Thu
Apr 14 2011 11:30am

What in the—?!: Top 10 Craziest Places to Do the Deed

No One’s Getting Out of Here—Hotel Pamplona in Osaka, JapanOver the past few weeks, I polled writers and readers and asked a question that made the Catholic girl in me turn beet red (Oh, if Sister Saint Joan of Arc were to see me now; I just blessed myself for good measure).

Anywho, this was the question:

What is the most outrageous setting for a sex scene you've read?

The answers will shock you. Well, not all of you, but I—inexperienced romance novel reader that I am—was flabbergasted. My eyes felt dirty after reading, seriously. 

(Where specific books were cited, I note them, but not all contributors recalled the book titles or authors.)

10. In Backstage Pass by Olivia Cunning, the heroine gives a little rub'n'tug to her man while he is riding a motorcycle. Talk about driving under the influence. Not intercourse, per se, but definitely an outrageous place for foreplay. This novel also had some nookie between two rigs and in a public restroom in an airport.

9. A bed. “Wait,” you say, “a bed?” In this instance, there were a minimum of five people in it at all times. Five. Too close for comfort anyone? Party of five? Three’s a crowd? Open a window? (From Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake Series)

A Restaurant in Beijing, China8. A public restroom. Not so outrageous—I was expecting this—but after the whole foot-tapping scandals of late, it is kind of crazy and prolly not the most hygienic. I hope they used the toilet-seat covers and courtesy flushed. Yuck. (Linda Howard's After the Night)

7. A jail. The dude did it with his handcuffs still on. Awkward, and I hope she didn’t get her skin pinched too much. (Jennifer Haymore's A Touch of Scandal)

6. On the ceiling. I kept staring up trying to figure the logistics out on this one. I’m not sure Lionel Richie had this in mind when he wrote “Dancin’ on the Ceiling.” (And my apologies if that song is now stuck in your head.) (Jeaniene Frost, Eternal Kiss of Darkness)

5. On a swing in a dungeon. Black leather, I am sure, played an important role in this scene. I wonder if the equipment was OSHA certified? And the women’s bits were referred to as coral gates. Coral gates? That doesn’t even make sense.

HorseWhoa, Nelly, pump the hooves! Mr. Ed is not a happy camper. I’m sure when PETA hears of this some strongly worded letters will be written to some authors. Numbers four through two are all on horseback. All. Neigh is right!

4. On horseback while trotting through a field on a warm sunny day. Did the horse object and feel so happy and warm with being used as a portable bed? I bet you it wasn’t such a cheerful day for this steed! Get a room already, or least get off his back! And is this technically bestiality or a threesome? Weird. I can’t even, um, have sexy time with the hubby if the dog is in the room. BTW, how can one trot and pump at the same time? Sounds sort of painful. (Sarah McCarty's Sam’s Creed)

3. On horseback while escaping the enemy. This is just ridiculous. How is this even physically feasible? The poor animal is running his tookus off to save your hides while you play hide the sausage? I’m pulling the BS card on this one. So not happening.

2. On horseback while covered in buffalo blood. Well, that’s certainly a horse of a different color all right. I think I just vomited a little in my mouth, excuse me. (Dan Summons's Black Hills)

This one is so crazy it made number one, for me, anyway. These guys must be very strong or the women very tiny, or the author very high.

Can I get a booty roll please...and a hip thrust.... The most outrageous setting for a sex scene is:

Bill Amberg Papoose1. On a hike, in a papoose. A group of hikers have papooses for their women to face them so they can stop, at any time, to be one with mother nature.  Yes, you read correctly: It was a robin’s egg blue papoose, and the chickies sat in it like a Baby Bjorn so his nuts could stay mingled with her granola. (No Mercy by Jaid Black)

That is just all kinds of crazy. If they’re hiking, don’t they have tents? Can you just see this group walking, la-la-la, ladies all hugged up around their men, and bam! he does his business. But what if he really has to do his business? Like number one? That’s kind of awkward. How does she go? Are they naked in there? What season is it? Are they cold? Do they have to stop and reapply sun block? The questions are endless with this one. 

