*******SPOILERS*******

I could sum up this entire episode in fewer than two words: APPLES! Alas, you all come here for a recap, so sit back and enjoy. *Yawns*

The episode starts out in a dream sequence that has Regina tied to a tree by the entire town of Storybrooke; she pleads for Henry to not let them do this to her but Henry counters with she did it to herself. Just as Emma is about to kill her (so we assume) with a sword, Regina wakes up. She walks over to Henry’s room to make sure he is there, and assumes he is because she really doesn’t check carefully, and it’s a pillow stuffed under the covers.

(Need to catch up? Check out previous Once Upon a Time recaps: Episode 15 |Episode 16 | Episode 17 | Episode 18 | Episode 19 | Episode 20)

Henry is with Emma and she plans for them to leave Storybrooke in her little VW, until Henry finds out what she plans to do and pleads with her not to leave that she is the town’s only hope. Emma doesn’t listen and keeps driving, so Henry being the intelligent child that he is, grabs the wheel and they end up in a ditch…unhurt, amazingly enough.

[Well, this *is* Storybrooke, after all...]

*******SPOILERS*******

After a few weeks without Once Upon a Time, we finally get back to the “who the hell is The Stranger, aka August Booth” storyline. We kick the episode off with August in bed having some sort of a leg spasm, and he twitches so hard he falls out of bed. Alas, that doesn’t knock him out bad enough, so he staggers over to place a call to someone (we never do find out who) and says that the plans need to move faster (again, we still have no idea by the end what the “plans” are).

He ends up meeting up with Henry in hopes they can get Emma to believe that they are all fairy tale characters faster and to get a welcome home gift for Mary Margaret at Mr. Gold’s. Henry walks in and provides a distraction so that August can sneak into Mr. Gold’s backroom to look for something. Too bad he isn’t as stealthy as he thought he was, because Gold catches him. August makes some excuse about thinking that he was in the front of the store and not the back, but Gold is on to him.

(Need to catch up? Check out previous Once Upon a Time recaps: Episode 13 | Episode 14 | Episode 15 |Episode 16 | Episode 17 | Episode 18)

[In which The Stranger gets even stranger...]

J.R. Ward 
Lover Reborn
NAL, $27.95/digital $14.99, Mar. 27, 2012

Ever since the death of his shellan, Tohrment has been unrecognizable from the vampire leader he once was. Physically emaciated and heartbroken beyond despair, he has been brought back to the Brotherhood by a self-serving fallen angel. Now, fighting once again with ruthless vengeance, he is unprepared to face a new kind of tragedy.

When Tohr begins to see his beloved in his dreams—trapped in a cold, isolated netherworld far from the peace and tranquillity of the Fade—he turns to the angel in hopes of saving the one he has lost. But because Lassiter tells him he must learn to love another to free his former mate, Tohr knows they are all doomed....

Except then a female with a shadowed history begins to get through to him. Against the backdrop of the raging war with the lessers, and with a new clan of vampires vying for the Blind King’s throne, Tohr struggles between the buried past and a very hot, passion-filled future…but can his heart let go and set all of them free?

It’s finally that time—you’re all probably sitting comfortably with a copy of Lover Reborn today, ready to discover Tohr’s story. But what you do need to have handy in addition to the book is one jumbo box of Kleenex. I admit to crying more then once while reading; at one point I had to put the book down and compose myself. Seriously, be warned and get that box of tissues ready!

[Take that moment. Okay. Ready?...]

This week’s episode starts with Mary Margaret running through the woods; yeah that was it, just a quick scene of her running. Okay then.

(Need to catch up? Check out previous Once Upon a Time recaps: Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14 | Episode 15 | Episode 16)

We then have Henry waiting for Emma at the police station—she arrives with Mr. Gold. Henry talks privately with Emma about how the “escape plan” was such a great idea, too bad Emma didn’t know Mary has turned escapee.  Of course Emma takes off to find Mary, driving her old skool VW bug through the woods in the fog. All of the sudden a guy appears, she can’t stop fast enough and he dives into the ditch. She stops the car and helps him up, and Natasha’s jaw hits the sofa bottom. HELLO HOTTIE! Finally! Another hottie to replace the former Sheriff! His name is Jefferson; he’s limping so Emma drives him home.

[Excellent decision, Emma...]

Talk about dragging out a storyline! Once again, this week’s episode focuses on David/Mary Margaret and Snow/Charming. Charming and Red set out to find Snow, even though we have little clue how Red met up with Charming to begin with. Right as they set out, King George’s knights come to get them, but Red goes all alpha wolf and eats them up while Charming escapes.

Meanwhile, Snow is still living with the seven dwarves and is singing away cleaning in her bedchambers when a blue parrot appears. Snow goes psycho bitch and tries to brain the bird with a broom; thankfully Grumpy comes in and distracts her, and the bird gets out safely.

