Mon
Nov 21 2011 2:30pm

Breaking Dawn Part 1 Wishes It Were As Good as a Hot Mess

One big unhappy and creepy family.Words cannot express the sheer awkwardness of the movie Breaking Dawn Part 1, but this is a blog, and this is my post, so I guess I must. For all the die-hard Twilight fans out there, you may not want to read this. Fair warning if you proceed.

I wanted to wash my eyes afterward and in Men-In-Black style erase my kid’s memory. Hell, my memory along with it. My hubby still has this strange, WTF look on his face, three days later. If he could call child services on me for allowing her to read the book, then taking her to see it play out on the silver-screen he would. Yes, it was that bad.

*****SPOILERS*****

H&H blogged about the ridiculousness of the book, Breaking Dawn (Breaking D’Oh! Why I Hate Twilight) a while back. And yes, I agreed that the whole plot was full of crazy sauce and I couldn’t wait to see how Hollywood handled teenage marriage and the consummation of said act, a vamp having to gnaw his baby from the womb, and a teenage werewolf imprinting on a newborn baby.

Yup, that is the plot. While it was lovely to see Edward and Bella saving sex for when they were married, they were still married at the age of eighteen. Well, Edward is immortal but he’s been seventeen for like a hundred years. Yes, a hundred-year-old virgin. So, that was kind of hard to watch with my thirteen year old in tow. Couldn’t imagine her five years from now getting hitched. Thank the lord she did not sit with me and the hubby in the theater. The poor kid would’ve had her eyes covered by her father throughout most of it. I wished he’d have covered mine.

The wedding itself was filled with the typical angsty-ness that the Twilight Her favorite expression...Saga is known for. Bella’s walk down the aisle alone took forever. My hubby said that when and if he walks our baby down the aisle if she looks that miserable or scared he’d take off with her. Bella’s poor dad Charlie walks her down the aisle and she looks like she’s about to have a seizure at any moment. The scene went on and on for days. There was a slight comedic break with the toast bit, but it didn’t last long enough.

Jacob comes along and Bella is happy. The shirtless wonder wants to say goodbye before she becomes a bloodsucker. Bella decides to give him a little TMI by telling him that she’ll be human for the horizontal mambo. Poor Teen-Wolf freaks out. Edward the vamp can’t bone a human; he’ll break her into pieces. Again, awkward. Man up, Jacob, admitting in front of the girl you love your competition will kill her in bed makes you look like a wuss.

The honeymoon and the OMG they are gonna do it scene feels so forced and colder than Edward’s skin. There was zero chemistry between the two. Edward tears apart the bedroom, literally breaking the bed into pieces. Bella is bruised and Edward is so distraught he won’t do the deed again with her until after she is changed. Two weeks into their honeymoon, yes, two weeks in a private island off Rio, Bella feels sick and realizes she is late for her period.

Wait, you’re telling me that if I have sex I can get pregnant?Pump the breaks. This is such bull-caca. You are on your honeymoon. You know damn well no girl wants to get her period then. Whether or not she needed birth control, us ladies know it comes in handy for other things besides preventing pregnancy. Plus, she packed tampons and a white bikini. Bella took the idiot teen character to a whole new level. We, as the readers, are supposed to by this whole idea she is so mature, mature enough to marry at eighteen, and she goes and does this. I am pulling her Woman card on this one.

Bella ends up preggers! And is shocked that she could even get that way. You think, again, this would have been a conversation to have BEFORE having sex with a vampire. Edward looks just as shocked. Um, dude, you’ve been around for like a hundred years. Ya think you may have a little bit of insight. But then again, in those hundred years he keeps ending up back in high school. Not so smart after all. As soon as Bella gets home, she is kept at the Cullen compound. This vamp baby is growing so fast and killing Bella. From here on out in the movie Bella resembles Gollum from The Lord of The Rings. It is so disturbing to watch. And this takes up most of the movie: Bella sitting around wasting away to an emaciated shell with a swollen belly.

The wolf pack is ordered to destroy Bella, out of fear of what powers exactly The only redeeming part...that baby may have. Jacob cannot kill his precious Bella. So he protects her and leaves the pack. This was actually the only saving grace in this movie. The wolf scenes were pretty kick ass. And of course pretty damn hot with all those luscious six pack abs! Howling on and off screen, thank you very much.

But, that’s really about it. Most of this movie is Skeletor sitting around preggers with those sullen mouth-gaping stares and Edward moaning he wants to kill the baby. Way to go, Daddy. When Bella can no longer keep any food down she drinks blood to stay nourished for the Vamp Baby. Gross, but the only decent plot point I can actually agree with.

