy, and so are those big peens. Of course, I don't make it an issue. It's more like, "Wow, that's awesome." And it always fits juuuuuuust right. :-) I don't think it's cool to contemplate surgery options after sex, either.
Renee Vincent
25. Samantha Kane
I had my editor tell me many books ago that every hero didn't have to be HUGE. In a recent book my virgin-on-her-wedding-night heroine noted that, while she didn't have enough experience to make a knowledgable comparison, it seemed just the right size to get the job done. lol I thought that would leave it up to the reader to imagine whatever they wished. :-) But it seems that if the size of the hero's penis is a major part of the conflict (o_O) then a huge peen probably provides more fodder than a small one for an erotic story.
Renee Vincent
26. Matamich
Saying bigger is better refers to 7, maybe 8 inches in my opinion. Anything longer than that won't even FIT inside the average woman. Those freakishly wide ones just look silly. They remind me of Jaba the Hut.
Renee Vincent
27. jaymzangel
This totally wins for best blog post title of 2012, cracked me up! As for the monster peen, I don't mind books that have heroes with big ones (honestly, try to find a book without one.) That being said, I've never been a fan of the cervix piercing peen. It tends to have me clenching my thighs together & curling into the fetal position, rather than curling my toes in ecstacy. Give me an average/above average guy who knows how to use it & I'm a happy girl ;)
Natasha Carty
28. WickedLilPixie
@Inez - One of the BDB boys Rehv has a barb'd one ;)
@Michele - You're stalking me! I'm visual, so when I read something like that my brain automatically trys to figure out how the hell it works.
@Samantha - I'd rather imagine it myself, then know it could hurt lol
@Mich - ROTFLMAO who would have figured all these years later we'd be discussing penis size?
Natasha Carty
29. WickedLilPixie
@Jaymzangel - LOL thank you. Just the thought of the cervix battler gives me the skeeves.
Louise Partain
30. Louise321
@matamich LOL

I am remembering a regency book I read by Celeste Bradley, not one of my favorites. I just looked it up and the title is To Love a Wicked Spy. Anyway the hero has such a big one that he has never uh 'finished his course' and then he marries and the troubles begin. He will not harm his wife by consummating. That leads to a fiasco involving a visit to a madame, some Indian stretching dildos because some rajah had an (excuse me) inflated idea of his magnificence, and massive amounts of cream. So it seems at least one author thought about what might actually happen to a couple faced with such bounty.

I am a fan of enough to make the heroine all tingly inside. And a lot of that is foreplay. I read a book by Lisa Kleypas recently called Smooth Talking Stranger. The heroine is a newspaper columnist who writes to lovers who have problems. She answered the how large problem by saying that most of the sensory nerves are in the outer 1/3 of the vagina. The inner ring -- not so much.

So you see, boys and girls, the issue isn't what the size is, it's what you do with it. Does anyone need an instruction manual?
Renee Vincent
31. MsGodiva1
Yes, this is definitely on the Best Post of 2012 and will NOT get knocked off.
After the following extremes, I too prefer the Team Average roster. Admittedly, the high end of average combined with a solid skill set is bliss on sheets of paper or silk. Like the guy who was an awkward, pimply dork in High School, the hero who then puts the time into learn skills in dressing, conversation, paying attention, and not being a conceited ass all seem to carry over to naked time...determined to rock your world, not assuming your grateful he's bothering to drop trou and share his magnificence.

Extreme #1 - virginity went to a guy so small I had to ask if we were doing it. Mortifying for me. At least he had the illusion as a virgin I wouldn't know anything about sizing. (wrong) Add in being a sprinter. We're done?! You know those gatherings of gals & margs or cosmos and horror stories are being swapped - worst date, worst blind date, worst kiss, worst encounter, worst first time? Yeah. I get the razzie for virginity. Every. Time.

