.jpg "No One’s Getting Out of Here—Hotel Pamplona in Osaka, Japan")
Over the past few weeks, I polled writers and readers and asked a question that made the Catholic girl in me turn beet red (Oh, if Sister Saint Joan of Arc were to see me now; I just blessed myself for good measure).Anywho, this was the question:
What is the most outrageous setting for a sex scene you've read?
The answers will shock you. Well, not all of you, but I—inexperienced romance novel reader that I am—was flabbergasted. My eyes felt dirty after reading, seriously.
(Where specific books were cited, I note them, but not all contributors recalled the book titles or authors.)
10. In Backstage Pass by Olivia Cunning, the heroine gives a little rub'n'tug to her man while he is riding a motorcycle. Talk about driving under the influence. Not intercourse, per se, but definitely an outrageous place for foreplay. This novel also had some nookie between two rigs and in a public restroom in an airport.
9. A bed. “Wait,” you say, “a bed?” In this instance, there were a minimum of five people in it at all times. Five. Too close for comfort anyone? Party of five? Three’s a crowd? Open a window? (From Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake Series)
8. A public restroom. Not so outrageous—I was expecting this—but after the whole foot-tapping scandals of late, it is kind of crazy and prolly not the most hygienic. I hope they used the toilet-seat covers and courtesy flushed. Yuck. (Linda Howard's After the Night)
7. A jail. The dude did it with his handcuffs still on. Awkward, and I hope she didn’t get her skin pinched too much. (Jennifer Haymore's A Touch of Scandal)
6. On the ceiling. I kept staring up trying to figure the logistics out on this one. I’m not sure Lionel Richie had this in mind when he wrote “Dancin’ on the Ceiling.” (And my apologies if that song is now stuck in your head.) (Jeaniene Frost, Eternal Kiss of Darkness)
5. On a swing in a dungeon. Black leather, I am sure, played an important role in this scene. I wonder if the equipment was OSHA certified? And the women’s bits were referred to as coral gates. Coral gates? That doesn’t even make sense.
Whoa, Nelly, pump the hooves! Mr. Ed is not a happy camper. I’m sure when PETA hears of this some strongly worded letters will be written to some authors. Numbers four through two are all on horseback. All. Neigh is right!
4. On horseback while trotting through a field on a warm sunny day. Did the horse object and feel so happy and warm with being used as a portable bed? I bet you it wasn’t such a cheerful day for this steed! Get a room already, or least get off his back! And is this technically bestiality or a threesome? Weird. I can’t even, um, have sexy time with the hubby if the dog is in the room. BTW, how can one trot and pump at the same time? Sounds sort of painful. (Sarah McCarty's Sam’s Creed)
3. On horseback while escaping the enemy. This is just ridiculous. How is this even physically feasible? The poor animal is running his tookus off to save your hides while you play hide the sausage? I’m pulling the BS card on this one. So not happening.
2. On horseback while covered in buffalo blood. Well, that’s certainly a horse of a different color all right. I think I just vomited a little in my mouth, excuse me. (Dan Summons's Black Hills)
This one is so crazy it made number one, for me, anyway. These guys must be very strong or the women very tiny, or the author very high.
Can I get a booty roll please...and a hip thrust.... The most outrageous setting for a sex scene is:
1. On a hike, in a papoose. A group of hikers have papooses for their women to face them so they can stop, at any time, to be one with mother nature. Yes, you read correctly: It was a robin’s egg blue papoose, and the chickies sat in it like a Baby Bjorn so his nuts could stay mingled with her granola. (No Mercy by Jaid Black)
That is just all kinds of crazy. If they’re hiking, don’t they have tents? Can you just see this group walking, la-la-la, ladies all hugged up around their men, and bam! he does his business. But what if he really has to do his business? Like number one? That’s kind of awkward. How does she go? Are they naked in there? What season is it? Are they cold? Do they have to stop and reapply sun block? The questions are endless with this one.
What were the craziest places you ever read about?
Horse image courtesy of katieblench via Flickr
Charli Mac, Aspiring Author, Mother, Wife & Part-Time Clown
Twitter @CharliMacs