Then comes the most insanely awkward ludicrous scene in all of movie history. Bella goes into labor and it’s pretty obvious she will die. The scalpel doesn’t seem to work so Edward chews the baby out. Read that line again. He. Chewed. His. Baby. Out.

Jacob later goes to see if he can actually kill the baby as he was ordered to earlier. He takes one look at the precious demon child and falls in love Werewolf style. What-the-what is right. It sounded creepy in the book and looked creepy as hell on screen.

We are left with Edward biting Bella all over her body trying to turn her. Again, it looks so damn weird. The movie ends with Jacob marking his territory by letting the pack know the Baby is his. It would’ve been funny if he literally lifted one leg and marked it. At least I would’ve laughed at this point. I think my mouth was open from the pregnancy announcement up until the end. This is kind of funny when I think about it, because halfway through the movie my hubby asked me if Bella ever closed her mouth. The whole movie she never has her mouth fully closed. Again, that sullen angst thing is a bit overplayed. The hubby also asked ten minutes in if it was a musical. Dead serious. The background music was so melodramatic and so loud and playing when background music shouldn’t play, it really did feel like Jacob and Edward could break out at any moment in song and dance, West Side Story style. Again, that may have helped the movie a little. The only thing that got me and the man through these two hours of torture was our commentary, in Beavis and Butthead fashion. “I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. Can I have some of your popcorn?” We even imitated their voices. That was cool. Snort. Anywho, I digress.

We’re the most interesting part my dear.The very end is Bella waking up a vamp with red eyes, like we didn’t see that one coming. But the extra scene after the credits had me super pissed. It is of the Voltaire, the royalty of vampires, finding out about the vamp baby. The leader makes a snide remark that it’s all-out war now, because they want that baby. OMG, why aren’t we watching that instead of the heroin-chic Gollum baby mama drama and the hot pedophile werewolf storyline! Breaking Dawn part 1 should have been wrapped up in 20 minutes. This is a shameful ploy to get two movies out of one book.

All the Tweenlights were screaming and crying. I literally had one crying next to me. I had tears too, but not for the same reason, I suspect. My kid even liked it; in fact, she said she loved it. I guess I’m too old for this crap. It’s a shame, because I enjoyed the first book and loved all the movies up until this point. But I feel ripped off and jaded ; the entertainment industry doesn’t care at all if a story makes sense. They care about the bottom dollar. So, I’m glad I went to the dollar store and snuck candy into the theater. I’m glad I lied and bought the children’s tickets when all the kids with me were not twelve or under. I’m glad the dad in front of me had a fanny pack filled with goodies, even a backpack filled with cans of soda and his favorite cup from home. That’s right, Hollywood. You may get some of our hard-earned money, you may have stolen two hours of my life and killed precious brain cells, but I snuck candy in. And guess what, when Breaking Dawn 2 comes out, I will sneak into that movie. That’s right. You heard me; I will be going to see Breaking Dawn 2 when it comes out. Who doesn’t love watching a train wreck?

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21 comments
Sarah Smith
1. sasmith361
I'm glad I didn't waste my time going this weekend. Thanks for the awesomely hilarious review. I'll just wait until it goes to the $3 last run theater or makes its way to DVD in a few months.
Mo
2. Mo
Seriously, this review makes me so glad I never bothered to pick up this series of books, and I'm into paranormals. But this sounds so nasty, I too, have to wonder that we let our children read it. Eeeeeewwwwwww
Mo
3. Amy111
Wow, can't believe adults go to this and expect it to work for them. This movie was marketed to the preteens still slavering over Jacob and Edward, and in that sense, it was very well done. Haven't met a TwiHard yet who wasn't over the moon for the wedding scene, the honeymoon, and the general cheesiness of it.

As for me, I saw it last night and was alternately laughing my ass off and bored to tears. But bravo to the filmakers for catering to the audience that floats this franchise, and not old cynical curmudgeons like me.
Mo
4. Allison Merritt
Charli,
Thanks for sharing that recap. I can't stand Twilight (someone told me I hated them because I read them out of order... believe me, that wasn't the reason) and I've just learned all I need to know about the movie from reading your post.

Acting-schmacting, slap some doofy-looking people in a movie with teen sex and vampires and it's all good these days. *gag*
Mo
5. JM Kelley
Would your husband mind too terribly if I asked you to marry me? Because I have an incredible girl crush on you after this.