Extreme #2 - married a cervix bumper. (Perhaps over compensating for that razzie?) Even after that first encounter of "you want to put that where?! Nevermind in, near seems painfully close!" Not the top reason for the divorce, but definitely on the list. There can be too much of a good thing for many positions.

Impaled is a complete squick. It belongs to the original Vlad Tepesh and needs to go back to being a historic foot note! Another squick is from LKH's heroine liking to go down on a vamp who hasn't fed so can't come to attention, and take in the boys too...which has the mental image of stuffing three oversized raw oysters in your mouth. Mood Killer.

@Louise321 - laughed so hard when I read that part of "Smooth Talking Stranger" because of my 1st extreme experience. It really put into perspective how small aand unskilled critter I had dealt with!
Jessica O'Brien
32. JLOBrien
This is just hilarious. I think the thing that gets me everytime is the
reaction when it comes out fully loaded and ready to go. They describe
the women going wide eyed...or salivating. Salivating? Really? It's not
cheesecake!



I am all for team Average. I would like recovery period to be minimal
and being "impaled" seems like it would require some downtime after
delivery :)
Renee Vincent
33. Nicole the weaver
And my mind just went to cheesecake-flavored peens. If I invented those, I'd make millions.
Eva / TXBookjunkie
34. TXBookjunkie
I'd always been confused about why the heroine wanted to get it on with a guy carrying a baseball bat under his boxers. I'm glad I'm not the only one horrified by the thought of anything that long or wide getting anywhere near my orifices.

Thanks for the laughs.
Natasha Carty
35. WickedLilPixie
@Louise - LMFAO thanks for the bio lesson ;)
@MsGodiva - YES! Any time I see impaled I think Vlad and all sexy goes right out the window. And thank you for the compliment!
@JLOBrien - I only salivate when food is involved ;)
@Nicole - ME TOO and then I salivated heh
@TXBookJunkie - Anytime, have fun tonight with Lothaire :)
Renee Vincent
36. SOTO_CALIGRL02
Thanks for writing this, I always wondered what other thought about the big peen. Im happy to say I have yet to come across a book that has made me cross my legs and wince, i say as long as "the motion in the ocean" is great i dont care to read how HUGE it is. And please! a virgin who can barely feel discomfort in the first few strokes?? LIES! i dont mind reading how she wakes up soar and walks with a limp ;) makes the story be more real.
Renee Vincent
37. Isacat
Great post. Couldn't stop laughing.
Have you read Linda Howard's Dream Man?
I can't tell you the exact words cause I've read it in spanish but the heroine says something like "anything above 20cm (7.9 inches) it's just for show" and I agree. I love that scene of the book, it's at the end of the second chapter.
Renee Vincent
38. squirreling dervish
peen...


