Upstairs Downstairs is back, and we've already featured recaps of Episode 1 and Episode 2. This last episode has no sightings of the Cheeky Monkey, sadly. And there is a Season Two on the horizon; what loose ends will have to be tied up?
As the third and final episode of Upstairs Downstairs opens, the whole house is discussing baby names; specifically, what to name Lady Agnes and Lord Hallam's upcoming bundle of joy. Hector is what the name will be if the baby is a boy, while Lord Hallam's mother Maud assumes the baby would be named after her if it's a girl. Lady Agnes, true to her bitchy course, immediately asks why the baby wouldn't be named after her mother. Huh. I would have thought Lady Agnes was spawned from fire or something.
Let's hope the baby is a boy. Although Hector Hallam sounds like—well, as much of a dud as his father is. But on the other hand, Lord Hallam is definitely manning up as the season continues, so maybe that's not accurate.
Meanwhile, Lady Agnes's sister, Lady Persie, is still continuing her mad affair with Harry, the family chauffeur (and resident hottie!). Lady Persie's behavior is putting her in the running for Most Unpleasant Female Character on Upstairs, Downstairs, which is a remarkable feat, given how awful Lady Agnes is.
And speaking of Lady Agnes, she spends most of the episode having an enormous baby bump and moaning about how she feels, and how she can't take anything at this time. Like having the German Jewish daughter of her now deceased upstairs maid living in the house. How dare she not have some German Jewish relative's house to go to, you'd think they had all been killed or something! Oops.
The housemaid, Ivy, has taken Lotte under her wing, and is showing her all sorts of games, in which Lotte doesn't participate. Lotte, in fact, has stopped speaking, and she doesn't seem to respond to anything. Modern folks understand she's been traumatized by her mother's death, but 1936-type folks just encourage her to talk.
Remember menacing German rake Herr Ribbentrop from Upstairs Downstairs Episode 1? He's the guy they had to manufacture a way to remove from the party, so they had Johnny, Footman-in-Training, drop a tray of drinks on him. Well, maybe the Herr heard Lady Persie is hot to trot, because he phones her up out of the blue and puts his flirtation on. His flirtation is to ask if she's learned any more Marlene Dietrich songs. Ooh, way to sweet-talk a gal, Herr!
Making the only sensible decision she's made the entire series, Lady Persie hangs up on him. Instead of being put out by this, however, we get a shot of him chuckling as he replaces the phone on the receiver. In an 'I'll get you yet, my pretty' kind of way. Ugh.
Meanwhile, the downstairs staff has to replace the now deceased maid, and Cook complains, “I didn’t come here to be scrubbing my own turnips.” At least they're not having beets, that juice gets all over your hands and stains them.
Lady Agnes is beside herself because Cecil Beaton, the very famous photographer, is coming to photograph the family. If she weren't so entirely unpleasant, I might feel excited for her, too.
Lotte Drama continues; she has impetigo, which for Lady Agnes just confirms that she's a dirty child who does not belong in her house. Hallam asks Mr. Amanjit to try to find Lotte's relatives, and Lady Agnes thinks that if any are found, that Lotte will be sent to them, but no, Hallam says he intends to get Lotte's relatives out of Germany. Hallam is manning up!
Lotte continues playing with the marbles from Episode 2. The poignant metaphor of her situation is not lost on Hallam, thank goodness. Because imagine if Agnes had her way? Lotte would be Reich-bound the same day.
Lady Persie speculates what would happen if Harry the driver were to sneak up to her room for their sexual shenanigans; he says he doesn't want to get caught, while Persie just wants to see her sister's face if they did. These two do not have the same goals.
Lady Agnes finds a photograph of Hallam with his dead sister, Pamela. She brings it to Hallam's attention, whereas last episode she was all, “I don't wanna discuss anything unpleasant, blah, blah, blah.” Now, apparently, she does want to talk about her. Hallam talks about how his parents had sent Pamela back to England (from India, I think), and she died on the return journey. Agnes becomes uncharacteristically introspective, saying,
“Lotte makes me feel something is circling my house; tapping on the window, like a bird’s beak, or a branch.”
Maybe it's the circling guilt you should be feeling because you want to send a traumatized mute kid back to Germany where certain death awaits? Just saying, Lady Agnes.
Cecil Beaton is in da house, apparently, and there is, as Pritchard says, a “contretemps regarding pastel tones.” Not only does Lady Persie have to change, she has to wear different lipstick. Poor aristocracy! No wonder Lady Persie wants a socialist revolution.
Lady Persie goes to find Harry, and is clearly piqued to find him with Lotte. He says he didn't know she was coming down, and she should alert him if she needs the car in the future. “Why do you keep telling me the rules?” she asks. He makes a pointed remark about how she hasn't learned them yet.
