Dr. Wright's Breedfreak is a short book by a vet about the characteristics of various dog breeds. To say Dr. Wright has some strong opinions is like saying the ocean has some water.

Maybe that’s why I had brief dream about writing a HEE-larious article comparing my book characters to various dog breeds. Today I’m thinking, hey, it might not be as funny as the dream, but why not portray a few romantic heroes and heroines as dogs? It’s what Disney would do.

Heathcliff is obviously a pit-bull/Rottweiler mix, strong, loyal, and potentially dangerous and uninterested in socializing with strangers.  And, as JoAnn Ross pointed out on Twitter, definitely a stray.  My guess is he’d have some sort of terrier in his mix. So would Cathy. I have to say, I can’t think of what she’d be. Something neurotic and skittish but that barks bravely.

Scarlett O’Hara is a Yorkshire terrier, pampered, opinionated but at heart a working dog (they were ratters in the mills of Yorkshire). She’s someone who can make it through tough times.

[Who's next, who's next?!...]

WikiHow is great for things like How to Tile a Bathroom Floor or even How to Choose a Good Office Plant. But How to Write a Love Poem? Really? And...does it work?!

Obviously, we had to find out. And by “we,” I really mean, “my coworker Clare.” Here's what she took away from the article, step by step:

Step 1: FIRST SIGHT, LOVE FEELINGS, TOGETHERNESS

When I first saw you , I really liked your pants.  My stomach feels weird when I’m near you.  Being together, I know it’s forever.

Step 2: ADD STRONG VERBS, PRONOUNS, AND SENSORY DETAIL 

When I first spied you, Gerome, I coveted your sparkly jeans.  My stomach heaves like crazy when I smell you.  Being together and warm, I know it’s forever.

Steps 3-4: ADD A METAPHOR

When I first spied you, Gerome, your sparkly jeans fit you like sequined banana peels.  My stomach heaves like nausea at the violence of your scent, because ripe fruit does that to me.  Together and warm now, forever,  it’s like we’re wearing the same skin.

Steps 5-9: REFINE, LINE BREAKS, FROM THE HEART 

Spied on you / Gerome Sparkly Jeans / with your Sequined Banana / Heaves, Nausea, Violence / then Together / Warm Forever / I’m wearing your Skin

Errr...

(Says Clare of her masterpiece: I know it was supposed to be a love poem, but it went kind of Silence of the Lambs on me. Must be the directions’ fault!)

So what do you think? Anyone else out there want to give it a whirl? We promise not to laugh. Much.

Magnetic fridge poetry image courtesy of Minimalist Photography via Flickr