LOL

love it
Natasha Carty
39. WickedLilPixie
@Soto - AMEN! 4 times on your virgin breaking night and you aren't sore? COME ON!
@Isacat - I haven't but 20cm scares me LOL
@Squirreling - LOL peen to you too.
Renee Vincent
40. DDay
I found this quote...
"God, in His infinite wisdom, has given man both a brain and a penis, but, unfortunately, not enough blood to supply both." In this case, perhaps the super peen may cause spontaneous blackouts. Ever thought of that?
Natasha Carty
41. WickedLilPixie
@DDay - ROTFLMAO!!! Someone was telling me there really IS a guy that has had blackouts because his penis is so large.
Julie Askins
42. Julie Brook
And then there's Loretta Chase's "Lord of Scoundrels". Who could ever forget Dain's worrying about being too big for Jessica? What a wonderful scene - that will always be my favorite deflowering (and one of my favorite romances).
Dolly Sickles
43. Dolly_Sickles
What a great conversation. @Samantha Kane, good thought on the smaller penis actually generating more thinking in erotica ... Though I'm a Team Average practitioner, I am also a very visual person and would like to see the dude who passes out. Seriously, it would be like another person hanging off of him--like Kuato in Total Recall. A more pleasant Kuato, but still.
K Giardina
44. bluedragon30
ROTFL! Thank you for the best blog and title for the year...and for making my boss look at me funny for uninterrupted giggles at my desk. :)
Renee Vincent
45. VanessaB
I laughed out loud. This was a great article. Of course, I'm also going off to read Assume the Position. LOL
Natasha Carty
46. WickedLilPixie
@Julie - Never read it sadly
@Dolly - Me too on the pass out guy!
@BlueDragon - LOL you are most welcome, don't get fired now ;)
@Vanessa - Thank you and DITTO!
Renee Vincent
47. Rhapsody
I have to agree with soto_caligirl02 and yes, I read for the fantasy (and I admit, the hotness) and I love the big peens. I wouldn't want to have to manage in real life, but since it's just fantasy I say bring it.
To Samantha Kane, I just discovered the "Brothers in Arms" series and I'm hooked!!! My new favorite author , thanks for the enjoyment.
Louise Partain
48. Louise321
@wickedlilpixie if you haven't read Lord of Scoundrels you totally have missed out on an hilarious mating dance between two of the most endearingly screwball historical romance characters on record. Loretta Chase at the top of her game. Get thee to your favorite ereader store. You will not be sorry.
Renee Vincent
49. Melissa from Clearwater
This is the best blog for 2012!! It had me laughing and I sent the link home so I could share it with my husband. We both had a great time laughing.

I am Team Average and its all about the skills!
Lindsay Beeson
50. lindsayb
This post was too funny! Count me Team Average as well. I've noticed a lot of romance books describing the peen as too big for the heroine to put her hand around. I would not want a penis in me that if wrapped around it, my fingers couldn't touch! Now, a fancy one like the guy's have in Cheryl Brooks' Cat Star Chronicals- absolutely!
Jessica O'Brien
51. JLOBrien
@ Nicole the weaver- I feel a partnership in our future lol....and my infinite marketing prowess says other flavors should be considered for those who aren't cheesecake fans. And as my husband stares at me for giggling like a crazy person I am off to write down ideas.
Natasha Carty
52. WickedLilPixie
@Rhapsody - More power to you! I'm all for the fantasy but in RL, I'd run screaming.
@Louise321 - I PROMISE I will add it to the TBR pile. Maybe a valentines read ;)
@Melissa - Aww thank you. Who knew my penis rant would turn out so well lol
@LindsayB - If your hand doesn't fit around it, nothing good can come from it. No pun intended. Snicker.
Pony Lauricella
53. Pony
When I was in my twenties, I dated a very nice fellow who was 7 feet 4 inches tall, and hung like a fantasy romance hero. I bled every time we had sex, and would feel horrible and bruised inside for days after. After a few times (thought maybe my body would get used to it, I guess?) I had to say no more. It was too bad, he was really sweet and I enjoyed his company, but... no.

Nothing wrong with 'a bit above average', but I'll pass on the monster schlongs, thanks.
Carrie Strickler
55. DyslexicSquirrel
I'm not a fan of the overly large peen. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. My first boyfriend was, um, well... Let's just say the first experience was NOT pleasant. And neither was any of them there after. So I don't much like reading about anything where large peens, sex and discomfort is involved lol

Some heroine in a novel wants to wax poetic about her dudes perfect penis? Dont get carried away, but sure! Ending up in the ER after sex? No thanks.
Gem Jean
56. Gem
Oh- this is so funny! Thank you all! I also want to say but the less said about the Plum like head of the peen the better. Really- I hate too much detail on appearance- I mean they may feel nice when they are not impaling one but do they ever look really pretty. This was exactly what I needed to read today. I want to add that I am of victim of my times and I am not into body hair- anything" furred" - ah- nope. My husband has 1 hair on his chest and he removes it and I am so greatful.
Renee Vincent
57. rdsangel127117
This was a fun article albeit kind of painful to read at times. LOL. I found myself crossing my legs, uncrossing them and just downright groaning as if in pain for those poor heroines. I'm comfortable with the average peen thank you very much!
Renee Vincent
58. K D Grace
I once read a novel in which the hero's face was pinched by the bulge in his trousers ... but I'm pretty sure it was more poor sentence structure than an overly large package. I crossed my legs. But that was to keep from wetting myself laughing.

