Even if you’re a romance fan who doesn’t like football—and with all those muscles and tight pants on display, it’s hard for me to fathom why—the guys playing in this Sunday’s Super Bowl XLVI in Indianapolis are more than just Patriots or Giants. By Lombardi, they’re also romance heroes!

In a romance, it’s the combination of a hero’s personality, obstacles, and the way he fights through them that makes us want to cheer. Without following the sport’s Xs and Os, there’s still a lot of human drama to appreciate, and for better or worse, because these guys are public figures, we find out about it. Here’s just a smattering from both team rosters, displaying enough heroic types and tales (plus bonus siblings for you brother-lovers) to make any heart beat faster.

[This is our kind of sports talk! Are there buff guys ahead?...]

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Some crazy stuff went down in Mystic Falls. We’re sure you’re shocked.

(Need to catch up? Visit our TVD recap index for links to past episode recaps.)

Now, on to this week’s recap of TVD 3.06, “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” 

*******SPOILERS BELOW*******

Wakey-Wakey, little blood donor.  Now, with even fake-mom Aunt Jenna gone, do you wonder who does all the Gilbert linens? Shouldn’t their picture-perfect house be covered with dust? Elena doesn’t clean!

She should, however, be a pro at vamp-hole cover-up makeup, having seen now-dead-reporter-and fake-Damon’s-girlfriend work it for the cameras.  (I suppose given this week’s events, maybe she isn’t really dead either, though she’s gonna need serious pancake makeup.  Get it?  Pancake? Because she fell to her death?  I kid the deceased, because they never seem to stay that way in Mystic Falls.) Later, Elena will default to an awkward-looking scarf, though she never wears them.  Subtle!

[Has it really only been a year in TVD land?...]

Some may argue that the Potter stories aren’t romance.  They’re certainly not traditional, adult ones, but here comes my big However.

Over the course of 7 books and 8 movies of bildungsroman, we’re following the natural evolution and maturation wherein young wizards’ and witches’ thoughts turn to love, not to mention witnessing various adult relationships and even marriages.  There are plots and subplots of normal teenage drama in parallel with the paranormal, saving-the-world-sized drama, and that’s part of the charm of the characters and the books.  So, as I approached the final film, there was, I’ll admit, a certain sense of anticipation where the major characters and their romances are concerned.  After seeing the movie, I felt shorted. Too brisk, too distant, too superficial.  Only one of the film’s three relationship moments didn’t let me down.

You know, in order to rant properly, I may have to be Spoilery McSpoilerson!

[Ranting ahead, and SPOILERS!]

Named for Harlequin’s UK arm. Via the Daily Mail:

...But the ‘rose-tinted’ novels are damaging modern relationships, a leading psychologist claims.

The genre may still account for almost half the novels bought, but its idealised love and sex give readers false expectations, insists relationships expert Susan Quilliam.

And although the stories can be enjoyable and fun, they encourage unreal expectations of a life of unbridled passion and trouble-free pregnancies, she added...

(So true! The last one I read made me believe I’d grow longer, stronger nails in just 7 days. )  Further, according to a TV agony aunt, “A huge number of the issues we see in clinics and therapy rooms are influenced by romantic fiction.” Yes, indeedy, and a huge amount of the stupidity I confront on a daily basis radiates from people who’d mistake advice columns for questions from real people, not sock puppets (interns) writing as Fergus from Ferngully. Quick, there’s a house fire, I’ve swallowed poison, my Aunt Fanny has a giant pain—write the advice columnist and twiddle!  Also mentioned, most usefully, is how condom-hostile romance readers are.  Um.... it’s only implied, however, that their/your/our sex ed is pretty lacking. Nevertheless, you will be relieved to know:

“I’m not arguing all romantic fiction is misguided, wrong or evil,” said Miss Quilliam.

Whew!  Read it all, and feel free to do a spit take and snort with your coffee, because this article stinks to me like pernicious linkbait.  What do you think?

