Previously on The Vampire Diaries... Aunt “Best Roomie and Most Lax Guardian Ever” Jenna (Sarah Canning) went all red-shirt/Ensign Liebowitz on us last episode, sacrificed to help Klaus (Joseph Morgan) transition to were-vamp, a unified form to render him almost invincibly bad-ass. Worst “Didn't Know He Was My” dad John Gilbert (David Anders) did his job as temporary ziploc baggie to keep Elena's soul fresh, and...he's dead, too. Werewolf Jules—dead!
Klaus' Original Vamp brother Elijah (Daniel Gillies), whose hair always evokes Spandau Ballet for me—that's old-school emo—allowed this process to culminate, rather than gack the vulnerable fanged puppy, because Klaus promised to take him to their family's bodies, which Elijah had believed scattered at sea. We'll assume because Originals aren't easy to kill without the wooden stakes of the One Tree Hill, that Elijah thought he could bring his family back to life, because, otherwise, WTF's up with the easy distraction?! Hey, Elijah, there's a squirrel...how about some gum...oh, no, don't worry about killing the most dangerous being on the planet as only you can do and only at this moment. Whatevs. You'll get to it later.
****SPOILERS BELOW****
Now: Last adult Gilbert family members Jenna and John = RIP. Jenna, the nice one, proves so disposable that not even her boyfriend Alaric shed a tear for her this episode. Service was last week. Don't live in the past. Elena (Nina Dobrev) does wander in to look at Jenna's bed linens—I found the comforter pattern sad, too. Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) looks...asleep, perhaps grief makes him drowsy? Damon (Ian Somerhalder) comes to apologize for force-feeding Elena his blood—and this part was ache-y good, so very sorry under his breath—but she can't forgive him, not yet. She doesn't know that Tyler (Michael Trevino) bit him and that the werewolf poison is killing him slowly, like it did Rose, when Damon was the one keeping deathed vigil.
Damon's super senses smell the ugly direction of his short future, and he removes his ring, commencing a quick sear with grillmarks in front of the daylit Salvatore/now-Elena's estate windows. Gets flying-tackled by Stefan (Paul Wesley), who stores him in the basement for his own good and calls for back-up. Ric (Matt Davis) is getting drunk, but not so drunk that he doesn't flirt mildly with the bartender or drive himself across town. To be honest, I enjoyed earlier in the season while he was possessed by Klaus, even though he had a weird Transylvanian accent and the re-fleshed Klaus is a Brit. Anyway, Ric goes to help Damon, of course he does, even after being reminded that Damon was the one who turned his once-beloved wife, now charcoal briquet, Isobel. He's still a good friend. See why I enjoyed him as Klaus?
So, this week's hallucinogen in the Mystic Falls water supply must've been laced with Southern Comfort, because the theme-crazed town that parties away its cares about its many inexplicable dead was gathered to watch Gone with the Wind on the square. The kids are picknicking while Caroline is talking about how their lives are like the movie—sure, Atlanta's burning, but they've triumphed. (Um, except for the still and totally dead, remember?)
Toxic Damon's hallucinating his Civil War times with Katherine, which I think must've been the point of the film festival, but was *meh* for me, unecessary context. I get he likes the rows of shiny buttons on his uniform and a gal in a ball gown. Meanwhile, Stefan gets Bonnie to go back to Witch Mansion for a medical consultation. They give Bonnie a name: Klaus. Back across town zips Stefan to find Katherine with Klaus, who's ready to make a deal. That is, after vengefully killing Elijah (smart going, emo boy). Klaus needs a new lieutenant, and offers his blood, the tonic for Damon's life, in exchange for Stefan's return to being Very Bad Stefan for, say, a decade. Klaus gets Stefan to seal the bargain with a few bags of blood he slurps down like a grade-schooler hitting the Capri Sun.
Sheriff Forbes (Marguerite MacIntyre) busts onto the Salvatore estate, meddling again. Damon escapes her and the basement. Looking well-slung after her trip down the stairs, Mayor Lockwood (Susan Walters) threatens the sheriff for inaction on the vamps. When the sheriff locates Damon again, she shoots slower than a vamp can duck and hits Jeremy with a round in the chest. Caro tries to save him with an infusion of vamp blood. Not enough. Bonnie says they've got to get him to Witch Mansion. Pal Ric helps tote. To persuade the dead witches to assist, bloody-nosed Bonnie cajoles, weeps, confesses her love. Aaaaaaaannnnd Jeremy's okay! Whew. Now the sheriff feels better about her terrible marksmanship and can reconcile herself with her vampy daughter. Hallmark card sweet, but moving on. Where are Matt and Tyler?!
Damon does some weaving around locations here, too, biting Elena in front of the movies, but just a little. She doesn't seem scared for her newly-restored life. You know it's bad when people have to keep saying how dangerous Damon is when out-of-control. He releases the neck he fantasized was Katherine's juicy stem. Nother close call. Whew. Back to Salvatore Central where Elena blots his clammy forehead. There are kind words for Stefan and general tenderness, but it wasn't quite what I wanted somehow. Elena kisses Damon on the deathbed, which is near the scapula, I think. But, to me, it seemed more of a pity thing than passion, no promise or revelation in it, and all the while Damon being so meekly supine as to have lost his yummy mojo. That might just have been me, though. Did that kiss thrill you to your core?
Stefan's done with Klaus' Rh-chugging contest, and the boss gives Katherine a bottle of his new blood-cum-elixir to cure Damon's creeping rot, declaring that he and his new wingman will be leaving town. Dosed on vervain, Katherine could've escaped Klaus' command to deliver the cure to Damon, an order he only gave being certain that once-Ripper Stefan was refueled for savagery and back in villanous fettle. But K doesn't scram without making the prescription drop-off first. Close call—ish number three? Um, whew, then. She tosses the cure, informs Elena and Damon that Stefan's sold out his immediate future with her to swap for Damon's life, and, BTW, says it's okay to love both brothers, because she did. Not actually that feel-good an endorsement, but thanks!
By the finale's end, Jeremy's okay enough for web-conferencing with Bonnie, but seeing ghosts of dead girlfriends. Not sure if I'm squee or yawn on this one yet.
NO Caroline/Tyler/Matt drama. Not At ALL! Bummer!
I have to say, I kept waiting for a BIG moment, and I didn't really get it. There were possibly big moments, but they weren't played that way. So Stefan will leave town, while Damon eventually comforts Elena in her loneliness and we watch Stefan become a monster from a distance? Could be fun, I suppose, but the wheedling doormat Damon better disappear along with his case of werewolf clap, and I better get some angsty Caroline love triangle, because the rest of these couples are leaving me cold at the moment. (No offense to the Mystic Falls citizens who have actually gone cold in the last 2 episodes.)
Still love me some TVD, but this particular one revved me up for action and then dropped me in a motel parking lot with my undies in a bag and NOTHING WORTH REGRETTING!
Is is just my lack of sleep and grouchy demeanor? How did you feel about it?
Clare Toohey can usually be found all around Criminal Element, Women of Mystery, tweeting @clare2e, or looking for a quick transfusion in a hyperbaric chamber.
