Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Some crazy stuff went down in Mystic Falls. We’re sure you’re shocked.
Now, on to this week’s recap of TVD 3.06, “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”
Wakey-Wakey, little blood donor. Now, with even fake-mom Aunt Jenna gone, do you wonder who does all the Gilbert linens? Shouldn’t their picture-perfect house be covered with dust? Elena doesn’t clean!
She should, however, be a pro at vamp-hole cover-up makeup, having seen now-dead-reporter-and fake-Damon’s-girlfriend work it for the cameras. (I suppose given this week’s events, maybe she isn’t really dead either, though she’s gonna need serious pancake makeup. Get it? Pancake? Because she fell to her death? I kid the deceased, because they never seem to stay that way in Mystic Falls.) Later, Elena will default to an awkward-looking scarf, though she never wears them. Subtle!
Now she’s out with Ric learning proper stabby-stabby stake-wise, but she’s not strong enough, not enough meat on her bones. That would be funny, if I thought they meant it. She’ll overcome her frailty. She’s ELENA, dammit! Ric’s getting tough with her training—I SO wish we could have a king fu montage. Vervain grenade coming atcha—think Fast! She protests Ric’s tough attitude, though he’s not even as fierce as the average Pilates instructor. Ric relents and goes all Elena-worshipping. Look, I accept the convention of Elena as superior to all other womanhood as another version of the magic hoo-ha, only it’s Doppleganger hoo-ha, and it’s just ir-re-freakin-sistible.
First Day of Senior Year is a let-down, and Prank Night was a bust. I love Caroline’s undimmed shallowness, but then Elena’s all “Our anniversary.” Last year on the first day of school, she met Stefan. Blot your tears on your uncharacteristic scarf.
Bloody Twister game with Stefan who likes punk-influenced music now, because he’s BAAD. Rebecca’s abandoned by Klaus and, and moving in Salvatore Central, which I guess, Elena no longer owns? Or are they trying to make us forget it until later? Anyhoo, I wanted this Twister game to be more depraved and entertaining, but I was bored somehow. Maybe I wasn’t really convinced Stefan even likes Twister. Emote your Twister Love!
Bonnie’s disputing whether Jeremy’s willfully inviting his dead exes back into his life. Whatevs.
Matt’s seeing sister Vicki still, cause he’s thinking about her. The other shoe drops from manipulative sis. A way to bring Vicki back? Wha—?
Tyler’s all cocky and happy. Don’t dig the headwrap. Reminds me of a Vietnam vet character from a film I can’t remember, but that guy was crazy and always wore driving gloves. Tyler’s got broad shoulders. Compressing his hair gives him a pinhead. He needs the balancing effect of the pouf.
Katherine’s trying to feed Michael rats. Tried bats. He’s not interested. She sees a human mourner in the graveyard and heads for take-out window.
Oh, the first SPIRIT SQUAD EVENT of the year. Right, of course we must go. We always go.
Vampire 101: Don’t wear your breakfast. Tyler’s blood-spotted; he says Rebecca set him up with a bag, but he’s psyched to be the first successful hybrid. Stefan’s back in the hallowed halls. (Go MF Timberwolves!) He doesn’t want to be a senior for the 100th time. Ric tries to back him off Elena, and gets pushed into a locker. Oooh. Next time swirlies will ensue. See you in History class.
Rebecca’s in class, too, talking Vikings. It’s about time for some Vikings up in here. I’d like to see the whole cast wearing horned helmets and riding reindeer. Of course, History’s Rebecca’s favorite, she’s seen so much of it. But she’s was dead-ish for the last 90 years. That’s the Rolling Stones’ entire career and all the Technicolor movies. Shouldn’t she be sacked on a couch with Cheetos catching up somewhere, like Austin Powers after thawing or Brendan Frasier in that bomb shelter movie, Blast from the Past?
Vicki’s in the H.S. Stoner Pit telling Matt she’s got help from the other side. Jeremy sees her talking to Matt, pretends he doesn’t, consults Anna. Vicki has a witch who could help her come and go as she pleases. Matt’s in, of course, because these schemes always work out, and he’s never said no to anyone but Caroline.
