We are winding down to the final episode—next week!—of True Blood, which may or may not be at trainwreck in the making.
What we do now is that there are spoilers, more spoilers than Sookie has sundresses. So you have been warned, okay?
This penultimate episode begins with the deranged A-Team, aka Bill, Jessica, Eric, and Pam, walking towards Moon Goddess Emporium ready to blow it up with the rocket launcher they have on hand (and we thought having a bottle opener when we needed it was a triumph!). We find out that Lafayette, Jesus, and Sookie were winked inside so they’re trapped with the rest of the people in the building. When Marnie lets everyone know that the vamps outside are about to blow the place to bits, Casey (goth girl) tries to make a run for it, but Marnie/Antonia toss the knife thats lying around into her gut. Yup, Marnie/Antonia just killed their first innocent.
Antonia wrestles herself out of Marnie, to which Lafayette proclaims, “Oh Shit. Marnie just puked a bitch out.” (please by all mean laugh, then read it again and laugh again) He proceeds to interpret the goings-on between Marnie and Antonia, letting everyone fully understand that Marnie is completely crazy and Antonia wants “out” now too. Marnie of course can’t let Antonia—and her powers—get away, so she binds Antonia to her. Yup, they’re all pretty much screwed.
Back outside, Jason runs to stop Jess from actually launching the rocket because Sookie’s inside. He reminds them how many times she’s saved their bacon since she’s known them, and they call off the mission. To which Pam retorts, “Holy shit, gentlemen. Do not tell me that we’re putting the entire species at risk for a gash in a sundress.” Bahaha. Pam’s BACK! *happy dance*
Jessica and her horrible bump-it ponytail stalk off, indifferent, to Jason. But of course Jason has to follow and pester. Just then the two sheriffs who are still under Marnie/Antonia’s control start fighting Bill and Eric.
Meanwhile, Sam and Alcide are still at Marcus’s garage trying to get the packmate there to tell them where Marcus is. They’re beating him up real good, but he won’t budge. Then Luna storms in (looking for Marcus) demanding to know where her daughter is. She’s confused to see Sam there, but seems genuinely upset when he lets her know that Marcus killed Tommy. Homegirl, Tommy basically raped you. You don’t have to be upset that he’s not around anymore.
Marcus is with Debbie still at her and Alcide’s house, and he’s trying to convince her to run away with him. Debbie’s in her underwear and a barely-there tank top, so we’re to assume that they did it. But thankfully they don’t make us witness a sex scene. *shudders* Debbie says she won’t run off with him because she loves Alcide, and that the only reason she slept with Marcus is because Alcide was unfaithful. Marcus lures her back into his lap with talks of a baby and a new town and a new pack.
While the adults are busy upstairs, Luna’s little girl calls her mom’s cell and as soon as Alcide sees the number where she’s calling from he knows he’s in for trouble.
Back at the Moon Goddess Emporium Jesus tricks Marnie, telling her that Casey has a small pulse and takes Casey to the bathroom to “help heal the wound.” As soon as he and Lafayette get in the bathroom he starts to explain that in Casey’s death he can fight to break the bond between Marnie and Antonia. He convinces Marnie he needs some herbs and such to “clean and cauterize” the wound.
While Jesus is gathering supplies, Sookie and Holly are trying to talk reason with Marnie (and she’s just Marnie now. Even Antonia has gone dormant inside the crazy lady). Sookie tries the ’I-know-what-it’s-like-to-be-a-freak’ tactic. And she actually convinces Marnie to negotiate with the vamps instead of killing them.
Meanwhile, Andy is making is way back from camp Bellefleur and he’s gone all “nature retard.” He’s talking to himself. Literally holding a two-sided conversation with himself. And to confuse him further, a fairy pops into oblivion right in front of him. After mistaking him for a vampire, she zaps him unconscious, but later makes it up to him by letting him make love to her. But first Andy had to swear to protect her and the fairy, Morella, made it official by touching her ET glow-in-the-dark finger to his. Andy does make it home and tries to explain what happened to him to Arlene, who convinces him that he’s just coming off the V. I dunno, Andy, I think you might be a fairy baby daddy next season.