What were the craziest places you ever read about?

Horse image courtesy of katieblench via Flickr


 

Charli Mac, Aspiring Author, Mother, Wife & Part-Time Clown

Twitter @CharliMacs

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14 comments
Regina Thorne
1. reginathorn
Congraulations, you just made me snort tea with #1 :D These are EXACTLY the kinds of questions that I would be asking myself as well (also, there must be a huge size differential between the men and the women because I have to say that my back got tired carrying a 20-lb baby in one of those contraptions so a full-grown woman? While doing the deed? I bet you they have a lot of chiropractors doing a roaring business in that world!)
bungluna
2. bungluna
I've read some of these, but you #1 I couldn't even imagine.
bungluna
3. ksb36
Once, many years ago, my husband and I had "congress" in a racquetball court. I'm kind of proud of that.
Louise Partain
4. Louise321
While your #1 is insane, simply insane, my question is, Charli Mac, where in the world did you get that picture of the men's restroom in Bejiing? How did you find it? That is just so, so not right! And what's going on at the far right basin? Is that AC/DC or just a very short, barefoot, highly round rumped Chinese woman's bottom half?
Carrie Strickler
5. DyslexicSquirrel
I can not for the life of me remember the name of the books, or even WHY I was reading it, but the strangest had to be in a tree. Not a tree house, not against a tree (which seems to be very popular (even one read a scene that happened over a fallen tree)), but actually in a tree balanced on a branch. I had to read it twice, not becasue it was so well written (not that it wasn't, I honestly can't remember), but because I could not believe what I was reading.

Really? And the woman was on the bottom, not wearing pants. If I was her, I would have said, "Hey, you want to do this here? You get the splinters in your butt."

I totally "ew-ed" at the airport bathroom. And I vaguely remember reading a books once with a sex scene on a horse. I think I stopped reading it after that.
bungluna
6. ms bookjunkie
They also do it on a horse in Johanna Lindsey's SAVAGE THUNDER. In case you want to add to the list. *g*
Shyral Hyatt
7. shyhyatt
I have always been fascinated by the book were the couple do it in a musuem during the middle of the day. I don't remember which book but it was one of harlequins series, maybe an Harlequin Intrigue.

(They weren't in one of the beds with the curtains drawn either.)
Jeana Paglialunga
8. jeanamarie
shyhyatt, i recently read that in Passion by Lisa Valdez. it's a historical novel.
Shyral Hyatt
9. shyhyatt
That would be another one example then. I do remember the women was wearing a trench coat and they arrived in a cab.
bungluna
10. Anette
In a Jill Myles book, the beta herione Remy Summore (yes, thats the name - don't ask... Just don't ask, cause you know the answer is naughty *lol*) has the bed polka going while starring in a porn film... Well, I don't know with you, but I sure doesn't want to associate the romance books I read with the deals of porn (even if they are just that... - I remember a certain episode of FRIENDS where a certain book at Rachel's is discovered by Joey about a very horny ... priest??? :P)
bungluna
12. StormyNight
I have to agree with everyone...#1??? I can't figure it out. Were they humans or was this a sci-fi/fantasy romance? I can tell you that I once did the deed in the snow on a moonlit night on a golf course - (OFF season of course). The sensation of the cold fluffy snow on our heated bodies was incredible at first but once our passion had cooled, well, i guess my pun is now intended - 'cause it got COLD! LOL. We also tried out an old "playground" swing - (again, deserted and dark, but this time there was a wonderful summer breeze). I realize this probably earns me some sort of slutty award ...but I prefer the label of "lusty wench" .
bungluna
13. VickiJ
Ooh, I've read #1 - it's an erotic sci-fi/fantasy and the males are all seven-and-a half or more tall!!
bungluna
14. Karen H
I've always been fond of "in the yardarms" that occurred in a Marsha Canham romance years ago. The sensation was supposedly similar to that on horseback where the to-and-fro of the ship in the waves enhanced the pleasure for the couple.

That papoose thing is kind of strange!
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