(Need to catch up? Check out previous Once Upon a Time recaps: Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14 | Episode 15)

[Snow White, would-be killer of birds?!...]

What first drew me into Once Upon a Time was seeing Little Red Skanking Hood in the first episode. I knew I had to stick with the show just to get her back-story, regardless of how bored I might become (and I have been!). I was hella excited to be the one recapping this episode for you all!

Let’s start out with the blah parts for me: David, Katherine and Mary Margaret’s love triangle.  We all know Katherine is still missing, and David is the prime suspect.  Emma is investigating, but because they can’t find Katherine, technically no crime has been committed thus David can’t be arrested.

(Need to catch up? Check out previous Once Upon a Time recaps: Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14)

Mary Margaret, of course, can’t just sit still and sets out to find Katherine herself; apparently she’s better than the police at this point. The whole running into David in the woods in my opinion was cheese; all of the sudden he’s having blackouts again but was fine the entire time Katherine was around?

[The neverending story...]

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

This morning’s Today show discussed E.L. James’s book Fifty Shades of Grey, and the Fifty Shades trilogy in general.

There’s so much wrong with what was said. Where do we start?

[Rants on their way! Full steam ahead!]

We are coming up on the start of Season Five of True Blood debuting this summer.

If you have memory issues like I do, click here to see my recap of True Blood’s Season Four Finale. 

There, feel like you just went through it all again? Still angry from the events of last season? Moving right along, I present you with my list of demands.

After last season’s weird-ass finale, I have a list of thing that I would like to see happen and things I wished would stop happening. There were so many things that should have happened last season and didn’t, or things that shouldn’t have happened and did….like Tara getting capped, Jesus kicking the bucket, and Rene’s ghostly return.

[Let’s get back on track, shall we?...]

*******SPOILERS*******

In the past, there is a beautiful horse drawn carriage that pulls up to the King (Charming’s “father”) and Princess Abigail steps out to speak with him before her wedding. What the King doesn’t want to tell her is that Charming is missing and he has sent his guards out to bring him back. But Charming outsmarts them by jumping over a fallen tree on his horse. Umm, why the hell can’t the guards jump the tree? Are their horses’ legs different from Charming’s horses’ legs? Anyway, Charming ends up getting captured by another set of guards.

(Need to catch up? Check our our previous Once Upon a Time recaps:
Episode 1| Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12)

Present time, David is with Katherine having dinner when she tells him not only did she apply to law school in Boston, she was accepted and asks him to move with her to start a new life.

[Time to make a move, David...]

*****SPOILERS*****

Tonight’s episode starts in the present, with Henry riding to the castle playground area on his bike to meet Emma. They notice the storm from last week has damaged the castle and Emma vows to have it fixed. Henry then starts to dig in the sand; he’s been hiding the Once Upon a Time book from Regina in the park, but when he finally gets to the spot, the book is still there. Regina shows up because Henry has an appointment with Archie he is going to be late for. Regina gives Emma hell, as usual.

(Need to catch up? Check our our previous Once Upon a Time recaps:
Episode 1| Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10)

Back at the house, Emma tells Mary Margaret what happened, but Mary gets a text from David telling her to meet him and she cuts the conversation short. Sidney ends up coming to speak with Emma about Regina; he’s half in the bag and says he knows how to take Regina down.

[Let the plotting ensue!...]

Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
St. Martin’s Press, $23.99/$10.99 digital, January 31, 2012

Paranormal private eye. Grim reaper extraordinaire. Whatever. Charley Davidson is back! And she’s drinking copious amounts of caffeine to stay awake because, every time she closes her eyes, she sees him: Reyes Farrow, the part-human, part-supermodel son of Satan. Yes, she did imprison him for all eternity, but come on. How is she supposed to solve a missing persons case, deal with an ego-driven doctor, calm her curmudgeonly dad, and take on a motorcycle gang hellbent on murder when the devil’s son just won’t give up?

In novels there are all types of funny; there’s the “ha ha” funny, you know the kind that’s in-between “yeah that was funny” and an LOL. Then there’s the fake LOL, you do it everyday on Twitter and Facebook when something is supposed to be funny but you don’t get it, so you LOL in hopes no one calls you on it. But the best kind of funny, at least in my opinion, is LMAO, snarky, self-deprecating humor and we get that full on in Darynda Jones’s Third Grave Dead Ahead.

[LMFAO takes that to a whole ’nother level, huh?...]

********SPOILERS********

This week’s episode, “True North,” starts with Henry in a store reading a comic book when Ava, a little girl from school, introduces herself to him. She asks if Henry wants to hang out with her and her brother, Nicolas, but when they go to leave the store the clerk stops them. He accuses Henry of stealing; turns out the two kids stole candy and planted it on poor Henry.

(Need to catch up? Check our our past Once Upon a Time Recaps:
Episode 1| Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8)

[Into the forest we go...]

