The first Squick Word post just won’t die (Squick Me Out! Words Not to Use in Moments of Passion) comments keep being posted, and some evil beings continue to email me passages of books with the M word in it!
Go figure, it all started out with the word “moist.” *vomits* I scoured my recent reads for months and jotted down words that made me feel dirty inside. It took ages, but I finally have enough to disgust you all.
The slightest word can pull me right out of a story and make me cackle like nobody’s business—which is also when I scribble said word down in my trusty “Squick Word” notebook (seriously) so I can share them with you all. The following words are honest-to-goodness words I have come across in my reading this year.
Animals– Any use of animal in reference to body parts, sounds or food products used during sex really gross me out. Specifically “Fishy” “Meaty” “Porked” or “Tube Steak,” yes, they’re funny as hell, but they are NOT sexy. Tuna seems to be a favorite of some erotica authors, and I can tell you, it turns me off faster then a group of Bieber look-alikes.
Heaving – Last I checked my bosoms do not heave, not even after a heavy work out. The only heaving I do is after food poisoning. Again, totally not sexy to use a word that I think of as the time I spent clutching the toilet.
His “Member”?! – Do I need some sort of membership card to visit? Can’t we just say his penis, dick or cock? Why must we go back to the playground; what’s next, his privates?
Turgid – When I first saw this word in a book the internal conversation I had was amusing “Turgid Cock? What in the blue hell is that?!” Off to Google I went: Swollen; Distended; Timid. Wait WHAT? Timid? Wouldn’t it just be easier to say swollen? How many of you non-authors actually knew what that word meant until you came across it in a sentence? It’s also way too close to the word Turd for my liking.
Cave – When I see the word cave in place of vagina, I think canal. When I think canal, I think BIG. It’s even worse if he “licks her cave.” I always feel like Jacques Cousteau is going to pop out and say I discovered a new species!
Speaking of caves….
Vaginal Contraction – Why must we say they had sex and she had a vaginal contraction? Women, even those without children, know damn well nothing good comes from a vaginal contraction. Cramps come with vaginal contractions, PAIN comes with vaginal contractions (Okay, sue me, I like typing vaginal contractions).
Uterus – Yes, I’m aware it’s a body part we females utilize. But whenever I see it written I turn into a 15-year old boy in health class and giggle my arse off. It sounds like outer space “I’m traveling to Uterus to seek new life forms.” It’s just not a sexy word, especially in a sentence with vaginal contractions.
And as if this all weren’t enough, I asked my friend and author Saranna DeWylde for some help. See, she’s the one that told me about the macaroni noises, so blame her. I asked her what new word she’s came across made her want to hurl and then almost died reading her response:
Smegma- First of all, this one is just nasty because of what it is (dick cheese) and secondly, the word associations. Smegma makes me think of magma, which brings us to volcanoes and then you’ve got volcanic spewing dick cheese. Not a pretty sight.
Tell me you aren’t horrified right now!
Veins- Please please pllllleease do not reference a swollen penis with the word veiny. I get the icks. “His veiny member spewed hot smegma” just about makes my bosoms heave over the toilet.
Saranna also threw in the word Sauce, which I also agree with. Ladies, cum is not sauce. Sauce is something you put on a burger or a salad. Am I right? Why must we use this word like cum is some new-fangled salad dressing?! If you tell me it’s secret sauce I’m libel never to eat takeout again.
Another we agree on: Groaning/Groaned – Again another word I associate with throwing up and/or a bowel movement. “He groaned while thrusting into me;” sorry, but I’d be telling him he needs to see a doctor or visit the bathroom. Saranna says, “I know a lot of fantastic authors who utilize these words. Some do it very well, but I’ve always associated those sounds as something you do when you’re worshiping the Porcelain God with your face or your hindparts. Sometimes both. ’He groaned against her mouth.’. Get him a Zantac!”
Baby Batter– Do I really need to tell you why the use of this word is a bad idea all around?
There are some times when you just don’t need to be that descriptive.
Have you come across any new squick words since my last post? Agree with me, disagree? Try and gross me out, you know you wanna! Can you make a paragraph with every single word on this list? (Please don’t.)
Yellow-fin tuna at sunset image courtesy of nilsrinaldi via Flickr
Natasha Carty reviews Paranormal Romance and Urban Fantasy on her website Wicked Little Pixie and lives in Toronto, Canada, with her cat, Seamus.