I love romance. I’ve been reading romance since I was 12 years old (don’t tell my mom!). And as an avid romance reader, there’s one thing I’ve noticed time and time again—despite having emotional flaws and a sordid past, which makes the hero in any romance “tortured and desirable,” the hero never suffers when it comes to his skills in the bedroom.
Maybe I was in a mood or I was reading too many contemporary romances back-to-back but I started noticing a trend that I could no longer ignore.
Why isn’t the hero ever an average guy in the sack? He can be an emotionally stunted commitment-phobic douchebag, but he is always amazing in bed.
Here is what I found to be the standard trope for the hero in a romance novel that sometimes makes my eyes roll.
1. Perfect Body—Yes, I am a cover whore, and base most of my purchases on the man-titty covers. Not every man is toned, muscled and in shape. If the heroines can come in all shapes and sizes, why not the men? Let’s have a skinny guy with zero muscle tone be the hero for once. Skinny men need love too! Even the geeky/nerdy heroes have rock-hard abs!
2. Above average-size penis—We know that not all men are created equally, but not every man has a dill pickle for a penis. In most romance novels, the men are thick and long and the heroine doesn’t ever think that it will “fit.” Oh, really? For me, being gutted out by a large peen is not sexy. Let’s tone it down with the size. There’s nothing wrong with average as long as he knows how to work it right. About 20 years ago, I read a Silhouette novel where the hero was a virgin and in his late 30s. That book was one of the sexiest books I read because the guy had no moves. He had to learn everything! There’s nothing wrong with that.
3. Loves to eat dessert first—That is every woman’s dream, but not their reality. Most men don’t like going downstairs, so to find a man who’s eager and willing is a gem! I know romance is about fantasy, but can we throw a little tiny bit of reality in the mix? A lot of men don’t like kissing those second set of lips. How about we have a hero who wants to, but doesn’t know how?
4. Loves giving oral, but is a gentleman when it comes to receiving—Picture it: the woman has just had the best orgasm thanks to her partner’s oral skills. She decides to return the favor. The hero is excited and the woman works her magic. The guy is getting aroused and is reaching his peak. Right before he climaxes, he pulls away and tells the woman “I don’t want to come like this. I want to be inside you.” *rolls eyes* Seriously? I think a lot of men would be happy if a woman was willingly giving him a BJ. Again, I know we’re dealing with fantasy, but it irks me. Just go skeet-skeet and get it over with!
5. Knows all the right moves in bed—The hero and heroine are having sex for the very first time and yet he manages to hit all the right spots to make her orgasm to the point of blacking out. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, so my memory is fuzzy about the first time we had sex but I don’t recall it being all that great. He didn’t know my hot spots, I didn’t know his. A guy has to be a real skillful lover or a gigolo to be able to give a woman perfect sex the first time around.
6. Considerate in bed—Not only does he know how to hit the spots that make her eyes roll to the back of her head but he also makes sure she gets off first. He’ll be damned if he orgasms before she does! *shakes fist* that’s all nice and dandy, but how many women can orgasm on command and how many men have the skill to bring a woman to orgasm? I’d think there’d be chafing after awhile.
7. Mucho stamina—See #6. Since he won’t be orgasming until the woman does, the guy can go all night. Once both reach their peak and orgasm in sync (with him urging her to “come with me”), not 10 minutes later, the hero and his little big HERO is ready for round two. Personally, I’m ready for a snack and a nap.
I love my romance, but sometimes the things that make them great kinda gets on my nerves. I am now campaigning for the “average size, no muscle tone having, needs to be taught some moves in the bedroom” hero. If you find one, let me know. And send him my way.
David image (minus the heart) courtesy of McPig via Flickr
Marquetta: Reader, Blogger, Smut Lover.