Great post!
Renee Vincent
59. Cat_rock
Love the article! Another thing in fiction: Not only are the penises always huge! The heroine rarely needs foreplay at all... Enough to give any girl performance anxiety! Especially when a perfectly normal sice penis can hurt at times!
Renee Vincent
60. Lafka
Good grief, my colleagues must think I'm stark raving mad, laughing out loud all alone before my computer ! My, 2012 is definitely starting well on H&H !
As for the size, though I'm rather on the Average Team in real life, I really don't mind a slightly "oversized" hero _ after all, romance and/or erotic books are about fantasy, aren't they?
Still, the love scenes should remain sexy and kinky. I must say that, when some details or use of words make the idea pop in my mind that the heroin (or the hero if you're into M/M romance) will likely tear apart or, if lucky, just walk ducky-style for days, well it sort of kills the mood...
For example, I remember a serie of books I read (I just can't remember the title nor the author right now, my apologies!), where the heroins systematically had sex not with one, nor two, but three (!!!) hung-like-horses cowboys _ and BDSM style, of course! Uh? Some scenes were great but when the author insisted on the size of the peen, and the pain the heroin endured to "take it" (or them actually, multiple partners oblige), it became more repelling than sexy. I just kept thinking "ouch, they'll have to take her to the ER if they keep it that way". And when the day after the wild-sex night, the heroin (who was sometimes a virgin just a few days before!), just kept going her life as if she hadn't been ran over by three stallions, it just had me roll my eyes.
So, I don't mind a good old oversize fantasy, but please dear authors, try to keep it a little bit realistic!
Renee Vincent
61. blodeuedd
Awesome post cos yes I thinkl about it. Especially the virgin issue. Here he comes along with his enormous peen and now look at that, it does not even hurt the first time. Only for a second and then pure bliss..really? You come near me with that giant peen and I will run
Renee Vincent
62. Sandy Lion
Refreshing and enlightening! All Ihave to say is....where are the pants to fit all these men-because none of them where underwear and you know that zippers are scary and the button fly's would be pullin' at the seams!
Renee Vincent
63. Jennifer Armintrout
I think you hit the nail on the head, that just because some people find it sexy, not everyone will. I write erotica under the pen name Abigail Barnette, and I have to admit... I write big penises. Not necessarily horror penises, but my editor and I have a motto: go big or go home. When my book Giant came out, the crux of many of the reviews was, "Um, how did she...?" and my response to that is almost always, "The magic of true horniness." I do, of course, recognize how unrealistic these scenarios are, but I'm pretty sure readers do, too, and they're all in good fun.
Renee Vincent
64. A Simple Love of Reading
OMG. How did I miss this post on the day it was posted? HAHA! That is some scary, scary stuff there. I don't read erotica either, and now I'm kinda freaked out about giving it a chance! I was totally cringing throughout this post! ;)