“My, sir, your penis is, umm...HUGE.”

If you’re on Twitter with any regularity, you know fellow readers are always tweeting lines from books you wouldn’t ordinarily read or have a clue about. That happened to me a few days ago; my friend Mandi Schreiner happened to tweet about a book she was reading, and I have to confess my legs immediately went into lockdown mode.

Mandi was reading Assume the Position by T.C. Lee, an erotica about a cop with a super peen. You’re all going, “Which erotica character doesn’t have a huge peen?,” but let me explain. Officer Alex Shaw has a bit of a problem, he’s never “fully” been inside of a woman; his penis is just THAT big.

[What ever happened to that saying about the “motion of the ocean”?...]

Natasha and Tori have offered their Steampunk Holiday Gift Guide and their Werewolf Holiday Gift Guide; now they turn their thoughts to what to get people who like their heroes tall, dark, and undead: Vampires.

Tori: Nat and I have toiled and slaved countless hours looking for the perfect gifts to make your holiday shopping easier. Vampires are a special breed and their fans deserve a little extra special “bite” to their gifts.

Tori: This pewter coffin ring screams “take me!!!“ Ok, maybe it just screams that to me. Either way, any self-respecting vampire lover will be screaming if they open this on Christmas Day.

[Sink your teeth into more ideas...]

We have another list of holiday gifts for you! This time we’re finding gift for the werewolf in your life. From hair removal to kick-ass high heels, we have you covered this holiday season.

Natasha: Of course you have to give your werewolf the perfect gag gift, and this is just perfectly snarky.

Tori: *snicker* When you care enough to make fun of them. I think Patricia Briggs’s Adam would need an XXXXXXL.

Natasha: If you love your werewolf, and money isn’t an object, you can get them the world’s most expensive shaver. Seriously. They’d appreciate it.

Tori: For that price, it should shave you, give you a mani/pedi, and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. I’d buy one for Wolverine if he’d let me *ahem* help.

[Still stumped? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet...]

It’s that time of year again, where you spend countless hours looking for parking at the mall. You stress about what to get your fellow book fiends for the holidays. Well, look no further! Looking for something to get your favorite fan of Steampunk? Tori and I have searched (and maybe bought a few things) to find you the best gifts for those who like a little clock in their work.

Natasha: A Steampunk outfit is incomplete without a wicked chapeau, and this is one of the most beautiful hats I’ve come across in my shopping travels. Wouldn’t you love to wake up to this under your tree?

[Unwrap more gift ideas...]

********SPOILERS********

Last night’s episode started out with a dart; okay, so Sheriff Hottie Pants was throwing darts in a bar. Emma comes into the bar and totally ignores him, so he throws a dart that lands shockingly close to her face. Graham says Emma’s been avoiding him because of his sneaky sneak out of the Mayors house. Emma assures him that’s not the case and it’s really none of her business. That’s when he lays a big honking hiss on her (swoon). Said kiss triggers a flashback, but when he comes back to reality, he tells Emma he just wanted to feel something. Make that two of us.

(Need to catch up? Check our our past Once Upon a Time Recaps
Episode 1| Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6)

He ends up going to Regina’s house and kisses her too (the dirty dog!).

[His heart may be lonely, but his lips certainly aren’t...]

****Episode Spoilers Below****

I have to say right off the bat that this was my favorite episode of Once Upon a Time! It was beautifully done, and the visuals were awesome.

But I had one issue. Of course Emma is rocking one of those damn motorcycle leather jackets again, this time in dried blood brown. Would someone please either get her a new style jacket or a motorcycle? She’s driving a busted up yellow car, yet somehow manages to rock these leather jackets in a rainbow of horrific colors. Okay, I’m done.

(Need to catch up? Check our our past Once Upon a Time Recaps
Episode 1| Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4)

[On to the spoiler-y goodness...]

The first Squick Word post just won’t die (Squick Me Out! Words Not to Use in Moments of Passion) comments keep being posted, and some evil beings continue to email me passages of books with the M word in it!

Go figure, it all started out with the word “moist.” *vomits* I scoured my recent reads for months and jotted down words that made me feel dirty inside. It took ages, but I finally have enough to disgust you all.

The slightest word can pull me right out of a story and make me cackle like nobody’s business—which is also when I scribble said word down in my trusty “Squick Word” notebook (seriously) so I can share them with you all. The following words are honest-to-goodness words I have come across in my reading this year.

Animals– Any use of animal in reference to body parts, sounds or food products used during sex really gross me out. Specifically “Fishy” “Meaty” “Porked” or “Tube Steak,” yes, they’re funny as hell, but they are NOT sexy. Tuna seems to be a favorite of some erotica authors, and I can tell you, it turns me off faster then a group of Bieber look-alikes.

[Think you’re grossed out now? Read on...]