Rebecca used to hang out in grown-up places in the 1930s, now she’s joining SPIRIT SQUAD. Rah! Wants Caro’s spark, popularity, even her boyfriend. Really? Just because they’re the only lead girls rocking high-lift blondeness doesn’t make them competition. Tyler glamours the coach to get drunk at the bonfire. He’s proud of his new skillz. Pretty sure vamps have super athleticism anyway, so are Rebecca’s cartwheels and splits really praise-worthy, Tyler?
Michael’s waking. Faster, please, I beg you. (I loved Sebastian Roche as the angel/thief Balthazar on Supernatural). I hope he’s funny or awesomely menacing. I’m suffering an overload of dramatic earnestness versus bland stupidity, which I focus on when not enough other stuff is happening. See how Mystic Falls has corrupted me? Deaths, Explosions, Double-crosses, so why do I feel ho-hum this week?
Elena’s bench-pressing, because Stefan called her a human blood bag while acting douche-y on the track. Damon calls her “Buffy” and “Warrior Princess.” She wants to lock Stefan up, like when she put him on the human blood wagon, just until Michael can come and kill Klaus, freeing good-Stefan from his compulsion. Stefan’s high on human blood, Damon says, and can’t be fixed. Do it for me, she says, so I don’t break. But wait, I thought she was so emotionally strong!
Damon grabs her hand for sudden chest-touching. Solid sternum. Guess vampires do have different physiology. I’m expecting a chart and diagrams, but wait, Damon’s reaching under the spandex of Elena’s fitness wear toward her kidney, waist, hernia belt? Hard to tell. “Just below the ribcage next to the spine,” he says. “That’s the way to a vampire’s heart. No one’s going to hurt you, Elena. Especially not my brother.” Good moment. I like this new edging towards something. Hope it doesn’t arrive too fast.
Bonfire in the town of non-stop events and the Drunkiest McDrunkerson H.S. class ever. Since we’re pretty played out on kegs and bongwater, maybe they can start cooking rocks and snorting off each other? Why do we never hear puking in the background or have to work around tweakers counting every fallen leaf? Who’ll be voted Most Likely to Have Meth Teeth? What about the “bonfire babies” who show up in strollers by the time of the Spring Fling? So many questions. The bad behavior is widespread, well-funded, ignored by the authorities, and totally consequence-free. What we love about TV!
Keeping Bonnie out of the Stefan-snaring scheme: inexplicably dumb. Tyler, we discover, is Klaus’s bitch, or pup, as it were. He’s been SIRED. Seeks acceptance from his master. But it won’t happen, Tyler. Klaus will break your heart, because you can never be Stefan to him.
Boozy Elena to bonfire Chaperone Stefan: Think I’m gonna let a blood addict tell me how to drink?
Matty does a ritual. Candles, books, blood. “Too weird” (his first good instinct) But now he’s got to say he accepts Vicki. And, she’s Baaaaaack.
Bonnie having conniptions over Anna’s appearance is WAY histrionic. But conveniently, Anna’s witch-related info is totally uninteresting, because B’s peeved.
Vicki has a deal with an ancient witch to restore the balance by exterminating the hybrids. Tyler? No! It’s the Doppleganger who’s got to go, and Vicki brains Matt so he can’t stop her. Sorry, bro. You knew your sister was WT, right?
Elena’s trading chugs with Stefan, while Damon’s seducing Rebecca with marshmallows. Can her amazing instincts not detect his B.S.? Damon’s got his flirt on and you’re jealous, Stefan accuses Elena.
Matt tells Bonnie how he totally accidentally did this teeny black-magic ritual. Once again, eedjit.
Mmmm, s’mores. Damon feeds Rebecca: You’re distracting me. Never a fair fight between us. She stabs Damon with a tree limb. Temporary inconvenience at most, plus he’ll need a new henley.
Caro’s telling Tyler he’s acting like the old, pre-new him. Tyler says he’s sorry for being a d-bag. “Everything I like about me is you.” Kissy-kissy, but I don’t trust him.
Drunk Elena is falling off the bleachers and Stefan catches her at vamp-speed. Alaric’s crossbow shoots and scores. Stefan bagged.