Cook sneaks in to where the photo is being set up, and begins talking about what a genius Beaton is to a strange man who's coincidentally in the room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the strange man is Beaton. Meanwhile, Beaton is charmed by her, and sets her up to photograph. Cook makes a cook-like analogy of what Beaton does in setting up the photographs to her meringues, reminding us that she is, indeed, a cook. When Cook does figure out who he is, she gets all giddy and cute, and returns to the kitchen flushed and not telling the staff where she's been.
Lady Persie lays in wait for Harry. In his bedroom. In his dressing gown. She calls him out on his lack of commitment to the movement, and he confirms that he's changed:
“I’ve seen the result of those beliefs. In this house. I have to live with that.”
“You’ve changed your tune.”
“I’ve changed.”
He holds the door for her. Most succinct break-up ever.
Lady Persie flounces onto the sofa in her dressing gown. Picks up the phone to call—wait, is it German guy? It has to be! Yup. It is. Ooh, German guy has a nice chest. He’s in bed with someone, but it's obvious his bed partner is just a hook-up.
The Duke of Kent stops by to see Hallam, claiming he's run out of cigarettes. My gaydar is going off like mad, and then I did some googling; not only was HRH the Duke of Kent an equal opportunity kind of guy (affairs with men and women, and reportedly some menage action), he was a morphine and cocaine addict! Sadly, in this episode, he's just pretty and worried about his older brother, the King, who seems to be heading for an abdication because he wants to marry the many-divored Mrs. Wallis-Simpson.
Kent asks Hallam to host a dinner party where they can talk to a big newspaper editor who's also got Wallis-Simpson's ear. Dinner party ahoy! I bet the gowns will be nice-looking.
Mr. Amanjit gets a response to his letter which basically says Lotte has no other living relatives besides her Jewish father, currently in German jail for Communist leanings. Poor Agnes.
Mr. Beaton sends Cook her photograph; she looks at it, and declares, “I could be aristocracy!” This makes Miss Buck peeved.
Cook and Hallam meet about the dinner party. Hallam looks as though the last thing he wants to do is discuss the menu; why'd he call her, then? It sounds as though it's tasty, though. And Hallam says everybody loves steak. Can't argue with that. Miss Buck complains about the dinner decisions; everything on the menu is brown! So Lady Agnes and Miss Buck get down and dirty with the menu, and Miss Buck chews Cook out, whereupon the two of them have a nasty fight, with Cook telling Miss Buck her former employers didn't care for her, and Miss Buck taking Cook's Beaton photograph and holding it near the fire...but just tucks it in a drawer. I have to say, I was hoping Miss Buck would toss it in, if only to cause some plot action that wasn't resolved within the course of the episode.
The ruckus causes Mr. Pritchard (whose name is pronounced 'pritch-ARD') to have a headache. I've got a headache, too, because of the background music, which sounds like it's from a carousel. Indicating the argument is a meaningless fun thing? Kind of minimizing the conflict. I don't appreciate that.
Hey, we found out something useful this episode: Solomon is the monkey’s name. He's not invited to the dinner party, but Maud is, and she is almost as inappropriate; she brings up the subject of the King's relationship, which makes Hallam get testy. Please, Hallam, that's why everyone has been invited! Hallam's diplomatic skills are definitely lacking. He's about as diplomatic as cherry-stealing Solomon.
Hold the phone! Temper tantrum Johnny, the Footman-in-Training with the anger issues, is lurking at the back door, and Ivy, the housemaid, is giving him food. When Mr. PritchARD discovers it, at first he seems like he's going to be a hardass and get Ivy in trouble, but then he invites Johnny into the kitchen for hot food, not the cold stuff Ivy's been giving him.
Yes, Agnes’s frock is gorgeous: Black and white. I just tried to find a picture of it, choosing a variety of search terms, but all that resulted were pix of that first gold gown Agnes wore and some naughty maid outfits. Go figure.
The dinner party continues, with the guests discussing whether or not the king and Mrs. Kingdomwrecker (that's Wallis-Simpson, to you) would agree to a morganatic marriage, which basically means he could stay King, but she wouldn't be Queen, and their children together couldn't inherit the title.
After the party, Hallam is lying in bed, perturbed for some reason, while Agnes sleeps besides him. He's looking at the Pamela photo. He hears Lotte screaming, runs out and finds her in the hall. He drops to his knees and hugs her. Hallam, you big lug!
Agnes also wakes up and comes into the hall. She notices Lotte has peed on the carpet, and announces to everyone (most of the staff has now assembled) that she isn’t sure she can bear it; Ivy says they’re bearing it, so basically stick a sock in it, woman.
When Lotte is returned to her bedroom—Hallam carries her—only Maud and Agnes remain, and at first it seems as though Maud is going to have a few choice words for Agnes, but she contains herself to just one Speaking Glance. Ouch. That glance hurt.
Ivy is worried Lotte’ll be put in an orphanage. And she should know how bad they are, that's how they found Ivy!