I don't know about earlier commentary that implies adults shouldn't expect this to work for them. Some of the best works of fiction out there are technically catered to the YA market. And loved by throngs of adults. A mark of a truly talented author writing for the younger generations, IMHO, is this: When I pick up a book I loved as a child, and it still speaks to me as an adult, the author has done her job, and done it well.

I can only hope that someday, those TwiHard youngins will pick up Twilight as an adult and say, "Holy crap. What the hell was I thinking?"
Mo
6. Stella and Audra Price
Hilarious. I couldnt even bring myself to go near a movietheater during last weekend. My favorite line on the Beavis and Butthead was "Is Bella A Zombie?" I almost pissed myself laughing... she catches flies with that guppy mouth of hers...

I havent seen it, and now I dont need to, you just summed it up in one freaking awesome post, thank you!
Mo
7. Brenda D
LOL, I freaking loved your post--and I can't stand Twilight--books and movies. I couldn't read passed the second novel and I stopped watching the movies after the first one. I wasn't going to waste my money going to see this movie anyway, but your blog post was awesome!
I can't believe Edward had to CHEW his kid out of Bella's stomach. That is "bleeped" up!!!! LOL, oh man, how weird.
Anna Bowling
8. AnnaBowling
The first thing that came to mind when reading about Jacob marking his territory...well, let me say I've had boy dogs and leave it at that. Ahem.

Have not seen the movies, apart from the first half hour of #1, but loved this post.
Hayley Hunter
10. Bookworm-at-Starbucks
Totally. My friend said she cried while watching it and I said I'll vomit IF i'll watch it.
Mary Slack
11. Slack
My 15 year old who loves this series (sigh) and has read it a multitude of times said this movie "wasn't as good as she expected" which is probably as bad a review as we'll get out of her. I'm glad I didn't pay for her ticket. Thanks for the hilarious review. Sounds like I got more entertainment out of the review then I would have during the movie.
Mo
12. Shay Fabbri
HAHAHAHAHA! *snort* This was the most awesome thing I have read and it may come to a fight between me and JM over you ;)

Oooo, wait! Maybe we could get Team Shay and Team JM shirts as we fight over Charli :D
Mo
13. Sahara
Im sorry just querying the "All Out War" comment regarding the Volturi over the baby. I thought it was Alice he wanted. They dont even know about the baby as yet atleast thats what I remember from the book!
Joyce
14. sprite827
OK, I can see the comments IF YOU NEVER READ THE BOOKS! The first consummation scene is awkward in the movie, but the book handles this well. The Voltori still want Alice and use this as an excuse to attack. Also, turned vampire babies (which is what they think Renesmee is) are very dangerous and outlawed. The movie was a bit of a disappointment from what I hoped it would be, but the books are still great reads. All of my girls (from 21 to 15) read every book as soon as they were written. I also read them. Are they pulitzer prize winners? No. Are they entertaining, yes! I enjoyed the books and I am NOT a TWEEN. Geesh!
Mo
15. Slack
I read the books because all three of my girls did, and let me tell you, there are much better written, more entertaining books out there - for teens or adults. Did not particularly enjoy them, and wouldn't have finished the series if I hadn't wanted to know what my kids were reading. So not worth it.
Mo
16. Jerrica Knight-Catania
Hilarious! Hubby and I are Twihards for all the wrong reasons -- we just love the campiness of it all. We went to the theater during school hours so it was filled with grown-ups who found the movie just as ridiculous as we did. LOTS of Beevis and Butthead commentary took place. It was a riot and totally worth it!
Sa Ur
17. gatorgr00ve
This is the funniest and most refreshing take I've seen on BD1, thanks! You know what else puzzled me (aside from the obvious) about the premise of vapid Bella getting pregnant at 18 by a 100 y0 vampire? Vampires are...dead yes? So...biologically...how did this happen? Maybe they covered this angle in the book ...I think they might have but the details are fuzzy and I seem to recall that it didn't make much logical sense.
Mo
18. Berlie1776
I agree the movie was a big let down. They left out a lot of the background information from the book causing the plot to be lacking and scattered. I spent most of the movie explaining to my sister what was happening because she had not read the book and stayed confused.
Melissa Keith
19. MelK
Omg. Your post made me laugh my butt off. Thanks for that. I can stand to lose a little butt. Oh, a little butt...but I digress....I will see the movie but I'm bummed it was given a bad review. Bummer!
Melissa Keith
20. MelK
Forgot to say...I'm waiting for half that cast to come out of the closet. Just sayin'....
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