Recently, the erotic BDSM fanfic turned novel, Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James, blasted onto the romance scene and put the subject of BDSM on everyone’s mind**. What I noticed is while many admit to enjoy reading about it, some (myself included) don’t understand the actual need or desire for such a relationship—one that requires someone to take or give over sexual control of themselves. So, I thought to investigate a little further into this alternative lifestyle and discover for myself what the fascination is.
BDSM: Bondage. Discipline. Sadism. Masochism.
What exactly is BDSM? BDSM is an erotic form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy role-play. The acronym BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide array of activities, forms of personal relationships, and distinct subculture. I will be only discussing basic BDSM here and save the fetishes and role-playing for later.
Bondage is physically restraining your partner from simple rope to elaborate straps, chains, and locks.
Discipline is the act of restraining your partner through the use of rules and punishment.
Dominance and Submission (also known as D&s, Ds or D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals relating to the giving and accepting of control of one individual over another in an sexual relationship. It is the mental aspect of the BDSM relationship. Collaring, tattoos, and piercings are often used to show a D/S consensual relationship.
Sadomasochism is the giving and receiving of sexual pleasure through physical and psychological pain. The Sadist enjoys giving pain, while a masochist enjoys receiving.
BDSM relationships are characterized by individuals usually taking on complementary, but unequal roles, so consent from both the partners is essential. Participants who are the controllers are known as tops or dominants. Those who enjoy being controlled by their partners are known as bottoms or submissives. Individuals who alternate between top/dominant and bottom/submissive roles are known as switches. Every relationship and person is different, so it’s up to you and your partner to work out the details of what your relationship will entail.
A common misconception of BDSM lifestyles I’ve heard repeatedly is the control issue; submissives are often thought to be nothing more than mindless slaves whose need to be loved have them agreeing to any perversion or command in order to receive that love. The people I’ve spoken to who are involved in this lifestyle or know about it say this couldn’t be further from the truth. More often than not, the erotics we read do not depict a realistic BDSM lifestyle. A source for this article who prefers to remain anonymous, (I will refer to them as Gem in here), explained to me that most erotic BDSM books feature alpha bossy male doms because that’s what the readers want and expect. When I asked Gem why we rarely see the negotiations involved, they replied,
“Trust me when I say what’s in fiction is very different from what’s in real life. I had to learn that the hard way. A good author has the skill to make just about anything romantic. In real life, there are sights, smells and sounds that just aren’t sexy. lol I was reading a critique partner’s BDSM books long before I met my dom and I have to remember that what she writes doesn’t mean that’s the way it is. For example, in a lot of books, the Dom immediately starts ordering the sub around and telling her what to do. My dom refuses to do that. He says he doesn’t want a doormat; He wants an intelligent woman capable of making decisions for herself. If He has to order her around for every little thing, that’s nothing more than a trap for Him.”
It is actually the submissive who is in control. They let their doms/dommes know what they want, how they want it, what they can and cannot do before hand and then they trust their partner to give them that in a safe and healthy environment. Everything is and should be done with consent of both individuals. Gem described it as such.
“Again, it’s not about being told what to do, but in doing things that you know already will make Him/Her happy. That is an internal desire/drive which is difficult for me to explain because I’m not there yet. I can say that in my day job, I make decisions all day, every day, and usually for others who can’t make the decision for themselves. It’s tiring. When I’m with XX, I breathe a sigh of relief b/c I don’t have to think—finally!!—I just do.”
I was surprised to see that many couples actually indulge in a little BDSM in the bedroom without being aware of it. Ever scratched your lover’s back during sex? Perhaps asked for or received a light tap on the buttocks? Maybe your partner likes to call or email you at work and tell you what they will be doing to you when you get home or asking you to wear a particular outfit. All of that is BDSM to varying degrees.
This brings me to consent. Consent can be a verbal or written contract. The contract between the dom and sub is very important. Starting a BDSM relationship requires responsible, mentally coherent, consenting people. This mutual consent makes a clear legal distinction between BDSM and sexual assault or domestic violence. A safe word is used as a way to let the dom know when you are not comfortable with what is happening and need to stop. It is very important to listen to your partner when they use a safe word. Failure to do so is a breach of trust and can end the relationship. If you are considering embarking on this lifestyle choice, make sure you do so with a person you trust. No, Stop, and Don’t are often not used as safe words because the roles being played may involve the illusion of non-consent. Green, Yellow, and Red are good words. Green meaning “good to go,” yellow meaning “whoa there buddy...I’m not sure about this,” and red meaning “stop now.”
Consent is a major button of mine when reading BDSM fictional novels. Because the Dom is usually portrayed as being over the top Alpha, I often see a line being crossed where the male coerces, sometimes blackmails the female into accepting a sub lifestyle because, “I know what she is and what she wants.” Really? Most times the male knows the female for about 5.8 seconds before they make this astonishing observation. If a man I didn’t know came up to me and said all that then told me I would have to accept his lifestyle in order to have fulfilling sex with him and if I didn’t then I’m lying to myself...well let’s just say Mr. Alpha Dom would get an earful and quite possibly a kneeful. The overall conclusion I have drawn from all I have learned is this isn’t about the need to be saved. They don’t need to be fixed. Most who indulge in this lifestyle know what they want or have a pretty good idea. They don’t need a new mommy or daddy (though there are fetishes that play off that). What they want is an outlet for their kink and they need a partner who can help them fulfill that. Both parties need to know what this lifestyle entails before hand. I don’t like the whole “I’ll tell what you need to know right before it happens” attitude.