Thanks, Nat! I always enjoy your thoughts!
Renee Vincent
65. CJ Black
Excellent post and I'm with you all the way! All I could think was wow, seriously? Had to share this one on Facebook. I've previously said that I'll usually write that the intended love interest believes their lover "looks huge" put that's just their perspective.
Renee Vincent
66. KT Grant
When I think of massive hero peen I thnk of the song from Ren and Stimpy. "it's log, it's log, it's big and brown, it's log!"
Natasha Carty
67. WickedLilPixie
@DyslexicSquirrel - I am SO with you!
@Gem - Ditto on the plum and the hair, I hate hate hate chest hair sweater vests!
@rdsangel127117 - Men worldwide will appreciate this post one day ;)
@ KD Grace - That poor hero!
@ Cat_Rock - I KNOW! Holy hell, she'd really end up in the ER sans foreplay!
Natasha Carty
68. WickedLilPixie
@Lafka - Tee Hee, don't get in trouble at work! And yeah, 1 giant peen is enough thank you very much, 4 would kill a girl.
@blodeuedd - Ditto me that, I'd scream loudly and it wouldn't be because of the sex!
@Sandy - LMAO! I think they need a new clothing line, are you up to that challenge?
@Jennifer Armintrout - ROTLMAO I heart you Jennifer, totally heart you.
Natasha Carty
69. WickedLilPixie
@Amy - You are most welcome :)
@CJ - Looks I can handle, it's the over descriptive hugeness and the heroine just magically has the super hoo hah that fits that beast.
@Katie - ME TOO! LOL!!
Gem Jean
70. Gem
I want so much to post this on facebook but I would be so embarressed as there are a bunch of super religious and HS and work friends and I know that a lot of people would really love it- but I just cant- if someone posts this on facebooks I will however like it- somehow thats less of a blusher. Also- PEEN- is this a new word- I like it better than Penis LOL. Next these guys will have huge tongues or something. And I agree no foreplay and a huge orgasm (always the first one ever) for a virgin. So silly. Only one romance ever discussed lubriants- I mean if you are going to describe a penis etc- you cant ever have anyone drizzle oil around? Cant imaging why none of the heros are more thoughtful. What to they do in European publishing where no one is circumcized? Foreskin is NOT erotic.
Thought you might enjoy this- LOL (metric divid by 2.2 inches- why do we have the stupid English system...http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2011/12/penis-sizes-across-europe.html
Renee Vincent
71. bc2mc3
Died laughing reading this post!
Natasha Carty
72. WickedLilPixie
@Gem - That is BRILLIANT! lmfao thank you for sharing *packs bags*
@BC2MC3 - Yay! Glad you stopped by for a laugh.
Renee Vincent
73. Deb Sanders
OMG...this was hilarious. And so right on!
Kiersten Hallie Krum
74. Kiersten
73 comments and nobody's mention Jondalar from Valley of the Horses (sequel to Clan of the Cave Bear)?! He had a monster peen and was infamous for 1. his smooth, painfree ability with deflowering virgins (a highly valued skill in that book) and 2. never being able to put it all in - until he meets Anya of course, the only woman in the world who can take him to the hilt. This was my teenage sexual education, y'all.

The monster peen in fantasy romance merits an eyeroll from me every time. I don't need my heroines to be split asunder by the hero's monster peen - really, it's OK. Micah in LKH's books is a perfect example b/c he's actually average height, about as talk as Anita herself but equipped with the full enormous package. To which my scant, self-taught knowledge of anatomy goes - no.

Great, funny post, Pixie. Huzzah
Natasha Carty
75. WickedLilPixie
@Deb - Thanks!
@Kiersten - LOL at "split asunder" I may have to use that in sentences forever!
Renee Vincent
76. anonymous
I dunno about anyone else but...in my personal experience, bigger IS better. I've slept with a couple of guys with truly prime equipment and it's spoiled me for smaller guys.

So, yeah, now I look for that in a romance hero. Not because I'm having a crazy fantasy but because these descriptions honestly reflect my experience and desires.

I'm going anon here so I'll just lay it all on the table. My biggest guy was closer to 9 inches than 8 and girthy. So I don't know how good/bad extra inches would be, but I recall that particular size as being a TREAT.
Gem Jean
77. Gem
You know- I feel differently about things- I mean I will never hear my husband ask where is his Ball-peen hammer is and not think of this- never