Wait! German rake has arrived, apparently at Lady Persie's invitation. They get all cozy on the couch, and he asks her to call him by his given name, which sounds to me as though it's “YourHim.” I think it's Joachim, since I went and looked him up (he's a real guy), but it doesn't sound like that. I will have to ask a German friend to pronounce his name for me. Oh, and yes, before you ask, German friends LOVE it when you ask them about Nazi Germany and proper pronunciation.
Because of all the rumpus, Maud wants to take Lotte to a home. A home for crazy people, which should terrify anybody who knows anything about the history of mental illness. Agnes is all for it, of course, as long as it gets her out of the house.
The staff doesn't want to let Lotte go, but they have no choice, so they pack her things up; Ivy wants to give Lotte her mother’s nightdress. Which smells like Ivy. That's very sweet.
They bundle the still-mute girl into the car, and she and Maud drive off, with the whole staff watching. That is one sad moment. Poor Lotte.
At work, Hallam is getting a Royal (pun intended!) chewing-out because his bosses have been monitoring Herr Ribbentrop's movements and phone calls, and Ribbentrop has been visiting Hallam's house—unbeknownst, of course, to Hallam. Hallam goes home with head full of steam to get his house in order.
Only to find that Lotte has been sent away without his knowledge, and his mother won't tell him where she's gone. But maybe Hallam is getting better at being a spy-type, because he figures it out, and heads to the clinic.
He's told in which room to find her, and he heads up the stairs, and then suddenly, everything goes slo-mo, and you know Something Really Important is about to happen. The first thing Hallam sees in the room is a bureau-full of photographs of him and his parents. Sitting on the bed, with his back to him, is a woman, who turns around.
It's Pamela. His 'I was told she was dead' sister. Who has Down's Syndrome.
The woman brings Lotte to the room, and says there's been a mistake. No mistake, Hallam replies.
Of course, Hallam is livid at the discovery. And he still has to deal with his sister-in-law, who solves all his problems by telling him she's headed off to Berlin.
Ooh, ice world; former lover, current chauffeur calls her the very-formal Lady Persephone. And they say they have nothing to say to each other (except 'put the bags in the car, I'm late').
The entire household listens to the king's speech, not the one with Colin Firth, but the one where the king abdicates for love. It'd be romantic if the two parties just didn't seem so snooty and unlikeable.
Agnes is all sweaty in her bathroom. Ruh-roh! Inconvenient delivery time, what say? She rings the bell, but because no-one is downstairs—they're all listening to the wireless—nobody hears her.
But wait! Maud hears her, and comes in to help. Agnes clutches Maud's sleeve and sweats more. That lovely peach peignoir will never be the same. And then Mr. PritchARD hears the sounds, and taps on the door, asking if he can be of assistance. Maud says yes, he comes in, and it turns out he knows a lot about birthin' babies, and in fact—in my favorite line from this episode—says,
“Blood panics most people; when I see it, I calm down.”
Maud goes for help, and PritchARD gets down to helping Maud give birth, which she does in a matter of moments. It's a boy!
The boy's name is Hector Greville Hallam. Nobody seems to think this is a very good choice, but whatever, maybe Agnes will finally stop moaning and clutching her belly. Doubt it, but it could happen.
TheDuke of Kent is crying on the phone to Hallam about his abdicating brother, and how angry he is at him:
“It’s finished, and I don’t know where to start...The love doesn’t stop. There’s no forgiveness, love is just—it’s unbearable."
In an almost laughably obvious moment, Hallam sees he has to forgive his mother for her treatment of Pamela. The two have a talk, and Maud says that children were sent to England so they didn’t die. It was a badge of honor, at one point. Hallam has a cute grey shirt on. Maud continues,
It dawns gradually, the knowledge that a child is not like others. It took time to accept that she must be put away.
That is what people did in previous generations, so we can't judge Maud too harshly.
Hallam now owes PrichARD, who makes his favor that Johnny be rehired! My first thought is not hooray, but is 'when will someone piss him off and the good china will end up in someone's neck?' Clearly, I am not a good soul.
Cook and Miss Buck make up. Because it's Christmas, and there's a new baby, and Pamela AND Lotte are back at 165 Eaton Place. And Temper Tantrum Johnny gets to put the star on the tree. Aww.
This is called a drama, but there's not a lot of drama going on; there were some nice moments, it was good to see Hallam not wuss out with either his mother or his wife, but all in all, it wasn't satisfyingly juicy (like that Hallam steak) the way Downton Abbey is: All the conflicts are resolved within the same episode, Lady Agnes is truly unlikeable, but everybody else seems fairly okay. I mean, not like I want to hang out with PritchARD, or anything, but he'd be okay. From what I could gather, it seems as though there will be a Season Two for this show. To which all I can say is: Meh.
Megan Frampton is the Community Manager, Romance, for the Heroes and Heartbreakers site. She lives in Brooklyn, NY, with her husband and son, and wishes Clive Owen would make a decent film again.