In my explorations, I asked a friend of mine what she liked about the genre. Nicole from the blog Bookpushers.com is a BDSM reader and this was her reply,
“What I enjoy in reading BDSM books is the enjoyment the Dom and sub get out of taking care of one another. The Dom does his/her best to find out what the sub needs, whether it’s of a purely sexual nature, or in life in general. The sub takes care of the Dom as well—either by serving them in a submissive way 24/7, or be fulfilling the need that the Dom has to take care of him/her.”
She does warn that all BDSM books are not alike:
“They range from the Master/slave books where the sub is sometimes portrayed as JUST a servant for their Dom. That’s not the kind of book that I enjoy. I like seeing two personalities clash, I like seeing a woman (or man) struggle with being submissive. There are the club books, that take place out in the open with lots of people watching. I know some readers don’t like that, but I don’t mind it. Then there are the books where the BDSM relationship just takes place in the comfort of their own home. They don’t go out and flaunt it, but they live it day in and day out. And there are the strictly kinky sex books. The characters on’t live a “BDSM” lifestyle, but enjoy their sex with a little spice.”
While I think I’m going to hold off introducing the whips and chains into the bedroom—for now—I will continue to read this erotica with more of an open mind to the people who choose this alternative lifestyle.
Are you interested in reading more about this spicy lifestyle? Here are a few authors and books that will have you “submitting” to the interesting and admittedly erotic world of BDSM.
My favorite BDSM book of all time is Second Chances by Lauren Dane. It’s a lightweight BDSM novella that is an emotionally heartbreaking story about loss, sacrifice, and redemption. Our heroine, Rory, is a young lady with self image issues who leaves her hometown a shy overweight girl and returns a sexy self confident woman who captures the attention of her crush-town bad boy Jude Callahan. When Jude sees Rory, it brings out all the secret desires he keeps hidden. He wants to own her, pleasure her, dominate her. When Jude’s commitment issues (he’s a total arse) push Rory away, she meets Zach. Another Dom who knows exactly what Rory needs and won’t make the mistakes Jude made. When Jude sees Rory with Zach, he realizes just what he lost and wonders if he’ll get a second chance.
The Reluctant Dom by Tymber Dalton is a beautiful, emotionally draining story that deals with a husband and wife who practice a D/S relatioship. When the husband Kaden receives news he’s dying, he approaches his best friend Seth with a request. He wants Seth to take over his Dom duties with his wife Leth. Leth was severely sexually abused as a child and teenager. She uses the D/S to help her deal with her past issues. The story is told from Seth’s POV and the grief of his friend dying and the fear of trying to be what Leth needs will have you grabbing tissue after tissue till the end.
Jane Davitt’s Bound and Determined is a gay m/m BDSM story that deals with a young man who wants to sub for an older, reserved, experienced Dom. The book follows their journey, leading us through the initial stages of lust to their eventual HEA against a BDSM background. Very realistic look at the love and trust that can be and should be a part of this lifestyle.
Ava March wrote the primer on gay historical bdsm novels. My review partner Mandi adores Ms. March’s Bound series, and rightly so. The first one in the series, Bound By Deception, deals with Lord Vincent Prescott and the man who loves him, Lord Oliver Marsden. Oliver had loved Vincent since childhood, but has never gotten the same feeling from Vincent. When Oliver learns that Vincent hires a man from a local brothel on occasion, Oliver switches places with the prostitute and learns that nothing about Vincent is what it seems. From here, Vincent and Oliver embark on a turbulent love affair that is shadowed by the social taboos of the times and Vincent’s reluctance to admit his feelings.
Cherise Sinclair is considered a favorite in the BDSM literary world. Her books feature sexy alpha Doms and smart, stubborn “bad” little subs who need a firm loving hand in the bedroom. Her Masters Of Shadowland series mainly interacts in a sex club, while her Mountain Masters series is more personal one on one interaction. Plenty of humor and emotional interaction, though her books can be intense for those not familiar with this world.
Megan Hart is another favorite author or mine that straddles the line between erotica and BDSM. In her Order of the Solace series, Ms. Hart writes of a fantasy world where handmaidens are trained in the arts of submission and are there to offer solace to their clients. Her stories go beyond the normal sex, sex, and more sex and offers a strong emotional connection between her characters with a viable plot to round it out.
**For more on Fifty Shades of Grey, check out:
- Fifty Shades of Grey: H&H’s Reactions
- E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey Headed to Hollywood? Or Will the Law Intercede?
- Dr. Drew Gets Schooled on E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey
- E.L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey Sold to Major Publisher
- What to Read After Finishing Fifty Shades of Grey: Your Suggestions!
And find more in the Fifty Shades of Grey Collection!
Tori Benson, Smexybooks and at Twitter.