Also- if the entire thing doesnt fit then its not much good to me since I am depending on beening right up against my guy to enjoy it- if we have to stay several inches apart well - I do not have a long giant clitoris. ( thats the rub).
Mirtie Raczo
78. lisa63
I don't even pluck my eyebrows because it hurts, so I sure as heck don't want something that big anywhere near me! However, put it in a book and I'm all over it! Something like that just screams (he he) to be read!
Natasha Carty
79. WickedLilPixie
@Anon - In my research (seriously) 6-9 inches is average size.
@Gem - I'm so with you!
@Lisa - ROTFLMAO!!!!
Ginny Doremus
80. FaeRhi
Ok, so I have to admit -- I'm part of a social networking site for kinky people (fetlife.com) and there are some hysterical groups on there, especially "Men with the Biggest c*cks" etc. (there are several of them). I joined two because it amuses me and some of the guys on there match what you'd read in the books... and I can think is "Wow, he could use that as a club and give me a black eye!" It's frightening. Also frightening -- just how many of them are willing to put those pictures out. But hey, if you've got it, flaunt it... On the flip side of that, there are several guys on there who have peens the size of a small thumb and they put THAT out for all the world to see... It just makes me giggle and say "awww how cute!!"
I'm team "slightly-above-average".
Renee Vincent
81. Lori H
wouldn't the man have a major blood-flow problem? 'That' huge, nothing left for the rest of the body? Am I being too logical? :-/
Natasha Carty
82. WickedLilPixie
@FaeRhi - You have me speechless.
@Lori - I have read that there IS one guy that faints when he gets excited LOL
Renee Vincent
83. RC
LOL. Best title ever! I can't believe that I didn't see this earlier.
I am glad to hear that I am not alone. I would just cringe at some of the over the top peen sizes. Pretty scary when you are reading the book and start feeling concern for the well being of the heroine. I also hate the word impaled. ICK! Hospital and traction should not beneeded after what should have been a pleasant experience.

Thanks for the giggles (and maybe a few blushes)!
Renee Vincent
85. Jezebellydancer
I am a petite woman and the thought of enormous penises scares me as well. Any woman who has had their cervix rammed knows the indescrbable and not sexy at all pain it causes. So that would pull me right out of sexy scene. For awhile there, it seemed a lot of sex scenes talked about his cock hitting her cervix. I think men must have been writing those because a woman who experienced it would never write that. Unless the point was to cause pain.

I dated a guy who was 11" and we just were not a good fit. Literally. It was a contributing factor to us breaking up.

I also had a very difficult time when I lose my virginity. I know plenty of women barely feel it, but I was sore for days after and sex the next few times wasn't much better. It bothers me when every scene with a virgin ends with her having a wonderful time.

I'm working on a novel with a supernatural guy who is big all over. He has magical abilities. I keep wondering if I should make him able to 'shrink to fit.'

I have another char who is 7' tall. Telling my girlfriends about him, they all want to know, 'is he proportional?' I have to work that into the story. Somehow, he and the heroine need to have awesome sex, so I guess I'm going to go with the 'wow, that's awesome.' approach.

I use 'impaled' when the heroine is in control. That works for me in that context.

I am also laughing at all the 'peen' talk. Is it because it's quicker to type than penis? Or is there a problem using the proper word. Or does peen itself conjure up a larger-than-life penis?

There is the urban legend that John Dilliger couldn't have sex because he was so big that he passed out when it got hard, but there's no confirmation of that.

Here's something I found about the largest penises on record http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071226091555AAK4fHp Looks like 13-14" is where they top out.

I couldn't find anything on girth.

@Pony--How tall are you? I would love to talk more with you abt your 7'4" guy to help me with my novel. 6'7" is the tallest guy I ever met and we had no physical relationship. But just talking to him helped me figure some things out for the novel. Like the annoying crick in my neck form having to look so far up all the time.

@Sandy Lion--LOL about the big penis clothing issues. My big guy wears a kilt which solves that problem. Although it reminds me of the joke. The girl looks the big brawny Scotsman up and down and says, "It's not the glint in yer eye I'm afeared of MacPhearson, 'Tis the tilt in yer kilt!"
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