Bill and Eric are making quick work of the possessed sheriffs, but when Marnie and Sookie come outside to negotiate and Marnie commands the female sheriff once again, Bill lops her into the forcefield surrounding the shop. The vamp screams and eventually explodes like a giant bug on a semi windshield.
Marnie explains that the only way Sookie can walk free is if Bill and Eric commit suicide on the bug-zapper wall of terror. Of course they accept. Because they’re idiots. But since Pam’s back, she runs to the rocket launcher and lets one go. It doesn’t penetrate the barrier though, and backfires against them all. But Eric and Bill are safe! Well done, Pam. Well done.
Alcide and Sam and Luna arrive at his place, and the men bust in on Debbie and Marcus while Luna takes her daughter to the safety of the car. As soon as Sam takes the first charge at Marcus, Debbie screams “NO!” trying to defend “the insect” to which Alcide pushes her scrawny ass back on the bed, and out of the fight. Yup, Alcide’s pissed that his lady has her naughty bits on display to another wolf.
The scuffle between Marcus and Sam destroys the bedroom but winds down to Sam on Marcus’s throat choking the life out of him. At the last second, Sam lets him up for some reason we have no idea about. But when he turns his back, Marcus goes for the gun on the floor and Alcide jumps him and crushes his windpipe. Debbie’s flipping out in the background (because Alcide’s just killed the alpha I guess, because I don’t understand why she’s flipping out) and then Alcide tells Debbie “I see you no longer. I hunt with you no longer. I share flesh with you no longer.” And leaves. I’ll share flesh with Alcide.
Inside the shop, Jesus is starting to invoke the spell to separate Antonia from Marnie. He warns Lafayette that he’s going very dark and proves it by sticking his finger in the wound and licking the blood clean off.
Outside the emporium, all the vamps are safe, but Pam is in BIG trouble for disobeying her master and launching that rocket. Oh yeah, and Jason was nearly blown to bits. His face is half-charred, but never fear, Jessica is here! She rushes to him with her healing blood and his pretty face is pretty once again.
Marnie gets everyone trapped inside into a circle, telling them she can finish the vamps once and for all. Pam, Bill, Eric, and Jess are being dragged to the forcefield, but Jason is doing his best to drag them back. Finally using those muscles for good! He starts screaming in his head for Sookie to stop Marnie or they’re all going to die. So Sookie does that thing she does with her hands when the writers need an easy out, and she forces everyone from the circle, stopping the spell. Well, that really pisses Marnie off, so she traps Sookie in a burning ring of fire. And traps everyone in the room in freeze motion so they can’t come to her rescue.
Meanwhile, Jesus is busy doing his demon voodoo shenanigans in the bathroom to save them all. After much cutting and full-on demon possession he chants the correct chant and separates Antonia from Marnie. He sends Antonia on her way to the ever after, and it breaks down all of the spells in place, including Sookie’s fire ring and the shield around the shop.
The boys rush in, guns blazing ready to shoot Marnie. But dumb lapdog Roy steps in front to defend her..and Eric rips his heart out of his chest, then Eric takes the left ventricle in his mouth and sucks the still warm blood from the heart before dropping the discarded hunk of meat on the floor. Oh Eric, how we’ve missed you. Bill shoots Marnie a few times in the chest, and once between the eyes for good measure.
While Eric is cleaning up the scene, aka glamoring everyone into forgetting all about it, Jason confesses to Jess that even without all the blood of hers running through him he can’t stop thinking about her. And what should he do about it?
Jesus and Lafayette have returned home to clean up and get some rest. They’re all snuggly in their leopard printed comforter and just after Jesus falls asleep, Lafayette opens his eyes to discover ghost Marnie floating above him, to which he gasps in shock and sucks a bitch in. The End.
Can you believe that next week is the finale already? Will Marnie be the first bad-guy to cross seasons or will Jesus figure out real quick she’s inside Lafayette?
Jessica Turner reviews Urban Fantasy, Paranormal and Sci-Fi Romances on her site The Spinecracker and is a trained chef who lives in San Diego with her very Irish husband.