If you didn’t know there was a World Testicle & Aphrodisiac Cooking Championship, then you may doubly suprised to hear that this Royal Pair (don’t think it, you naughty things) will be the objects of dedication for the competing chefs. The author of Cooking with Balls advises that cooked testicles are mineral-rich to aid the couple’s fertility and conception.  So, bone appetít!

Romantic suspense comes in many different flavors, and its taste has changed over the years. While we’re not here to tell you what is the Best, one of the most popular styles of mass-market/e-book romantic suspense is priced for easy consumption, delivering high-octane action, romance with spice, and dangerous mayhem based upon the Heroic Rescue of a Woman in Jeopardy. Does that last part twang a little old-school for a contemporary plot? Well, this Twila Twenty-First Century (think Thoroughly Modern Millie, only with Internet access) finds a lot to applaud in these modern updates to the Perils of Pauline.

1) Smart Women. Simpering and screaming from a rail tie is pretty ineffectual, but these heroines have education, professional lives, and a range of accomplishments. They contribute equal intellectual horsepower, and occasionally, body counts to the mystery's resolution.

[And then there are those badass heroes...]

Previously on The Vampire Diaries... Aunt “Best Roomie and Most Lax Guardian Ever” Jenna (Sarah Canning) went all red-shirt/Ensign Liebowitz on us last episode, sacrificed to help Klaus (Joseph Morgan) transition to were-vamp, a unified form to render him almost invincibly bad-ass. Worst “Didn't Know He Was My” dad John Gilbert (David Anders) did his job as temporary ziploc baggie to keep Elena's soul fresh, and...he's dead, too. Werewolf Jules—dead!  

Klaus' Original Vamp brother Elijah (Daniel Gillies), whose hair always evokes Spandau Ballet for me—that's old-school emo—allowed this process to culminate, rather than gack the vulnerable fanged puppy, because Klaus promised to take him to their family's bodies, which Elijah had believed scattered at sea.  We'll assume because Originals aren't easy to kill without the wooden stakes of the One Tree Hill, that Elijah thought he could bring his family back to life, because, otherwise, WTF's up with the easy distraction?! Hey, Elijah, there's a squirrel...how about some gum...oh, no, don't worry about killing the most dangerous being on the planet as only you can do and only at this moment.  Whatevs.  You'll get to it later.

[Be warned! Henceforth, SPOILERS and opinions gush with arterial force!...]

WikiHow is great for things like How to Tile a Bathroom Floor or even How to Choose a Good Office Plant. But How to Write a Love Poem? Really? And...does it work?!

Obviously, we had to find out. And by “we,” I really mean, “my coworker Clare.” Here's what she took away from the article, step by step:

Step 1: FIRST SIGHT, LOVE FEELINGS, TOGETHERNESS

When I first saw you , I really liked your pants.  My stomach feels weird when I’m near you.  Being together, I know it’s forever.

Step 2: ADD STRONG VERBS, PRONOUNS, AND SENSORY DETAIL 

When I first spied you, Gerome, I coveted your sparkly jeans.  My stomach heaves like crazy when I smell you.  Being together and warm, I know it’s forever.

Steps 3-4: ADD A METAPHOR

When I first spied you, Gerome, your sparkly jeans fit you like sequined banana peels.  My stomach heaves like nausea at the violence of your scent, because ripe fruit does that to me.  Together and warm now, forever,  it’s like we’re wearing the same skin.

Steps 5-9: REFINE, LINE BREAKS, FROM THE HEART 

Spied on you / Gerome Sparkly Jeans / with your Sequined Banana / Heaves, Nausea, Violence / then Together / Warm Forever / I’m wearing your Skin

Errr...

(Says Clare of her masterpiece: I know it was supposed to be a love poem, but it went kind of Silence of the Lambs on me. Must be the directions’ fault!)

So what do you think? Anyone else out there want to give it a whirl? We promise not to laugh. Much.

Magnetic fridge poetry image courtesy of Minimalist Photography via Flickr