Vicki’s got a lit ciggie. No lung cancer for ghosts. Smoke it up, phantasm. “I didn’t think she’d do something like that.” More stirring dialogue from the catalog of Matt-being -clueless. Vicki’s trying to blow up Elena in Alaric’s now-flaming car. “Sorry, Elena.” Vicki seems super sincere to me.
Bonnie, the utility witch, can fix all. What do I do, asks Matt, who’s never seen dangerous occult operations he’s not down with after 30 seconds. Matt has to let Vicki go. But she’s SO Really Sorry and weeping Ghost tears!
Elena rescues Stefan from the flames in the truck’s cargo area. She and Alaric get him out before the truck blows. Bad town for car insurance rates. Register your plates elsewhere.
Damon applies Elena’s burn ointment while sensitive piano music plinks. Played your part really well, Elena says. Rebecca drooled over you and your marshmallows. Eeew. Damon: Thought you were too drunk to notice. E: I was faking most of it. D: So was I. Guys, I was faking it, too.
Post-coital Caro with Tyler: You’re always running out on me. Caro: You have to earn the overnighter. You know, because getting drooled on is awesome and high-schoolers all have sleepover sex and then make each other omelets, or kill each other breakfast squirrels. (Are vampires and weres magically immune from STDs, because no one’s talking gloves either. Don’t you want Caroline to have Tyler’s 3/4 vampire baby? Since it’s TVD, she could conceive and deliver in 2 episodes. Then, the auxiliary baby could grow hairy bat wings and fly away before the season’s end.)
After Caro leaves, Rebecca shows with a present for Tyler. We wonder if the blood bags she’s been bringing him are all hoo-man shaped. Dripping girlie student neck, and Tyler’s in! FTW FTD (for the win, for the din…ner) I can’t care much about the murder—if she dies—because no one in town gives a damn that all their youths perish mysteriously, but isn’t there something else to do with Tyler’s new status? Prove how strong is he compared to, say, an Original? Better yet, derange him, please!
Coffin-chained Michael CAN kill Klaus and will, he tells Katherine, but doesn’t feed on living things…uh, oh…now Katherine’s dinner. But you can’t kill what’s dead. Not exactly She’ll be back. Whatever we know, we know that.
The fire wrecked your clever plan to trap me, Stefan points out to Elena, but you and Ric are both better off having me around. You could have let me die, but you didn’t, because you still think I can find my humanity. (I smell a turnaround.) Know how pathetic that makes you? (Oooh, burn!) No, Elena replies, it makes me strong. She stakes him twice in the gut. At last, some coolness this episode!! Stefan can’t help but admire her on his way to his knees. Don’t we all.
Jeremy always wants the one that got away, even unto the grave. Dialing Bonnie, he wants Anna. Now, she can even feel him. “How can I feel you?” Want the dirty answer, Anna, or the metaphysical one?
Honestly, Bonnie and Jeremy are like oatmeal together. Wholesome, but nothing to get excited about seeing. Jeremy and Matt vie for TVD’s most angsty dude invested with the least spine and personality. They both spend their time in the gym, obvy, but they don’t swagger and are constantly being pushed around by the girls they know.
Finally Stefan has joined Damon as a dude of personality and strength. I don’t believe that dick-i-ness is the only way to demonstrate personality, but the writers don’t let these guys high-five much or revel without an instant guilt trip from one of the gals, so a-hole is all that’s left. Therefore, more a-holes, please, because they’re interesting, unlike the doormats that say Welcome to Mystic Falls: Civically Active to Ridiculous Extremes, Very Dangerous to Teens and Property, Depleting of the Scrotal JuJu.
Mysterious breakage at Stefan’s. Oh wait, Uncle Werewolf is BACK! Is there NO one who stays dead? Rebecca came back, Vicki came back, now Michael’s back. Klaus is gone, but he’ll be back. I mean, Mason Lockwood was killed so beautifully, horribly, thoroughly dead, I thought we were safe from that reincarnation at least. Next week, Elena’s parents and Jemma will probably turn up for a family reunion.
Ain’t no party like an MF party. Someone’s getting resurrected!